2. At parties and social gatherings, I do not attempt to do or say things that others will like.

3. I can only argue for ideas which I already believe in.

4. I can make impromptu speeches even on topics about which I have almost no information.

5. I guess I put on a show to impress or entertain others.

6. I would probably make a good actor.

7. In a group of people I am rarely the centre of attention.

8. In different situations and with different people, I often act like a very different person.

9. I am not particularly good at making other people like me.

10. I'm not always the person I appear to be.

11. I would not change my opinions (or the way I do things) in order to please someone or win their favor.

12. I have considered being an entertainer.

13. I have never been good at games like charades or improvisational acting.

14. I have trouble changing my behavior to suit different people and different situations.

15. At a party I let others keep the jokes and stories going.

16. I feel a bit awkward in a company and do not show up quite as well as I should.

17. I can look anyone in the eye and tell a lie with a straight face (if for a the right end).

18. I may deceive people by being friendly when I really dislike them.

There are 9 statements which are true of high self-monitors and 9 statements which are true of low self-monitors. Thus, if you indicated T for Q 46, 8, 10, 12, 1718 and F for Q 13, 7, 9, 11, 1316, you are a very high-monitoring individual. You are likely to be extremely socially aware and sensitive to nuanced body language.

On contrary, if you marked T for Q 13, 7, 9, 11, 1316 and F for Q 46, 8, 10, 12, 1718, you are a true low self-monitor. You do not pay much attention to either your own or others nonverbal behaviors in social interactions.

A medium score would comprise from a mixture of agreeing and disagreeing with both high and low self-monitor items. An average score would represent a person who is adept at reading some social clues and exhibit a degree of control over their own nonverbal behavior, but does not take too much notice of body language in their social life.

There is a skill in being a sender and a skill in being a receiver of nonverbal communication. Those who are interested in, and skilled at, people-watching need to know certain facts to understand how and why people behave as they do towards one another: * Who the people are and what is their relationship their position, status, relationship, social cla.s.s, education.

* The physical and social setting for the behavior the social rules and expectations governing that setting.

* The real and hidden purpose of the interaction why the people are meeting.

* The frequency, duration and etiquette a.s.sociated with the communication.

Communication occurs in a particular setting for a particular purpose, though the latter may not always be clear to the communicators. Skilled observers notice small things that, together with verbal content, enrich the understanding of what is really going on. That is why NVC pundits are asked to watch politicians so closely; and why politicians take advice from other experts on how best to deliver their message. This is of particular interest when famous people are under duress or have been accused of lying.

COMMUNICATING ATt.i.tUDES.

We also communicate interpersonal att.i.tudes through body language. There are clear signals for friendliness and hostility. Watching two people talk, even without hearing the content of their speech, it is possible to understand who is or at least feels dominant, and who is, or feels, submissive. For example, liking, and affiliation, is sent as a message by: * A higher incidence of body contact such as touching or stroking; * Closer proximity in standing or sitting; * An orientation to each other that is often side-by-side; * More mutual gazes or smiling; * A posture with more leaning forward, more open arms and legs; and * A softer, quieter tone of voice.

Equally, human hostility signals look remarkably like those of animals with harsher voices, more frowning, more teeth-showing and a tense posture.

There is evidence off all sorts of s.e.x differences, but these are also related to particular personality types and particular cultures. Thus, compared to men, it seems that women adopt a more open-arm, openleg posture to males they like and to those of higher status. Males, compared to females, show more evidence of vigilance in relation to physical threat more direct orientation, more eye gaze and a much less relaxed posture. In general, people with psychotic disorders are very poor readers of body language, while neurotic people are particularly good, being highly sensitive to signals of rejection. Overall, women seem more sensitive than men, particularly where the latter are in technical professions. Most often we disclose our emotions by using displacement activities behaviors designed to cope with anxiety, aggression or boredom. People waiting for an interview may go through excessive preening/grooming (brushing clothes, checking jewelry), and eating, drinking or smoking without needing to, as well as demonstrating recognizable behaviors such as foot-tapping, fiddling with objects and pretending to read (flicking through magazines or newspapers without really taking anything in).

