I make a sound!

It's mostly inside my closed mouth, but I can also hear and feel it in my nose-a low hum.

Concentrating, summoning every bit of effort, I do it again, and this time the sound is a little stronger, leaking out of my nostrils like cigarette smoke: Nnnnnnn Nnnnnnn- It makes me think of an old Alfred Hitchcock TV program I saw a long, long time ago, where Joseph Cotten was paralyzed in a car crash and was finally able to let them know he was still alive by crying a single tear.

And if nothing else, that minuscule mosquito-whine of a sound has proved to myself myself that I'm alive, that I'm not just a spirit lingering inside the clay effigy of my own dead body. that I'm alive, that I'm not just a spirit lingering inside the clay effigy of my own dead body.

Focusing all my concentration, I can feel breath slipping through my nose and down my throat, replacing the breath I have now expended, and then I send it out again, working harder than I ever worked summers for the Lane Construction Company when I was a teenager, working harder than I have ever worked in my life, life, because now I'm working because now I'm working for for my life and they must hear me, dear Jesus, they must. my life and they must hear me, dear Jesus, they must.

Nnnnnnnn-

"You want some music?" the woman doctor asks. "I've got Marty Stuart, Tony Bennett-"

He makes a despairing sound. I barely hear it, and take no immediate meaning from what she's saying . . . which is probably a mercy.

"All right," she says, laughing. "I've also got the Rolling Stones."

"You?"

"Me. I'm not quite as square as I look, Peter."

"I didn't mean . . ." He sounds flustered.

Listen to me! I scream inside my head as my frozen eyes stare up into the icy-white light. I scream inside my head as my frozen eyes stare up into the icy-white light. Stop chattering like magpies and listen to me! Stop chattering like magpies and listen to me!

I can feel more air trickling down my throat and the idea occurs that whatever has happened to me may be starting to wear off . . . but it's only a faint blip on the screen of my thoughts. Maybe it is is wearing off, but very soon now recovery will cease to be an option for me. All my energy is bent toward making them hear me, and this time they wearing off, but very soon now recovery will cease to be an option for me. All my energy is bent toward making them hear me, and this time they will will hear me, I know it. hear me, I know it.

"Stones, then," she says. "Unless you want me to run out and get a Michael Bolton CD in honor of your first pericardial."

"Please, no!" he cries, and they both laugh.

The sound starts to come out, and it is is louder this time. Not as loud as I'd hoped, but loud enough. Surely loud enough. They'll hear, they louder this time. Not as loud as I'd hoped, but loud enough. Surely loud enough. They'll hear, they must. must.

Then, just as I begin to force the sound out of my nose like some rapidly solidifying liquid, the room is filled with a blare of fuzztone guitar and Mick Jagger's voice bashing off the walls: "Awww, no, it's "Awww, no, it's only rock and roll, but I LIYYYYKE IT . . ." only rock and roll, but I LIYYYYKE IT . . ."

"Turn it down!" Dr. Cisco yells, comically overshouting, and amid these noises my own nasal sound, a desperate little humming through my nostrils, is no more audible than a whisper in a foundry. Dr. Cisco yells, comically overshouting, and amid these noises my own nasal sound, a desperate little humming through my nostrils, is no more audible than a whisper in a foundry.

Now her face bends over me again and I feel fresh horror as I see that she's wearing a Plexi eyeshield and a gauze mask over her mouth. She glances back over her shoulder.

"I'll strip him for you," she tells Pete, and bends toward me with a scalpel glittering in one gloved hand, bends toward me through the guitar-thunder of the Rolling Stones.

I hum desperately, but it's no good. I can't even hear myself.

The scalpel hovers, then cuts.

I shriek inside my own head, but there is no pain, only my polo shirt falling in two pieces at my sides. Sliding apart as my rib cage will after Pete unknowingly makes his first pericardial cut on a living patient.

