Something I Would Overcome Someday (3)

I quietly slipped out to the balcony, unnoticed by the others. For some reason, rainy summers always made me feel strangely unwell.

Actually, it wasnt really that strange, because I knew exactly why. I was still trapped in that day, the one from nine years ago that I couldnt seem to forget.

I looked up at the sky, which was filled with dark clouds. It was dark as ever, just like how I always felt when I saw it. It reminded me of unnies feelings toward me, and it always brought me down. It was dark that day too, and it rained heavily.

Im sorry, unnie.

It had been a long time since I surpassed the age unnie was. Ive even grown taller than her, who seemed so tall when I was younger. She stopped growing in the past, but Ive continued to grow. Im sorry, Im really sorry.

But it would never reach her no matter how much I apologize. They say the souls of good people stay as guardian spirits near their loved ones, but unnie hated me. She wont be by my side. Shes probably in heaven.

Still, I couldnt stop apologizing. Its my fault. Its because of me that shes gone now.

ise

I doubt Ill see her even after death, but still

Louise?

Just then, I felt a weight on my shoulder and heard oppas voice.

O-oppa?

The suddenness of it startled me. Only after turning around did I realize the potential awkwardness. I hoped I hadnt been crying. Were my eyes red?

It would be rude to appear gloomy to oppa, especially when Ive been invited into his family home and was supposed to be enjoying myself.

Fortunately, it didnt seem like I had cried, seeing as he didnt say anything in particular and just expressed his concern about me being out in the rain.

He noticed that I came out and followed to check on me. Oppa was truly kind.

I wish I were more like him.

If I were half, no, even a quarter as good as oppa, then maybe unnie wouldnt have left. Seeing the bond between oppa and Erich, I can be sure of it. Yes, that must be it.

Thinking about it made me steal a glance at him. Standing next to me, oppa looked at the garden silently.

Would it be okay?

Suddenly, I wondered if it would be okay to talk to oppa about my sister.

It was a spur-of-the-moment thought, but at the same time, it seemed like a good idea. It didnt feel right to tell the others.

I knew theyve been showing me kindness, but it would be selfish to unilaterally share my personal burdens with them. It might seem like I only reached out when I needed something from them.

But with oppa, who treated me like a sibling and was always considerate of me

Oppa and Erich seem close.

Of course, I was being childish for leaning on oppas kindness and being selfish. He might be taken aback when I suddenly bring up something so heavy.

But the words were already out. Ive held back until now, but I just couldnt do it today for some reason. Maybe its because of the weather that reminded me of that day, or maybe its because I feel like oppa, who was kind, would listen to my feelings.

So, I let it out. Everything Ive kept to myself, and the ones I couldnt even share with my parents, who felt the same sorrow.

Im such a fool.

And after I said it all, I came back to my senses. What a fool I am. Why did I say all of that? I must have bothered oppa, who was already busy enough as it was.

I added a belated apology, but I guess he must be disappointed already right?

O-oppa?

His hand suddenly landed on my head. It was so unexpected that I almost thought he was going to scold me, but he gently ruffled my hair instead.

You dont have to apologize for that.

I found myself looking straight into oppas eyes.

You didnt do anything wrong.

Really?

The words rose to my throat, but I couldnt bring myself to say them. Just accepting oppas words seemed too unfair to unnie.

If I accept that its not my fault, then its as if unnie died for no reason. I felt grateful for oppas words, but I couldnt just agree with them.

As I remained silent, oppa kept ruffling my hair without saying a word. Gradually, he applied more force, making not just my hair but my entire head shake.

Was he punishing me for saying something unnecessary? Im sorry, oppa. I feel dizzy. Or was it because I didnt respond? Either way, it was my fault.

Thank you for telling me.

But oppa wasnt trying to scold or punish me. It was just his way of showing intense affection.

Talking to someone about it can at least bring some comfort.