Crowding at concerts or cinemas, in elevators and on trains or buses results in unavoidable intrusion into other people's intimate zones, and reactions to this invasion are interesting to observe. There is a list of unwritten rules that people in Western cultures follow rigidly when faced with a crowded situation such as a packed lift or public transport. These rules include the following: * You are not permitted to speak to anyone, including a person you know.

* You must avoid eye contact with others at all times.

* You are to maintain a "poker face" no emotion must be displayed.

* If you have a book or newspaper, you must appear to be deeply engrossed in it.

* In elevators, you are compelled to watch the floor numbers above your head.

We often hear words like "miserable", "unhappy" and "despondent" used to describe people who travel to work in the rush hour on public transport. These labels are used because of the blank, expressionless look on the faces of travellers, but they are misjudgments on the part of the observer. What the observer sees, in fact, is a group of people adhering to the rules that apply to the unavoidable invasion of their intimate zones in the crowded public s.p.a.ce.

Source: Pease (1990), p. 22.

Some nonverbal signs in everyday conversation are shown in Table 4.2.

Our ability to attribute other people's states and att.i.tudes relies on reading the body language. A surprised person looks so because their initial body expression has changed to a "new look". The effect quickly pa.s.ses and the nonverbal behavior typical to the person resumes.

Att.i.tudes (like/dislike; approve/disapprove) are judgments we make about things, objects, people and so on. These are not stable, but rely on immediately available information, most of which is provided via the nonverbal system of communication. That is why judgments or att.i.tudes can be, and constantly are, altered.

TABLE 4.2 Nonverbal signs in everyday conversation.

INTUITION.

To describe somebody as perceptive, intuitive and insightful may refer to his or her being particularly nonverbally literate. Some professionals have to be good at reading bodily cues so that they can understand their clients better. Psychologists and GPs, waiters and comedians, afterdinner speakers and lawyers gain a great deal if they are able to understand the motives, reactions and emotional states of their "clients".

A central question remains as to whether both the giving and receiving of messages via nonverbal behavior is innate or culturally learned and transmitted. Certainly, we know, for example, through studying facial expressions of blind people or the touch behavior of those from different continents, that nonverbal behavior has biologically adaptive origins but also cultural modifications. Smiling, shaking the head for "no" and the shoulder-shrug are pretty well, but not totally, universal. But others are learnt. And they are learnt as a part of growing up. Witness the child, the adolescent and the adult telling a lie. As adults, most of us have learnt to be less obvious and more sophisticated in our nonverbal behavior when we lie. This makes us, and indeed everybody else, more difficult to read. Yet it remains difficult to sustain for long either the faking or repression of emotions that have been manifested nonverbally.

Yet we all know that much nonverbal behavior is governed by rules. Indeed, an old saying that one person's freedom ends where the other person's freedom begins ill.u.s.trate this idea quite clearly. Disconcerting behavior such as shouting, quarrelling, or exaggerated manner of speech or gesture has always been frowned upon, or indeed prohibited, since it disregards the rule of common courtesy. Thus, Debrett the most authoritative etiquette guide notes that even in most public of experiences members of civilized societies are asked to show respect towards other people's privacy.

Some nonverbal behavior is nothing more than rule-following. But what one can tell intuitively from seeing "good manners" nonverbally is that people know the rules and are prepared to conform to them. Not following the rules could mean either ignorance of, or antagonism towards, social etiquette.

It has been suggested that women are more intuitive than men, that they are better readers of nonverbal signals, and as a consequence, are more skillful senders of body cues. This may well be true. It may be a function of biological differences the need for women in childcare to be very sensitive to the signals of their pre-verbal children. Or it may be because the structure of society means that women are often less powerful than men. Inevitably, subordinates are more attentive to the moods, needs and whims of their superiors than vice versa. This interpretation may help to account for women's increased sensitivity to nonverbal cues often referred to as intuition.

