There is little that is so utterly vexing as an interfering busybody. Such a one is always poking about, seemingly trying to learn about causes and effects, but generally just stirring up a great deal of trouble over nothing. These meddlesome trespa.s.sers bash and barge their way into the most intimate places, disregarding decorum and logic in their efforts to create an illusion of something shocking or remarkable. It matters not whether the affair they are about to divulge is real or factual; either way it must be exposed. And one of the most notorious of these offenders was Goldilocks.

Goldilocks was deeply interested in matters not relating to her, particularly those of a confidential nature. These she would turn into feature articles that she would then submit to her editor at the Woodland Enquirer Woodland Enquirer. She had exposed and humiliated countless inhabitants of the forest in just this way, and it was a dreadful thing, indeed, when one was unfortunate enough to have done something to capture her notice.

It was through this circ.u.mstance that Goldilocks came to be in a more remote part of the forest one morning, in search of three English barons who lived there. It was a curious and unusual thing to her that three men should decide to separate themselves from civilization and live alone together in the deepest part of the woods. Unconventional behavior, to her mind, was synonymous with wrongdoing, and since the men were wealthy and renowned, she felt it her responsibility to reveal their secrets to the world.

The barons, on the other hand, were completely unaware of the interest they had stirred with their actions. Although they were indeed isolated from the rest of society, living so far out in the country, the lifestyle nevertheless suited them, for they were pompous and intolerant by nature, and found the general community to be somewhat odious and tiresome. The common tastes of the majority were unbearably vulgar to them, and the general public's concerns seemed utterly absurd. In view of these opinions, it did not seem at all out of the ordinary to the barons that they should wish to separate themselves from what they considered to be the lower cla.s.ses. And, in truth, these supposed lower cla.s.ses were no doubt better off for not having shared a more intimate acquaintance with the snooty barons.

And so it was, with their usual self-absorption and total unawareness of any interests outside of their own, that the barons sat down to eat their morning meal. Their only immediate concern was the observation that their morning porridge was unusually hot. A discussion ensued to determine a solution to the matter.

"I say," remarked the first baron, raising his eyebrows and addressing his friends in an icy tone. "This porridge is exceedingly hot."

"Indeed," agreed the next. "It is offensive, to say the very least."

"Perhaps we should leave it where it lies in its incorrigible heat," added the third. "In time, I think, it will rehabilitate to something much more palatable."

So saying, the three set out for a morning walk in the woods, where they leisurely wandered about, amusing themselves with anecdotes about the wildlife that dwelled there. The animals scampered about happily, unsuspecting of any insult in the barons' mocking innuendos.

While the barons were thus discharged, Goldilocks discovered their secluded cottage. As she was not often of the mind to address her subjects directly, she approached the house cautiously. Very stealthily, so as not to be discovered, she advanced toward the back of the cottage and peered into a window. This glimpse did not provide the verification she sought, however, so she proceeded to another window, and then another, until she was finally satisfied that the house was, for the moment, abandoned.

Goldilocks crept up to the front entryway and put her ear against the door. There was not a sound to be heard within. Next she ventured a timid knock, to which there was no response. She tentatively turned the doork.n.o.b and, delighted to find the door unlocked, she opened it up and poked her head inside. After a moment, she stepped into the house and closed the door behind her.

Once inside the cottage, Goldilocks immediately noticed the porridge, dished out in bowls upon the table. As she was unmindful of the offense she committed by entering the barons' cottage uninvited, it should not shock the reader that Goldilocks would further impose by tasting their food, which was so carefully laid out that she imagined it must have been intended for a guest such as herself to eat. Indeed, it would have seemed downright rude not to have done so. Besides, one can learn quite a lot about persons by the food that they eat, she reasoned neatly. And so, without further thought or consideration over the matter, she seated herself before one of the bowls and lifted the spoon to her lips.

