"I wish I knew." I walked toward the door and lifted the curtain.

Ten.

PURPLE WISTERIA fell in cascades from the roof. Birds and crickets and other insects chirped in the bushes. The moment had come. Emperor Hsien Feng had summoned me.

To calm my excitement, I went to sit by the peony garden. The terraces were the most beautiful architectural ornament of my palace. The flowers of a deeper hue were planted near the sh.o.r.e of the pond. The blooms became lighter as the garden rose on the hillside, creating the illusion of a landscape fading away into the far distance. The view inspired me as an example of what one could achieve with what was offered in life.

At lunch I ordered my favorite food, Yang-chou noodles. An-te-hai and I celebrated my good luck. I wrote a poem ent.i.tled "Yang-chou Noodles."

One leaf lands in the wok, the other dances in the air Leaves grow out of the tip of the chef's knife One moment I see silver fish splash in white waves Another moment willow leaves riding the east wind.

My official preparations took several hours. Eunuchs were sent from the Emperor's palace to help. Together my eunuchs and ladies in waiting bathed and perfumed me. I was wrapped naked in a white silk cloth and carried by four eunuchs on a litter. I was on my way to His Majesty Emperor Hsien Feng's bedchamber in the Hall of Spiritual Nurturing, three palaces south of the Palace of Concentrated Beauty, where I lived.

We pa.s.sed the Palace of Grand Harmony and the Palace of Luminous Virtue and moved through the grand hallways of the Palace of Peace and Longevity. The temperature dropped as night fell, and I was cold under the thin cloth. An-te-hai had been thoughtful enough to bring an extra blanket, and he covered me with it.

The moment we arrived at His Majesty's inner chambers, An-te-hai was ordered to retreat. Chief Eunuch Shim received me and quietly guided the litter bearers in. After a few turns I entered a room brightened with large red candles and wall-to-wall yellow silk curtains. In the middle of the room was His Majesty's bed.

The eunuchs who had brought me departed and were replaced with a group of Hsien Feng's eunuchs, dressed in fine yellow silk robes. They quickly pulled out embroidered sheets, blankets and comforters. After the bed was prepared they gently lifted me to the edge of its huge surface and then left the room.

Another group of eunuchs entered. They each held heated copper pots in their hands. They warmed the sheets and comforters with the pots. Then they unwrapped me. Laying me on the side of the bed nearest the wall, they covered me with warm sheets. From beginning to end, their faces remained expressionless. When their hands touched my body, it made me feel like just another pillow. When all was set, they let down the bed curtain and retreated.

The room was deadly quiet. The smell of incense grew strong. Through the curtain I observed the room, which was filled with works of calligraphy and paintings. The largest painting was of a Buddha crossing a river. The Buddha was painted in pure gold. He was a giant with a huge belly and he rode on a thin lotus leaf. He showed no concern over the possibility of sinking, for his eyes were fully closed and his mouth revealed a faint smile. In his hands was the famous jar of wisdom. To the right of the painting was a blue bookshelf stacked with books. Two floor-length lanterns decorated with calligraphy hung from the ceiling. Everything was carved and coated with gold. Images of dragons and cranes were repeated throughout the room. Panels on both sides of one of the windows read: Luck year in, year out Luck year in, year out and and Peace with all matters. Peace with all matters. A A qin, qin, a seven-stringed instrument of polished wood, lay on a shelf behind the bed. a seven-stringed instrument of polished wood, lay on a shelf behind the bed.

I was thirsty and realized that I had barely eaten that day. Lately I had been having trouble eating and sleeping. All my energy had gone into imagining what it would be like to sleep with His Majesty. I wondered how he would begin with me, which part of my body he would explore first, and if everything about me would please him enough. I wondered if he would compare me with other women. What would happen if he found that I was not to his taste? Would he order me to leave? Would he leave me?

Chief Eunuch Shim made it clear that once I was found unsuitable, the abandonment would be entirely my own responsibility. Recently, His Majesty was said to be p.r.o.ne to mood swings. An-te-hai heard from another eunuch that one evening the Emperor had summoned six concubines, one after the other, and all were found wanting. He kicked them out and told Shim that he never wanted to see the women again. The word "never" from the Son of Heaven carried great weight-they were removed from their palaces and banished to the deep end of the Forbidden City, where they would grow and carve yoo-hoo-loos yoo-hoo-loos for the rest of their lives. for the rest of their lives.

