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It was as if I saw a halo in sky when I got up from the swing fast and loose. With a whirled vision, my senses got me holding the swing's sidebar to keep my balance.

I immediately headed to the gate and opened it. Parked in front of our house was a black pick-up, but it wasn't my husband's. Moreover, it was also the first time I saw that car in our place.

A man came out from the driver's area. I followed him with my eyes as he hurriedly went towards the pa.s.senger's seat. He looks familiar, though, but I don't know his name. He is Allen's friend, the one who usually brings him home when he's drunk. I opened the gate wider when I saw him carrying Allen on his shoulders.

I wanted to cry tears of joy because Allen came back home, but my sweet smile turned into thrums of sorrow and pity. I can't recognize him anymore – he's as drunk as a skunk, with a number of bruises on his face.

“He's so stubborn. He won't listen. I told him to go home, so that his wounds could be treated, but he didn't want to.” The man told me as he handed Allen over to me. I immediately a.s.sisted him with one arm, because I still can't move the other one properly.

“Can you handle him? I'll leave him to you now, Vanessa. I still need to get his car.” He instructed. I just nodded, but deep inside, I felt surprised that he knew my name. Allen might have mentioned me to him. He might also be aware of the current situation of our relations.h.i.+p. I really think he knows something; he just won't talk about it.

“T-thanks…” I said. He smiled a bitter one and then left.

We headed straight inside; I was carrying my husband on my shoulders. Half of his weight was on me, so we walked towards our house crookedly. I brought him upstairs to our bedroom.

I was startled when he suddenly pushed me away. I almost fell off, but I managed to hold against the wall. Then he went to the shower room and I heard him vomiting. I went weak at the knees to what I just heard, but my stomach has to be strong because I need to look after him.

I followed him. My knees felt weaker when I saw him with hands wrapped around the toilet bowl. He disgorged nonstop – it tore me apart. I can't stand seeing him like this. He can't throw out anything anymore, but he kept on puking. I can't imagine he did this to himself!

I knelt down beside him and stroked his back, “Allen, hey. Why did you drink too much when you can't handle it?”

Then he pushed my hands away, “Why are you still here?” He asked without turning his head to look at me.

I stopped for a second, confused whether or not to answer him. Of course I'm still here. Does he really think that I will go with Zian?

He wrapped his arms around the toilet bowl again and threw up. I slowly stroked his back, "Come here, I'll wipe you clean." I insisted, but instead of giving in, he just pushed me away.

“Tsk, don't touch me! Just leave me alone!” He shouted at me, then he stood up. Once again, he almost broke down. I immediately a.s.sisted him, but he just fended my hands off. I don't know, but he seems to feel irate every time I touch him. But I'm just worried about him.

He went out the shower area and with both of his hands, he held onto the wall near his closet. He's breathing heavily, gasping for air. Even if he is facing sideways, I can see all the wounds and bruises on his face. I can't help cursing Zian inside my mind. This is all his fault! How dare he beat my husband like this!

“Why, Allen? Why didn't you fight Zian back? Why did you just let him —” I stopped when he turned his eyes on me. He looked at me fiercely, so I stood on a cold feet. I stepped backward when he came close and pulled one of my arms.

“With all the things that he said, do you think I could still fight back?! YOU THINK?!” He yelled in front of my face.

The way he delivered those words revealed how much pain was induced in his heart. I do not know what they talked about in the parking lot, or what Zian told him to stave off and just let himself be beaten off like that.

“YOU EVEN SAID YOU'LL MARRY THAT F*CKING MAN! WHY, VANESSA?!” He added.

I couldn't do anything but bow down - that one pinned on his mind.

“I… I didn't mean to say that to him Allen…” I answered.

Yes, it's true. I said those things to Zian before – if given a chance, I'd marry him instead of Allen. But G.o.d, we're just joking around back then! I was far from being serious and he knew that! He knew that we were just fooling around that time. I really don't understand why he told my husband those things as if those were all true.

“AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT? TELL ME ‘COS I CAN'T UNDERSTAND!” He yelled louder and he gripped my arm tighter. It was hurting me, but I chose to pay no heed.

“I… I was just joking, Allen. And Zian knew that.”

“JOKING?!” He said, almost laughing. “YOU ARE MAKING MARRIAGE A JOKE? …

 WHAT ELSE HUH? WHAT ELSE DID YOU TELL THAT a.s.sHLE?! YOU WERE HAVING A PROBLEM WITH ME, BUT WHY DID YOU NEED TO TELL HIM INSTEAD OF ME? YOU EVEN WANTED TO MARRY HIM? GO AHEAD! LET'S STOP THIS s.h.i.+T, VANESSA! I'M FCKING TIRED! I'M CALLING MY LAWYER!”

