2. Chiefly, it is difficult to imagine how crash landing on a tropical island filled with polar bears and mystical smoke monsters would not prompt somebody to occasionally ask, "What the f.u.c.k is going on here?"

3. Although in this universe (a) they are called Drive Shaft, (b) Liam is the older brother, (c) the group's biggest song sounds more "Rock 'N' Roll Star" than "Wonderwall," and (d) Noel is named Charlie, plays ba.s.s, and is not cool.

4. Further proof of this can be seen during the second season of Lost, Lost, when the expanded cast added a "Great Crazy Woman" (Mich.e.l.le Rodriguez) and a "Great Nigerian Stoic" (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje). when the expanded cast added a "Great Crazy Woman" (Mich.e.l.le Rodriguez) and a "Great Nigerian Stoic" (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje).

5. Interestingly, the 2006 "Race War" edition of Survivor Survivor (which the publication of this column directly preceded) may have proved me wrong on this point. The thirteenth season of the series was dominated by two contestants (Yul Kwon and Ozzy l.u.s.th) who were both incredibly skilled and (mostly) honest and forthright. Yul ended up winning the $1 million on a 54 jury vote; it was probably the show's best season since the year 2000. Is this good news for America? Perhaps. Probably not, but perhaps. (which the publication of this column directly preceded) may have proved me wrong on this point. The thirteenth season of the series was dominated by two contestants (Yul Kwon and Ozzy l.u.s.th) who were both incredibly skilled and (mostly) honest and forthright. Yul ended up winning the $1 million on a 54 jury vote; it was probably the show's best season since the year 2000. Is this good news for America? Perhaps. Probably not, but perhaps.

6. Which is a risk every time an episode dwells on golf, the baby, or women Hurley is attracted to who don't listen to the Hold Steady.

Q: The world is ending. It's ending quickly, and it's ending dramatically. The world is ending. It's ending quickly, and it's ending dramatically.

It will either end at noon on your fiftieth birthday, or it will end two days after after you die (from natural causes) at the age of seventy-five. you die (from natural causes) at the age of seventy-five.

Which apocalyptic scenario do you prefer?

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Those who fail to understand the past are doomed to repeat it. However, what if that's your goal? What if that's exactly what you want out of life? What if repeating the past-and then repeating it again and again-is the only thing that makes you happy?

If this is indeed the case, you should do what I did: watch VH1 Cla.s.sic for twenty-four consecutive hours. Nothing wages war with insomnia like wall-to-wall videos from the Reagan era. More important, there is much that can be learned from such an experience. It's kind of like what Matthew McConaughey said in Dazed and Confused Dazed and Confused: "I get older, they stay the same age." Now, I realize he was talking about high-school girls and I'm referring to Duran Duran videos. But what's really the difference?

12:02 P.M.: The afternoon begins with Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers' "So You Want to Be a Rock & Roll Star," which is one of those videos where the band just performs a song live and we're supposed to like it. If I were a DJ, this would be a snarky song to play immediately following "Rock 'N' Roll Star" by Oasis. Tom is wearing a sports coat featuring the planets of the solar system (Saturn most prominently) and he's smiling constantly; I guess he likes his job. This is followed by a clip from an unsmiling Roger Waters, who sings about beautiful women walking their dogs on the Sunset Strip. I sense this shall be a day of paradoxes. The afternoon begins with Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers' "So You Want to Be a Rock & Roll Star," which is one of those videos where the band just performs a song live and we're supposed to like it. If I were a DJ, this would be a snarky song to play immediately following "Rock 'N' Roll Star" by Oasis. Tom is wearing a sports coat featuring the planets of the solar system (Saturn most prominently) and he's smiling constantly; I guess he likes his job. This is followed by a clip from an unsmiling Roger Waters, who sings about beautiful women walking their dogs on the Sunset Strip. I sense this shall be a day of paradoxes.

12:23 P.M.: "Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic" is currently on my twenty-one-inch life window, and the Police are dancing around the recording studio like a trio of nappyhaired gnomes. Everyone remembers that the Police wrote a bunch of great songs, but does anyone remember how often they wore stupid hats? Perhaps that was the style of the time. I can totally understand why Stewart Copeland always wanted to punch Sting in the throat. Up next is Duran Duran's "Planet Earth." Obviously, the guys in Duran II don't wear hats because they're "New RomanticLooking." As a consequence, one of the Andys in this band is dressed like a gay pirate and appears to be sporting my sister's least successful haircut from the spring of 1986. "Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic" is currently on my twenty-one-inch life window, and the Police are dancing around the recording studio like a trio of nappyhaired gnomes. Everyone remembers that the Police wrote a bunch of great songs, but does anyone remember how often they wore stupid hats? Perhaps that was the style of the time. I can totally understand why Stewart Copeland always wanted to punch Sting in the throat. Up next is Duran Duran's "Planet Earth." Obviously, the guys in Duran II don't wear hats because they're "New RomanticLooking." As a consequence, one of the Andys in this band is dressed like a gay pirate and appears to be sporting my sister's least successful haircut from the spring of 1986.

12:57 P.M.: Okay, so now we're into the hyper-trippy "All Right Now" by Free, and it's raising a few questions. Logically, there is no way that everyone in the 1970s was a drug addict; that just couldn't have been the case. However, this Free footage was clearly made exclusively for people who were completely high. Does this mean that the normal mind-set of mainstream culture in 1970 was akin to the way stoned people view the world in 2003? I mean, maybe even straight people thought they were stoned in the 1970s; maybe that's how everyone felt, all the time. This might explain how Jimmy Carter got elected; it also might explain why his presidency was tainted by an attack from a giant swimming rabbit. Music can teach us many things. Okay, so now we're into the hyper-trippy "All Right Now" by Free, and it's raising a few questions. Logically, there is no way that everyone in the 1970s was a drug addict; that just couldn't have been the case. However, this Free footage was clearly made exclusively for people who were completely high. Does this mean that the normal mind-set of mainstream culture in 1970 was akin to the way stoned people view the world in 2003? I mean, maybe even straight people thought they were stoned in the 1970s; maybe that's how everyone felt, all the time. This might explain how Jimmy Carter got elected; it also might explain why his presidency was tainted by an attack from a giant swimming rabbit. Music can teach us many things.

1:16 P.M.: We've moved into the "all-request hour." Someone has requested Franke and the Knockouts' "Sweetheart," which is a song I never even knew existed. I like to imagine that some unemployed slacker is sitting in his double-wide trailer in the middle of the afternoon, and he's thinking, We've moved into the "all-request hour." Someone has requested Franke and the Knockouts' "Sweetheart," which is a song I never even knew existed. I like to imagine that some unemployed slacker is sitting in his double-wide trailer in the middle of the afternoon, and he's thinking, Ah, yes. All my hard work has finally paid off. At long last, Franke and the Knockouts are back in the public consciousness. Ah, yes. All my hard work has finally paid off. At long last, Franke and the Knockouts are back in the public consciousness. And I would wager $10,000 that this person is named Franke. And I would wager $10,000 that this person is named Franke.

