22.

The following day we flew back to Sydney. After a night of deep sleep I'd woken with a general sense of suspended reality, as if I hadn't quite surfaced from an intense dream. This feeling continued as the little plane rose up into the bright air above the island and banked to the south-west, giving me one last panoramic view. I could make out the white threads of surf along the line of the reef, the shadow of a cloud pa.s.sing over one of the Admiralty Islands, a tiny boat lying off Neds Beach. And then, as we climbed higher, I caught sight of b.a.l.l.s Pyramid away to the south, stark and solitary. Had we really stood on top of that, Anna and I, just a couple of days before?

I glanced at her sitting beside me, reading an article in the in-flight magazine about adventure holidays in Tibet, and I smiled to myself, feeling a glow of affection for her. I imagined her going back to the Walter Murchison Memorial Nursing Home, readjusting to the grubby realities of ordinary life, and I suddenly realised how much I would miss her constant presence when we got back. She closed the magazine with a sigh, and dug a book out of her pack-a murder mystery, naturally.

The surge of people at Sydney airport roused me from my dreamy state like a slap in the face. We fought our way through the crowds to the entrance to the rail station and caught a train into Central. Anna had a twenty-minute wait for a connection to Blacktown, and I bought us coffees and sat with her, reluctant to leave. I guessed that she was feeling something similar. She'd said hardly a word that morning and now she stared at her hands, still raw and swollen from the climbing, and shook her head.

'It's hard to believe,' she murmured.

'Yes, like a dream.'

She looked at me with a frown. 'We haven't talked about what we're going to do now, Josh.'

A strident voice chanted something incomprehensible over the loudspeakers and the people at the next table jumped to their feet and hurried away.

'No, we haven't, have we?' I think we had both been doing our best to avoid it. Perhaps we hoped that a return to the reality of our home turf would put what we'd learned into some kind of perspective, so that we could separate fact from fantasy.

'Damien is going to have to be confronted,' I said.

'I suppose so.' Anna sounded as tired as I felt. 'Do you think he'll deny everything?'

'Luce's climbing gear is still out there on b.a.l.l.s Pyramid. The police would find it if they tried to check our story.'

Her frown became deeper, wrinkling those black eyebrows together. 'It would destroy his career if we made public what Bob told us, wouldn't it?'

'Very likely he'd go to jail. Marcus too. Maybe Bob. It'd be a big scandal.'

We sat in silence, then I said, 'I can talk to him on my own if you like. He might say more if there aren't any other witnesses around.'

She looked at me, uncertain, a bit worried. 'You wouldn't ...?'

'What?' I laughed. 'Stick matches up his nails? Don't worry, I'd just talk to him.'

'Right. You'd be careful, wouldn't you?'

'Course.' I looked up at the clock. 'Your train'll be in soon.'

She finished her coffee and got to her feet, made to pick up her pack, then changed her mind and suddenly flung her arms around me. 'Thanks for everything, Josh,' she whispered.

'Hey, we made a great team, didn't we?'

She nodded and broke away. I watched her hoist her pack onto her shoulder and wave goodbye. She mouthed some final message, but it was drowned out by another announcement on the loudspeaker.

Mary broke off her baking to give me a big hug, too, Socrates circling us excitedly, tail thrashing. I was surprised by how good it felt to be back, to take in the familiar kitchen smells again, and some other deeper, more elusive scent, of old timber perhaps or ancient polish, that seemed to impregnate the whole house.

'And did you find what you were looking for, dear?'

I gave her the sanitised version I'd prepared, how we'd visited the place where Luce had had her accident, and spoken to the islanders involved, and how kind and helpful everyone had been.

'That's good,' she said, pushing her hair back from her forehead and leaving a smudge of flour. I sensed her relief. 'Now you've laid the past to rest, you can move on. I'm sure that's what Lucy would want.' I realised she must have been worrying about this.

'You're right. I've been thinking I should start looking at the job pages. I've been sponging off you for long enough.'

'Don't be silly. I'd be lost without my live-in handyman. The bulb blew in that high ceiling on the stair the other night, and I haven't been able to change it. But you're right-you should be thinking about your career. And Anna ...' she added cautiously, 'she's happy after your trip?'

'Yes,' I said casually. 'As happy as she'll ever be. I think she just needs excuses to get away from that nursing home,' and I launched into a lurid description of the place.

Mary laughed. 'Well, we'll all end up there, or somewhere like it, in the long run.'

I unpacked my bag, and found that the sole of my right climbing shoe had split. I threw the pair away, deciding that my climbing days were over, then put a load in the washing machine, and phoned Damien.

'Ah, Josh, you're back?' He sounded wary. 'How did it go?'

'Good. I need to talk to you, Damien.'

'Of course.' He didn't sound surprised. I wondered if Bob Kelso had already phoned him. 'Lauren's going out tonight with her sisters. Why don't you come round? We can talk in peace.'

I spent the afternoon catching up on my ch.o.r.es, replacing the light bulb, finishing off the bit of paving I'd been repairing on the terrace, pruning some dead branches in the lilly pilly. And I did check the employment pages in the Herald Herald. I looked at the banking and financial sections, and also contemplated a couple of academic positions, but I didn't get as far as applying. I thought I'd hold off contacting Damien's friend.