I was in panic to stop him from getting his cellphone on his pocket, “No, Allen! Don't! Please! Believe me, I really didn't mean to say that to him. I even slapped Zian earlier after you left. I don't know why he said that. Please, Allen!”

He pulled his hand back and furiously hurled the cellphone to the other side of the room. “OKAY, FINE! I BELIEVE YOU! BUT IT STILL HURTS, VANESSA! YOU BUILT HAPPY MOMENTS TOGETHER BEHIND MY BACK, WITHOUT ME KNOWING! SH*T!”

He pushed me backward and I screamed when he punched the wall I was leaning on so hard. I slumped down the floor in so much fright, then I covered my face as tears started falling from my eyes. I thought his fist would lay siege onto my face. I really knew he'd punch me, but he just held himself back and threw the wrench onto the wall instead. I was trembling in fear that I can no longer control my sobs.

Then, he seemed to have come back to his senses. He threw himself on the bedside and gasped for breath. I can see his shoulders shaking in anger.

“Just leave. I'm begging you…”

I stiffened to what I heard. I lifted my chin up and looked at him – his eyes were red. I'm not sure if it was because of anger or insobriety. He uttered those words in a very low voice, but I heard them so clearly. His voice shuddered and I felt his aches and pains.

He is begging for me… to leave?

“allen.”

Stop, this hurts too much.

“I SAID LEAVE! I DON'T NEED YOU! I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOUR FACE! JUST… JUST GO WITH HIM!”

It took long before what he said sank in. Why, he's not the only one that's tired out… Because I am, too – physically and mentally! I'm bearing all the hards.h.i.+ps for him, for us; to save our marriage and to save what we started. I don't want that someday, I'd have regrets because I left him, because I gave up.

But I find this so unfair! I'm doing everything that I can… What about him? I know that he's drained, exhausted, and hurt as much as I am, but bulls.h.i.+t, there should be no leaving! Why is he giving up so easily, like there's nothing left to fight for?

I sorely wiped my face dry, and then I stood up. He's just throwing this marriage overboard when he's not the only one that's sick and tired!

“WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT, ALLEN?” I snapped. “I'M HERE. I CHOSE YOU! WHY ARE YOU PUs.h.i.+NG ME TO GO WITH HIM? YOU ARE THE ONE THAT I WANT! YOU'RE GIVING ME AWAY AND THAT MEANS YOU REALLY DON'T LOVE ME! YOU DON'T CARE! I'M ENDURING ALL OF THIS! I'M TRYING TO UNDERSTAND YOU EVEN IF IT'S HURTING ME SO MUCH! I HAVE SO MANY REASONS TO LEAVE, BUT I DIDN'T! I DIDN'T, ALLEN! BUT YOU… WHY ARE YOU JUST THROWING EVERYTHING AWAY?”

He lifted his chin up, and then our eyes, both fuming in sorrow, met. “YOU PUSHED ME TO DO THIS, VAN! WHO THE f.u.c.k SAYS I WANNA GIVE UP?! SHT, I DON'T WANT TO, BUT I'M TIRED, VANESSA! I'M FCKING TIRED LIVING LIKE THIS EVERY DAY! I SHOULD'VE LEFT YOU BEFORE! AFTER WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO ME! NOW TELL ME, ARE YOU THE ONLY ONE PUTTING UP WITH THIS RELATIONs.h.i.+P? HUH?!”

He started pulling his hair off, proof that he's raging in anger. “You also gave me a reason to leave Vanessa, but where am I right now? Did I leave you? I can't understand you. Is it that hard to stay faithful to me? Maybe I wasn't able to give you what you want, but I said I'm trying! Can't you really wait?!"

“Wait?” I wanted to laugh at what he said. “Please don't talk to me about waiting, Allen, because you do not know how long I've been waiting. I wanted you since I was little! Can you blame me when all I'm wanting is a happy, perfect marriage? Yes, I'm weak. Because I got tired of waiting in vain!”

“s.h.i.+T, WHAT DID I SAY?! I SAID I'M TRYING!”

“Trying?” I repeated what he said. “I don't want you to try, Allen. I want you to do it! I want you to love me! I was once unfaithful to you, but was it my fault alone? If only I felt you trying to love me or show me that you care, you think I would cheat? I can't understand you, too! All I want is a second chance, Allen! But you're too weak to give me that! You're sick, you're such a sick man!”

He was about to knock me off when I yelled, “GO AHEAD, SLAP ME! IF YOU LAY YOUR HAND ON ME, I WILL GO AWAY WITH ZIAN!”

He stopped and I saw the sudden change of reaction on his face. He stared at me blankly while his hands were trembling. He must have been shocked to what I said.