1:24 P.M.: "Dust in the Wind," my all-time favorite song about dirt and air, is pulling at my heartstrings while the bearded fellows in Kansas pull at their violin strings. You know, n.o.body makes truly sad songs anymore. Outside my bedroom window, some city employees are tearing up the sidewalk with jackhammers and playing the new 50 Cent record on a boom box; from what I can deduce, the first four tracks are about killing people and the fifth is about drinking Bacardi. Now, I realize 50 is reflecting the reality of the streets and the frailty of human existence, but didn't Kansas already do that? Nothing lasts forever, except the earth and sky. I should have become a farmer. "Dust in the Wind," my all-time favorite song about dirt and air, is pulling at my heartstrings while the bearded fellows in Kansas pull at their violin strings. You know, n.o.body makes truly sad songs anymore. Outside my bedroom window, some city employees are tearing up the sidewalk with jackhammers and playing the new 50 Cent record on a boom box; from what I can deduce, the first four tracks are about killing people and the fifth is about drinking Bacardi. Now, I realize 50 is reflecting the reality of the streets and the frailty of human existence, but didn't Kansas already do that? Nothing lasts forever, except the earth and sky. I should have become a farmer.

1:52 P.M.: Lindsey Buckingham is trapped in a fish tank and killing his doppelganger with mind bullets. Part of me is tempted to suggest that this low-fi technology and guileless chutzpah is cool and/or Advanced and/or better than videos of the modern age, but I just can't do it. This is pretty idiotic. No wonder Stevie Nicks had to do all that blow. I'm sure she saw this video in 1982 and thought to herself, Lindsey Buckingham is trapped in a fish tank and killing his doppelganger with mind bullets. Part of me is tempted to suggest that this low-fi technology and guileless chutzpah is cool and/or Advanced and/or better than videos of the modern age, but I just can't do it. This is pretty idiotic. No wonder Stevie Nicks had to do all that blow. I'm sure she saw this video in 1982 and thought to herself, I used to share my shawl with that guy? I used to share my shawl with that guy?

2:05 P.M.: There may be better guitar riffs than the opening of AC/DC's "Highway to h.e.l.l," but there can't be more than five. The singer's hat sure is stupid, though. I wish Stewart Copeland would punch him in the throat. There may be better guitar riffs than the opening of AC/DC's "Highway to h.e.l.l," but there can't be more than five. The singer's hat sure is stupid, though. I wish Stewart Copeland would punch him in the throat.

2:09 P.M.: I'm watching film footage of Jimi Hendrix's "Crosstown Traffic," and it's one of those montages where we see old scenes of traffic and frigid homeless people and crazy dudes in wheelchairs, and this is supposed to replicate the experience of traveling across Manhattan in 1968. However, I remain certain that this song must be a metaphor for a stubborn woman Hendrix was trying to sleep with, because there is no way Jimi Hendrix would ever be bothered by gridlock. I can't fathom a scenario where Jimi would have needed to be I'm watching film footage of Jimi Hendrix's "Crosstown Traffic," and it's one of those montages where we see old scenes of traffic and frigid homeless people and crazy dudes in wheelchairs, and this is supposed to replicate the experience of traveling across Manhattan in 1968. However, I remain certain that this song must be a metaphor for a stubborn woman Hendrix was trying to sleep with, because there is no way Jimi Hendrix would ever be bothered by gridlock. I can't fathom a scenario where Jimi would have needed to be on time, on time, unless he was late for a taping of unless he was late for a taping of The d.i.c.k Cavett Show. The d.i.c.k Cavett Show.

2:25 P.M.: One of my all-time favorite video tropes is the "Spontaneous s.e.x Party in the Cla.s.sroom" conceit, best personified by Van Halen in "Hot for Teacher" but also exemplified by what I'm watching right now, which is "s.e.xy + 17" by the Stray Cats. Sadly, the girls in this video don't look seventeen. This is more like the last few seasons of One of my all-time favorite video tropes is the "Spontaneous s.e.x Party in the Cla.s.sroom" conceit, best personified by Van Halen in "Hot for Teacher" but also exemplified by what I'm watching right now, which is "s.e.xy + 17" by the Stray Cats. Sadly, the girls in this video don't look seventeen. This is more like the last few seasons of Happy Days, Happy Days, where a thirty-six-year-old Fonzie would snap his fingers and be groped by two high-school cheerleaders, both of whom were roughly thirty-three. where a thirty-six-year-old Fonzie would snap his fingers and be groped by two high-school cheerleaders, both of whom were roughly thirty-three.

2:29 P.M.: Speaking of Van Halen, "s.e.xy + 17" is followed by "(Oh) Pretty Woman," which is a narrative about a semi-hot woman being s.e.xually tortured by two dwarves, only to be rescued by a cowboy (Eddie Van Halen), a jungle savage (Alex Van Halen), a Samurai warrior (Michael Anthony), and Napoleon Bonaparte (David Lee Roth). This was released in 1982, so I guess this was Van Halen's Village People period. Speaking of Van Halen, "s.e.xy + 17" is followed by "(Oh) Pretty Woman," which is a narrative about a semi-hot woman being s.e.xually tortured by two dwarves, only to be rescued by a cowboy (Eddie Van Halen), a jungle savage (Alex Van Halen), a Samurai warrior (Michael Anthony), and Napoleon Bonaparte (David Lee Roth). This was released in 1982, so I guess this was Van Halen's Village People period.

2:35 P.M.: Things are really getting excellent: Poison's "Fallen Angel" is ill.u.s.trating the cautionary tale of a small-town girl who moves to Los Angeles and immediately becomes a wh.o.r.e. The moral of our story? Never go anywhere and never try anything. Stay home and buy more Poison records. Things are really getting excellent: Poison's "Fallen Angel" is ill.u.s.trating the cautionary tale of a small-town girl who moves to Los Angeles and immediately becomes a wh.o.r.e. The moral of our story? Never go anywhere and never try anything. Stay home and buy more Poison records.

2:55 P.M.: Blue oyster Cult ("G.o.dzilla") and Led Zeppelin ("Whole Lotta Love") just had a heavyweight heavy-off, and (much to my surprise) the rubber radioactive monster pounds the mudshark out of the German war blimp. Blue oyster Cult ("G.o.dzilla") and Led Zeppelin ("Whole Lotta Love") just had a heavyweight heavy-off, and (much to my surprise) the rubber radioactive monster pounds the mudshark out of the German war blimp.

3:05 P.M.: I am informed by VH1 Cla.s.sic that "We ... are ... the '80s," and this is proven by Lionel Richie's willingness to dance on the ceiling. I think this video came out at roughly the same point when Lionel hosted the American Music Awards and kept inexplicably repeating the word I am informed by VH1 Cla.s.sic that "We ... are ... the '80s," and this is proven by Lionel Richie's willingness to dance on the ceiling. I think this video came out at roughly the same point when Lionel hosted the American Music Awards and kept inexplicably repeating the word outrageous, outrageous, the most overt (and least successful) attempt in pop history to create a national catchphrase. This video ends with Rodney Dangerfield bugging his eyes out and saying, "I shouldn't have eaten that upside-down cake!" Now that's a catchphrase. the most overt (and least successful) attempt in pop history to create a national catchphrase. This video ends with Rodney Dangerfield bugging his eyes out and saying, "I shouldn't have eaten that upside-down cake!" Now that's a catchphrase.

