But s.e.xuality and having s.e.x were two different things. Loving someone and being in love were two different things. Need, compulsion, belonging, compatibility, comfort, l.u.s.t, all swirled within him, and he just couldn't get a handle on what exactly had happened to Holden Antaeus, the man. His dragon knew what he wanted and didn't really give a s.h.i.t about the questions plaguing his logical brain.

When they got back to the lodge, by some silent, tacit agreement, they each went to their rooms to shower. Garret's mind and thoughts were completely open to Holden. He knew his mate was happy about what had happened at the hot springs. Holden kept his most private thoughts about the day to himself. He didn't want Garret getting the wrong idea while he sorted out how he really felt, but worry nagged him and he had no perspective whatsoever on what had occurred.

Dressed in fresh jeans and t-shirt, he emerged from his bedroom to find Garret on the hotel phone. He wanted to rub up against his lover's back, pressing his hips into Garret's firm b.u.t.tocks, but he held off. Dressed in khaki shorts and a forest green polo shirt, the conservative green dragon was trying to soothe his boss, so Holden didn't think he'd appreciate being nuzzled and mussed up at the moment. Holden had already decided that Garret was a bit of a clothes wh.o.r.e, which was okay with him. Holden would love ripping at the man's clothes and ruffling Garret's composure as he ruined suits, silk ties, and expensive slacks in a s.e.xual frenzy.

"Emily, I'm telling you this is nothing to panic over. The market will level off." Garret's voice held a sharp note and Holden knew his mate was biting the inside of his cheek to control himself.

Frustration came off him in waves. "Just a minute." He covered the phone and whispered to Holden, "I'm probably going to her suite. She's in a snit over something Vahid said to her about an investment she made. Why does he have to pick on her so much?"

Holden shrugged. Vahid and Emily had always hated each other. Until recently, it had been a cold armed truce. Now, at the lodge, they were sniping at each other in a very uncontrolled way.

Holden didn't know what had happened to set them off and until it interfered with business, he wasn't about to get involved.

"I'm going to see Declan. I'll catch up with you later," he said.

Garret nodded and returned to his conversation with Emily. Holden slipped out the door but instead of heading to his brothers' suite, he went down to the lobby and out to the hotel grounds.

Pulling a cigar from his pocket, he lit it and began to prowl the wild beauty of the lodge gardens.

As he walked, anger rose within him as the questions he'd locked within himself sprang free.

First and foremost was the fact that he'd just given in to l.u.s.t. l.u.s.t driven by the need to mate.

That clawing need inside him seemed to drive everything he'd done and felt over the past couple of days. The sense of being out of control filled him with fury and he wasn't sure why. Aside from the l.u.s.t and being out of control, he didn't understand who he was anymore. His life had been so simple before. Now, the complications blurred his sense of self which frustrated him and fed right into the fury.

Holden stomped his way around the grounds of the lodge, puffing angrily on the cigar and wishing he had a flask of whiskey. What he needed was a stiff drink or five. h.e.l.l, he just needed to get totally s.h.i.tfaced to even deal with what had happened. He couldn't believe what he'd done.

What he'd done and liked.

Stopping beside a tree, he leaned against the trunk and took a long drag off the cigar. If he was honest with himself, he'd just flat out say that he'd loved sucking Garret's c.o.c.k. The taste and texture had been new and exciting to him. Learning to take Garret's length and girth in his mouth had been a real eye opener too. He'd never realized what a talent c.o.c.k sucking was. He didn't think he'd ever take a b.l.o.w. .j.o.b for granted again. His free hand came up to rub his jaw, where the after affects of what he'd done still lingered with a slight soreness in the joint.

The cigar had removed the taste of Garret's c.u.m from his mouth, but it hadn't removed his memory of it. Or of how it had felt when that thick shaft of flesh had trembled and jerked against his tongue, spewing the salty sweet essence of Garret into the depths of his mouth. It did nothing to remove his pleasure in Garret's o.r.g.a.s.m and how much satisfaction he'd gotten from it.