"Oh," she exclaimed, jerking back. "This is too hot!" She pulled out her notebook and jotted down a few words. Then she moved to the second bowl to taste of it. But she nearly choked on that one as well, remarking, "This is too cold." Again she scribbled in her notebook. But the third bowl was more to her liking, and she said, "This is just right!" She made another quick notation before finishing the contents of that bowl.

Having concluded her research in the kitchen, Goldilocks ventured into the living room. There she found three very different chairs. She sat on one of them and practically slid right off the seat. "My goodness, this is much too hard!" she exclaimed, making a few notes before she went on. She sat on another chair and nearly disappeared into the cushions. "This is too soft," she observed, recording her thoughts. But the third chair was very comfortable, and she said, "This is just right." But the chair was old and, with a low creaking noise it suddenly burst apart, tossing poor Goldilocks onto the hard wooden floor. Furiously she scribbled in her notebook.

Confident now that she had indeed stumbled upon a story of significance, Goldilocks continued her tour down a long hallway that led to a room with three beds in it. Without sparing a single thought for modesty, she plunked herself down on one of the beds.

"This is too hard," she complained, moving to the next bed after making a quick note. "This is too soft" was her opinion of the second bed, which she duly recorded. But once again, the third one was a charm and, as she lay in the bed writing down her observations, her eyelids drooped. In a matter of moments she had fallen asleep!

Now as Goldilocks was sleeping peacefully in the bed, the barons returned home from their walk. Their appet.i.tes were heightened by the exercise, and they hungrily approached their bowls of porridge. But in an instant they noticed that something was amiss.

"I say," announced the first baron, with his usual pretentious air. "It appears as if someone has been nipping at my porridge."

"How droll!" exclaimed the second. But then, noticing his own bowl of porridge, he gasped. "Oh, dear" was all he seemed able to manage.

"Someone has indeed been eating our porridge," reported the third. "For there is not a drop left in my bowl!"

Alarmed by this singular event, the barons immediately set out to see if anything else in their home had been molested. The minute they entered the living room they noticed their chairs in disarray.

"Someone has been sitting in my chair," claimed the first, though no visible mark had been left on the hard wooden chair.

"Ditto for mine," a.s.sented the second, who stared without comprehension at the imprints left by Goldilocks's b.u.t.tocks on the soft cushions.

"But what of my chair?" stormed the third. "It has been broken to bits!"

The three now advanced warily into the bedroom. The first baron gasped when he saw the crumpled blankets on his bed. "Someone has been sleeping in my bed!" he announced.

"Someone has been sleeping in my bed," echoed the second.

"Someone has been sleeping in my bed, and she's still there!" declared the third, utterly astounded by this turn of events.

The high-pitched tone of this last remark startled Goldilocks awake. You can imagine her shock to see the three barons towering over her! She immediately jumped up, with the intention of making her escape through an open window, but the baron whose bed she had been sleeping in held her fast.

"Who are you, and why are you sleeping in my bed?" he asked her in an imperious tone.

"I'm Goldilocks," she replied. But of course she had no explanation for being in the baron's bed.

"You've eaten my porridge, broken my chair and messed up the blankets on my bed," continued the baron, looking her up and down with an expression of utter disdain. He held her with two fingers, while the remaining three fingers stood up at an angle as if to avoid contamination. "Hold still while I contact the authorities!"

"Oh, no!" cried Goldilocks. "You cannot do that." She was still trying to work her way out of the last legal dispute that had developed over her disreputable journalistic ethics. Even her editor would not be able to help her out of this one!

The baron seemed genuinely perplexed by her outburst. "Cannot I?" he asked. "But why ever not?" He looked at his friends quizzically, but they only returned his puzzled stare, unable to provide a logical reason why he could not call the authorities.

"Because I have been expressly a.s.signed to come here!" lied Goldilocks hastily, struggling frantically to come up with a plausible excuse for her actions, preferably one that would keep her from being sued again.

"Expressly a.s.signed?" repeated the baron, more confused than ever. It never occurred to him that he was being bamboozled. "Under whose employ were you expressly a.s.signed to come here, and for what reason?"