3:20 P.M.: With the exception of a waifish brunette wearing a negligee and placing her foot in a basin of water, R.E.M.'s video for "The One I Love" is remarkably similar to the opening credits of the old PBS science show With the exception of a waifish brunette wearing a negligee and placing her foot in a basin of water, R.E.M.'s video for "The One I Love" is remarkably similar to the opening credits of the old PBS science show 3-2-1 Contact. 3-2-1 Contact. I'm calling a copyright attorney. I'm calling a copyright attorney.

4:02 P.M.: Driven by hot-blooded l.u.s.t, Gloria Estefan is crawling into my lap and insisting the rhythm is going to get me (tonight). We'll just see about that, Gloria. You pipe down! Driven by hot-blooded l.u.s.t, Gloria Estefan is crawling into my lap and insisting the rhythm is going to get me (tonight). We'll just see about that, Gloria. You pipe down!

4:08 P.M.: When one really thinks about it, the message of Culture Club's "Karma Chameleon" is rather brilliant, inasmuch as the song examines the disconnect between the actions of a lover and how those deeds are interpreted. However, this disconnect is significantly downplayed by the video, inasmuch as it appears to glamorize riverboat gambling. When one really thinks about it, the message of Culture Club's "Karma Chameleon" is rather brilliant, inasmuch as the song examines the disconnect between the actions of a lover and how those deeds are interpreted. However, this disconnect is significantly downplayed by the video, inasmuch as it appears to glamorize riverboat gambling.

4:18 P.M.: "Raspberry Beret," the best Prince song ever recorded, is followed by the Bangles' "Manic Monday," the best Prince song ever recorded by somebody else. Prince supposedly gave "Manic Monday" to Susanna Hoffs in the hope that she would sleep with him. If I were Prince, that's all I would ever do-I'd write airtight singles for every female musician I ever met. As far as I can tell, the reason you write great songs is to become a rock star, and the reason you become a rock star is to have s.e.x with beautiful, famous women. Why not cut out the middleman? Prince is a genius. "Raspberry Beret," the best Prince song ever recorded, is followed by the Bangles' "Manic Monday," the best Prince song ever recorded by somebody else. Prince supposedly gave "Manic Monday" to Susanna Hoffs in the hope that she would sleep with him. If I were Prince, that's all I would ever do-I'd write airtight singles for every female musician I ever met. As far as I can tell, the reason you write great songs is to become a rock star, and the reason you become a rock star is to have s.e.x with beautiful, famous women. Why not cut out the middleman? Prince is a genius.

4:48 P.M.: Here is what I am learning from "Our House" by Madness: never invite ska musicians into your home, because they're all too f.u.c.king happy. "Our House" and Eddy Grant's "Electric Avenue" were my favorite songs in fifth grade. Man, I am so glad I got into Motley Crue. Here is what I am learning from "Our House" by Madness: never invite ska musicians into your home, because they're all too f.u.c.king happy. "Our House" and Eddy Grant's "Electric Avenue" were my favorite songs in fifth grade. Man, I am so glad I got into Motley Crue.

5:11 P.M.: Ian Astbury wears sungla.s.ses while singing "Whiskey Bar" with two surviving members of the Doors. Time to get nervous. Ian Astbury wears sungla.s.ses while singing "Whiskey Bar" with two surviving members of the Doors. Time to get nervous.

5:23 P.M.: In 1984, .38 Special released a record called In 1984, .38 Special released a record called Tour de Force. Tour de Force. Do you think they were serious about this? I mean, do you think they were sitting in the studio, working on tunes like "If I'd Been the One," and they eventually just looked each other in the eyes and said, "This is it. This is our tour de force." I'm sure this must have happened, because why else would you make a video where a bunch of wild horses run through a prairie fire? Do you think they were serious about this? I mean, do you think they were sitting in the studio, working on tunes like "If I'd Been the One," and they eventually just looked each other in the eyes and said, "This is it. This is our tour de force." I'm sure this must have happened, because why else would you make a video where a bunch of wild horses run through a prairie fire?

5:49 P.M.: I'm quite enjoying Michael Sembello's "Maniac." However, I'm a tad baffled: How did I'm quite enjoying Michael Sembello's "Maniac." However, I'm a tad baffled: How did Flashdance Flashdance ever get produced theatrically? The movie itself isn't necessarily bad (it's kind of good, sort of). But how did anyone pitching the script ever get past the segment of the description where he'd have to say, "Okay, now here's the key-this girl is also a professional welder." Because I'm sure every studio executive responded by saying, "She's what? A professional wrestler?" And then the guy pitching the script would have to go, "No no no, I said ever get produced theatrically? The movie itself isn't necessarily bad (it's kind of good, sort of). But how did anyone pitching the script ever get past the segment of the description where he'd have to say, "Okay, now here's the key-this girl is also a professional welder." Because I'm sure every studio executive responded by saying, "She's what? A professional wrestler?" And then the guy pitching the script would have to go, "No no no, I said welder, welder," and they'd have a twenty-minute conversation about how to strike an arc and why watching a woman do this would be s.e.xy. Which it is, but that doesn't make it any easier to explain.

6:00 P.M.: The The Metal Mania Metal Mania hour opens with "Summertime Girls" by Y&T, which makes me wish my apartment was an '84 Caprice Cla.s.sic. Beautiful women are wearing black leather outfits on the sands of Malibu, and that can't be comfortable. Luckily, they remove them in order to don black lingerie, which is evidently what they wear when they play beach volleyball. I can totally relate to this. hour opens with "Summertime Girls" by Y&T, which makes me wish my apartment was an '84 Caprice Cla.s.sic. Beautiful women are wearing black leather outfits on the sands of Malibu, and that can't be comfortable. Luckily, they remove them in order to don black lingerie, which is evidently what they wear when they play beach volleyball. I can totally relate to this.

6:07 P.M.: Go ahead and call me sentimental if you must, but I will always prefer the Def Leppard videos where the drummer still has both his arms. Go ahead and call me sentimental if you must, but I will always prefer the Def Leppard videos where the drummer still has both his arms.

6:12 P.M.: Memory is a strange thing. Example: I completely recalled that the Scorpions' "Rock You Like a Hurricane" video was about the band being locked inside a steel cage while hundreds of s.e.x-starved women tried to s.e.xually attack them. However, I had somehow blocked out the fact that this video also involved leopards. Memory is a strange thing. Example: I completely recalled that the Scorpions' "Rock You Like a Hurricane" video was about the band being locked inside a steel cage while hundreds of s.e.x-starved women tried to s.e.xually attack them. However, I had somehow blocked out the fact that this video also involved leopards.

6:25 P.M.: If I have a persecution complex (and I do), it undoubtedly came from watching Twisted Sister videos, namely "I Wanna Rock." If left to my own devices, I would have never realized how much society was actively trying to stop me from listening to Twisted Sister. If I have a persecution complex (and I do), it undoubtedly came from watching Twisted Sister videos, namely "I Wanna Rock." If left to my own devices, I would have never realized how much society was actively trying to stop me from listening to Twisted Sister.

