I left the hotel disillusioned and scurried down Hue Street to the Hoan Kiem Lake. Alone and hurting, I trudged around the lake with tears falling uncontrollably. I sobbed in anguish fearing that my dreams were gone. Pa.s.sersby stared at me and a couple of women asked if they could help. I shook my head and scurried off.

As Jesus spoke to His followers in parables, I need to tell my own personal parable.

Chapter Twenty-Four.

...Shall we accept good from G.o.d, and not trouble...

Job 2:10 Back many years ago, my ex husband and I lived in Augusta, Georgia. He was in medical school at the Medical College of Augusta and I worked as a court reporter putting him through medical school. One morning on my way into work, there was a long line of cars backed up on Greene Street. Brown Court Reporting, Inc., the company I worked for, was at least several blocks down the road. People had turned off their engines and were meandering around on the road waiting.

I got out of my car and walked up the street to where some people were hanging out and asked, "What's going on?"

The man said nonchalantly, "Apparently a dog got hit by a car."

Being a dog lover, my heart welled up as I wondered how badly the dog was hurt, who he belonged to, and if he would be okay, but the man didn't know anything more.

I waited a few more minutes, not sure what to do. When it didn't look as though things would clear out any time in the immediate future, I turned around and went a different way to the office.

But throughout the morning, I kept thinking about the little dog that had been hit by a car. I wanted to know more. I walked downstairs and started checking around with some of the people in other offices on the street to find out if anybody knew what had happened. Someone told me they thought he had been transported to a local veterinarian. I scoured around and found the vet to which the poor little dog had been taken. I called to inquire.

"No," said the person on the other end. "The owner hasn't been located." They didn't know who she belonged to, but she needed immediate medical attention or she would die. Her leg had been badly injured and needed to be amputated.

"How much would that cost?" I asked.

"About $200," the woman replied.

That was a lot of money back in those days, but now that I had involved myself this much, how could I hang up the phone and not help."

"Okay," I told her. "I will pay the $200 for the surgery if she will live."

"Are you sure?" She asked me. "It's not your dog."

I was sure. My only worry was how I would explain it to my husband and what would I do with Fifi after the surgery. I knew he wouldn't want another dog.

We already had a little dog, Sh.e.l.ley. She was a stray who showed up on our back porch in Atlanta one day a few months after we were married. Not that much different from my childhood dog, Gypsy, who had walked into the house one evening with my dad when he returned home from buying milk. I wasn't sure if the two would get along. Sh.e.l.ley had never had to share us."

"When can I come by and meet her?" I asked.

"Why don't you wait till later this afternoon after the surgery?"

I spent the rest of the day imagining what the little dog looked like and how I would explain to my husband that I had rescued a dog from certain death, that the dog was an amputee, and I had paid $200 for surgery on a dog I had never even met.

Finally the veterinarian's office called and said the surgery had been successful. Fifi's leg had been amputated without complications. I could come see her but they wanted her to remain overnight for a couple of days until she was well enough for me to take her home.

"Have you heard from anybody claiming to be her owner?" I asked hopefully?

"No," she said. "We don't know who she belongs to."

Late that afternoon, I dropped by the animal hospital on the way home from work. I told them who I was, and they were glad to meet me. I gave them the check for $200 and thanked them for taking care of Fifi.

"Do you want to see her?" The tech asked me. "She is in recovery."

"Sure," I said."

They took me to an adjoining room and I poked my head in the door. Before me was a scroungy looking tan and white terrier, with large floppy ears and strands of hair covering her closed eyelids. Fifi aptly described her, a hurt, orphaned dog in need of love and a home. She lay curled up in a little ball with one huge bandage where her back right leg used to be.

I left the vet's office with mixed emotions. I was glad I was able to save her life and give her a home, but I was wondering when I got home how I would explain it to my husband.

"You did what?" He asked me, as I was about halfway through my prepared speech, when he realized I had something more important to talk about than just the weather.

I tried to justify everything I said, saying we would find a home for Fifi and I didn't plan on keeping her. Of course, he knew me better than that, but by the time we went to bed that night, he had acquiesced and given a half hearted yes to the new addition to the family, provided that Fifi and Sh.e.l.ley got along okay, which I was more than willing to accept. I would make sure of that.

