Debtors' Planet.

by W. R. Thompson.

Chapter One.

THE PROBE WENT sublight and scanned the s.p.a.ce around it. The first readings matched the data in its memory banks: one yellow dwarf star, attended by a family of planets; nearest celestial landmark: Weber 512. The first planet was cla.s.s J, dead and airless, unchanged since the last probe's visit. The second planet was cla.s.s M, Earthlike, inhabited by primitives- Data mismatch. High-intensity energy readings teased the drone's sensor array. Drawn by a curiosity as intense as that of its makers, the probe moved into the system. The mystery deepened as the distance lessened. The robot noted intense electromagnetic radiations, modulated into signals; neutrino sources pinpointed fission reactors; low-frequency radiations resolved into an electric power grid. Objects in low planetary orbits radiated more signals. The probe initiated a subs.p.a.ce transmission to its makers.

A s.p.a.cewarp suddenly twisted in high orbit around the second planet. The drone located the starship and identified it as a Ferengi vessel. Logic dictated contact; the probe signaled the ship. Greetings from the Vulcan Academy of Science. This craft is a robot probe on a routine survey. To access a full data readout, respond on subs.p.a.ce frequency J. A mutual exchange of data will prove beneficial. Secrecy was illogical; cooperation was reasonable.

Ferengi are not Vulcans. The probe was about to repeat its greeting when the Ferengi ship fired its phasers and blasted the probe into atoms.

A container of live gagh in one hand, a bottle of prune juice in the other, Worf was on his way to Will Riker's quarters when Data stopped him in the corridor. "Lieutenant," the gold-skinned android said, "I understand that Commander Riker has invited you to observe a humorous cinema recording with him."

"That is correct," Worf said.

"Might I join you?" Data asked. "I would appreciate the opportunity to observe Commander Riker's reactions to comedy."

The Klingon security officer grimaced despite himself, a gesture that further wrinkled the ridges on his bare scalp. While he respected Data, the android's desire to become human annoyed him. It seemed to slight all the other races in the galaxy, including his own. "Commander Riker claims that the recording would appeal to the Klingonese sense of humor," he said, in what he hoped was a discouraging tone.

Discouragement was a mystery to Data. "I would still find his reactions informative."

Worf fought back a sigh. "You would have to ask Commander Riker."

"Certainly." The android followed Worf as he resumed walking down the corridor. "May I ask why you are bringing food to Commander Riker's quarters?"

"The commander suggested it," Worf said. "It involves an ancient Earth tradition."

Worf came to Riker's door and signaled. "Come," Riker's voice said, and the door slid away. Worf and Data entered the cabin, where the Enterprise's executive officer sprawled on a low, padded chair. A bowl of popcorn sat on the floor in easy reach. "Have a seat, Worf," he said.

"Thank you." Worf placed the gagh and juice on the floor next to an empty chair. "Commander Data has a request."

Data nodded as Riker looked up at him. "If you find it convenient, I would like to view this comedy."

"Well ..." Riker fingered his neatly trimmed beard. "You might find the humor a bit-esoteric."

"Lieutenant Worf has cautioned me that the humor is directed at a Klingonese audience," Data said. "However, am I correct in a.s.suming that you also find it humorous?"

"That's right," Riker said. His beard couldn't hide his smile. "But I'm looking at it from the Klingon viewpoint, too."

Data nodded. "Nevertheless, I believe I have enough understanding of humor to predict when and why you will laugh. I would like to test my understanding."

Riker shrugged. "Pull up a chair."

Worf had already taken his seat. Unlike Riker, he sat with an erect posture, which maintained his innate dignity; the chair seemed inadequate to support his muscular frame. "Sir," he said to Riker, "might I ask where you found a Klingonese comedy?" He knew of no such recordings. As did most Klingons, Worf considered humor an annoying alien custom.

"It's not Klingonese," Riker told him. "It's an action-adventure movie from Earth's late twentieth century. I'd thought it might supply some raw material for a holodeck adventure, but after I watched it-never mind. Computer, start projection."

The cabin lights dimmed. The chairs faced a blank wall, and an image appeared on it. A man in a blue uniform walked down the center of a dark, rain-slick urban street. As words appeared on the screen-Missing Link 3: Vacation in Armageddon-a second uniformed man joined him. They had just greeted one another when gunfire erupted from one of the buildings. The two men jumped behind a wheeled vehicle and shouted at one another. "They're trying to kill us, Link!"-"Yeah? They gotta try harder!" Their archaic accents made their words hard to understand.