"Well...um," Goldilocks tried to think of a quick answer.

"I bet it was Count Wallingford!" spoke up one of the other barons suddenly. "Don't you remember the hoax we played on him last winter?"

They all looked at Goldilocks in wonder. She smiled, attempting to look like she had been found out, grasping at the baron's suggestion without understanding his meaning.

"He did vow that he would return the favor," recalled the first.

"Oh, my, what a perfectly scandalous idea!" exclaimed the third baron. But he said this with such glee that one could not really believe he was terribly scandalized.

"Indeed," remarked the baron who had threatened to call the authorities only moments before. He now lightened his grip on Goldilocks and smiled broadly as he contemplated the situation. "But where on earth do you suppose he managed to find such a trollop?"

"We must ask him the next time we see him," said his friend with a chuckle, but their demeanor and att.i.tude were quickly changing, and they were at once more jovial and good-humored. They moved in closer to Goldilocks and, very leisurely, began unb.u.t.toning her dress. As they did so, they spoke to one another cheerfully, paying little attention to Goldilocks as they made blunt observations about her clothing.

"Upon my word," remarked the first, as he pulled the dress over her head and held it up to his friends. "Of what sort of material is this ungainly rag made?"

"I can't say that I have ever encountered anything like it before," replied the second, wrinkling his nose with a look of distaste. "It reminds one of the stuff used to hold potatoes!"

"Indeed," chuckled the third, taking perverse delight in its shabbiness. "I half expected to find some of that product upon your removing the thing."

"Oh, but you must see these!" screeched the first baron. He tugged at Goldilocks's undergarments, barely acknowledging her at all as he nearly ripped them off her body and held them up to his friends. "Why, they are absolutely revolting!"

His friends gasped in horror at the sight of the cotton pantaloons, so unlike the silken undergarments they were used to seeing in the stores where they shopped.

Goldilocks stared at them in astonishment. Before she had the presence of mind to comprehend their intentions she was standing naked before them, watching mutely as they nonchalantly discussed her clothing. Next, they began to undress themselves, doing so in a very casual and unhurried manner, carefully folding each article of clothing as they removed it and placing it neatly over a chair. At last the first baron laid himself across the bed that Goldilocks had been sleeping in only a few moments before. He raised his eyebrows and looked at her expectantly.

"Well?" he said, and when she only stared at him he tapped the bed, exclaiming, "Look alive, old girl!"

The other two, meanwhile, led her to where he lay. To her utter bewilderment, she could not bring herself to resist. It was most certainly her excessive curiosity that had brought her to this point, and now it once again pushed her onward to see the outcome of this unusual but exciting episode. To the barons, she was a total stranger who had been procured to entertain them. They would most likely never discover her real ident.i.ty, so she could walk away from the experience as if it had never happened, and yet with a new knowledge of herself and the world around her. She had never before been presented with such an opportunity, and likely would not again. Aside from all of this, she felt herself to be under some queer influence, so that she could not oppose the oddly authoritative will of the barons, or this most peculiar orgy.

The two barons guided Goldilocks so that she was positioned on top of the first baron just so, but she gasped suddenly, saying, "This is too hard!"

To this the baron replied, "That will be remedied in a short while."

Accepting this, Goldilocks allowed herself to be placed fully upon him, and immediately an intense pleasure shot through her as she was obliged, in this position, to take every bit of his hardness inside of her.

The second baron positioned himself directly in front of Goldilocks's face and summoned her to open her lips. "This is too soft," she could not help remarking just before he stuffed himself into her mouth.

"That, too, will be remedied without delay," replied he. And within seconds of having said so, Goldilocks realized that he had spoken the truth.

Goldilocks now glanced sideways at the third baron as he saturated himself with some kind of lubricant. "Oh," she thought, "that is just right." But she reconsidered this in the next instant, for he had positioned himself directly behind her- and it did not immediately feel "just right" where he was forcing himself into her from behind. She gasped.