Two days pa.s.sed and we were able to bring Fifi home. We made her a bed and slowly introduced her to Sh.e.l.ley, just a few minutes at a time, several times throughout the evening. At night we crated her to keep her safe. Fifi was still wearing a wrap where her leg used to be and was still hobbling around getting used to having only three legs. After a few days we settled into a routine. I was elated that things were working out. Even my husband had quit complaining about the extra work involved.

A couple of nights later, the phone rang. It was the veterinarian's office.

"We wanted to ask you a personal question," the woman said.

"Okay," I said, not sure where this was going.

"We just wanted to know how things were working out with Fifi."

"They are working out fine," I replied. "Fifi is starting to get along well with Sh.e.l.ley."

"Why do you ask?" I wondered. "Did you find the owner?" Not really wanting to know.

"Oh, no," she said. "It's just that we had a client in today with his sick dog that pa.s.sed away. There was nothing we could do for him. It's just a strange coincidence that Fifi looked like their dog. The old man is heartbroken," she went on, "and we thought if things hadn't worked out well, maybe you would be willing to let him have Fifi."

"We could meet and talk," I offered, "and see what happens." After I hung up the phone, I wondered if she had told him that Fifi only had three legs. Not everybody would want a three legged animal.

The old man called me the next day and I promised to come home early from work to meet him. By this time, I wasn't sure I could let Fifi go. She had become a part of our family.

I arrived home and waited. A short while later a car pulled up in the driveway. I walked outside to greet the old man. As I watched him exit the car, I noticed something different that forced me to do a double take. He had a cane. He put the cane out to steady himself and then dragged his bad leg behind him, pulling himself out of the car with a great deal of effort. The man was a cripple.

How could I ever doubt G.o.d's providential hand? I was only the keeper of Fifi until her new master picked her up-someone that could understand what it was like to have three legs. Fifi's story would live on as a testimony to G.o.d becoming a man, fully human and fully G.o.d, but one who understands our hurts and weaknesses.

For we do not have a High Priest who is unable to understand and sympathize and have a shared feeling with our weaknesses and infirmities and liability to the a.s.saults of temptation, but One Who has been tempted in every respect as we are, yet without sinning (Hebrews 4:15).

As I paced the sh.o.r.eline of the Hoan Kiem Lake, I poured my heart out to G.o.d. "You know, G.o.d, how I feel. You know." I cried for at least an hour beside the lake that had become my sanctuary. Here, among the canopy of willows, soft gra.s.s, and brightly colored flowers, I could feel close to G.o.d and sense His presence.

Silently I told Him, "If You don't want me to have another child, I will go home and love the child that You so graciously gave to me. After three years of trying to adopt, I give up my dream. You are my G.o.d, You know best, I will not pursue this any further, and I won't be angry or bitter toward others or You."

A calming peace came over me as I sensed G.o.d's Spirit taking control of my raw emotions. He had shown me once again I must give Him my dreams. I must not let a root of bitterness take hold. I must forgive and let go. If I kept trying to force things to happen a certain way, He couldn't transform me or my dreams into something far bigger and better.

I would embrace the other adoptive parents and support them in their adoption journey. I would quit blaming Anne and the adoption agency for all the things that had gone wrong. I would be a more compa.s.sionate roommate to Jenni. I didn't understand at that moment, but G.o.d had a different plan for me. He wasn't finished, but I had to give up my dreams before He could give me His.

Chapter Twenty-Five.

Every good and perfect gift is from above...

James 1:17 With a heavy heart but at peace with G.o.d, I walked back to the Lillie Hotel. As I entered the lobby, I hoped to pa.s.s through unnoticed, but the lady who had helped Jenni and me with the newspaper notice the previous day called me over.

"Look," she said. "It's in paper." She handed me the Lao Dong Newspaper and pointed out our ad. I couldn't read the Vietnamese part but I recognized the name.

"Wow, that was quick, wasn't it?" I said. "Thank you."

"Do you want?" She asked, and shoved the newspaper towards me.

"Sure." I took it and put it under my arm, carrying it with me to the fifth floor. Now that I had given the ad to G.o.d, I wasn't sure how I was supposed to feel. As I unlocked the door and walked in, the phone started ringing. I didn't get many phone calls, so I immediately picked it up. It was Anne on the other end.