Holden closed his eyes for a moment. Dear G.o.ds. This was all so much harder than he'd thought it would be. He'd started to get in the groove, started to accept what had happened, and then the first time he reciprocated, internally he flipped out, wondering once more just who he really was. Although he'd remained outwardly calm, Garret had to know that Holden blocked some thoughts from him.

Further along the path, Holden found a trash can and put the cigar out against the metal side, making sure nothing was smoldering before he tossed the stump in. A few feet away a gardener whacked at the bushes and brush, clearing it away. Holden watched in silence until a voice behind him said, "It's fire season."

Turning, he found an older Asian man standing on the path wearing the gardener uniform of the Gargoyle Lodge. He frowned a little. "I beg your pardon?"

The man smiled serenely. "You were watching my worker clear away the brush. He is doing so because it is fire season. We do the best we can to protect ourselves from wildfires by creating a distance between the grounds of the lodge and the rest of the forest."

"I see," Holden said thoughtfully, his eyes shifting from the Asian man to the man clearing the brush. "I hadn't realized."

The Asian man smiled enigmatically. "I know you didn't. But it's okay. You do now so you'll better understand going forward."

Holden turned back to the man clearing the brush. Somehow, he didn't think the man was talking about the brush anymore. "Going forward..." He repeated the words thoughtfully, his brain making the leap from what the gardener had said to his situation with Garret. Despite trying to accept Garret and learning to have s.e.x with a man, he had been clearing away the brush in his mind to create some distance between himself and Garret. That distance would protect him from the emotional wildfire that threatened his peace of mind and sense of self.

Glancing over his shoulder at the Asian gardener, he realized the man had disappeared.

Heading back down the path to the main lodge building, Holden knew he needed to get his head straight. For the moment, that meant he needed a little s.p.a.ce, some time away from Garret. Taking the elevator, he went up to his brothers' suite. When he knocked on the door, Sean answered. Holden tensed.

"You and Declan need to get on those f.u.c.ktards in Australia," Sean growled in his typical CEO voice. "They are holding everything up and it's costing me money. Did you see the projections the whiz kid gave me? That stock of theirs is taking a nose dive!"

Holden stepped into the suite and looked his brother in the eyes. "Sean, we always knew their stock prices would go down as soon as word of our takeover got out," he soothed. "And his name is Garret. Not whiz kid."

"Yeah, what-the-f.u.c.k ever," Sean muttered. "I just need this deal closed."

Fire began to burn in Holden's gut. As Sean moved toward the door, Holden stepped in his path, his furious amber gaze meeting his brother's. "No, not what-the-f.u.c.k-ever," he gritted out icily. "His name is Garret. You will treat him with respect instead of the arrogance you usually dish out. He's not like anyone else you've ever hired so you better get that through your head now and treat him accordingly because if you don't, my fist and your nose have an appointment."

Sean's eyebrows shot up. "Is there something you want to tell me?" he asked harshly.

Holden nodded stiffly. "There is, but now is not the time."

Sean returned his nod. "Okay, then. When you're ready, I'll listen."

The door closed behind him and Holden drew a shaky breath. He walked over to the wet bar and poured himself a whiskey.

"What's wrong?"

The sound of his older brother's concerned voice brought an emotional lump to Holden's throat, just like when they'd been kids and he'd gotten hurt. Declan had always been the one to soothe him. If someone picked on him, Sean beat their a.s.ses and Declan took care of his tears, cuts, and bruises. Holden respected and loved Sean but the big brother he looked up to had always been Declan.

His older brother stood in the doorway to his bedroom, dressed in black sweats, bare- chested, with a towel slung around his neck. His black hair glistened with water and his clan mark swirled darkly over his shoulder and upper arm. Holden sighed and took his drink over to the sofa, plopping down wearily in the corner. Declan followed him, lowering his tall frame into the chair opposite Holden. He leaned forward, elbows on knees.

"Something's wrong. You might as well spit it out, Holden. I'm gonna get it out of you one way or the other," Declan said in a cool, logical voice. He gestured toward the gla.s.s of whiskey. "I can just keep plying you with those until you spill the beans."