Thus engaged, Goldilocks felt something like a b.u.t.terfly might, when the collector methodically spreads apart its wings and firmly fastens it to his exhibit. And while it is true that the barons had almost as little regard for Goldilocks as the collector has for his b.u.t.terfly, she had their concentrated attention for the moment at least, and the desire they felt for her was unmistakable. As for Goldilocks, her every sense was alive with feeling; yet, pinioned as she was, she was completely immobilized and absolutely vulnerable to their will.

The barons stroked and fondled every part of Goldilocks as they took her, meanwhile groaning under the strain to go slow; for they were determined to enjoy every aspect of this little windfall that had blown in their direction. With this in mind, they, in turns, went fast and slow, making full use of her eager body.

Meanwhile, Goldilocks could feel her own excitement pressing up within her. She had never felt so overwhelmed and, at the same time, so desperate for more. She gasped and whimpered when the barons became more demanding, relentlessly driving into her with a force that matched her own excitement. But ere long, they would once again slow the pace, forcing themselves to hold back in an effort to prolong the experience, and at these intervals they would devote themselves to touching her face, hair, b.r.e.a.s.t.s, and b.u.t.tocks. Often they would comment on her physical appearance, noting such things as the softness of her skin, or the roundness of her b.u.t.tocks, or the eagerness of her mouth. Hearing them, Goldilocks became overcome with desire, and suddenly wanted to be used by them- even more shamefully so.

She spread her legs wider and arched her back, pushing her hips upward and forcing herself to take the third baron completely in her backside. The discomfort this caused mingled with her pleasure and gave her the fuel she needed to reach her ultimate pleasure.

Alternately she pressed herself against the first baron, moving forward and backward on him so that he, too, received an equal turn of pleasure. Not wanting to neglect the second baron, she opened her mouth wider and tipped back her head, so that he could push himself farther into her throat, and with each thrust she felt an exquisite thrill to her very core.

All of these efforts she made were duly noted and remarked upon by the barons, and their comments added fuel to the fire that was burning hotter and deeper within her, threatening to consume her.

Goldilocks was responding to the barons in earnest now, caressing each one with that part of her body he possessed. She cared not how she appeared or how they would remember her later, for, to the extent that she pleased them, to that extent she felt her own pleasure. Her body gyrated wildly as she choked out sounds of pleasure. The barons watched her with admiration and delight, and marveled that she not only yielded to them, but also seemed to want them to use her more harshly.

Holding back their climax repeatedly, the three barons intended to employ Goldilocks's body for as long as she would allow it. The baron who had her mouth held her by her golden locks, pulling her hair this way and that, according to the position he desired her mouth to be in. The baron beneath her held her b.r.e.a.s.t.s in both hands, pinching the nipples fiercely while she shuddered and wriggled helplessly on top of his body. The third baron slapped her backside brutally, much like he would have done to his horse if it did not please him.

But finally the barons could delay their excitement no longer, and they each became more urgent, roughly thrusting themselves into her body. Their crude use of her sent Goldilocks over the edge, and she cried out screams of pleasure as her body finally reached a most glorious release. That was the breaking point for the barons, and they lost all control, loudly filling her body to overflowing.

A few moments later Goldilocks once again found herself back in the same woods where she had begun her day. She pondered distractedly over what had happened to her. If not for the telltale soreness throughout her body she would have fancied the whole thing was no more than a daydream. But she knew it was no daydream, and she wondered over what she had done and how it had all come about.

"Was it wrong of me to venture into the barons' cottage uninvited?" she questioned. "But no. If it were wrong, I surely would not have been so thoroughly rewarded!"

And so, poor Goldilocks learned nothing from her experience, and will no doubt continue to intrude and trespa.s.s into the private affairs of others. But as for you and me, we shall not be so reckless, and I daresay that we will be especially careful to avoid any strange, masculine cottages we happen to find isolated in the deepest part of the woods.

Or will we?