"Lori," she said. "We don't think this adoption is going to go through. The police have found the woman and detained her for questioning. The baby isn't even her baby. The baby was kidnapped."

I wondered if the newspaper notice had anything to do with it, but I continued to listen to the voice on the other end.

"But there is a little girl who was supposed to be adopted by another family that planned to adopt two, but at the last minute, they decided to adopt only one. She was left behind. Her medical work-up has been done and except for a few minor, correctable things, she's healthy."

She filled me in on a few other details.

"The birthmother claims her baby is two and a half but she's very small and we aren't sure how accurate that is."

I failed to see how that was a negative.

"Would you be interested?"

The timing of the phone call couldn't have made it more obvious it was from G.o.d.

"Yes, of course," I replied.

Anne continued. "We have some pictures and I will email them to you. Once you receive them, call me back and tell me what you think."

I hung up the phone in disbelief. A thousand questions came to mind. Could I take her home on the original travel date? What was left to do on her paperwork? I wondered how old she really was. How could I ever doubt that G.o.d was the one in charge? He who holds the universe together could certainly hold me in the palm of His hand.

"Thank you, Jesus, thank you," I said over and over.

I couldn't wait until she sent me the email. My hope in Anne's veracity took a turn for the better, but in reality, I was now putting my faith in G.o.d rather than in man.

As Anne promised, the pictures arrived within an hour. Van Thi Trieu, who I would rename Joylin Van, was beautiful, but I couldn't see how it was possible that she could be two and a half. She was just too small. I felt like a new mother examining her "bundle of joy," counting ten fingers, ten toes, and every little feature, looking for anything that would cause concern. She had a tiny swath of hair, a cute pug nose, a movie-star's lips, and piercing Vietnamese brown eyes. A long-sleeve, striped green shirt, diaper, and no shoes were all she wore. I tried to imagine a beautiful smile across her forlorn, sad face as she was held in her birthmother's arms. I emailed Anne back that I wanted to meet her as soon as possible.

After three days of sitting at the Lillie Hotel, any more waiting seemed unbearable. For the first time since arriving, it looked like I would get to meet my new daughter. I hurried back down to the computer room on the first floor to quickly send out emails to friends and family, asking for prayer, that G.o.d would show me if this was the child He meant for me to adopt.

It was planned that my new daughter and Luu Thi Trieu, her birthmother, would come by bus to the Lillie Hotel the following day. Jenni had decided it would be helpful to get her own room to allow us more privacy. It was now a matter of waiting till "Joy" arrived. I pa.s.sed the time by making the room more baby friendly, moving breakables up high, and putting anything away that little fingers might want to grab. I went shopping and purchased a few toys to add to the collection of blocks and books I had brought from home.

That evening, Jenni and I returned to the Ristorante Roman where we had eaten with such heavy hearts three nights earlier. "Maybe our newspaper ad really did the trick," Jenni commented, as I scooped up spaghetti and meatb.a.l.l.s and she dove into some kind of unidentifiable Vietnamese cuisine.

Today as I pen these words, I wonder if that's truer than I could have imagined (see Bits and Pieces at the end of the book for elaboration). Spiritually, though, I credited G.o.d with defeating the powers of darkness and giving me peace even before I knew about Joy. As Psalms 118:9 says, "It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in princes."

Thursday, December 9, arrived at last. Although the birthmother's village, Than xa, Vo Nhai, was only a couple of hours north of Hanoi, located in the Thai Nguyen Province, to make the bus connections and get to Hanoi was a full day's travel.

It was late evening and dark outside as I stood in the hotel lobby peering out the window. The lights from car headlights flickered off the streets and cast nighttime shadows. I had left my hotel room and come down to the lobby early because I was so anxious and fretful. It was hard to believe I had waited almost three long years for this historic moment. Joy and her birthmother would arrive soon and I nervously paced the lobby. Jenni had offered to videotape it, and when she mercifully appeared, my rattled nerves calmed down. I had been through this once before with Manisha but it didn't make it any easier. I reflected on how hard it was for Manisha when she left her father and stayed with me the first night at the Bleu Hotel.