"f.u.c.k." Holden ran a hand around the back of his neck. Beans. Bean counter. Everything led back to Garret these days. He didn't know what to do or think any more. "I need some perspective, Declan."

His brother nodded and sat back. "I'm here. Tell me what's wrong."

Their eyes met and Holden remembered all the times Declan had helped him make up his mind from the type of bicycle he'd wanted as a kid to whether or not to go to Harvard Law School. He opened his mouth and said, "I found my mate." Declan went very still. "Here? At the lodge? You met someone here?" He blinked, his dark brows slamming together. "But how? You've been spending all your time with the Won...der...boy..."

His voice trailed away as enlightenment dawned on his face. Holden nodded and the whole story poured forth, from the first moment he'd scented Garret to the moment he'd left him in the suite to go have a cigar. To give Declan his due, he didn't flinch or look surprised, although he had to be as shocked as Holden himself was.

When Holden's narrative ended and silence fell between them, Declan leaned forward again.

His eyes raked over Holden searchingly. Unflinching beneath the knowing stare of his brother, Holden returned his gaze, letting Declan see the turmoil within him. A long sigh escaped Declan.

"You know, I always thought I would be the only one of us tortured in the mating game," he muttered. "I never figured that someone as happy and balanced as you would have any problems."

Declan's words told Holden that his brother had been unnerved by his tale. He never brought up his deathless infatuation with Elysia Granville. For him to refer to it now meant that what had happened to Holden had profoundly affected his brother.

Holden swallowed hard, but the lump in his throat wouldn't dislodge. "I'm confused, Declan,"

he said hoa.r.s.ely. "I want him so much and being with him is so d.a.m.ned easy. He's like the best friend I never had."

His older brother nodded solemnly. "He fits you."

"G.o.ds help me, but he does," Holden groaned, closing his eyes and letting his head flop back against the couch. When he opened his eyes, he found his brother gazing at him thoughtfully.

"What?"

Declan smiled, the corner of his mouth lifting just a little. "Are you still attracted to women?"

Holden blinked in shock. He'd been so consumed with Garret that he hadn't even thought about that, but in actuality, it was at the root of his fears about his loss of self. Always before he'd known that he was attracted to women, that he was heteros.e.xual. Now, because of the whole mating thing, he didn't know what the f.u.c.k he was or who he was any longer. "I-I don't know."

One of Declan's brows shot up. "If I put on p.o.r.n, will you get aroused?" he asked curiously.

Glaring, Holden sat up on the couch. "No, because it's not exciting to watch p.o.r.n with my brother," he replied in an acid tone. "Besides, I don't even wanna know why you have p.o.r.n here."

Declan got up and went into his bedroom coming back with a DVD case. He tossed it at Holden who caught it automatically. "Take it back to your suite and play it. See if it winds you up." He shrugged. "You can a.s.suage your horniness however you like, but it's a reasonable test."

Holden stared at the DVD. h.o.r.n.y College Girls IV. Great. His brother was giving him p.o.r.n to determine if he was still interested in the opposite s.e.x. What kind of help was that? "How is looking at p.o.r.n going to help me? When you meet your mate your desire for anyone else wanes."

The smile on Declan's lips grew smirky. "Wanes being the operative word, Holden. You've only known about your mate a couple of days. You were prepared to f.u.c.k that gold digger this weekend before you met Garret. Wouldn't you like to know if you're still attracted to women?"

The confusion in Holden's brain grew worse with each of this brother's words. Garret had told him that mating had nothing to do with gender or s.e.xuality. If that held true, then just because his mate was male didn't mean he was now gay. He should still be heteros.e.xual, still find women attractive. The only man he should find attractive would be Garret. Although, he'd heard the debates on the "gay for you" issue, and while it might be applicable to humans, for dragons, mating bonds eliminated such debates.