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE AND READING THE SIGNALS.

Since the mid-1990s, the idea that EQ or Emotional Intelligence Quotient is more important in business than IQ or Intelligence Quotient has been taking hold. EQ is defined as inter- and intrapersonal intelligence. It has been argued that it consists of three categories of adaptive abilities, all of which are related to sending and reading nonverbal signals. They are the expression of emotion; the regulation of emotion in oneself and others; and the utilization of emotion in solving problems. Different writers on the topic have emphasized slightly different things, but all stress the importance of the perception, appraisal and expression of emotion; and understanding, a.n.a.lyzing and emphasizing emotional knowledge. You cannot be emotionally intelligent without being highly literate in body language.

In short, EQ is about emotional literacy, and emotional literacy is about reading the cues of nonverbal communication. However, it should be pointed out that it includes the ability to send, receive and regulate cues. Many neurotic people are very sensitive to the moods and feelings of others. Often they can partly disguise their own feelings, but not usually for long, as they find it difficult to regulate their own moods. The high-EQ person is more resilient and psychologically robust that most people cla.s.sed as neurotic. He or she knows how to find and sustain positive emotions and tends to be optimistic, with a strong ego.

But high-EQ people know when to speak or indeed to listen to others about personal problems, when to share emotions with others, how to present a good impression of themselves, and how to complement and charm others. In the chapter "Managing with Heart" in his book Emotional Intelligence, Goleman (1996) argued that teamwork, open lines of communication, cooperation, listening and speaking one's mind are characteristics of emotional intelligence (EI), and are essential at work.

In business, empathy and compa.s.sion are in, and the manipulative, jungle-fighter boss is out. Leadership and being a good manager is about being attuned to the feelings of the people managers have to deal with (up, sideways and down). There are many applications of EI, including being able to see grievances as helpful critiques, which is using feedback effectively; creating an atmosphere in which diversity is valued rather than a source of friction; and networking effectively.

But would you prefer the CEO of your company to have a high EQ or a high IQ? Do you want a cold but clever boss, who understands the business, keeps his or her eye firmly on the bottom line, reads the market signals, but is little clumsy, shy and gauche? Or would you prefer the perceptive, empathic, socially adept boss, equally able to charm customers, employees and the media? Naturally it is desirable to have both, but what are the consequences of being all head with no heart, or vice versa?

The former, high-IQ person, may be respected but not particular liked, whereas the latter is often greatly loved but not respected for his or her business ac.u.men. It is not common to find a boss with both high IQ and high EQ. Perhaps the best solution is to have a good mix of IQ and EQ on the board but could they get on with each other? One does suspect that the bright board members might despise the warm, sensitive ones, who in turn might be offended by what they would perceive as intellectual arrogance.

But the good news is that whereas IQ cannot be learnt, EQ can. You can learn various intellectual tricks, but it really is not likely that you will be able to raise your (adult) IQ much. On the other hand, it is relatively easy to acquire EQ skills through "social skills", "interpersonal skills", "a.s.sertiveness", "counselling" and "communication skills" courses. Much of this training is about being observant about one's own nonverbal behavior and that of others. It is about sensitivity and flexibility in reading a wide range of emotions, both verbally and nonverbally.

YOUR PERSONALITY IS SHOWING.

Can one understand another person's personality from his or her body language? Nearly all personality theorists agree that two of the absolute fundamental dimensions of human personality are extroversion and neuroticism. These are the basis for the famous Galen system: phlegmatic (low E, low N); choleric (high E, high N); sanguine (high E, low N); melancholic (low E, high N). Both extroversion and neuroticism can be reasonably accurately inferred from a close reading of body language. Extroverts tend to be active, sociable, impulsive, expressive, irresponsible risk-takers not p.r.o.ne to reflection, while neuroticism is characterized by low self-esteem, unhappiness, anxiety, obsessiveness, guilt and hypochondria.

Extroversion.