I couldnt bring myself to look up at him. Maybe thats how it seemed. Maybe it looked like I wanted comfort.

But I didnt. I just needed to get it off my chest. Ive never once thought I deserved comfort.

Still, a part of me felt tickled. Even though I considered myself a sinner undeserving of comfort, his words almost brought me to tears.

Of course, you didnt wish for it to happen.

Thats right. Who would wish for their only sisters death?

You didnt ignore it, either.

Yes, I didnt ignore it. After all, I was the reason why she left.

And you havent forgotten.

Of course I havent. How could I forget? Its something I could never forget even if I wanted to.

Despite feeling unworthy, I wanted to hear more of oppas comforting words. Just a little more, please. Any words would do, even if they werent sincere.

Thats why no one would say that its your fault.

Really? Were there really no people who would blame me?

My parents only blamed themselves. The servants who knew about it just pitied me and kept quiet. No one else knew because I never opened up.

Would the others not blame me if they knew? Would they say it wasnt my fault?

If its oppa whos saying it

Oppa had always been considerate towards me, and hed never lied before.

Yes. If thats what oppa says, then it must be true. It should be.

I guess I just wanted to believe that. I wanted to trust the words I wanted to hear from someone I trusted.

Its getting chilly. You should go in first.

Despite my one-sided whining, oppa kindly suggested that I go inside first even though he must be cold, too.

Before heading inside, I noticed that he was a bit wet from the rain. I should bring him something so he could dry himself off. He might catch a cold if he stays wet.

As I looked around, I locked eyes with Erich, who was a bit apart from the others.

Louise, were you outside?

Yes, I just needed some air.

But you shouldnt stay out long enough to get wet.

Erich rummaged through a nearby drawer and handed me a towel. He sure knew where everything was since he lived here.

Can I have another one?

Ah, is it not enough?

At that, I subtly glanced towards the balcony, and Erich followed my gaze. Then, he nodded and pulled out another towel.

Thats surprising. I thought he didnt like the rain.

That comment stopped me in my tracks as I was about to head back outside. Oppa didnt like the rain, either?

Why? What happened?

Ah.

Erich hesitated for a moment and let out a sigh before finally speaking. He said it wasnt a pleasant story and that he couldnt go into details.

A few years back, there was a big incident. Everyone was worried that hyung might not make it.

His additional comment that it had also been raining then made my mind go blank. Did I just whine about my trauma in front of someone with their own trauma? And to oppa, to whom I owed so much?

My hand, which was holding the towel, trembled. Was he comforting me while carrying his own wounds?

Dont tell anyone, okay?

Uh-huh

I could barely nod in response to Erichs repeated request. How could I tell anyone? Ive kept my own issues tightly hidden, so what right did I have to talk about oppas?

As I weakly headed back to the balcony, I saw oppas back. The back that had looked so strong and imposing before now seemed different.

This was it. The reason oppa had seemed off all this time. He had things hed been hiding, avoiding, and bearing all alone.

Of course, I didnt know the details, and I shouldnt. Until oppa chose to tell me himself, I must remain oblivious.

Oppa!

I shouldnt show any strange behavior. I shouldnt let him see worry or pity in my face. If the kid who just went in came back out looking grave, he would suspect something.

So, I would smile. I could definitely smile in front of oppa.

He was the one who comforted and embraced me first. He was the first person I opened up to.

Lets wait.

For the day when oppa would open up to me. For the day when I could comfort him.

Seeing oppa smile back at me, I made that promise to myself.

***

I was moved by Louises kindness, who came back out in the rain. Thinking about how this sweet child has been suffering so much until now brought tears to my eyes.

Please be happy.

If Louise overcomes her trauma, then I, too, could find the courage to move forward. I still feel that way. But apart from my own courage, I also wanted to see this bright, unscarred child smile happily.

Hang in there, Louise. If theres any conscience left in this world, you, as the protagonist, should be destined for a happy ending.

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