"I don't understand all this stuff, Declan. It makes no sense to me," he muttered in a troubled voice. "Yeah, I'm beyond attracted to Garret. I feel the mating bonds pulling at me and I feel my emotions growing. My attachment to him is growing too. And the s.e.x..."

Holden broke off as he caught a glimpse of his brother's face. He looked away with a sigh, saying gruffly, "I'm sorry. I wasn't really gonna go all TMI on you. Look, I know I'm not attracted to men. When I walk through the lobby or the bar, it's the women who draw my eyes, when I can manage to look away from Garret. I don't need your p.o.r.n to tell me that."

Declan grinned. "Take it anyway. Maybe you'll find out some things about Garret by watching it with him." A thoughtful expression crossed his face and Holden wondered just what was going on inside his brother's head. "You know, it's pretty obvious that what you're feeling is specific to Garret. When I look at you, I don't see that you've changed at all. So your mate is a man? At least he's smart and talented and you get along with him. You have very compatible personalities.

You'll probably be deliriously happy once you get over all the bulls.h.i.t our society has fed you about s.e.xual mores."

"What the h.e.l.l, Declan? Why do you and Garret seem to think I've got my head up my a.s.s about gender and being with a man?" Holden burst out angrily. Just because he needed some time to get his head straight about what had happened didn't mean he was against gay people.

His brother must have somehow known exactly what he was thinking. However, Holden knew he shouldn't be surprised, since Declan had always been that way with him. "Holden, I don't think this is about being gay or straight. This is about your mate. Taking the mate that is meant for you isn't about s.e.xual roles or gender. It's about finding the one person on this planet who completes you in every way and makes you happier than anyone else ever could. It's not about s.e.x."

Declan leaned forward, his eyes glittering as they met Holden's. "It's not about s.e.x. It's about love, Holden," he said in a harsh whisper. "Do not f.u.c.king lose your chance here. You really don't want to be unhappy forever."

A strange, stark expression crossed Declan's face and Holden realized that his brother didn't expect to ever be happy. The face of his brother's torment calmed his fears. He would do whatever it took to make things work with Garret. He had to.

Rising to his feet, Holden held up the p.o.r.n. "Thanks for the foreplay," he joked quietly.

Declan stood up, a lopsided grin on his face. "You're welcome. Enjoy it."

They walked to the door and Holden looked up at his older brother, noting the pain etched in eyes. "Some day, you will feel what I'm feeling," he said solemnly.

Declan shook his head. "The odds aren't good. But I want to see you happy. You're my little brother. The one I've always been responsible for." A little sigh escaped him. "I love you, Holden.

Be happy."

Holden nodded, swallowing hard again as the lump in his throat returned. "I'm trying, Declan. I really am." His brother patted his arm and opened the door, his expression turning businesslike. "I've got a conference call with Australia in a half hour. If I run into issues, I'll call you. I know you want to spend time with Garret, but this deal is hanging by a thread," he warned. "Don't be surprised if we end up working all night. It's why I tried to take a nap this afternoon. I have a bad feeling about this..."

Actually, Holden did too. He'd felt it all along. "Okay. I'll be ready, if you need me."

"Meaning I won't catch you in the middle of s.e.x?" Declan said with a chuckle.

"No. Because if I'm in the middle of s.e.x, I'm not answering the door or the phone," Holden replied easily, raising his brows in an amused expression.

"Got it."

Making his way back to his suite, Holden realized that his brother didn't see him any differently because he was now having s.e.x with a man. That was a good thing and it gave him hope that he'd figure out his own confusion. He found the suite empty, a note from Garret tacked prominently to his bedroom door.

Gone to Emily's suite. Don't expect me back before dinner. Vahid really upset her.

There was no signature but obviously the note was from Garret. With a sigh, Holden went into his bedroom and shut the door. Maybe he needed a nap. Declan's warning about the Australia situation turning bad had him fretting a little about work and he hadn't had much sleep the night before. An hour's shut eye wouldn't hurt if tonight turned into a marathon of trying to save their takeover bid.