We all know extroverts are loud, outgoing and talkative. But few understand the "mechanism" behind the trait. In short, extroverts are "stimulus-hungry", under-aroused, in need of excitement.

Typical extroverts are sociable, have many friends, need to have people to talk to. They crave excitement, take chances, often stick their necks out, act on the spur of the moment, and are generally impulsive individuals. They are fond of practical jokes, always have a ready answer, and generally like changes. They tend to be carefree, easygoing, optimistic and like to "laugh and be merry". They prefer to keep moving and doing things, tend to be aggressive and lose their temper quickly.

Typical introverts are quiet and retiring, introspective, fond of books rather than people. They are reserved and distant except to intimate friends. They tend to plan ahead, "look before they leap" and distrust the impulse of the moment. They like a well-ordered mode of life and keep their feelings under close control. They seldom behave in an aggressive manner, and do not lose their temper easily. They are reliable, somewhat pessimistic, and place great value on ethical standards.

Extroverts trade-off accuracy for speed in their search for excitement. They are more likely to have accidents, more likely to break the law, more likely to take drugs and to smoke. The exhibitionistic thrill-seeking of the extroverts is as biologically hard-wired as the peace-seeking of the introverts, who are quite content with a book, a chess game or a stroll in the countryside. Physiologically over-aroused, the introvert is as stressed by more stimulation as the extrovert is pleased by it.

Hence the extrovert sees the introvert as being boring, inadequate and secretive, while the introvert sees the extrovert as attentionseeking, shallow and noisy. The two extremes choose different environments in which to do differently preferred jobs with colleagues of their own type. Ambiverts, to use the correct term for those in the middle of the spectrum, tend to get on fairly well with both types as long as they are not too extreme.

TABLE 4.3 Possible speech variations according to personality traits Extreme extroverts are fairly easy to detect nonverbally. They move and talk faster than normal, tend to fidget more and are more p.r.o.ne to boredom. Extroverts look and touch more than introverts, prefer more dramatic clothes, gesticulate more dramatically and show a wider range of facial expressions. But it is the area of language that introversion extroversion can be clearly detected. Extroverts will talk faster than introverts, have fewer unfilled pauses in their speech and be quicker to respond in everyday speech.

It is suggested that extroverts differ from introverts on a number of speech and language dimensions: form, which refers to the degree of formality in the language used; grammar, which refers to the types of words a person chooses to use; vocabulary or lexicon, which refers to how many words are used, and how correct and how unusual they are; accent, which refers to regional and cla.s.s-related ways of p.r.o.nouncing words and phrases; speed, which refers quite obviously to the speed at which people talk; and paralanguage, which refers to dysfluencies such as "ums", "ers" and so on. What is being suggested in Table 4.3 is that, compared to extroverts, introverts generally use more formal speech with more careful grammatical constructions, perhaps a bigger vocabulary, and so on.

Neuroticism.

Emotionally unstable people those with negative effectivity are not difficult to spot. For example, they seem to have more headaches than stable people. It may be that they simply notice headaches more than stable people, or call attention to them more often. But the traits a.s.sociated with neurosis are well known: being anxious, moody, lonely, pessimistic. Such people tend to have more phobias and are more p.r.o.ne to depression. They look stressed, nervous and worried a lot of the time.

It is not difficult to spot clues to neurosis in a person, though it may be confusing if one person's emotional instability is primarily a function of anxiety, but in someone else one of depression. Consider the following: * The anxious person and the depressed person seem to adopt expressions of surprise, fear and gloom that stay with them. Actors know how to present the model of a depressed person facially the scowl, the lack of expression.

* Depressed people tend to avoid eye contact, whereas anxious people have a gaze pattern that darts about, ever on the lookout for a potential threat. Overall, those who are emotionally stable establish more mutual eye gazes for longer periods than do those who are emotionally unstable. Depressed people show a few, hesitant, nonemphatic gestures, while those who are anxious are more p.r.o.ne to self-touching, along with aimless fidgeting.

* The posture of the depressed person is easy to recognize. He or she looks limp, lacking in energy even ashamed.