6:42 P.M.: I'm watching "Girls, Girls, Girls" right now. One of the strip clubs Motley Crue mentions in this song is the Body Shop on the Sunset Strip, and every time I'm in L.A. I end up walking right past it. Part of me has always wanted to go in there, mostly because of this song. But I never do, mostly because of this song. I'm watching "Girls, Girls, Girls" right now. One of the strip clubs Motley Crue mentions in this song is the Body Shop on the Sunset Strip, and every time I'm in L.A. I end up walking right past it. Part of me has always wanted to go in there, mostly because of this song. But I never do, mostly because of this song.

6:55 P.M.: King Kobra. Kool. King Kobra. Kool.

7:01 P.M.: By some act of G.o.d, today's episode of By some act of G.o.d, today's episode of Headline Act Headline Act is about KISS. Paul Stanley gives me advice on how to live my life before playing "Rock and Roll All Nite." Gene Simmons explains that the KISS Army is a volunteer army. True dat. is about KISS. Paul Stanley gives me advice on how to live my life before playing "Rock and Roll All Nite." Gene Simmons explains that the KISS Army is a volunteer army. True dat.

7:32 P.M.: An interesting aside has just occurred to me: VH1 Cla.s.sic shows no commercials (just promos for VH1). It's been a long time since I've watched this much television without someone trying to sell me something. However, I suppose VH1 An interesting aside has just occurred to me: VH1 Cla.s.sic shows no commercials (just promos for VH1). It's been a long time since I've watched this much television without someone trying to sell me something. However, I suppose VH1 is is selling me something; they're selling nostalgia, which means they're selling my own memories back to me, which means they are selling me to me. I am both the commodity and the consumer. So what's the margin on that? selling me something; they're selling nostalgia, which means they're selling my own memories back to me, which means they are selling me to me. I am both the commodity and the consumer. So what's the margin on that?

7:40 P.M.: Whitney Houston tells me she gets so emotional, baby, and I believe her. This video came out years before she went f.u.c.knuts, but she already seems pretty bizarre and skeletal. Fourteen minutes later, Aretha Franklin sings "Freeway of Love." She is half as bizarre and forty times less skeletal. Whitney Houston tells me she gets so emotional, baby, and I believe her. This video came out years before she went f.u.c.knuts, but she already seems pretty bizarre and skeletal. Fourteen minutes later, Aretha Franklin sings "Freeway of Love." She is half as bizarre and forty times less skeletal.

8:06 P.M.: Okay, here's something I failed to antic.i.p.ate: it turns out VH1 Cla.s.sic operates on some kind of "block system," because they just played Tom Petty's "So You Want to Be a Rock & Roll Star" (again), and now they're playing the same Roger Waters s.h.i.t I saw at 12:05. I am now going to have to spend the next eight hours rewatching the exact same videos I just spent the previous eight hours watching, in the exact same sequence. If I were a member of al Qaeda, this would be enough to make me talk. Okay, here's something I failed to antic.i.p.ate: it turns out VH1 Cla.s.sic operates on some kind of "block system," because they just played Tom Petty's "So You Want to Be a Rock & Roll Star" (again), and now they're playing the same Roger Waters s.h.i.t I saw at 12:05. I am now going to have to spend the next eight hours rewatching the exact same videos I just spent the previous eight hours watching, in the exact same sequence. If I were a member of al Qaeda, this would be enough to make me talk.

8:28 P.M.: This is all so idiotically meta. Because this is VH1 Cla.s.sic, all these videos are things I saw in the distant past. They make me think of junior high. But because I just finished watching these same exact clips eight hours ago, my window for nostalgia is much smaller. I am now nostalgic for things that just happened. So the second time I see Fine Young Cannibals' "Good Thing," it makes me nostalgic for 12:30, which was when I had General Tso's chicken for lunch. Yeah, those were GTs. This is all so idiotically meta. Because this is VH1 Cla.s.sic, all these videos are things I saw in the distant past. They make me think of junior high. But because I just finished watching these same exact clips eight hours ago, my window for nostalgia is much smaller. I am now nostalgic for things that just happened. So the second time I see Fine Young Cannibals' "Good Thing," it makes me nostalgic for 12:30, which was when I had General Tso's chicken for lunch. Yeah, those were GTs.

8:57 P.M.: Let me be honest about something: I am not the first person who came up with the idea of watching rock videos and writing about the experience. In 1992, a brilliant guy named Hugh Gallagher locked himself in a hotel room and watched MTV for seven straight days (this is back when MTV still played videos). I recall him writing that a Black Crowes antiheroin video made him want to do heroin. That's nothing. He should have watched this Free video twice! Let me be honest about something: I am not the first person who came up with the idea of watching rock videos and writing about the experience. In 1992, a brilliant guy named Hugh Gallagher locked himself in a hotel room and watched MTV for seven straight days (this is back when MTV still played videos). I recall him writing that a Black Crowes antiheroin video made him want to do heroin. That's nothing. He should have watched this Free video twice!

9:10 P.M.: There is no way Derek Wittenburg can handle Clyde Drexler off the dribble, and Thurl Bailey cannot match up with Akeem Olajuwon on the block. I am certain Houston will win the 1983 NCAA championship. Oh, f.u.c.k ... this is ESPN Cla.s.sic. Sorry. There is no way Derek Wittenburg can handle Clyde Drexler off the dribble, and Thurl Bailey cannot match up with Akeem Olajuwon on the block. I am certain Houston will win the 1983 NCAA championship. Oh, f.u.c.k ... this is ESPN Cla.s.sic. Sorry.

9:16 P.M.: The first time I saw Triumph's video for "Somebody's Out There," I failed to notice that it inexplicably involved a woman looking into a microscope. Maybe all this repet.i.tion will pay dividends. The first time I saw Triumph's video for "Somebody's Out There," I failed to notice that it inexplicably involved a woman looking into a microscope. Maybe all this repet.i.tion will pay dividends.

10:19 P.M.: In the world of Deep Purple's "Knocking at Your Backdoor," windmills are remarkably prominent. In the world of Deep Purple's "Knocking at Your Backdoor," windmills are remarkably prominent.

10:31 P.M.: Earlier today, I saw Van Halen's "(Oh) Pretty Woman" and merely thought it was strange. Upon further review, this is the craziest thing I have ever seen in my entire life. Earlier today, I saw Van Halen's "(Oh) Pretty Woman" and merely thought it was strange. Upon further review, this is the craziest thing I have ever seen in my entire life.