Metal slugs pierced the vehicle, and the two men dashed away from it as its hydrocarbon fuel detonated. They continued shouting at one another as they ran. "They're going to kill us!"-"So let's kill them first!"-"Dammit, Link, you act like you're rabid!"-"Rabid? I was born rabid!"

The two men ran into a building, where men with ma.s.sive rifles fired streams of bullets at them. The man called Link shot several of his enemies with his pistol. When he ran out of ammunition, he picked up a thick metal pipe. He waved it in front of himself, deflecting the bullets his last a.s.sailant fired at him. When that man used up his ammunition, Link struck him over the head with the pipe. Despite Link's ma.s.sive musculature, it took him several blows to incapacitate the man.

Riker laughed at the scene, then glanced at Worf. "Admit it, Worf," he said. "That almost made you laugh."

Worf gave a noncommittal grunt. Riker had taken up the challenge of making the Klingon laugh, although so far he had not succeeded. I wish him success, Worf thought. Humor is undignified, but understanding it might help me to deal with Alexander. His son was part human, and the boy's emotions and behavior often baffled his father. The sense of humor that Alexander had inherited from his half-human mother formed the greatest obstacle between father and son.

On the screen, the character Link put a bullet in his hand, pointed his fist at an enemy and squeezed until the bullet fired. Riker laughed, but Worf felt as mystified as Data.

"Offenhouse," Jean-Luc Picard mused. He leaned back in his ready-room chair and gazed at the message on the screen. The Enterprise was ordered to proceed to Starbase 144, where she would pick up Amba.s.sador Offenhouse. The amba.s.sador would supply further orders; the Enterprise would be at his disposal. By order of Admiral Singh, Starfleet Command, et cetera, et cetera.

"Offenhouse," Captain Picard repeated. Why did that name sound so familiar? "Computer, display the file on Amba.s.sador Offenhouse."

The brisk contralto voice barely hesitated. "No such file is available."

"How very odd," Picard said, as much to himself as to the machine. "Computer, has there ever been a human named 'Offenhouse' aboard the Enterprise?"

"Affirmative," the computer answered. "Ident.i.ty: Ralph Offenhouse, located stardate 41986.0 in cryonic suspension-"

"Enough." The memories came back now. The Enterprise had stumbled across a derelict Earth satellite that contained a number of humans in cryonic suspension. All of them had died in the late twentieth century, and they had been frozen in the hope that they could someday be revived and cured.

That day had come in the middle of the twentyfourth century. Due to equipment malfunctions aboard the antique s.p.a.cecraft, only three of the pa.s.sengers remained viable. They had been taken aboard the Enterprise, thawed out and restored to good health. Picard had not been present while this happened; he had been called away to an emergency conference at Starbase 718. Several starbases and outposts near the Romulan Neutral Zone had been destroyed, and suspicion had naturally fallen upon the Romulans. Picard had returned to his ship to investigate the situation ... and to meet Ralph Offenhouse.

All in all, I prefer the Romulans, the captain thought as he gazed idly at the ready-room ceiling. Offenhouse had been by turns obnoxious, aggressive and self-centered, and Picard could readily imagine somebody back in the twentieth century freezing the man merely to be rid of him. After close to four centuries in suspension, his only concern had been with his financial situation. He had made long and loud demands to be put in contact with his bankers and breakers-no, brokers, that was the correct archaism. Offenhouse had been a financier, and he was blithely unaware of the changes the past centuries had seen.

To be fair, the man had proven useful during the Enterprise's confrontation with a Romulan warbird. The Romulan commander, Tebok, had blamed the Federation for the destruction of Romulan bases on the other side of the Neutral Zone. Offenhouse had listened to Tebok's threats and bl.u.s.ter-and somehow deduced that the Romulans were also mystified by the destruction.

That simple observation had allowed Picard to defuse a potential Federation-Romulan war. It had become clear that both sides were the victims of a third party, one with weapons of almost incredible power. The Romulans had seen that as well, and for all their belligerence they had proved too canny to fight the Federation when faced with a sudden unknown. It had turned out that the Borg were responsible for the destruction... .

Picard shook himself out of his reverie. He left the ready room and stepped onto the bridge. The primary team was off-duty at this time of the ship's "day"; the conn was crewed by Cadet Wesley Crusher and Ensign Shrev. A technician in antigrav boots stood on the ceiling, working at an open panel.

At his station, Wesley-currently on home leave from Starfleet Academy, and quite dapper in his cadet uniform-did his best to look alert for the captain. Making amends, Picard thought. Wesley had been involved in an incident at the Academy, in which one cadet was killed in a flying accident. The accident had come about owing to a gross violation of safety regulations, and Wesley had become enmeshed in a cover-up. He had made a mistake and he had been punished for it, but it was obvious that Wesley had not come to terms with his error, which had included lying to Picard.