It is in the area of body contact that one can see emotional instability most clearly. Neurotic people are often fearful of all contact. The obsessionality and hypochondria a.s.sociated with neurosis make people fearful of catching disease by touching. Neurotics with low selfesteem worry about how "touch-worthy" they are. The guilt factor in neurosis can a.s.sociate touching with s.e.xual advances and hence it is unlikely to occur.

Certainly, by observing people over time in a range of situations, one can get a pretty good idea of their personalities from their nonverbal behavior.

CULTURE AND BODILY COMMUNICATION.

The world has shrunk. Wherever you are right now reading this book, chances are there is already a McDonald's restaurant or a Starbucks coffee shop within walking distance or, if not, there will be one open very soon. Equally, the recent economic downturn has made international connections all too visible, with stock markets crashing one after another in a domino effect.

Despite the similarities they share, however, cultures are inherently diverse. Different historical events, geographical conditions and available resources have shaped the cultural psyche and produced the most peculiar of traditions. These traditions have been adopted into the culture and resulted in some behaviors typical of the mind set. For example, German people are famous for their punctuality, and the Spanish and Latin Americans for their lack of it. The English have a reputation of being reserved, cold and unemotional, while Americans are often spoken of as being bold, open and expressive.

Cultural differences and similarities are the hot topics on the agenda. How do you interact with your international business partners? How do you bring together a multicultural team of experts, and how do you ensure their work is successful? How do you pitch a business idea to, or make a deal with, a client from an "alien" culture? What are the pitfalls and traps that cultural unawareness might instigate? Communication in business is of the utmost importance. Take finance as an example. A vital building block of the economic and monetary system is a psychological concept of trust. Credit, from the Latin, credo, literally means "I trust you". Without trust between lender and borrower, no transaction is possible. How, then, do you build trust, or more importantly, how do you communicate your trustworthiness to your international business partners?

Body language definitely has a role to play here. Given that we form opinions and make judgments in a split second that are usually not only accurate but also pervasive and hard to change, your gestures and body posture can say more about you than your not very fluent local language. However, when it comes to international etiquette, and in particular where language barriers exists, people rely on nonverbal clues much more readily. Culture is by definition a set of shared rules, practices and symbols accepted as a norm in a particular environment. Culture dictates behavior as well as motivations, goals and actions, so it is not surprising that culture also plays a huge role in the display and expression of nonverbal signs.

Is body language universal?

Since Charles Darwin's work in the nineteenth century, it has been acknowledged that some forms of bodily communication, such as smiling and crying facial gestures, are innate and universal. They are recognized and displayed around the globe. Paul Ekman (2003), the eminent researcher of the psychology and physiology of emotions, studied facial expressions exhibited by people from different cultures. He came to the conclusion that facial expressions of basic emotions are physiologically based, evolved behaviors that do not differ much across cultures. Nevertheless, he also agreed that there are "display rules" as to when, where and with whom these expressions can be shown. These display rules are internalized by children during their socialization into the culture. They are constantly reminded, encouraged, rewarded and punished in the home and at school for particular kinds of bodily communication. As the Dutch cross-cultural researcher Geert Hofstede (2005) put it, these rules become the "software of the mind".

Ekman lists six basic pan-cultural expressions corresponding to primary emotions: * Fear * Surprise * Anger * Disgust * Distress * Happiness.

However, facial expressions can easily be misread, misinterpreted or misattributed, because feelings, or cognitive awareness of emotions, can be experienced differently by different people. What is scary to one person, is only nerve-tickling to another. We interpret things with the help of pre-existent knowledge that is (i) culturally determined; (ii) subjective; and (iii) relies on imperfect memory. Hence it is paramount to know the cultural nuances and to read the signals correctly.

In business situations these rules are especially important. Stockingup on etiquette books, researching the internet or partic.i.p.ating in cultural awareness training courses is necessary homework that can bring success in your business dealings in a foreign country.

Body language versus foreign language.