10:51 P.M.: I was wrong about something else this afternoon: upon further review, Zeppelin is substantially heavier than BoC. I had just been distracted by the two-minute drum solo near the end of "G.o.dzilla." It also dawned on me (during Jimmy Page's solo) that some yet-to-be-invented band should make an homage to early-'70s psychedelic acid-rock videos that transpose live performance with still photography. I was wrong about something else this afternoon: upon further review, Zeppelin is substantially heavier than BoC. I had just been distracted by the two-minute drum solo near the end of "G.o.dzilla." It also dawned on me (during Jimmy Page's solo) that some yet-to-be-invented band should make an homage to early-'70s psychedelic acid-rock videos that transpose live performance with still photography.1 12:07 A.M.: Well, it's now been twelve hours since I started this project. I think I'm holding up okay, although it's a lot less fun to watch videos when you always know what's coming up next. This is becoming a Groundhog Day fiasco. But static stimuli makes you consider curious things: like, was Boy George attractive? And I don't mean attractive as a man, nor do I mean attractive as a woman. It's more like, was he attractive Well, it's now been twelve hours since I started this project. I think I'm holding up okay, although it's a lot less fun to watch videos when you always know what's coming up next. This is becoming a Groundhog Day fiasco. But static stimuli makes you consider curious things: like, was Boy George attractive? And I don't mean attractive as a man, nor do I mean attractive as a woman. It's more like, was he attractive as a human as a human? And why does the answer to that question suddenly seem so different than the answer to the first question?

12:46 A.M.: Corey Hart looks exactly like a kid I attended basketball camp with in seventh grade. That guy had no game whatsoever. He did, however, upturn the collar of his IZOD, just as Corey does in the video from "Never Surrender," which I'm now watching. I think that kid from basketball camp was named "Corey," too. Or maybe it was Monroe. Oh well, let's move on. Corey Hart looks exactly like a kid I attended basketball camp with in seventh grade. That guy had no game whatsoever. He did, however, upturn the collar of his IZOD, just as Corey does in the video from "Never Surrender," which I'm now watching. I think that kid from basketball camp was named "Corey," too. Or maybe it was Monroe. Oh well, let's move on.

1:20 A.M.: I have very mixed feelings about this REO Speed-wagon video ("Roll with the Changes"). That whole era-1979 to 1983, roughly-was definitely the worst period in the history of rock music. But I think it's probably my favorite era of rock music, and my reasons for feeling this way are complex. At risk of getting all pseudo-Zen, I don't like listening to "Roll with the Changes," but I like the way it sounds. And I don't like looking at REO Speedwagon, but I like the way they look. The bottom line, I suspect, is that there was never another time where the gap between "totally great" and "completely terrible" was so minuscule, which is why I'm glad VH1 Cla.s.sic exists. I have very mixed feelings about this REO Speed-wagon video ("Roll with the Changes"). That whole era-1979 to 1983, roughly-was definitely the worst period in the history of rock music. But I think it's probably my favorite era of rock music, and my reasons for feeling this way are complex. At risk of getting all pseudo-Zen, I don't like listening to "Roll with the Changes," but I like the way it sounds. And I don't like looking at REO Speedwagon, but I like the way they look. The bottom line, I suspect, is that there was never another time where the gap between "totally great" and "completely terrible" was so minuscule, which is why I'm glad VH1 Cla.s.sic exists.

2:04 A.M.: "Let It Go" by the j.a.panese metal band Loudness includes ample footage of industrial power saws slicing through tree trunks (We're back to the aforementioned Metal Mania hour). It would be fascinating to interview the director of this video today, because I'd love to hear him try and explain what he was trying to convey with this imagery. There is no plausible explanation: this is "heavy metal." It's not "heavy lumber" (and even if this film was conceptualized by some forward-thinking Tokyo auteur who spoke no English whatsoever, there's no way he could misinterpret that). Is this supposed to mean the music of Loudness will attack the listener with the frenzied power of sharpened steel? If so, I guess that makes us the trees. "Let It Go" by the j.a.panese metal band Loudness includes ample footage of industrial power saws slicing through tree trunks (We're back to the aforementioned Metal Mania hour). It would be fascinating to interview the director of this video today, because I'd love to hear him try and explain what he was trying to convey with this imagery. There is no plausible explanation: this is "heavy metal." It's not "heavy lumber" (and even if this film was conceptualized by some forward-thinking Tokyo auteur who spoke no English whatsoever, there's no way he could misinterpret that). Is this supposed to mean the music of Loudness will attack the listener with the frenzied power of sharpened steel? If so, I guess that makes us the trees.

2:14 A.M.: Never before have I been so well informed about VH1's programming schedule. If you have any questions about upcoming episodes of Never before have I been so well informed about VH1's programming schedule. If you have any questions about upcoming episodes of Driven, Driven, feel free to e-mail me at [email protected] feel free to e-mail me at

2:41 A.M.: "Girls, Girls, Girls," again, again, again. What we learn from this video is that there are two kinds of strippers in this world: those who smile and those who don't. The ones who don't are apparently trying to seem sultrier, but I prefer the ones who smile. I get the impression the guys in Motley Crue spend less time worrying about this, though. "Girls, Girls, Girls," again, again, again. What we learn from this video is that there are two kinds of strippers in this world: those who smile and those who don't. The ones who don't are apparently trying to seem sultrier, but I prefer the ones who smile. I get the impression the guys in Motley Crue spend less time worrying about this, though.

3:00 A.M.: New (old) videos start in an hour. I am so ... oh, I don't know. Stoked? New (old) videos start in an hour. I am so ... oh, I don't know. Stoked?

3:05 A.M.: The triumphant return of that thirty-minute KISS retrospective I already watched at 7:00 P.M. Paul Stanley compares KISS in 1972 to a "baby piranha." Later, he discusses the concept of freedom and its application to the video for "Tears Are Falling." He's a G.o.dd.a.m.n prophet. The triumphant return of that thirty-minute KISS retrospective I already watched at 7:00 P.M. Paul Stanley compares KISS in 1972 to a "baby piranha." Later, he discusses the concept of freedom and its application to the video for "Tears Are Falling." He's a G.o.dd.a.m.n prophet.

4:01 A.M.: Oh my G.o.d. Oh my G.o.d oh my G.o.d oh my G.o.d. It's Tom Petty's "So You Wanna Be a Rock & Roll Star." This block of All-Star Jams is starting over again. This can't be happening. But it's happening. Oh my G.o.d. Oh my G.o.d. Oh my G.o.d oh my G.o.d oh my G.o.d. It's Tom Petty's "So You Wanna Be a Rock & Roll Star." This block of All-Star Jams is starting over again. This can't be happening. But it's happening. Oh my G.o.d.

4:41 A.M.: I've now seen Paul Carrack's "Don't Shed a Tear" thrice, and it's not getting any better. I hate this. I hate Paul Carrack. I hate myself. But I will not shed a tear, because Paul Carrack understands me better than I understand myself. I've now seen Paul Carrack's "Don't Shed a Tear" thrice, and it's not getting any better. I hate this. I hate Paul Carrack. I hate myself. But I will not shed a tear, because Paul Carrack understands me better than I understand myself.

4:47 A.M.: Some VJ named Eddie Trunk just implied that "Spill the Wine" by Eric Burdon and War helped end the Vietnam War. Some VJ named Eddie Trunk just implied that "Spill the Wine" by Eric Burdon and War helped end the Vietnam War.