It was the first time that I came back at him and I didn't know where the courage to say those words came from. I really didn't want to. I knew to myself that I can't leave my husband and never will I go with Zian. But it felt heavy deep inside that I couldn't control the words that came out of my mouth. I was startled to what I said, too.

I didn't wait for him to say anything anymore, because I know that he'd hurt me again. I ran towards the bedroom door as I wiped away the tears on my face. But before I could even hold the doork.n.o.b, Allen pulled me on my arm and turned me around to face him.

My eyes bulged when he held my face between both of his hands and kissed me – he kissed me aggressively, as if my lips would be wiped out. I tried to pull away, but he was holding me tight. I could taste alcohol and I could feel the wound on the side of his lips.

I slightly pushed him away on the chest when I felt his lips moving, but he just shoved my hands off and put them around his neck. His kisses deepened, and then he pushed me against the wall. I groaned when my left shoulder slumped against it. He's losing control of himself again!

He stopped kissing me to take his polo s.h.i.+rt off, then he unbuckled his belt. After which, he took mine off, forcibly removing my white b.u.t.ton-down dress. Its b.u.t.tons hurled all over the floor. He pulled me on the waist and started licking my neck, then trailed kisses down my cleavage. I shut my eyes off and cried as I let him do what he wanted. Just after a while, he might have overindulged, so he stopped kissing my b.r.e.a.s.t.s. He pulled away and stared at me in my underwear.

I felt unsure why he avoided my gaze and closed his eyes.

“I can't believe he saw this, too. I can't believe he touched you.”

He wobbly sat on the edge of the bed, grasping his hair in so much frustration. “I respected you and your body, Vanessa. Bulls.h.i.+t, if only I knew…”

I lost my face to extreme embarra.s.sment. I tried to cover my whole body with both of my hands. Dirty - that's how I felt of myself after what he said. I'm dirty because there's two of them who have had a taste of my body. I couldn't help it, I cried. That hit me to the bones, hard. I thought I have already moved on from making out with another man, but it's haunting me back, and it's more painful now.

I picked up my dress on the floor, wore it, and then left the room. I ran towards the shower room downstairs and cried my heart out. It hurts, what he said hurts deep down.

So that's how he sees me now – a s.l.u.t. That explains why he screws me like I'm not his wife. I want to curse over and over again! I can't take this anymore! I blew up inside shower room until I got tired and slumped down the cold floor. And then I cried… I cried like there's no tomorrow.

I didn't notice that I fell into a nap, but I think I have already cooled down. And now, everything that I argued with Allen a while ago seems to sink in. s.h.i.+t, speaking of Allen… How long have I been here in the CR? He might have left me already! He might have left the house! No, please, no! I was down and out earlier. I shouldn't have told him that I'll go with Zian.

I went out the shower room and hurriedly climbed upstairs to our bedroom. I opened the door and laid eyes to my husband who was dozed off on the bed. I sighed in relief. I really thought he already left me, but it turns out that he's just asleep. He must have been both exhausted and wasted. I walked towards him and sat beside him. I stared at his face and I can't help but take pity on him – he looks so fragile. I can see that he has lots of cuts at bruises on his face and there's a deep wound on the side of his lips.

Aside from that, I also looked through his eyes which seemed to be wet in tears. I shut my eyes hard and sighed. How could I leave this man if I know that he couldn't handle himself alone? Who will watch after him when I'm gone? He doesn't know how to take care of himself. He will drink whenever he wants to and he doesn't care about the aftermath. He looks like a man, but he acts like a boy. Tsk, I could only shake my head.

I went outside the room to get a towel and some warm water. When I got back, he was still laying down in the same position, he didn't move even a little. I can even hear his light snore. Then I put the basin down the side table. I was about to go out of the room again as I forgot to bring our first aid kit when…

"Van…"

I stopped and turned around to look at Allen. I thought he has woken up after he called my name, so I went near him and peeked at his face, only to find out that he's still asleep. I noticed that he was frowning. He must be dreaming that is why he's calling me, too. I wonder what he's dreaming about.

He murmured my name again, so I sat on the bed beside him, “Sshhh… I'm here Allen…”  I whispered as I brushed my fingers through his hair. His forehead wrinkled even more. A bitter smile drew on my lips - can he hear me?

“Vanessa…"

“Hmm?” I responded, even if I know that he's just sleep talking.

“Van, please don't go.”

I can't help it, I grinned like a Ches.h.i.+re cat.

Those words were like a music to my ears, even if those came out of his mouth unconsciously. It felt like I'm in seventh heaven. It's like all the pain and sadness vanished. How I wish he'd tell me that again when he's awake and sane.

I kissed him on the forehead and laid down beside him. I embraced him as I rested my head down on his chest.

No. I won't go, Allen. I will be just right here… with you.

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