Would the same happen to me tonight? What would or could I do if it did happen? I remembered Big Sister Fann telling me that His Majesty considered concubines to be dishes forced down his throat. The thought disturbed me so much that I failed to pray for Heaven's blessing. I lay in the bed with my face to the wall. I was cold from head to toe.

The red candles produced a sweet jasmine scent. Exhaustion hung upon me like a heavy lid. Why add additional weight to a burden that was already heavy? The youth in my spirit rose. It called me a "walking stick made of ice." I rebuked myself for creating my own frosty weather. Feel the sunlight! Feel the sunlight! my youthful wisdom cried. my youthful wisdom cried. Why betray your courage, Orchid? Since your father's death there hadn't been a path until you walked on the weeds! Why betray your courage, Orchid? Since your father's death there hadn't been a path until you walked on the weeds!

I heard a man's voice. It came from the right side of the connecting hall. It could be no one but His Majesty Emperor Hsien Feng.

My fear intensified. The voice sounded unpleasant, as if His Majesty was arguing with someone. The words were strained and the mood dark. There was a moment of silence, and then the voice cursed, "Imperial sewage grease!"

I heard approaching steps. I covered myself with blankets and pillows, trying to gather the courage to greet my husband for the first time. It had been weeks since I last saw him. Honestly, I couldn't recall his features. Chief Eunuch Shim had instructed me not to greet my husband. My nakedness only increased my nervousness. My nightgown lay on a stool next to the bed. Beside it was His Majesty's blue silk gown, which he would change into for the night.

"No! Who do they think I am? Go to h.e.l.l! I won't permit it!" The man I was now sure was Emperor Hsien Feng shouted from the other room. "... Well, if they hadn't come with troops. What have the British and the French done? They have forced me to pay eight hundred thousand taels more than I was already required to pay. Now they want me to open Tientsin. Tientsin is the gate of Peking, for heaven's sake! They are strangling me with a rope ... What do they mean by amending the treaty? It's a savage's excuse! I have already opened ports in Canton, Shanghai, Foochow and Taiwan. I don't have any more to open ..."

Gradually his voice grew weak. He broke down. He was crying. "I am so ashamed ... China's dignity has been sacrificed. I have no face to go to the altar anymore. Why can't you do something? Sleep has become impossible. I have been drinking, yes. How else am I to escape my nightmares! What do you mean, it was up to me?"

There was a pause, followed by the sound of porcelain crashing.

The north wind whistled outside the windows. After a long silence I heard Hsien Feng blow his nose. Then came the sound of shuffling feet. I saw the shadow of His Majesty approach the bed curtain and pulled the comforter over my head. He sat down on the edge of the bed and sighed deeply as he took off his robe.

"Tea, Your Majesty?" Chief Eunuch Shim's voice came from the hall-way.

"I'll drink my own p.i.s.s!" was His Majesty's reply.

"We wish Your Majesty an excellent night!"

The footsteps in the courtyard receded.

I was not sure whether Emperor Hsien Feng knew that I was in his bed. I certainly didn't want to surprise him. Should I make some noise to let him know that he was not alone?

His Majesty kicked off his boots and tossed aside his belt with its pendant beads and charms. He was in a white shirt. His black braid coiled around his neck like a snake. Without changing into his night-gown, he slid into bed and leaned against a pillow.

He turned his head and our eyes met.

There was not the slightest hint of surprise in him. Having a girl in his bed was like having an extra comforter. I saw no flicker of interest in his large slanted eyes. He was as handsome as I now began to remember him from our first encounter-a shaved chin, a straight Manchu nose and a boat-shaped mouth with firm lips. I had never seen a man with such perfect features and delicate skin.

We continued to stare at each other and I could feel my blood pumping in my veins.

"May His Majesty live for many many years and may your descen-dants be counted in the hundreds." I recited what I had been instructed to say.

