It Will End Even If Its Long (4)

I couldnt stop worrying. The worries that started that day have grown larger and have never left my mind.

What should I do?

I felt so lost. I had no idea that the choice I made a year ago would have such a critical impact.

Why was it so hard to get married right after becoming a civil servant? Cant civil servants marry freely? Why was the treatment of civil servants so harsh?

I should have looked into it more.

I sighed for what felt like the umpteenth time. It was a choice I made to stay close to Carl. But being close was just thatnothing more was possible. Then what was the point? I wouldnt have made that choice had I known.

But I couldnt just quit the student council now. Showing such irresponsibility and lack of principle would disappoint Mother.

Marrying immediately after becoming a civil servant was also not possible. Ignoring the rules and customs among civil servants might make me look like an arrogant daughter-in-law to Mother, a daughter-in-law who relied on the prestige of her ducal family.

What should I do?

No matter how much I thought, I couldnt find a way. On the bright side, I still had a year and a half until graduation. But honestly, its only a year and a half. Will I find a way to meet both Mothers expectations and be practical at the same time during that period?

It was heartbreaking. I felt like I would cry if I let my guard down even a little. Im so embarrassed by myself for proudly mistaking a fatal restraint for a treasure.

Could Carl have been quiet until now because I was in the student council? Did he stay put while thinking I had no intention of marrying after graduation?

Thinking this, I couldnt help but let out a bitter laugh. How strange must I have looked in Carls eyesa person with no interest in marrying.

Maybe its time to decide and act aggressively. Even if it disappoints Mother, I should deal with Carl first

Knock knock

Mar, are you there?

I was startled by Carls sudden voice. To be thinking of him and then for him to come our relationship must really be fate.

The problem was that I had pushed him away with my mistake. Why did I do that? I wish I could turn back time.

Yes, Sir Carl. Come in.

I tried to compose my voice, hiding my sadness. I couldnt send Carl away when he had come all this way.

Im sorry for coming so suddenly.

Fufu, its your mansion, Sir Carl. Why would you apologize?

Seeing him apologize as soon as he entered, a smile naturally formed on my face.

Still, seeing Carl made my heart feel a bit lighter. Yes, no matter how difficult the problem was, I had to overcome it. I must overcome these trials to be by Carls side.

Please sit comfortably. Mother isnt here, but shall we have a tea party with just the two of us?

I offered Carl a seat and moved towards the teapot on the other side of the room. It was always too much trouble to call a servant so I had it in my room, which was more convenient.

That Mar, I have something important to tell you.

But Carls voice made me turn towards him again. It was unusually somber and heavy.

He was still standing, his expression stiff and tense. It was an unfamiliar and unexpected sight.

It might be a long conversation.

Thats fine. I dont care how long it is, so take your time and tell me.

The atmosphere made me tense as well. What could he possibly want to say?

Still, I couldnt show Carl a tense face. I needed to respond calmly to help him feel at ease

I was the one who told Mother that civil servants cant marry right after becoming one. It was a lie.

What?

I did it to avoid an engagement with you. Im sorry.

?

For a moment, my mind went blank.

***

Its undeniable that I pushed Marghetta away with that strange lie. Thats why I wanted to start by apologizing.

S-sir Carl? Did I make a big mistake? Im sorry, Im really sorry. It wasnt intentional. If you tell me what I did wrong, I will definitely correct it.

Marghetta, who had been standing there dazedly, soon started to ramble and tremble. I felt uncomfortable after seeing that tears began to form in her eyes.

But I had to apologize for my mistake. I couldnt just let it go, considering the trouble Marghetta must have gone through with my talk about civil servants.

Mar, you did nothing wrong. You really are a wonderful person.

Even my words of comfort couldnt stop Marghettas trembling. It was understandable. Words from someone who pushed her away would seem just polite.

It was because I wasnt ready to marry anyone.

Ready?

Marghetta asked tentatively, and I nodded. I had said the same thing last year. I had rejected her then too, saying I wasnt ready to be with someone.

And now I was finally telling her why I hadnt been ready. Its remarkable, and I meant it in a bad way.

I was in love with someone else. We even promised to marry.

Marghettas eyes trembled with a different meaning at that. Was, promised. The implication was clear.

I wasnt strong enough, so she left for Enen.

It simply meant, not anymore.

Strangely, I felt nothing after I started speaking. I thought I would either feel relieved or regret while saying it, but I really felt nothing at all. It was as if I was saying something mundane like, Were having steak for tonights dinner.

That was why I could continue speaking without hesitation.

