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I don't know how long I've been staring at myself in the mirror inside the shower room.

I'm still wearing the necklace my husband gave me. In fact, when I woke up earlier, it was the first thing I checked. I wanted to make sure I wasn't dreaming, that everything which happened yesterday was real.

I thought I wouldn't be able to sleep the whole night as everything that happened felt surreal. But no, I was wrong. I fell asleep without even knowing.  What can I do? Allen drained the energy out of me, then my body went completely exhausted.

That man is really a beast on bed. We did it so many times last night that I can't even remember. He won't let go of me. I kept on telling him I'm tired and I wanna go to rest, but he just can't get enough of me. And it beats me, but my body kinda turned against me. I wanted it, too! I don't know, but when he starts doing it, I also can't seem to stop.

I took off my underwear and turned the shower on. I felt a little pain as channels of cold water ran in between my thighs, as if it was burning fire. It was so much painful! I don't know if I got stung, but I feel sore down there. It was Allen's fault, he literally nearly slammed himself on me. We almost broke the bed, too.

Pain lashed on my hips and my legs felt weak. I'm not sure if I can stand to sleep with him tonight. I definitely can't tell him I'll be sleeping in another room, because for sure, his mood will change and he will be out of control again.

Though, he isn't much like his old self anymore. He rarely yells and gets angry and he can already control his temper, too. It makes me wonder, though. It feels unusual -yes, I guess that's the right term.

Well, he's different now. He's way, way different. And until this very moment, my mind can't seem to believe and absorb everything that happened yesterday. It seems far from reality. Even until this morning, I still don't know if it was just a dream. I'm thinking that because of my eager desire to work out our marriage, I might have exchanged dreams from reality already.

My fingers stroked on my necklace again.

Yesterday was the best birthday I ever had. I can't deny the fact that my husband made me really, really happy and that I won't ever forget everything that he did for me last night. I never thought that this moment would ever come - that I'd feel his warm embrace again and again, that I'd hear him say 'please' while we're doing THAT, and that I'd see him smile to his ears while greeting me, "Happy birthday, Vanessa!"

I raised my head and let the water pour freely on my face down to my body. G.o.d, it's as if I'm in cloud nine every time I remember everything that happened. I didn't know that it's true – that it's possible to fall for someone deeper, even if he hurts you over and over again.

I wailed when the door of the shower room suddenly opened. Allen came in, then. It turns out I haven't locked the door.

"I- I'm almost finished." I said bluffly. "Just wait for me outside."

But it seems like he didn't hear me.

He took off his boxers – which were the only thing he was wearing – and then walked closer towards me like a model on a fas.h.i.+on show's walkway.

I rolled my eyes on him furtively. I was here first, and there he goes, hijacking the shower room. I couldn't do anything but sigh. I don't know why he's taking a bath here as there is another shower room downstairs.

It's not that I don't want to take a bath with him. I'm actually used to it as he always does that. I'm just worried that he might do something to me again. I haven't even recovered yet. Okay, I've decided. I will be the one transferring to the other shower room, so I can use a private time to myself well.

I reached on to my towel hanging on one side and I was about to go out when Allen blocked the doorway.

"Where do you think you're going?" He boldly asked.

"Uhm… I'm done." And I lied again.

"No, you're not, Vanessa." I frowned on the words that he said. And then he added shortly, "You're going to take a bath again."

W-What?! I couldn't even say a word as he already pulled me to the shower at that instant. I couldn't see him clearly as the waters get into my eyes.

I thought we were only taking a bath, but it seems like I was wrong. He pulled me closer to him. I put my hands on his chest, just so our skin wouldn't touch, but he moved them around his neck instead. Then, he pulled my waist closer to him. s.h.i.+t! Now I feel his throbbing manhood on my core! I gasped. G.o.d, what's this! Why do I feel like my body's turning against me again?! Really, Vanessa? This fast?

He clenched my jaw with his left hand, while the other pulled my wet hair up. I opt to bite my lip when he kissed me from the ears, down to my neck, and then to my collarbone.

"Oh, G.o.d. Allen… No, stop please…" d.a.m.n, how could I tell him to stop when I know for a fact that I want it, too.

He raised his head and aimed to kiss my lips. I tried to avoid him by moving my face. I also couldn't breathe as the waters continuously gushed through my face. But then, he just held my face in between his hands, which only meant that I couldn't escape him.

His kisses became wilder… And hotter. It felt like I'll fall down to my knees anytime.

It looks like he noticed that, because he slowly pushed me backward until I already felt the cold wall behind me. Then, I had the chance to see him better. His eyes were filled with so much desire! G.o.d, what's happening with him? Isn't he tired? He's been afire since last night.