Stripping off his clothes, Holden turned on the TV for some background noise. His gaze fell on the DVD his brother had given him. On impulse, he popped it into the DVD player and stretched out on the sheets. For long moments he stared at the remote. Taking a deep breath, he turned on the p.o.r.n.

Hot young women filled the screen. Naked women. Women kissing and sucking each other's t.i.ts. Women giving b.l.o.w. .j.o.bs. Ten minutes into the movie, Holden felt his c.o.c.k stir. One woman, a redhead with a spill of russet curls, was sucking the c.o.c.k of a really hung man while another woman licked her p.u.s.s.y and squeezed her b.r.e.a.s.t.s. The scene totally turned Holden on. He could just imagine his c.o.c.k in her mouth instead of the p.o.r.n actor's. And her t.i.ts were just spectacular, full and round, the pale pink nipples taut and straining.

With a groan, Holden found himself reaching for his c.o.c.k. It was half hard and growing.

Inside, his dragon growled and he stopped, his fingers mere inches from his hard flesh. s.h.i.t. He snapped off the DVD. The question of whether he still found women attractive was answered. But now that Garret was his mate, did he also find men attractive? The nagging sense that he needed to find himself pushed him to find the pay-per-view channels. He searched all the selections until he found a gay p.o.r.n. Purchasing it, he waited impatiently for it to start.

Scenes of handsome hard bodied men came on the screen. Holden watched intently as they touched each other. A few minutes into the film, one muscle bound man began to suck the c.o.c.k of another muscular man. Then they shifted to a sixty-nine. Minutes after that, one man was lubing the a.s.s of the other. Holden stared at the screen as the men engaged in a.n.a.l s.e.x. With a sigh, he realized nothing had changed. He was still the Holden Antaeus he had always been. The men didn't arouse him at all.

He eyed the TV wondering if that was how he looked with Garret. As the p.o.r.n actors f.u.c.ked and sucked-two other men had entered the scene now-Holden thought about how he and Garret must look together. As he watched a b.l.o.w. .j.o.b, noting that the man's cheeks hollowed with every suck, he wondered if he had looked like that while sucking Garret's c.o.c.k. His groin filled with heat. The camera shifted to show the f.u.c.king couple and Holden's eyes were riveted by the shot of one man's c.o.c.k moving in and out of the generously lubed a.s.s of the other man. G.o.ds! He and Garret had looked like that!

Holden's c.o.c.k stirred as he imagined the f.u.c.king couple as himself and Garret. Now, his dragon howled with l.u.s.t, wanting Garret as much as Holden did. This time he gripped his c.o.c.k and thought about how he felt being with Garret. The men on the screen moaned and sucked and f.u.c.ked, but Holden's head was filled with visions of himself touching Garret, of Garret touching him, of how excited he'd been to suck Garret's c.o.c.k...

I need to shut you off. I can't work. All I want to do is race back to the suite and touch you.

Holden groaned out loud at Garret's thoughts suddenly entering his head. I'm totally jacking off to thoughts of us being together.

I know and it's driving me insane because I'm busy right now. But later, Holden, later I'll- Holden cut him off. Get back to work. Later, we'll probably have the Australian takeover to deal with. But after that, I've got something to show you.

If it's what's in your hand right now, I can hardly wait.

Holden shut down the communication between them, letting Garret get back to work. He turned off the TV and closed his eyes, his hand stroking his stiff erection, the erection he had gotten from thinking about Garret. It was clear to him now. He was still the same man he had always been. He was attracted to women...and to Garret. Other men held no interest for him and women didn't much interest him anymore either. He finally acknowledged what was growing in his heart. He'd fallen in love with Garret Renquist.

Chapter Nine.

Lips trailed down Holden's spine, caressing his clan mark. He stretched, his naked body arcing toward the lips that left a trail of fire along his skin. A pair of hard hands smoothed over his thighs and hips, squeezing his b.u.t.tocks briefly.

"One day, when you've fully accepted what this is between us, I'll f.u.c.k you. And then you'll know what it means to be my mate, Holden. To share everything with me."