I really loved her. I thought I was going mad when she left. Despite the continuous misfortunes, I was there by her side, and I wish she had relied on me more and persevered.

But what could I do? She had lost most of her friends and the people who were as close as family to her. She had even suffered wounds that made it difficult to move over time.

If Hecate had a family to care for, she might have endured. However, that family was gone. Feeling empty, Hecate must have feared becoming a burden to me, fearing to be the one dragging me down.

I was fine with it. No matter what her condition was, I could have spent a lifetime happily with her but she left.

Over time, I realized something. Im not someone to be relied on, and even those I hold dear might leave someday.

Even Hecate left. It seemed as if the world conspired to take her away with every possible misfortune.

Could I be certain that what happened once wont happen again? Could I be sure that Marghetta wont face similar misfortunes?

Thats why I didnt have the courage to be with you, Mar. If you left me too, enduring it twice would drive me insane.

If it happened twice, there wouldnt be a third time. I would go and beat Enen up before that third time happens.

Then, I looked into Marghettas teary eyes. The tears had already rolled down her cheeks, but she didnt look away, staring into my eyes as if determined to listen to me till the end.

Perhaps the color green really does bring peace to the mind. Or was it just because I started opening up?

In truth, I havent forgotten her even after two years. Everything still remains vivid in my heart.

I decided to tell Marghetta everything, even admitting that the person who left me still lingered in my heart.

Im sorry. I should have said this last year, but Im only telling you now.

At that time, I thought that just getting through the moment of discussing marriage with Marghetta would suffice. I believed I wouldnt see her again after politely refusing, so I didnt explain in detail.

But that was an excuse. It might have been right then, but not anymore. From the moment I met Marghetta at the Academy, when she showed me undeserved kindness, or even when Mother showed interest in her. At least by then, I should have told her.

Im sorry, Mar.

My head bowed automatically. I spoke too late to someone who has looked at me for a year.

Even worse, my long explanation was just a detailed reason for not accepting Marghetta. Not a confession of acceptance, but rather, a detailed rejection. It was even more cruel, in a way.

Sir Carl, can you look at me?

At her words, I cautiously raised my head. Then, Marghettas hand reached towards my cheek.

Well, that was expected. I would rather have her be angry at me.

But contrary to my expectation, her hand gently rested on my cheek. It wasnt a loud slap, just a soft touch.

Ill let it slide because its been only a year. Thankfully, it didnt stretch to two years.

Her eyes were red, but she wore a gentle smile. I was lost for words at her reaction.

Thank you. For trusting me and telling me.

Mar.

I didnt expect to hear words of gratitude. I dont deserve such words.

Sir Carl, does anyone else know about this?

The Minister and the Invincible Duke know, but youre the first one Ive told personally.

So, you did trust me.

Marghetta didnt blame me for staying silent for a year. She was thankful that I finally spoke, even if it took a year.

How could she do that? I would have been angry if I were her and asked why it took so long.

In fact, it hurt every time Sir Carl put up a wall. I wondered why you were so resolute when I wasnt lacking.

Mar.

There was a reason, after all. A reason I can fully understand.

Understanding why someone pushed you away, especially when that person was the man you love. How miserable must Marghetta have felt while saying those words?

However, she continued with a bright smile.

Now Sir Carl will be honest with me, right?

I nodded unconsciously at Marghettas words. I had laid everything bare. There was nothing left to hide, and I shouldnt hide anything. I owed it to Marghetta to be completely transparent. It was only right for a human being to do so.

If Sir Carl honestly and fully faces me, then Im confident.

I couldnt understand what she meant by that, so I wasnt able to respond.

Someday, Im sure I will have a place in Sir Carls heart.

Mar?

Its probably impossible right now since you just started to open up to me. But thats okay.

Then, Marghetta hugged me. It was so sudden that I couldnt react, but it wasnt like I could push her away, either.

Marghetta was trembling slightly in my arms.

Ill wait until Sir Carl feels comfortable. Ill wait until then.

Ill wait until you call me Noona since the chances of me being called that would eventually be 100%, right?

I wrapped my arms around her back. It didnt feel like I deserved to, but I wanted to.

Mar, I have a request.

I buried my face in her shoulder.

If its okay, instead of Sir Carl

I couldnt bring myself to look at her.

Could you call me Carl?

But I didnt want to let go, either.

Of course, Carl.

Once more.

Yes, Carl.

I was being selfish. Too selfish.

If Carl wants me to, Ill call you that as much as you like.

Then, Ill have to try to not be ashamed of myself.

Marghettas shoulder, which was under my face, became slightly damp.

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