The young Zhuik appeared to be dozing; her head was bent over her console-no, she had a look of concentration on her pinched green face. The wiry antennae that curved from her forehead waved back and forth as though reaching for the weak electromagnetic fields to which they were sensitive. "Try it again," the technician called to her.

Shrev's slender antennae quivered as she touched her controls. "Everything is perfect now, thank you." Her voice was polite and quiet, almost a whisper. Although humanoid, the Zhuik had evolved from arthropods-a more diplomatic word than "insects," Picard thought-and much of their social behavior mimicked that of their hive-dwelling ancestors. Zhuik could be hot-tempered at times, but Picard had never heard of a rude Zhuik.

"Okay," the technician told Shrev. He closed the panel and walked across the ceiling toward the turbolift.

"Was there a problem, Ensign?" Picard asked.

"Only a minor power surge in the displays, sir," Shrev said. "Ensign Dayan has corrected it."

"Excellent," Picard said. "Cadet Crusher, how long will it take to reach Starbase 144 at warp six?"

Wesley keyed something into his panel. "Ten-point-four hours, sir."

Picard nodded. "Make it so." He turned toward the turbolift as Shrev laid in the new course.

Picard went to his quarters and lay down. He wondered if the amba.s.sador had something to do with the Carda.s.sian situation. The Federation had fought and won a limited war against the Carda.s.sian Empire a dozen years ago, but the humanoid Carda.s.sians had never fully accepted their defeat. They constantly maneuvered to gain a strategic advantage over the Federation, and several intelligence reports said that they were reinforcing their border with the Federation. The Carda.s.sian War had been vicious enough, Picard reflected. With their pride stung by defeat, a second Carda.s.sian war could be even more destructive.

You're tired, Jean-Luc, Picard told himself. Weariness always made him pessimistic. It was far more likely that the amba.s.sador was on a routine a.s.signment, something that could use the prestigious presence of Starfleet's flagship. A treaty negotiation, an inauguration, a new world entering the Federation- The captain turned the lights off. Offenhouse, he thought as he drifted toward sleep. The name had to be a coincidence.

"Okay, Link, whadda we do now?"

"You die!" Riker suggested. He hurled popcorn at the screen-a strange use for food, Data reflected, although Riker had described this behavior as a form of applause. Worf grunted in agreement as he ate more gagh. One of the wormlike gagh wriggled out of the jar and fell to the floor. Its eyespot sensed a light, and the creature squirmed toward it. Riker reached for it, but Worf caught it first and ate it.

"Sir-" Data reviewed the situation. The movie's central characters were in an awkward position. Trapped in a deep, narrow valley, they stood between a horde of drug-smuggling terrorists and a unit of killer cyborgs. Rabid vampire bats wheeled in the air above their heads. Giant rats-the product of a demented villain's genetic-engineering research-slithered out of meter-wide tunnels in the valley walls. A sign cautioned that the two humans stood in the center of a minefield. The foliage resembled poison ivy. It was about to rain. "Their optimum survival course is to destroy one of the rats, then-"

"No," Riker said. "You should never fight anything smarter than yourself." Data saw Worf smile at that, but he did not laugh.

"Hurry, Link!" the actor insisted. "We're in biiiig trouble!"

"What trouble?" Link roared. "Things have never been better!" He leveled his weapon-a ma.s.sive rotary cannon that fired one hundred explosive sh.e.l.ls per second-and blazed away at the stony ground. The sh.e.l.ls touched off the mines, which threw clouds of rubble and shrapnel into the air. The shrapnel obliterated the bats. The multiple blasts stunned the rats, and while they staggered about in a daze the two actors surged up the valley slope. Riker threw more popcorn at the screen.

"This is all impossible," Data said. "The explosions would incapacitate the humans as well as the animals. In addition, the cannon would exhaust its ammunition after three seconds of firing. Furthermore, the recoil from such a weapon would propel its user through the air with an average acceleration of-"

"Data, Data!" Riker chuckled. "That's what makes it so funny! It's absurd."

The android looked to the Klingon. "Do you agree with this a.s.sessment, Lieutenant?"

"It is absurd," Worf rumbled. He took a handful of gagh, ate it, then pa.s.sed the jar to Riker.

Data c.o.c.ked his head inquisitively. "Perhaps I would understand if you defined the nature of the absurdity."

Riker took a handful of gagh. "It's funny because we know what real combat is like," he said, and popped the gagh into his mouth. "And this isn't it," he mumbled.

"Ah," Data said. One thing became clear. "Then you are laughing at the movie, not with it?"