5:42 A.M.: The video for Taco's "Puttin' on the Ritz" is not remotely akin to the way I remember it from The video for Taco's "Puttin' on the Ritz" is not remotely akin to the way I remember it from Friday Night Videos. Friday Night Videos. It seems to be set in a postapocalyptic haunted mansion, occupied by goth witches and tuxedo-clad warlocks wielding Darth Vader's light sabers. I suddenly have an urge to locate my twelve-sided die and roll up some hit points. It seems to be set in a postapocalyptic haunted mansion, occupied by goth witches and tuxedo-clad warlocks wielding Darth Vader's light sabers. I suddenly have an urge to locate my twelve-sided die and roll up some hit points.

6:02 A.M.: At long last, a format change: since it's now "officially" Tuesday, we have entered At long last, a format change: since it's now "officially" Tuesday, we have entered Tuesday Two Play, Tuesday Two Play, which means I get to see two consecutive videos by every artist who appears. We begin with Bruce Springsteen doing "My Home-town" (live, with Clarence Clemons on tambourine) and "Thunder Road." Back in reality, the sun has risen in the east, and people I will never know are jogging outside my bedroom window. The world is a foreign place. I do not belong here. which means I get to see two consecutive videos by every artist who appears. We begin with Bruce Springsteen doing "My Home-town" (live, with Clarence Clemons on tambourine) and "Thunder Road." Back in reality, the sun has risen in the east, and people I will never know are jogging outside my bedroom window. The world is a foreign place. I do not belong here.

6:29 A.M.: I drift into shallow slumber and awake from a horrifying dream: a thin man is waving a bouquet of flowers at me, and I am struck into a coma. When the coma is shattered, I find myself half naked, confused about my s.e.xual ident.i.ty, and overcome by sadness. I think a train may be involved, and possibly a double-decker bus. But then I realize something else: I've been awake this whole time. These are just Smiths videos. I drift into shallow slumber and awake from a horrifying dream: a thin man is waving a bouquet of flowers at me, and I am struck into a coma. When the coma is shattered, I find myself half naked, confused about my s.e.xual ident.i.ty, and overcome by sadness. I think a train may be involved, and possibly a double-decker bus. But then I realize something else: I've been awake this whole time. These are just Smiths videos.

7:45 A.M.: Neil Young and Pearl Jam keep on rockin' in the free world. Van Halen asks me if this is love while swigging Jack Daniel's from the stage, and I have no valid answer. An underage girl on the beach says she wants candy, and it seems dirty. And it is. Neil Young and Pearl Jam keep on rockin' in the free world. Van Halen asks me if this is love while swigging Jack Daniel's from the stage, and I have no valid answer. An underage girl on the beach says she wants candy, and it seems dirty. And it is.

10:03 A.M.: I'm running out of material. I just watched David Bowie's "Ashes to Ashes," and all I could think to write was, "Hmm ... this looks like a I'm running out of material. I just watched David Bowie's "Ashes to Ashes," and all I could think to write was, "Hmm ... this looks like a Dr. Who Dr. Who episode." I think I actually made the joke yesterday. Now I'm watching a pair of Steve Winwood videos and I can't remember what these songs are t.i.tled, even when I'm hearing the chorus. I feel eight hundred years old. episode." I think I actually made the joke yesterday. Now I'm watching a pair of Steve Winwood videos and I can't remember what these songs are t.i.tled, even when I'm hearing the chorus. I feel eight hundred years old.

10:17 A.M.: Whenever I'd listen to Toto's "Africa," I always a.s.sumed the song was using Africa as a metaphor. However, this video suggests the song is literally about the continent itself (and maybe about an African American travel agent, although I can't be sure), so now I'm confused. It definitely has a globe, though. Also, what does "Africa" have to do with the movie Whenever I'd listen to Toto's "Africa," I always a.s.sumed the song was using Africa as a metaphor. However, this video suggests the song is literally about the continent itself (and maybe about an African American travel agent, although I can't be sure), so now I'm confused. It definitely has a globe, though. Also, what does "Africa" have to do with the movie Fatal Attraction Fatal Attraction? I swore I just heard some VJ talking about that movie (and its relationship to Toto). I struggle.

10:55 A.M.: Here's an idea: Why doesn't someone create a network called CNN Cla.s.sic, which could be a twenty-four-hour channel of old news broadcasts? They could air old episodes of Here's an idea: Why doesn't someone create a network called CNN Cla.s.sic, which could be a twenty-four-hour channel of old news broadcasts? They could air old episodes of 60 Minutes 60 Minutes and the wall-to-wall coverage that was shown during memorable national disasters and random episodes of and the wall-to-wall coverage that was shown during memorable national disasters and random episodes of World News Tonight World News Tonight from the 1970s. They could rebroadcast all the news reports from the day Robert F. Kennedy was shot and the real-time news feeds from the 1986 from the 1970s. They could rebroadcast all the news reports from the day Robert F. Kennedy was shot and the real-time news feeds from the 1986 Challenger Challenger explosion. This idea seems unspeakably brilliant to me, and I honestly can't believe I'm the only person who ever got high and came up with it. explosion. This idea seems unspeakably brilliant to me, and I honestly can't believe I'm the only person who ever got high and came up with it.

11:35 A.M.: Okay, we're less than thirty minutes away from the end of this joy ride, and I'm watching a Bryan Ferry video that's primarily composed of unicorn footage from the movie Okay, we're less than thirty minutes away from the end of this joy ride, and I'm watching a Bryan Ferry video that's primarily composed of unicorn footage from the movie Legend. Legend. I should retire right now. This is undoubtedly the apex of my career as a journalist. I should retire right now. This is undoubtedly the apex of my career as a journalist.

11:58 A.M.: Well, this is it. The end of the road. And who do I see when I reach nirvana? No, not Nirvana; it's Cher ("Heart of Stone"), and I think she's singing about people who died in Vietnam. And-somehow-this makes perfect sense to me. Nature has created no being as irrepressible as Cher, a woman who keeps coming back in order to remind us that she used to be somebody (and will therefore be somebody forever). This is why VH1 Cla.s.sic exists-it's a network for people who live exclusively in the past and the future, forever ignoring the present tense. Which means it's for pretty much everybody over the age of eighteen and under the age of forty-five. And when I see Cher again at 7:58 P.M., this will still be true, just as it was eight hours ago. Well, this is it. The end of the road. And who do I see when I reach nirvana? No, not Nirvana; it's Cher ("Heart of Stone"), and I think she's singing about people who died in Vietnam. And-somehow-this makes perfect sense to me. Nature has created no being as irrepressible as Cher, a woman who keeps coming back in order to remind us that she used to be somebody (and will therefore be somebody forever). This is why VH1 Cla.s.sic exists-it's a network for people who live exclusively in the past and the future, forever ignoring the present tense. Which means it's for pretty much everybody over the age of eighteen and under the age of forty-five. And when I see Cher again at 7:58 P.M., this will still be true, just as it was eight hours ago.

-SPIN.com, 2003

1. And this band should come from Scandinavia and be called "Dungen."

"Ha ha," he said. "Ha ha."