I got to his front door soon after eight. He buzzed me in and met me on the landing of the twenty-eighth floor as before, and took me into his flat.

'Drink? Scotch?'

'Thanks.' I watched him as he fixed them, thinking how amazingly well he'd done in such a short time. Surely he couldn't have been in practice much more than a year? Two at the most. Already I thought he was beginning to cultivate those little quirks that some lawyers like to affect-a flamboyant curl to the hair, a mild extravagance of dress-to make them distinctive, even a little eccentric. He had great survival qualities, I thought; ambitious, focused, intelligent and charming.

'Here.' He handed me the tumbler and sat down opposite me. 'Cheers.'

'Cheers.'

'So ... your trip.'

'Has Bob Kelso spoken to you?'

'Indeed. He told me about your little adventure. Pretty impressive, actually. He said you got to the top of b.a.l.l.s Pyramid. Amazing. You must be in better shape than I thought. Anna too.' He grinned. 'Bob phoned me as soon as he'd put you on the plane back. The poor bloke was worried. It wasn't his fault. He just got caught up in something he wished he hadn't.'

I didn't say anything, watching his face, his body language.

'He said you found a note.'

'That's right.'

'Can I see it?'

'I haven't got it here.'

'Well, what did it say?'

'I'd rather hear your side of the story, Damien.'

He looked rather pained. 'You don't have to be like that, Josh. From what Bob said you'd pretty much worked it out anyway.'

'Go on.'

'About the eggs, right? It was true. Marcus had been collecting eggs for sale to dealers for some time apparently.' He saw the look on my face. 'I know! It sounds incredible, Marcus of all people. The thing was that, brilliant scientist as he no doubt was, he was pretty hopeless at getting research money. He was arrogant, he thought the review process demeaning, and he'd managed to offend or personally insult just about every one of his peers at one time or another. As a result he wasn't very successful with his grant applications. So he decided to supplement his research money by selling eggs. The way he put it to us, his birds were helping him save their necks by making a small contribution. He insisted the numbers were small, and made no difference to the breeding populations.'

'When did he explain this to you?'

'After we agreed to be part of his team. As he described it, it didn't seem like such a big deal. Marcus was the expert, and if he said it was okay, well, we thought it must be all right. It was a matter of loyalty as much as anything else.'

'Yes.' That did sound right. They were all very loyal to Marcus, their hip priest.

'Are you telling me that Luce was in on this?'

'No. I doubt whether she would have agreed to it, but Marcus never took the chance. He thought she was very special, you know. Full of the ideals that had driven him, and she trusted him implicitly. And that was the problem. She had no idea. Marcus asked me to be her climbing partner and help her do the scientific stuff and keep her out of harm's way, while the other two did the collecting. We thought it was all a bit of a lark.'

I felt that old nauseous reflux of jealousy. He had to stay close to her, distract her, amuse her.

'Why didn't Marcus just leave her out of the team?'

'He couldn't. She was mad keen to go, she was the brightest student, the best climber. He just couldn't.'

'But she found out what was going on?'

'I think she began to get a hint of something almost as soon as they arrived on the island. It's hard to keep secrets when you're all living together-a whisper, a nudge, a conversation that stops suddenly when you walk into the room. But she couldn't be sure, not until the yachts arrived. Marcus wasn't a very good actor. He got pretty anxious as the time got closer. There were some heated phone calls. The dealer was putting pressure on him. Marcus began to get very agitated during the party at the Kelsos' for the yacht crews when he saw Luce talking to the guy. He got me to b.u.t.t in and try to get her away, but it wasn't easy. Apparently Luce had overheard him talking to Marcus about Kermadec petrel eggs, which was a bit of a giveaway, because they can only be found on b.a.l.l.s Pyramid, and our visit there was supposed to be a secret. She wanted to know what was going on, and I tried to fob her off. But I was a bit drunk and stupid, while she was sober and sharp as a needle. I don't know exactly what she imagined, but she stormed off. I'm not sure what happened after that, but the next morning she didn't say much, and watched everything we were doing like a hawk.'

'So what happened the next day?'

'Bob took us out to b.a.l.l.s Pyramid as planned, and we climbed up to Gannet Green. I was supposed to lead Luce round to the west flank, out of sight of Curtis and Owen, who were after a colony of petrels they'd spotted on the east. At first she seemed to go along with it, but then I turned to say something to her and she was gone. I scrambled back the way we'd come, and when I looked over the ridge I saw her, climbing down to where the other two were crouching among the melaleuca bushes. I called out, and they looked up and saw her. She started shouting at them ... I couldn't hear what they were saying. There were gulls wheeling and screaming all around us, and the wind was whistling in the rocks. Then Luce suddenly took off, racing up to the ridge, I don't know why. Curtis was on the radio, to Marcus I a.s.sume, and then he and Owen set off after her. I followed, but I couldn't keep up. Eventually I gave up and just waited until Curtis and Owen came back down. They said they'd lost her.'

'They didn't try to hurt her? You're sure that wasn't why she ran?'

