F.--Speak to your guest of symptomatic diagnosis. If he is an angel, he will not resent it.

III.

SOLDIER (_reading from "Napier"_).--"Who would not rather be buried by an army upon the field of battle than by a s.e.xton in a church-yard!"

FOOL.--I give it up.

S.--I am not aware that any one has asked you for an opinion.

F.--I am not aware that I have given one: there is a happiness yet in store for you.

S.--I will revel in antic.i.p.ation.

F.--You must revel somehow; without revelry there would be no soldiering.

S.--Idiot.

F.--I beg your pardon: I had thought your profession had at least taught you to call people by their proper t.i.tles. In the service of mankind I hold the rank of Fool.

S.--What, ho! without there! Let the trumpets sound!

F.--I beg you will not.

S.--True; you beg: I will not.

F.--But why rob when stealing is more honourable?

S.--Consider the compet.i.tion.

FOOL.--Sir Cut-throat, how many orphans have you made to-day?

SOLDIER.--The devil an orphan! Have you a family?

F.--Put up your iron; I am the last of my race.

S.--How? No more fools?

F.--Not one, so help me! They have all gone to the wars.

S.--And why, pray, have _you_ not enlisted?

F.--I should be no fool if I knew.

FOOL.--You are somewhat indebted to me.

SOLDIER.--I do not acknowledge your claim. Let us submit the matter to arbitration.

F.--The only arbiter whose decision you respect is on your own side.

S.--You allude to my sword, the most impartial of weapons: it cuts both ways.

F.--And each way is peculiarly objectionable to your opponent.

S.--But for what am I indebted to you?

F.--For existence: the prevalence of me has made you possible.

S.--The benefit is not conspicuous; were it not for your quarrels, I should enjoy a quant.i.ty of elegant leisure.

F.--As a clodhopper.

S.--I should at least hop my clods in a humble and Christian spirit; and if some other fellow did did not so hop his--! I say no more.

F.--You have said enough; there would be war.

SOLDIER.--Why wear a cap and bells?

FOOL.--I hasten to crave pardon, and if spared will at once exchange them.

S.--For what?

F.--A helmet and feather.

S.--G "hang a calf-skin on those recreant limbs."

F.--'T is only wisdom should be bound in calf.

S.--Why?

F.--Because wisdom is the veal of which folly is the matured beef.

S.--Then folly should be garbed in cow-skin?

F.--Aye, that it might the more speedily appear for what it is--the naked truth.

S.--How should it?