1 Sometimes writing is difficult. Sometimes writing is like pounding a brick wall with a ball-peen hammer in the hope that the barricade will evolve into a revolving door. Sometimes writing is like talking to a stranger who's exactly like yourself in every possible way, only to realize that this stranger is boring as s.h.i.t. In better moments, writing is the opposite of difficult-it's as if your fingers meander arbitrarily in crosswise patterns and (suddenly) you find yourself reading something you didn't realize you already knew. Most of the time, the process falls somewhere in between. But there's one kind of writing that's Sometimes writing is difficult. Sometimes writing is like pounding a brick wall with a ball-peen hammer in the hope that the barricade will evolve into a revolving door. Sometimes writing is like talking to a stranger who's exactly like yourself in every possible way, only to realize that this stranger is boring as s.h.i.t. In better moments, writing is the opposite of difficult-it's as if your fingers meander arbitrarily in crosswise patterns and (suddenly) you find yourself reading something you didn't realize you already knew. Most of the time, the process falls somewhere in between. But there's one kind of writing that's always always easy: Picking out something obviously stupid and reiterating how stupid it obviously is. This is the lowest form of criticism, easily accomplished by anyone. And for most of my life, I have tried to avoid this. In fact, I've spent an inordinate amount of time searching for the underrated value in ostensibly stupid things. I understand Turtle's motivation and I would have watched easy: Picking out something obviously stupid and reiterating how stupid it obviously is. This is the lowest form of criticism, easily accomplished by anyone. And for most of my life, I have tried to avoid this. In fact, I've spent an inordinate amount of time searching for the underrated value in ostensibly stupid things. I understand Turtle's motivation and I would have watched Medellin Medellin in the theater. I read in the theater. I read Mary Worth Mary Worth every day for a decade. I've seen Korn in concert three times and liked them once. I went to every day for a decade. I've seen Korn in concert three times and liked them once. I went to The Day After Tomorrow The Day After Tomorrow on opening night. I own a very expensive robot that doesn't do anything. I am open to the possibility that everything has metaphorical merit, and I see no point in sardonically attacking the most predictable failures within any culture. I always prefer to do the opposite, even if my argument becomes insane by necessity. on opening night. I own a very expensive robot that doesn't do anything. I am open to the possibility that everything has metaphorical merit, and I see no point in sardonically attacking the most predictable failures within any culture. I always prefer to do the opposite, even if my argument becomes insane by necessity.

But sometimes I can't.

Sometimes I experience something so profoundly idiotic-and so deeply universal-that I cannot find any contrarian perspective, even for the sole purpose of playful contrarianism. These are not the things that are stupid for what they are; these are the things that are stupid for what they supposedly reflect about human nature. These are things that make me feel completely alone in the world, because I cannot fathom how the overwhelming majority of people ignores them entirely. These are not real problems (like climate change or African genocide), because those issues are complex and multifaceted; they're also not intangible personal hypocrisies (like insincerity or greed), because those qualities are biological and understandable. These are things that exist only because they exist they exist. We accept them, we give them a social meaning, and they become part of how we live. Yet these are the things that truly ill.u.s.trate how ridiculous mankind can be. These are the things that prove just how confused people are (and will always be), and these are the things that are so stupid that they make me feel nothing. Not sadness. Not anger. Not guilt. Nothing.

These are the stupidest things our society has ever manufactured.

And-at least to me-there is one stupid idea that towers above all others. In practice, its impact is minor; in theory, it's the most f.u.c.ked-up media construction sp.a.w.ned by the twentieth century. And I've felt this way for (almost) my entire life.

I can't think of anything philosophically stupider than laugh tracks.

2 Perhaps this seems like a shallow complaint to you. Perhaps you think that railing against canned laughter is like complaining that nuclear detonations are bad for the local bunny population. I don't care. Go read a vampire novel. To me, laugh tracks are as stupid as we get. And, yes, I realize this phenomenon is being phased out by modernity. That's good. There will be a day in the future when this essay will make no sense, because canned laughter will be as extinct as TV theme songs. It will only be used as a way to inform audiences that they're supposed to be watching a fake TV show from the 1970s. But-right now, today-canned laughter is still a central component of escapist television. The most popular sitcom on TV, Perhaps this seems like a shallow complaint to you. Perhaps you think that railing against canned laughter is like complaining that nuclear detonations are bad for the local bunny population. I don't care. Go read a vampire novel. To me, laugh tracks are as stupid as we get. And, yes, I realize this phenomenon is being phased out by modernity. That's good. There will be a day in the future when this essay will make no sense, because canned laughter will be as extinct as TV theme songs. It will only be used as a way to inform audiences that they're supposed to be watching a fake TV show from the 1970s. But-right now, today-canned laughter is still a central component of escapist television. The most popular sitcom on TV, Two and a Half Men, Two and a Half Men, still uses a laugh track, as does the (slightly) more credible still uses a laugh track, as does the (slightly) more credible How I Met Your Mother How I Met Your Mother and the (significantly) less credible and the (significantly) less credible The Big Bang Theory The Big Bang Theory. Forced laughter is also central to the three live-action syndicated shows that are broadcast more than any other, Friends, Home Improvement, Friends, Home Improvement, and and Seinfeld Seinfeld. Cheers Cheers will be repeated forever, as will the unseen people guffawing at its barroom banter. And I will always notice this, and it will never become rea.s.suring or nostalgic or quaint. It will always seem stupid, because canned laughter represents the worst qualities of insecure people. will be repeated forever, as will the unseen people guffawing at its barroom banter. And I will always notice this, and it will never become rea.s.suring or nostalgic or quaint. It will always seem stupid, because canned laughter represents the worst qualities of insecure people.

Now, I realize these qualities can be seen everywhere in life and within lots of complicated contexts. Insecurity is part of being alive. But it's never less complicated than this. It's never less complicated than a machine that tries to make you feel like you're already enjoying something, simply because people you'll never meet were convinced to laugh at something else entirely.

2A I am not the first writer who's been perversely fascinated with fake laughter. Ron Rosenbaum I am not the first writer who's been perversely fascinated with fake laughter. Ron Rosenbaum1 wrote a story for wrote a story for Esquire Esquire in the 1970s t.i.tled "Inside the Canned Laughter War" that chronicled attempts by Ralph Waldo Emerson III in the 1970s t.i.tled "Inside the Canned Laughter War" that chronicled attempts by Ralph Waldo Emerson III2 to sell American TV networks on a new laughter device that was intended to usurp the original "Laff Box" designed by Charlie Dougla.s.s for the early fifties program to sell American TV networks on a new laughter device that was intended to usurp the original "Laff Box" designed by Charlie Dougla.s.s for the early fifties program The Hank McCune Show The Hank McCune Show. Rosenbaum's piece is apolitical, mainly memorable for mentioning that the voices heard on modern laugh tracks were often the same original voices recorded by Douglas during pre-ancient radio shows like Burns and Allen, Burns and Allen, which would mean that the sound we hear on laugh tracks is the sound of dead people laughing. As far as I can tell, this has never been proven. But it must be at least which would mean that the sound we hear on laugh tracks is the sound of dead people laughing. As far as I can tell, this has never been proven. But it must be at least partially partially true; there must be at least a few people recorded for laugh tracks who are now dead, even if their laughter was recorded yesterday. People die all the time. If you watch any episode of true; there must be at least a few people recorded for laugh tracks who are now dead, even if their laughter was recorded yesterday. People die all the time. If you watch any episode of Seinfeld, Seinfeld, you can be 100 percent confidant that you can be 100 percent confidant that somebody somebody chuckling in the background is six feet underground. I a.s.sume this makes Larry David ecstatic. chuckling in the background is six feet underground. I a.s.sume this makes Larry David ecstatic.