"Another parrot!" He turned away and rubbed his face with both of his hands. "Parrots all trained by the same eunuch ... You all bore me to death."

"Your Majesty ..."

"Don't dare get near me!"

What should I do? My chance had been ruined before I could begin. My tears welled up. I was afraid to move.

The man lying next to me was absorbed by his own thoughts, and I could sense nothing but tremendous pain and anger in him.

I decided to quit thinking about attracting him. What could a single move of a chess piece do if the game had already been lost? For the past nine days I had stayed up every night practicing the fan dance. I had also taken lessons from An-te-hai on playing the qin qin. I had managed to learn enough to accompany myself in a few songs. My voice was not that of a nightingale, but it was naturally pleasant and sweet. I never lacked confidence in my voice. If my parents had allowed, I would have pursued a life in opera. When I was about ten, a singer who performed in my house told me that I had potential if I was willing to work hard.

What would I tell my father? How often had he said, "In order to get cubs, one must be daring and enter the tiger's cave"? I was inside the cave but there were no cubs. I was inside the cave but there were no cubs. I remembered another story he had told me. It was about a family of monkeys who tried to catch the moon's reflection in the water. The monkeys gathered in a large tree and turned themselves into a long chain reaching from the tree to the water. The lowest monkey tried to scoop up the moon with a basket. It was an ingenious plan, but Father's point was that certain things are simply impossible, and there is wisdom in accepting one's limitations. I remembered another story he had told me. It was about a family of monkeys who tried to catch the moon's reflection in the water. The monkeys gathered in a large tree and turned themselves into a long chain reaching from the tree to the water. The lowest monkey tried to scoop up the moon with a basket. It was an ingenious plan, but Father's point was that certain things are simply impossible, and there is wisdom in accepting one's limitations.

Was anything up to me at this moment? The silk pillow felt soft and cool against my cheek. I could no longer drag my thoughts along this path. I heard an aria inside my head: Like a river rock that rolls uphill, like a rooster that grows a set of teeth Like a river rock that rolls uphill, like a rooster that grows a set of teeth ... ...

A touch on my shoulder woke me.

"How dare you fall asleep while His Majesty is awake!"

I sat up. I couldn't quite tell where I was.

"Where have you been?" the man in front of me mocked. "Soochow or Hangchow?"

I was shocked. "Pardon me, Your Majesty, for I haven't been myself. I didn't mean to upset you. I was tired and I fell asleep carelessly."

"That doesn't make any sense!"

I pinched my thigh, trying to get my mind to work.

"How can you possibly be tired?" Emperor Hsien Feng sneered. "What have you been doing besides embroidery?"

I remained silent, but my mind's wheel rolled.

"Answer my question." His Majesty got up from the bed and began to pace with his shirt open in the front. "If you have been doing embroidery, tell me about it. I need distraction."

I sensed that His Majesty was uninterested in hearing me talk about embroidery or anything else. I would be looking for trouble no matter what I said. The man was a smoking hut. I wanted to tell him that I had expected our coupling, not conversation.

His Majesty looked at me.

Realizing that I was naked, I reached toward the stool to grab my gown.

He kicked the stool and my gown fell to the floor. "Wouldn't you like to be out of your costume for a while?"

I looked at him, amazed by his words. His voice reminded me of certain village boys I had known, boys in their late teens who still sounded like young roosters.

"I would." The Son of Heaven answered his own question. "I might even be happy for a moment."

I was overwhelmed by curiosity and decided to take a risk. "Your Majesty, may I have your permission to ask a question?"

"Yes, you may ask for anything except my seeds."

I understood what he meant and felt insulted. I lost interest in speaking further.

"Go ahead, slave, I have given you my permission."

My voice left me. Despair flooded my heart's bank. I thought about what I had done to gain this one chance. I could hear the clock ticking and Chief Shim's voice: "Your time is up, Lady Yehonala!"

I tried to convince myself to make peace with the loss, but my spirit wouldn't obey. Every nerve in my body rebelled against my will to perform what I was taught.