At last three figures could be seen in the shadows walking up the stairs. Luu, holding Joy, entered through the gla.s.s doors along with Anne's two messengers whom we had previously witnessed arguing. Luu was dressed plainly and looked uncomfortable standing in the lobby. She also appeared unfamiliar with Vietnamese customs involving adoption and was reluctant to trust the man who spoke Vietnamese. Her sole source of a.s.surance was the translator who spoke her language.

They lived in a remote area in the northern hills of Vietnam where Luu worked long hours for a pittance in a flooded rice field. Their extended family was part of the Hmong Daw ethnic group whose main population center is in China (Since returning from Vietnam I have learned that the Hmong Daw language has a written New Testament and the Old Testament is in the process of being translated. Only a very small portion of the Hmond Daw population around the world is Christian and it is considered an unreached people group according to the Joshua Project 2000).

One of the two men would translate for Luu from Hmong Daw into Vietnamese and the second messenger would translate from Vietnamese into English. I didn't know communication with the birthmother would require the translation of three languages.

It was a pregnant moment as we all stood in the lobby. None of us spoke all three languages so it was awkward to greet each other, but Joy spoke a baby language we all understood. Hers was a cry of pain. She was beautiful but her eyes were full of uncertainty and fear. She had two burn marks on the left side of her face that weren't apparent in the photographs. I was afraid to ask what the burn marks were from.

Joy was dressed in a checkered black and yellow sweater with turquoise and yellow stripes that ran horizontally. She had on bright, orange knitted pants that were too big and a yellow knit hat that covered her ears, with a little well worn bobbin on the top.

Luu's long, dark brown hair was pulled back in a hair tie, partially lying on her shoulder. She stood only about five feet tall as she held her baby, attempting a forced smile as she glanced at me with uncertainty. My heart went out to her, a poor, young, unwed mother, unable to provide for her baby. Would I be willing to trust her if our roles were reversed? Would I love enough to make that kind of sacrifice? I admired her bravery.

My eyes became glued on Joy. Even in the ragged clothes she wore, she was beautiful. She held on to Luu for protection as I reached out and stroked her leg over her pants. When she began crying I backed away. The two men came up and touched her and she cried louder. Luu stroked her head and gently moved her hand over the front of Joy's face in an attempt to rea.s.sure her. The more we tried to interact with her, the more she resisted.

Luu handed her a small round item and she clung to it like it would protect her, much like a child would caress a beloved toy or blanket. Tightly grabbing the object, she studied each of us, very aware that four sets of eyes were staring back at her.

Somehow I sensed that Joy knew this whole thing was about her. It was even more painful because we didn't know how to earn her trust. We found ourselves at a standoff. Jenni turned off the video recorder and we tried to think of a better way to separate Joy from her birthmother without causing her so much trauma.

Joy's wails revealed only a few lower teeth. She appeared more like a one year old or maybe fourteen months. I asked the translator to ask Luu her baby's age. At first she said two and a half, but she changed it to two when questioned again. It was obvious she didn't know exactly. In her village they most likely didn't keep written records of births.

After several minutes, as Joy continued crying, it became uncomfortable in the hotel lobby. Hotel guests were checking in and out and it seemed like this should be a more private affair. We decided to go up to my hotel room and give Joy and her birthmother a little more time.

It was previously arranged that Luu would leave Joy with me that night but she didn't realize that. She thought she would have her until the ceremony. The date for the Giving and Receiving wasn't set, but it was certain to be more than a week away. We needed more time to discuss things and upstairs we could relax and not feel pressured to make a quick transfer.

Joy continued to be fretful as Luu made several attempts to breast feed her. With the two men translating back and forth between the three languages, we tried to come to a consensus. It didn't look like I would get Joy that night, but I wasn't willing to wait until the ceremony. After much discussion, Luu agreed to let me have Joy the next day in a quick exchange. She would simply hand Joy to me and leave. We felt like Luu's presence and hold on her was making it harder for everybody.

I had yet to hold her, but I could tell her skin was in poor condition. It was apparent she needed some ointment for open sores on her arms that she kept picking at. The first thing I wanted to do was take her to the doctor, have her dewormed, and get some ointment and Band-Aids to cover the wounds.

I was ready to be her new mother, longing to make her life better. Now if I could just wipe away those tears and make her "joyful," but to use an old cliche, that would be easier said than done.

Chapter Twenty-Six.