'G.o.d, no, Josh. Nothing like that.'

We sat in silence for a while.

Disgust, I decided, was what had driven Luce off like that. Disgust with the friends who had so comprehensively deceived her; disgust with the teacher who had opened her eyes to the truth and then perverted it with his corruption and greed; disgust with her species that couldn't help destroying everything it touched, even on that lonely unspoilt place. And disgust, surely, with the lover who had left her with that little worm in her belly.

'Please,' Damien said at last, 'please don't make more of this than there is. In the final a.n.a.lysis it was a tragic accident. She stormed off, refused to come back down, and got caught by the weather on a dangerously exposed place.'

I suppose it was what I wanted to hear, the best that could be made of it.

'Of course, Curtis and Owen were stricken with guilt. That's why Owen said what he did to Anna.'

'Yes.'

'So ...' He leaned forward in his seat, watching me carefully. 'The note.'

'It was a poem, of despair,' I said. But was it really?

'What, a suicide note?'

'Not in so many words.'

'Where did you find it?'

'At the summit.'

'You're kidding! She got to the top? That's eighteen hundred feet! Well, you know-you climbed it. But there were two of you. How would you describe it?'

'Tough,' I said. 'I really don't know how she managed it.' I didn't mention that she'd abandoned her climbing gear. It had been heroic really, the climb of her life, like Lynn Hill on El Capitan.

I took a swallow of my Scotch. It burned. 'I'll speak to Marcus.'

'Please don't,' Damien said quickly. 'Marcus is a mess right now. You've seen him, haven't you? He can't tell you anything more. It was a tragic accident It was a tragic accident, and everyone involved has paid dearly for it.'

Sitting in that beautiful apartment overlooking Circular Quay, sipping a ten-year-old malt, I felt that wasn't quite the way for Damien to put it. He saw the mistake register on my face and quickly added, 'Think of Curtis and Owen's families, for G.o.d's sake. Do you really want to brand those two as murderers? They were your friends.'

'I know.'

He leaned even closer across the gap towards me, as if wanting to physically bridge the rift between us. 'I do appreciate you coming here to talk about this, Josh, and letting me explain. We were mates once; I hope we still can be. I know you're a level-headed bloke. But it's worried me, having Anna involved. She's inclined to be a bit hysterical, when it comes to this subject. Did she tell you she went for me at the inquest? After one of the sessions, when Curtis said I wasn't at the scene when the accident happened, she flew at me, said I should have been there. She was a very disturbed young woman, believe me.'

'Why did you tell them you weren't there?'

He spread his hands. 'I panicked, basically. Just couldn't face the prospect of having to give an eyewitness account.' But it didn't sound like panic to me, more like risk management.

'Josh,' he said, 'please calm her down. She's got to get over this. I could get ten years for smuggling native wildlife and misleading the coroner, you know. Ten years Ten years.'

23.

I returned to Potts Point feeling the need to unwind before going back to the hotel, and stopped at the pub around the corner. I felt exhausted after all that had happened recently, capped by that talk with Damien. Thinking about it, I remembered the feeling I'd had when I met him at Curtis and Owen's funeral, as if I'd been worked over by a pro. Basically he'd fed back to me a more acceptable version of the scenario I had put to Bob on the boat. He'd confirmed what I'd suspected, but little else. The only time he'd seemed at all hesitant was when talking about Luce's note. Perhaps I could have made more of that, but I wasn't quite sure how. I had a couple of schooners of New and began to feel a little better. Between the thump of the music from upstairs and the footy commentary on the big TV, it occurred to me that I should try to trace the source of that verse of Luce's. It certainly wasn't what I'd have been tempted to write as my parting shot to a cruel world.

I couldn't get any results for the first line on Google, so the next day I went out to the university library to see if I could track it down. It took me a couple of hours, but I found it eventually, a pa.s.sage from the surviving fragments of a poem by an ancient Greek philosopher by the name of Empedocles, called On Nature On Nature, which made a kind of sense, although I couldn't remember Luce ever showing an interest in the cla.s.sics. But Empedocles would certainly have interested her. Apparently he was the first to propose a detailed explanation of the origins of species, and of the mechanisms by which a couple form an embryo. He was also a radical pacifist and vegetarian, believing that animal slaughter was murder, meat-eating the equivalent of cannibalism, and animal sacrifice a blasphemy. It was he who originated the idea that the world was made up of four elements-earth, water, air and fire. He suggested that two opposing forces operated on these elements: one, which he called philia philia, or love, to bind them together, and the other, neikos neikos, or strife, to break them apart. So the pa.s.sage Luce quoted was really about the basic physics of the world: For with earth do we see earth, with water water, with air bright air, with fire consuming fire, with Love do we see Love, Strife with dread Strife.

But Luce had altered the last line, changing Strife Strife to to Death Death. Was that a mistake, or deliberate?

Empedocles was a mystic, too, with lots of ideas about the transmigration of souls and the cycle of reincarnation through various natural forms, and the more I read, the more I was reminded of Marcus Fenn's ramblings about Steiner. I also remembered him quoting Greek sources in that video of him at Oslo, and I thought he must have put Luce onto this.