I am lifted. My head lolls back and for a moment I see Pete upside down, donning his own Plexi eyeshield as he stands by a steel counter, inventorying a horrifying array of tools. Chief among them are the oversized scissors. I get just a glimpse of them, of blades glittering like merciless satin. Then I am laid flat again and my shirt is gone. I'm now naked to the waist. It's cold in the room.

Look at my chest! I scream at her. I scream at her. You must see it rise and fall, no matter how shallow my respiration is! You're a goddam expert, for Christ's sake! You must see it rise and fall, no matter how shallow my respiration is! You're a goddam expert, for Christ's sake!

Instead, she looks across the room, raising her voice to be heard above the music. (I like it, like it, yes I do, the Stones sing, and I think I will hear that nasal idiot chorus in the halls of hell through all eternity.) "What's your pick? Boxers or Jockeys?" the Stones sing, and I think I will hear that nasal idiot chorus in the halls of hell through all eternity.) "What's your pick? Boxers or Jockeys?"

With a mixture of horror and rage, I realize what they're talking about.

"Boxers!" he calls back. "Of course! Just take a look at the guy!"

Asshole! I want to scream. Y I want to scream. You probably think everyone everyone over forty over forty wears boxer shorts! You probably think when wears boxer shorts! You probably think when you you get to be forty, you'll- get to be forty, you'll-

She unsnaps my Bermudas and pulls down the zipper. Under other circumstances, having a woman as pretty as this (a little severe, yes, but still pretty) do that would make me extremely happy. Today, however-

"You lose, Petie-boy," she says. "Jockeys. Dollar in the kitty."

"On payday," he says, coming over. His face joins hers; they look down at me through their Plexi masks like a couple of space aliens looking down at an abductee. I try to make them see my eyes, to see me looking at them, looking at them, but these two fools are looking at my undershorts. but these two fools are looking at my undershorts.

"Ooooh, and red, red," Pete says. "A shavinguh!"

"I call them more of a wash pink," she replies. "Hold him up for me, Peter, he weighs a ton. No wonder he had a heart attack. Let this be a lesson to you."

I'm in shape! I yell at her. I yell at her. Probably in better shape than you, bitch! Probably in better shape than you, bitch!

My hips are suddenly jerked upward by strong hands. My back cracks; the sound makes my heart leap.

"Sorry, guy," Pete says, and suddenly I'm colder than ever as my shorts and red underpants are pulled down.

"Upsa-daisy once, once," she says, lifting one foot, "and upsa-daisy twice," twice," lifting the other foot, "off come the lifting the other foot, "off come the mocs, mocs, and off come the and off come the socks-" socks-"

She stops abruptly, and hope seizes me once more.

"Hey, Pete."

"Yeah?"

"Do guys ordinarily wear Bermuda shorts and moccasins to play golf in?"

Behind her (except that's only the source, actually it's all around us) the Rolling Stones have moved on to "Emotional Rescue." I will be your I will be your knight in shining ahh-mah, knight in shining ahh-mah, Mick Jagger sings, and I wonder how funky he'd dance with about three sticks of Hi-Core dynamite jammed up his skinny ass. Mick Jagger sings, and I wonder how funky he'd dance with about three sticks of Hi-Core dynamite jammed up his skinny ass.

"If you ask me, this guy was just asking asking for trouble," she goes on. "I thought they had these special shoes, very ugly, very golf-specific, with little knobs on the soles-" for trouble," she goes on. "I thought they had these special shoes, very ugly, very golf-specific, with little knobs on the soles-"

"Yeah, but wearing them's not the law," Pete says. He holds his gloved hands out over my upturned face, slides them together, and bends the fingers back. As the knuckles crack, talcum powder sprinkles down like fine snow. "At least not yet. Not like bowling shoes. They catch you bowling without a pair of bowling shoes, they can send you to state prison."

"Is that so?"

"Yes."

"Do you want to handle temp and gross examination?"

No! I shriek. I shriek. No, he's a kid, what are you DOING? No, he's a kid, what are you DOING?

He looks at her as if this same thought had crossed his own mind. "That's . . . um . . . not strictly legal, is it, Katie? I mean . . ."