During the height of the Laff Box Era (the 1970s), lots of TV critics railed against the use of canned laughter, so much so that TV shows began making a concerted effort to always mention that they were taped in front of a live audience (although even those live tapings were almost always mechanically sweetened). At the time, the primary criticism was that laugh tracks were being used to mask bad writing-in Annie Hall, Annie Hall, Woody Allen's self-styled character chastises a colleague working in the TV industry for adding counterfeit hilarity to a terrible program ("Do you realize how immoral this all is?"). Less concrete aesthetes argued that the Laff Box obliterated the viewer's suspension of disbelief, although it's hard to imagine how realistically invested audiences were ever supposed to feel about Woody Allen's self-styled character chastises a colleague working in the TV industry for adding counterfeit hilarity to a terrible program ("Do you realize how immoral this all is?"). Less concrete aesthetes argued that the Laff Box obliterated the viewer's suspension of disbelief, although it's hard to imagine how realistically invested audiences were ever supposed to feel about Mork and Mindy. Mork and Mindy. I concede that both of these condemnations were accurate. But those things never bothered me. Laugh tracks never detracted from bad writing, and they never stopped me from thinking the cast of I concede that both of these condemnations were accurate. But those things never bothered me. Laugh tracks never detracted from bad writing, and they never stopped me from thinking the cast of Taxi Taxi weren't legitimate taxi drivers. Those issues are minor. What bothers me is the underlying suggestion that what you are experiencing is different than whatever your mind tells you is actually happening. Moreover, laugh tracks want you to accept that this constructed reality can become the way you feel, or at least the way you behave. It's a concept grounded in the darkest of perspectives: A laugh track a.s.sumes that you are not confident enough to sit quietly, even if your supposed peer group is (a) completely invisible and (b) theoretically dead. weren't legitimate taxi drivers. Those issues are minor. What bothers me is the underlying suggestion that what you are experiencing is different than whatever your mind tells you is actually happening. Moreover, laugh tracks want you to accept that this constructed reality can become the way you feel, or at least the way you behave. It's a concept grounded in the darkest of perspectives: A laugh track a.s.sumes that you are not confident enough to sit quietly, even if your supposed peer group is (a) completely invisible and (b) theoretically dead.

1A I lived in eastern Germany for four months of 2008. There were a million weird things about living there, but there was one that I didn't antic.i.p.ate: Germans don't fake-laugh. If someone in Germany is laughing, it's because he or she physically can't help themselves; they are laughing because they're authentically amused. n.o.body there ever laughs because of I lived in eastern Germany for four months of 2008. There were a million weird things about living there, but there was one that I didn't antic.i.p.ate: Germans don't fake-laugh. If someone in Germany is laughing, it's because he or she physically can't help themselves; they are laughing because they're authentically amused. n.o.body there ever laughs because of politeness politeness. n.o.body laughs out of obligation obligation. And what this made me recognize is how much American laughter is purely conditioned. Most of our laughing-I would say at least 51 percent-has no relation to humor or to how we actually feel.

You really, really notice this in German grocery stores. When paying for food in Leipzig, I was struck by how much of my daily interaction was punctuated by laughter that was totally detached from what I was doing. I would buy some beer and cookies and give the clerk a twenty-euro note; inevitably, the clerk would ask if I had exact change, because Germans are obsessed with both exactness and money. I would reach into my pocket and discover I had no coins, so I would reply, "Um-heh heh heh. No. Sorry. Ha! Guess not." I made these noises without thinking. Every single time, the clerk would just stare at me stoically. It had never before occurred to me how often I reflexively laugh; only in the absence of a response did I realize I was laughing for no reason whatsoever. It somehow felt comfortable. Now that I'm back in the U.S., I notice this all the time: People half-heartedly chuckle throughout most casual conversations, regardless of the topic. It's a modern extension of the verbalized pause, built by TV laugh tracks. Everyone in America has three laughs: a real laugh, a fake real laugh, and a "filler laugh" they use during impersonal conversations. We have been trained to connect conversation with soft, interst.i.tial laughter. It's our way of showing the other person that we understand the context of the interaction, even when we don't.

This is not the only reason Germans think Americans are r.e.t.a.r.ded, but it's definitely one of them.

2B Part of what makes the notion of canned laughter so mysterious is the way it continues to exist within a media world that regularly rewards shows that Part of what makes the notion of canned laughter so mysterious is the way it continues to exist within a media world that regularly rewards shows that don't don't employ it. Virtually every high-end, "sophisticated" comedy of the early twenty-first century- employ it. Virtually every high-end, "sophisticated" comedy of the early twenty-first century-Arrested Development, It's Always Suny in Philadelphia, Curb Your Enthusiasm, The Simpsons, 30 Rock-is immune to canned laughter, and it's difficult to imagine any of those shows supplemented with mechanical, antiseptic chuckling. Very often, the absence of a laugh track serves as a more effective guidepost than the laughter itself-audiences have come to understand that any situation comedy without canned laughter is supposed to be smarter, hipper, and less predictable than traditional versions of the genre. This comprehension began with the Korean War sitcom M*A*S*H, M*A*S*H, a series that started with the removal of canned laughter from scenes in the hospital operating room (so as not to mitigate the reality of people bleeding to death) and eventually excluded it from the entire broadcast altogether (in order to remind audiences that they were watching something quasi-political and semi-important). But this collective a.s.sumption raises two questions: a series that started with the removal of canned laughter from scenes in the hospital operating room (so as not to mitigate the reality of people bleeding to death) and eventually excluded it from the entire broadcast altogether (in order to remind audiences that they were watching something quasi-political and semi-important). But this collective a.s.sumption raises two questions: 1. If TV audiences have come to accept that comedic shows without laugh tracks are edgier and more meaningful, is it not possible that the reverse would also be true (in other words, does removing the laugh track change the way a viewer preconceives the show, regardless of its content)?

2. If all the best comedies are devoid of fake laughter, why would anyone elect to use them at all (under any circ.u.mstance)?

What's interesting about these two queries is the way their answers are connected. The answer to the first question is, "Absolutely." If you watch a comedy that forgoes contrived laughter, you will unconsciously (or maybe even consciously consciously) take it more seriously. Jokes will be interpreted as meaner, weirder, and deeper than however they were originally written. When Liz Lemon says something on 30 Rock 30 Rock that isn't funny, there's always the paradoxical possibility that this was intentional; perhaps Tina Fey is commenting on the inanity of the "sitcom joke construct" and purposefully interjecting a joke that failed, thereby making the that isn't funny, there's always the paradoxical possibility that this wa