Starting Over (2)

Senior had changed the way she addressed Oppa. It was a subtle shift since she just started calling him by his name, but it was quite noticeable coming from her, who usually used formal titles like Sir or Lady for everyone.

Originally, no one else addressed oppa by his first name, except perhaps his mother the Countess.

It also seemed that Seniors gaze towards Oppa had become warmer ever since they reached that level of familiarity.

Ah, shes always looked at him that way.

It was only then that I realized that she had always looked at him with warmth. I was just confused.

Fortunately, it seems Oppa has resolved his issues.

So it was Senior all along.

The one oppa pushed away and the one he wanted to confide in. It had to be her. No one else could have brought about such a change.

Yes, it made sense. Senior always showed special care and affection for Oppa; he must have felt the same about her.

It was only natural. Thats right.

Its obvious, isnt it?

Unlike me, who met Oppa at the Academy, Senior knew him long before that. She showed him kindness actively, unlike me who only depended on him.

And unlike me, a barons daughter, Senior was from a ducal family. So, Oppa would naturally find her more trustworthy.

It was clear that he would confide in her more than me. I wasnt naive enough to not understand that.

But why?

Why does it hurt?

It was a good thing, wasnt it? Oppa resolved his worries, and he grew closer to Senior. I also managed to repay a little of the debt I owed to Oppa.

I tried to ignore the ache. It was a happy occasion, after all. There was no reason for me to feel this way.

Oppa.

But when I bumped into him in the hallway, the ache only grew stronger.

Why is this happening? It shouldnt be like this.

Im glad things seem to be going well for you.

I managed a smile. I couldnt let my worries darken his bright expression.

Ah, yes.

I wondered if my smile looked forced, but that didnt seem to be the case since he nodded lightly. Im glad I didnt give him any new worries when hed just solved his problem.

Even on second glance, Oppas expression was brighter than usual. He typically had a somber look, but now he appeared peaceful.

The dark circles under his eyes remained, though. Sadly, it seemed like it came from overwork.

It was all thanks to you. I appreciate it.

As I looked at him, he spoke. My contribution, however small, had helped him.

His words brought a smile to my face. I was glad to have been of help to him.

However, the joy came with a twinge of regret. If I could be of help to him, then I wish he had confided in me, too.

I had shown my feelings only to Oppa, but I was the only one who did it.

I wasnt the only one for him, after all.

The pain intensified.

Youre the one who did everything, oppa. Youre amazing.

It was an ugly and embarrassing emotion. What I had confided in Oppa was just my one-sided whims. It was foolish of me to expect him to reciprocate those feelings.

So, I didnt voice my selfish thoughts. I simply congratulated him with a smile.

Im really grateful.

I nearly burst into tears when he patted my shoulder.

Its so weird. I keep getting these weird feelings about things that should be purely happy moments.

Mar would be grateful, too. I didnt explain why I rejected her proposal before, and its embarrassing that I only told her now.

I nodded at my brothers embarrassed admission.

I hadnt known about the proposal between him and Senior, but it wasnt surprising given her evident affection for him.

It was impressive that Senior continued to show him unchanged affection even after being rejected, and it was also regretful that Oppa had his reasons for rejecting her.

Oppa?

Hmm?

A sudden thought struck me. If Oppa had a reason for rejecting the marriage proposal and had confided that reason to Senior

And if Senior had undergone such a drastic change as to start calling Oppa by his name after hearing that reason

Um, sorry for the personal question, but about you and Senior

Ah.

It was too private a question. I knew I had no right to ask such a thing, but I couldnt help myself. It was like my instincts demanded an immediate answer.

My rational mind stopped me, so I couldnt finish the sentence. However, Oppa understood and stroked his chin thoughtfully.

I dont know when, but maybe there will be a new proposal.

I see.

I nodded hastily at his response.

Congratulations!

Isnt it too early for that?

Seeing Oppa chuckle, I couldnt help but laugh along. I had to laugh, or else a different expression might have appeared.

After a few more words, Oppa left while thanking me several times.

Proposal.

I gently touched my chest, which had been aching since earlier.

Oppa and Senior will be getting married.

The pain in my heart intensified.

Ah, so that was it. Thats why.

It wasnt just out of gratitude.

I realized it too late. It wasnt until I saw Oppa with someone else that I realized how I felt.

It wasnt just a desire to repay him. I wanted to be noticed by him and to receive his attention.