Riker nodded at the distinction. "This movie wasn't meant as comedy," he said. On the screen, a ma.s.sive explosion tore through the valley. The blast lifted Link and his sidekick into the air-to deposit them, unscratched, on the ground at the top of the valley. "But the people who created it knew nothing about war. Combat was never like this, even back in the twentieth century."

"But if it were," Worf said wistfully, "the twentieth century would have been a marvelous time."

Chapter Two.

OFF-DUTY, lounging in his cabin with a Dixon Hill mystery novel, Picard seemed a man at peace with the universe. The universe, however, was not at peace with him. The intercom beeped just as Dixon Hill was about to apprehend Jack La.r.s.en's killer. "Picard here."

"De Shay, sir, in transporter room three. The amba.s.sador is ready to come aboard."

Picard glanced at his book. Dixon Hill had waited almost four centuries to catch Lefty Lefkowitz; he could wait a while longer. "I'm on my way," Picard said, putting the book aside.

A minute later Picard was in the transporter room, where Chief De Shay made a final adjustment to his controls. "Energize," Picard said. The transporter came to life, and Picard squelched a groan. If the man who had just materialized on the pad was not Ralph Offenhouse, then he was his twin brother. And may a just and merciful G.o.d preserve the galaxy from two such men, Picard thought. "Mister ... Amba.s.sador?" Picard asked, unable to control his disbelief.

"Yeah, that's me." Offenhouse stepped off the pad and shook Picard's hand. He was of average height and weight, middle-aged and pink-skinned, possessed of thick dark hair, and neither handsome nor unattractive. "Good to see you again, Picard. How's business?"

"Quite well, thank you," Picard said, and sighed. What next? he wondered. Romulans? Carda.s.sians? Tribbles? "Admiral Singh informed me that you would deliver our orders. After you've settled in, I'll call a staff meeting."

"Good idea." A pair of suitcases materialized on a pad, and Offenhouse picked them up. "Are you going to let me have my old quarters?"

"If you like-"

"They'll do," Offenhouse said. "I'll see your staff in ten minutes." He left the transporter room.

Picard turned to the transporter chief. "Mr. De Shay," he asked, "did you have any difficulties when you beamed the amba.s.sador aboard? Any power surges, or interdimensional shifts, or other anomalies?"

"No, sir," De Shay said. He scanned his instrument panel. "Everything went perfectly." He gave a helpless shrug which said that he remembered Offenhouse's last visit to the Enterprise. "Sorry, sir."

"I suppose it can't be helped," Picard said. "Carry on."

Picard went to the nearest turbolift and returned to the bridge. He recalled studying an incident aboard an earlier Enterprise. A transporter malfunction had swept the captain-either Pike or Kirk, Picard thought without much certainty-and several other crew members into a parallel universe, one in which the Federation was an insanely violent empire. Perhaps a similar accident had connected this universe with one in which the Federation was violently insane.

It was an appealing theory. It might even have been true.

True or not, Offenhouse appeared on schedule in the conference room. As he took his seat, Picard noted the reactions of his bridge crew. Worf and Riker looked at the man with distaste, while Deanna Troi's wide, dark eyes showed a mixture of curiosity and sympathy. Data's gaze, as always, was unreadable.

Offenhouse opened the meeting. "The Enterprise has been a.s.signed to escort me to Megara, which is somewhere in the Perseus sector-what is it, uh, Info?"

"Data, sir," the android corrected. "Specifically, sir, Megara is the second planet of 329 Aurigae. It is a cla.s.s-M planet, rated one on the industrial scale, with a population of four hundred million humanoids. It has no interstellar relations and is fully covered by the Prime Directive."

Offenhouse smiled at the android. "C-minus, Digit."

"Data, sir. I do not understand this term-ceeminus?"

"It's your grade," Offenhouse explained. "Your data is out of date, Data, by a decade or so. Right now Megara rates nine on the industrial scale."

"That's impossible," Riker said crossly.

"Glad to have your word for it, sonny," Offenhouse said. "A Vulcan robot probe scanned Megara last month. It may have been pre-industrial ten years ago, but now it's at the same technological level as Earth was a century ago. The probe picked up signs of high-intensity power sources, high-rate data transmissions, even something that may have been a warp drive."

"And this growth disturbs you," Troi said.

Offenhouse shrugged. "Me? Naw. But the Federation Council is having a fit. Especially because the probe detected a Ferengi ship in the area-and the Ferengi shot the probe down. My orders are to find out what the little twerps are doing on Megara.'

"Why you?" Riker asked bluntly. "You're no diplomat."

Offenhouse nodded. "Who better to deal with the Ferengi?"