I've been holding up for too long!

Really hold up for too long!

At first, I just speak in a low, slow, even calm tone. But later, my voice begins to speed up and my face becomes gloomy. Then the resentment in my heart, the helplessness, the struggle, all these emotions are pouring out.

My emotions are also infected by my own tellings. I get excited, angry and sad. When I talk about my killing, my tone becomes obviously cold. I take out my cigarette subconsciously, but thinking that it's not allowed to smoke on the streets of Vancouver, I put it back again. Instinctively, I feel a little uncomfortable!

"Jojo, I don't think I'm myself anymore." I smile gently, and the smile on my face is sad, but in fact I'm struggling in my heart: "Now for myself, I can kill two people who are totally unrelated to me by knife! This is murder! Do you understand? I really did it! And my heart was calm at that time! When the man struggled under my knife and lay down with twisted convulsions, I didn't even have any psychological fluctuations in my heart... But when I got back, I vomited for a long time."

Facing Jojo, facing this one of my best friends, I speak my mind.

"Jojo, I don't think I'm myself anymore."

Jojo doesn't speak. She just looks at me quietly. There's no expression on her face. When I finish, she is silent for a moment. Suddenly she says to me, "Take off your clothes."

"What?"

"Take off your clothes and let me check your scars."

I look at Jojo and I see no doubt in her eyes. I hesitate for a moment and begin to untie my s.h.i.+rt b.u.t.tons.

My chest, my shoulders and on the arms, those scars have healed for a long time, one by one, seems a little shocking! Jojo squints and stares at me for a minute. She seems to be a little distracted for a while, then she's slowly stretching out her hand, gently touching a scar on my shoulder...

The doctor said that if the knife was cut a little deeper, a little farther to the left, my arm would be useless. From this point of view, my luck was really good.

Jojo's eyes seem to be beating, her fingers touching the scar on my shoulder all the way down, and then turning behind me.

There are bullet holes in my back. Those were all shot by the shotgun at GZ City. Fortunately, it was only a home-made gun. It shot out the iron sands. Otherwise, I would have died at that time.

Jojo has tears in her eyes. She turns her face and quietly wipes away the tears, gives me a quick laugh. She laughs calmly, and then asks me gently, "Little 5, I ask you a question."

"What?"

"Why didn't you contact us?"

I think about it and say with a bitter smile, "What's the use of contacting? Am I still me? I'm not the Chen Yang anymore. Not that little 5! I'm a jerk now, a real murderer!"

Pah!

No signs at all! A slap on my face without mercy! Jojo is raising her hand, looking at me fiercely and says, "I'm f.u.c.king slap you to death!"

I'm speechless and looking at her.

"If..." Jojo takes a deep breath: "If I, or Azle, or Wood. If one day, we also encounter such a desperate situation. When we kill or set fire and escape, will you continue to regard us as friends at that time?"

"I will! For sure!"

Jojo looks at me and says, "That's all right! So if you dare to repeat what you just said... I'll slap you again! Do you believe it?!"

I rub my cheek. Fortunately, her hands were merciful. It didn't really hit hard. I'm just feeling a bit hot on my cheek.

Both of us has stood for a long time, and I'm opening my clothes. The occasional pa.s.sers-by on both sides can not help but cast curious eyes. I just take Jojo into a side alley.

Then I find a fire escalator next to a three-storey building. The fire escalator goes straight to the top floor, but it is rusty, and the two floors of it are locked up. But it's nothing for a person like me. I climb up with ease and then pull Jojo to jump up.

The two of us arrive at the rooftop with ease. It's quiet and dark here. There's a lot of dust on the ground. I spread my suit on the ground and sit down side by side with Jojo.

As a coastal city, Vancouver has a beautiful night sky. Without the sun-shading dust in the big cities. The sky here is clear.

We sit back to back and look at the sky. We are silent for a long time. Jojo suddenly says, "But why didn't you connect with DIdi?"

I s.h.i.+ver a little.

DIdi, Didi!

This is almost the softest place in my heart.

"You know, when the news came back that you were dead, we were all very careful not to tell Didi. But this situation without news is even more torturing! The girl began to cry every day, and then she stopped crying, but she never laughed, never again."

"How.. How is she?"

I hear my voice trembling, and my heart is trembling too.

Instead of answering me directly, Jojo is sighing first. There seems to be a lot of meaning in her sigh.

"Not only Didi, but also your female boss. Nanny." Jojo says slowly, "Her background is not simple. Basically, she can get the information we get. She must have heard about your death, you know? I heard that she seemed to be crying and fainting, and then she had staied a whole day in the hospital. Then I took Didi back. Now she's with us. Didi lives in my house now. I don't want to describe her as she is now. But have you ever seen flowers wither? That's what she is now! If it's not still waiting for your news, I'm afraid she won't be able to make it anymore."