Mirror on the Wall

Once upon a time, in a kingdom known far and wide for its beautiful women, there lived a sorcerer who fell in love with one of the maidens who dwelt there. This maiden was untrue to the sorcerer, however, and shortly afterward, he died of a broken heart. With his last breath he cast a spell upon the entire kingdom and, for all I know, it remains there to this day.

Under the spell of the broken-hearted sorcerer, all the women of this kingdom suddenly appeared unfamiliar and disagreeable to their male counterparts and even to themselves. They immediately began a campaign to become the exact opposite of what nature intended them to be. First, they starved themselves almost to death, because this emaciated condition was thought to be more appealing than the normal womanly appearance that came from being healthy. Those who could not withstand this deprivation submitted to other humiliating methods of ridding themselves of the unwanted flesh. Next, their b.r.e.a.s.t.s had to be altered from their natural shape to a larger, stiffer prototype, which, though causing much pain and many health problems, had a more desirable effect for everyone. Aging was the most detestable of all the natural manifestations in women, and it was to be avoided at all costs. Women did everything in their power to prevent it, finally succ.u.mbing to dangerous medical procedures when all else failed.

Although such an existence may seem far-fetched and improbable to many a reader, I can a.s.sure you, it is quite true. One could not expound too earnestly on the lengths to which these poor creatures were willing to go in their efforts to be anything besides that which they were. Why, even the hair upon their heads and bodies was incomprehensible to them, so that they cut, curled, colored, plucked, waxed, shaved and electrocuted until every single strand was either altered or destroyed.

The few women who managed to fit into this uncomfortable mode of expectation were given the status of queen- for a short while- during which time they were expected to exploit themselves for the pleasure of men, and for the punishment of the women who were not complying as properly as it was believed they ought.

In short, an intense misery came over the female inhabitants of this accursed land.

Now it came to pa.s.s that a certain woman of beauty, even for those times, happened to be nearing her time to expire; that is to say, she was approaching the age when her value as a woman and queen, according to the standards under the spell, was nearing its end. The soon-to-be-former queen frantically searched the books and leaflets that were published to advise the women of her kingdom, but, finding no comfort or guidance that would suffice, she at last found herself standing before an immense mirror that hung ominously over her on a wall in her bedchamber. In a state of despair, she cried: "Mirror, mirror, on the wall; "Mirror, mirror, on the wall; How much longer 'til I fall. How much longer 'til I fall.Was my beauty all in vain?Or can you help to ease my pain?"

Now, the mirrors, along with the women's publications throughout this land were under the curse of the evil spell; they were, in fact, the very conduits through which the spell gained strength and power.

The mirror, therefore, had been patiently waiting for this opportunity, and now replied: "Your beauty, once beyond compare, "Your beauty, once beyond compare, Soon will be no longer there. Soon will be no longer there.You must find one like you once were,Take and eat the heart of her!"

The queen gasped in horror at the words the mirror spoke, which continued to echo faintly throughout her bedchamber. Take and eat the heart of her! Take and eat the heart of her! How ghastly (and most definitely fattening), she thought. She peered more closely into the gla.s.s. There she spied two tiny lines that had settled themselves comfortably below each of her gaping eyes. She flung herself from the mirror with a screech. How ghastly (and most definitely fattening), she thought. She peered more closely into the gla.s.s. There she spied two tiny lines that had settled themselves comfortably below each of her gaping eyes. She flung herself from the mirror with a screech.

Take and eat the heart of her!

Unable to endure the mirror a moment longer, the queen flew from her bedchamber. Suddenly she came face-to-face with her stepdaughter, who was called Snow White because her skin was as clear and pure as newly fallen snow. The queen had never been particularly fond of her stepdaughter- for in those times women were rarely fond of other females, even in the child form- but she had been tolerant of her up until now in memory of Snow White's father.

On this occasion, however, the queen could not help but notice the extraordinary beauty of Snow White, and it occurred to her that the tiresome child had grown up to be almost as beautiful as she herself had once been. Find one like you once were. Find one like you once were. The queen shuddered as she recalled the mirror's words, and she immediately sent Snow White away from her to labor in the kitchen. The queen shuddered as she recalled the mirror's words, and she immediately sent Snow White away from her to labor in the kitchen.