I liked him.

A hollow laugh escaped me. Why did I only realize this now?

Was I blinded by the past, or did I simply not listen to my own heart?

What did it matter? The result was the same either way.

Ive been such a fool.

I should have realized it when I talked about my past with Oppa. It wasnt just a whim.

I spoke because I trusted him and because I wanted him to see me and accept me.

My head may have denied it, but my heart knew all along. That was my last chance.

Im a fool and a coward.

I confided in Oppa because I saw him differently and because I hoped he would see me in the same way and share his past.

Yes, that must be it. Otherwise, why would I feel disappointed and regretful?

This was embarrassing. I unwittingly confessed my feelings without even realizing it and then felt sad about being rejected.

I deserve this.

But who could I blame? It was all my fault. I was the one who closed my eyes and ears to unpleasant things.

And I was the one who pushed people away because of my personal past. Erich, Ainter, Rutis, Lather, and Tannian I pushed them all away.

Having ignored the feelings of others, I deserved to have my own ignored, too. Yes, I deserved this.

If only I had realized it sooner.

If I was destined to realize it, it would have been better to do so earlier. Then at least I could have tried something before it was too late.

If it was impossible, then I wish I had never known. Then, I wouldnt have to feel this pain.

If only back then

When Oppa consulted me

I slapped my cheeks with my palms as I had a thought I shouldnt have.

Wake up, Louise. How much more cowardly can you be?

Senior was brave and persistent in her affection for Oppa, unlike me. I had no right to interfere.

Something trickled down my cheeks. Did I slap myself too hard? It hurt so much that Im crying.

Yes, it had to be the pain.

Walking aimlessly, I ended up somewhere I hadnt intended to go.

Although to be honest, did it even matter where I went? I feel like Id be sad even if I ended up in heaven.

Either way, I found myself near a familiar place. Of all the places to go to, the place where I came to was Irinas room.

Did I come seeking comfort? It was my own foolishness and cowardice that caused this. Did I also dare and want to be comforted?

I stared blankly at the door, then turned around. I should just go back to my room after a while

Oh, Louise?

I heard Irinas voice as the door opened.

Is today just not my day?

***

I saw Louise just as I stepped out for a walk in the garden. It was perfect timing; I didnt want to be alone.

But I quickly abandoned that thought. Louise looked so downcast that dragging her along was impossible.

In the end, I practically forced her into my room despite her protests.

Whats wrong?

Its nothing.

The urge to tell her to cut the nonsense rose to the tip of my tongue when I saw her forced smile.

There was no way nothing was wrong when she, who usually looked so cheerful, now looked so gloomy.

Although I tried to coax her into opening up, Louise remained silent. Why was she being so stubborn?

Now that Lady Marghetta seems happy, youve become strange instead.

I sighed in frustration. Since we returned from Count Tailglehens territory, the Dukes daughter had been brooding. But shed been noticeably happier recently, even calling Oppa by his first name.

Oppa seems happier too.

Yeah, probably. Something good must be happening.

I nodded at Louises lackluster response. It was obvious to any noble what was going on between Oppa and Lady Marghetta. If one couldnt see that, then how could they survive in high society?

It was all good, though. As expected, it seems Lady Marghetta will indeed become Oppas first wife.

Oppa wont have any restrictions then.

I muttered, relieved. If the first wife was Lady Marghetta, then he wouldnt have to worry about status when he took another wife. Even I, from a counts family, could

No, what am I saying? Oppa and I were just acquaintances. Were not at a level to discuss that kind of future.

Not yet, anyway.

No restrictions?

Embarrassed, I clammed up at Louises puzzled voice.

Its exactly as I said. If Oppa marries Lady Marghetta, then he wont have to worry.

But Louise still looked confused, as if she didnt understand.

Whats wrong? Why doesnt she get it?

Ah.

Louise was from a barons family. Then, it was understandable that she might not know how higher-ranking nobles often had multiple wives.

When taking additional wives, a man cant marry someone of higher status than his first wife.

Marrying someone of higher status than the first wife could make her a figurehead. That was why there was an unspoken rule to protect the first wifes authority. It didnt matter for the second or third wives as the rule was for the first wifes sake.

This held especially true since there was no eligible princess in the current Imperial family. If the first wife was a lady of a duchy, then every lady in the empire was a candidate.

So Oppa doesnt have to worry about huh, Louise?

Louises spirits seemed to have lifted a bit.

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