My heart is aching bitterly again.

"Why didn't you contact them? At least, you might make a call to tell them you are still alive!"

I'm silent.

This is the roof of the building. There is n.o.body around. I can finally take out my cigarette and light one with a slightly trembling hand. Just after taking a sip, Jojo takes it from my mouth and put it in her own mouth.

I smile bitterly and light another one for myself again.

My mouth is full of bitter taste. I know it's not because of tobacco.

Yeah, why didn't I call Didi, didn't contact Nanny? Why didn'I even send back a a message of I'm still alive?

Why?

Because.

I'm a jerk!

Yes, because I'm a jerk! A basted!

These days, all along, this problem is a taboo in my heart! I even force myself time and again not to think about it. Every time I thought about it, I felt myself is a real jerk!

I'm almost endlessly smoking a whole cigarette, the cigarette under my fierce smoke, bright as a firing star. Finally, the cigarette at the fingertips is burned to the end.

"What can I do?" I laugh bitterly and feel the muscles on my face stiff.

I turn my head and look into Jojo's eyes. "Jojo, I'm in a very special situation..."

Then I start my telling.

"I'm under too much pressure now. I can't go back. Once I go back, there are only two ways. First. I don't expose myself, but Juan will kill me. Secondly, I expose myself. Those people know I'm not dead, and they're going to kill me. I can't go back! At least not now!"

Yes! There's hate, malice and unwilling in my heart. I made up my mind to go back one day to take everything back with my own hands long ago!

But… How long time will it take?

I am now in Canada, no foundation, no background! I can only rely on my own life to rush, to fight! How many years do I have to wait before I can get ahead, to have a certain position, and return home with my head holding high?

Three years? Five? Eight? Or ten more?

n.o.body knows! Moreover, who can guarantee that I can live safely and successfully in such a day of licking blood on the edge of the knife?

Maybe one morning, I'll be shot in the street! I'm on a no-return road!

So what should I let Didi, and Nanny do then?

Can I say to them shamelessly: You wait for me! In ten years at most, I will come back if I'm still alive then, and I'll be get ahead!

Is that possible?

How long can a woman's youth and precious years last? How many years? And I don't know whether I'm still alive tomorrow!

Can I say that to two women who love me shamelessly? Can I make such a request?

Jojo is sighing. She looks at me, her eyes bright: "So... You are..."

"No!" I know what she wants to say, but I immediately deny it: "But I'm not so n.o.ble... In fact, I even feel sorry for my despicability and cowardice... I even despise myself!"

Yes, if I am a n.o.ble person, I am a selfless person. Then I should call them and tell them not to wait for me. They just find another good man to marry to. Don't waste youth on me. Just tell them to forget me!

But…

I can't!

I really can't!

I love Didi so much. And I also can't get rid of Nanny.

The more I fall into despair, the more I miss my family and them! Sometimes, that kind of strong, that kind of desire, even tormented me to death!

I am not a n.o.ble person.

If I were to be like the heroes in the movies, to let them forget me and find new happiness. In that case. I really can't say it! I can't bear it!

I can't face such a situation!

Let me personally push my favorite woman into someone else's arms? I can't do that!

I'm contradictory! On the one hand, I know that I am in such a state that the future is far away. It is unfair for them to wait for me so long and waste their youth for me.

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But on the other hand, I'm really selfis.h.!.+ I love my women so much that I really can't tell them to leave me. I can't say that! I am greedy for every minute from their love for me, give me warmth.

I… I'm really not a good man!

I'm already a man walking on the edge. Now, this love in my heart is almost only humanity and hope for life in my heart.

I am not a saint. I am just an ordinary person, I am not so n.o.ble, not so selfless. This is the contradiction that I have always buried in my heart.

I really can't force myself to make a decision now! In this case, I'm not don't want to contact them, but dare not!

I call them, and what should I say to them? How should I say?

Tell them. Let them wait for me? But can I make two women who love me sacrifice for me like this?

Tell them, let them give up me, don't wait for me. However, in that case, it is tantamount to letting me give up the last hope of life in my heart on my own initiative.

What shall I do? What can I do?

I look at Jojo with a bitter smile. I'm feeling that I can not hide the pain in my eyes.

"Tell me, what should I do? To the left? Or to the right? I don't know what to say, so... I've never been able to make this call."

Jojo takes a deep breath, stares at me for a moment, then slowly shakes her head and says, "I... I don't know what to do... It's difficult. It's really difficult."

Some people may say I'm selfish and mean.

But that's because they haven't met the things like this! Because they did not encounter despair!

In a real desperate situation, with no relatives and almost nothing at all, you can still tell your love not to wait for me and let me just die.

People in despair, even if they grasp a little hope, even if it is only a little hope, will instinctively hold on tightly! This is no longer a question of selfishness. It's human nature!

This question, it's difficult.

It's really difficult!