And so, for a time, life went on in this manner, with poor Snow White forced to act as a servant in her father's house, and her stepmother, the queen, in such a state of dejection that she could not look upon Snow White without feeling physical pain.

One morning, as the queen's expiration date was getting perilously near, the unfortunate woman once again found herself standing before the large mirror in her bedchamber. Soon she was uttering the same pitiful plea: "Mirror, mirror, on the wall. "Mirror, mirror, on the wall. How much longer 'til I fall? How much longer 'til I fall?Was my beauty all in vain?Advise me please, to end this pain!"

The mirror had been waiting patiently for her return, and this time it responded with an even more chilling direction: "Your beauty, once beyond compare, "Your beauty, once beyond compare, Soon will be no longer there. Soon will be no longer there.Snow White is one like you once were.Take and eat the heart of her!"

The queen whirled from the mirror in a rage and grabbed a nearby chair with the intention of hurling it at the offending mirror and shattering it once and for all. But she stopped short; partly because she believed the mirror offered her the only real hope, and partly because, in her undernourished state, she hadn't the strength to throw the chair. She sat down on the chair instead. She knew that she would indeed eat Snow White's heart if that was the only way to regain her beauty.

With this realization, the queen resolved to get it over quickly, and immediately sent for her most trusted servant to help her. This servant, however, was really a handsome prince disguising himself as the queen's servant in order to be closer to her, for he was secretly in love with her and waiting for the opportunity to win her heart.

The prince listened to the queen's request in shocked silence, staring at her with disbelief in his handsome blue eyes. Since true love was the only antidote to the sorcerer's evil spell, the prince had been completely unaware that the queen was nearing her expiration date. Indeed, in his eyes she was becoming more beautiful with each pa.s.sing day.

But the prince could not refuse the queen anything, his love for her was so great, and so he readily agreed to help her. Recognizing this as the opportunity he had been waiting for, he added the condition that the queen spend that very evening with him, away from the castle. Desperate to have Snow White's heart, the queen agreed to the arrangement.

The prince found Snow White working in the kitchen, but the kind and gentle man had no intention of harming her. Instead, he took her deep into the woods to hide in safety; and then, coming upon a small lamb, he slaughtered it and carefully wrapped its heart. Content that he had done the right thing, he returned to the queen and presented the counterfeit heart to her.

The queen wasted no time in cooking the heart in low-calorie, non-saturated, high-omega oil and then tentatively took a bite of it. She could detect nothing unpleasant in the taste, but it nevertheless took every bit of her willpower to swallow it. The cruel spell that held her forced her onward until every last drop was consumed.

Afterward, the queen was anxious to stand before her mirror and see the results, but the prince firmly reminded her of her promise to go away with him, insisting that they leave immediately in order to reach their destination before nightfall. The prince's resolve won out and the two finally set out together.

They traveled deep into the woods, farther and farther away from the curse of the queen's land and into enchanted forests, until at last they came upon a small stone cottage that was nearly hidden by innumerable climbing vines of magically scented rosebushes. The overflowing branches ascended the stones and continued their advance until they were nearly covering the roof. As the couple approached, they breathed in the sweet fragrance that was drifting outward, engulfing them in its heady aroma. Whether it was the enchantment of those flowery vines that besieged it or the fact that it belonged to the prince, I know not, but neither the cottage nor its contents were touched by the sorcerer's spell.

The moment the queen walked through the small doorway and into the cottage, she felt overwhelmingly beautiful and cherished. The very walls seemed to embrace her, and she was filled with happiness. She thought this must be the effect of getting her youth back by eating Snow White's heart, but actually she was feeling the way she would have felt every day of her life, if only she had not been under the power of the wicked spell.

The queen turned to him with a radiant smile. He gazed at her and thought he had never seen her look so lovely. He took her hand and led her up a narrow stairway into a cozy sitting room. In the middle of the room, there stood a large mirror.