"I'll send for someone to replace you." His Majesty leaned over. He smelled of orange peel. "I am in the mood to be pleased." His breath touched my cheek and he seemed to enjoy the threat. "I want a parrot. Coo-coo! Coo-coo! Sing or sink. Coo-coo!"

Hopelessness came to wrap me and I still could find no words.

"Chief Eunuch Shim is waiting right behind the door," His Majesty continued. "I shall call him to take you away." He made a move toward the door.

I allowed my nature to take over. Despair had aroused my desire to fight, and suddenly my fear cleared. In my mind's eye I saw a suicide rope hanging down from the Imperial palace beam, dancing like the sleeves of the moon G.o.ddess. The joy of taking control was unexpected but real. I got off the bed and slipped into my gown. "Have an excellent night, Your Majesty," I said, and then I lunged toward the door.

I would have regretted it if I had been older or more experienced, but I was young and my blood was a hot spring. The situation had maddened me. Understanding that I would be beheaded for my behavior, I wanted to perform the final act my way.

"Halt!" Emperor Hsien Feng called from behind. "You have just offended the Son of Heaven."

I turned around and saw a grin on his face.

"If you are to order my punishment," I said, standing straight and tall, "my only wish is that you have the mercy to make it quick."

As I spoke, I tightened the laces on my gown. What more could I achieve? Since moving to the Forbidden City I had ceased being an ordinary person. What would Big Sister Fann's reaction be when she learned that I had addressed the Son of Heaven as one equal spirit to another? I smiled just thinking about Big Sister Fann's face. She would spread the story of the "legendary Orchid" until her lips grew blisters.

Almost with elation I told His Majesty that I was ready for the eunuchs to remove me.

Hsien Feng made no move. He seemed surprised at the situation. But what he felt no longer mattered to me. All my waiting for tomorrow's luck was over. My soul was set free.

"You interest me," the Emperor said, and a smile traveled across the sealed lips.

This seemed to be the Imperial style of torture.

"Tell me that you feel remorse for what you have done." He walked up to me until his face was inches away. There was a gentleness in his gaze. "It is too late even if there is regret. Begging is of no use. I am in no mood to grant mercy. Not one ounce. I have no more mercy to give."

For that reason alone I pity you. I shot my words at him with my eyes. I was glad that I was not in his position. He could order my death, but he couldn't order himself one. What kind of power was his, then? He was his own captive. I shot my words at him with my eyes. I was glad that I was not in his position. He could order my death, but he couldn't order himself one. What kind of power was his, then? He was his own captive.

His Majesty insisted on learning my thoughts. After a moment's hesitation I decided to reveal them. I told him I pitied him although he appeared to be powerful. I told him it was not impressive that he picked not an equal but me, a defenseless slave, to punish. I told him I wouldn't resent him for punishing me, because I could see he had to find someone on whom to take out his frustration, and there was nothing easier than beheading a concubine.

As I spoke, I expected him to become enraged. I expected him to call the eunuchs to drag me out and the guards to poke me with their swords. But His Majesty did just the opposite. Instead of bursting with rage, he became calm. He seemed to be truly affected by my words. His expression became the work of a poorly skilled clay sculptor who intended to make a cheerful face but instead made a bitter one.

His Majesty slowly sat himself down on the edge of the bed and waved for me to sit by him. I obeyed. The sound of the yoo-hoo-loo yoo-hoo-loo outside the window was loud but not unpleasant. The moonlight threw shadows of a magnolia on the floor. I felt strangely peaceful. outside the window was loud but not unpleasant. The moonlight threw shadows of a magnolia on the floor. I felt strangely peaceful.

"How about a simple conversation?" he asked.

I didn't feel like responding, so I remained silent.

"You don't have anything more to say?"

"I have said it all, Your Majesty."

"You ... are smiling!"

"Are you offended?"

"No. I like it. Keep smiling ... Did you hear what I said?"

I felt my facial expression freeze at his order.

"What's wrong? Your smile has disappeared. Get it back! I want to see that smile back on your face. Put it back. Now!"

"I am trying, Your Majesty."

"It is not there! You have taken my smile away! How dare ..."

"How about this, Your Majesty?"

"No, that is not a smile. That is a grin. An ugly one. Do you need help?"