His hands crawled all over my body until he reached my soft spot. I wailed a soft groan when he expertly slid a finger inside me. I pulled onto his hair hard. d.a.m.n it!  That was a jiffy! I do not know how I should feel. I'm kinda confused. I'm in pain as I'm still sore, but I couldn't make him stop.

He shoved off the wet hair that b.u.t.t on my cheeks and pushed it back my ear. Then, I just felt his warm breath on the side of my face saying, "Do you want me inside you, Vanessa?"

Gooseb.u.mps. "Allen."

"Yes or no?"

I just bowed my head down and felt lost as I nodded.

"I wanna hear it, Vanessa. Say it."

I closed my eyes hard. G.o.d, Allen! Why are you doing this to me?! I felt ashamed admitting that I wanted it, can't he understand that?

He then slid another finger. My hips swayed and moved forward to the sensational tingle he gave me! I can't take this anymore! “Y-yes Allen, please. I want you!”

“Say it again.”

“I want you. Inside me. Please!”

Then I saw his lips form a grin.

I woke up starving.

I remember I haven't had breakfast yet and I also had just a spoonful for dinner last night. I was already getting out of bed, but I fell back. I can't get up. I just can't. I laid on my side and hugged my knees. I almost cried to the pain I feel in between my thighs. I'm sure this time I already got stung.

The door of the room suddenly opened. Someone climbed up the bed and then I felt the hands of my husband caressing my arms. "Vannie, where does it hurt?"

From being shut, my eyes grew big in shock.

Did I hear it right? Was he asking me where it hurts? In almost two years of being married, he asked if everything's fine just now.

I closed my eyes in awe and a smile drew on my lips. I just shook my head to answer his question.

He moved his hands off me and laid beside me. I didn't hear any word from him nor did I feel him moving. I slightly moved my head to see what he's doing. He's just staring blankly at the ceiling. He seemed to be lost in deep thoughts.

I moved the blanket that covered me, turned around to face him, and embraced him. I even hugged him with my leg putting it over his waist, just like what I always did when he's asleep and unconscious.

He didn't remove my arms from him, so I embraced him tighter. This is my chance. It seems like he wouldn't reject me this time.

I put my face on his chest. I breathed in the musky scent of his favorite shower gel. My fingertips then played on his upper body. I traced the curve of his firm chest, sliding down the mounds of his smooth abs.

“Vanessa…”

I stopped and raised my head to look at him. He was still looking at the ceiling.

"Hmm?"

He looked at me once, but turned to a different direction right away. It took long before my mind processed what he just asked. "Are you scared of me?"

I was shocked by his question. He asked me calmly, but it felt like there were too many thoughts running around his head. I couldn't give him an answer. I do not know how. I have to pick the right words so that it won't get him mad. I bowed down again and laid my head back to his chest.

“Van, answer me.”

I closed my eyes hard before I nodded. "I mean, who wouldn't? You transform into a monster when you're drunk, most especially when you're yelling and hurting me."

I can clearly hear and feel his sigh as my head laid down to his chest. Then, I felt his fingertips brus.h.i.+ng my hair. It feels good. It's as if I'm safe and that he wouldn't hurt me.

I hugged him even tighter, but in just a few, he loosened my embrace. "Not too tight, Vanessa. I can't breathe."

Such a grumpy head! I moved my hands off him and turned around.

Just shortly after, I felt his embrace from behind. I really like it when he hugs me like this. I feel loved, though it feels unusual, too. I'm really not used to him being sweet. But that doesn't mean I don't like it. Of course, I do! I've waited for this day to come for so long. But, I want to clear things up, though – this feeling might not be mutual.

I stroked his arm which was around my waist before I turned around to look at him.

Now that we are already facing each other, I already have the chance to look at him in the eyes. I thought he would look at me straight in the eyes, too, but no. As usual, he turned his eyes to look elsewhere. I don't know why he can't look at me straight. He's always been like that.

I cleared my throat, “Allen. Are we okay already?”

My question wasn't straightforward, but I think he understood what I meant. He withdrew from our embrace and stared at the ceiling once again.

As for me, I moved the sheets and slightly got up just to look at him. I was having second thoughts on stroking his hair, but in the end, I still did. I want to calm him. I started all this, and I know that bringing up the past would most likely get him mad.

“Why did you do that?” He asked.

I was dumbfounded. I looked at him and his eyes are still locked on the ceiling.

I know what he exactly meant by his question, but I couldn't give him an answer right away. I have to pick the right words, because I know that a wrong choice of word will surely ruin his day.

I was stunned when he looked at me. His eyes were burning with demand. That's a warning – it means I have to answer him quick. I laid down once again and buried myself in him. I could hear his heart beat fast. He seemed anxious!

"Because I lost hope with our relations.h.i.+p before." I said. "I don't wanna be sad and pathetic and I don't wanna hate myself my whole life. You have to understand me, Allen. I just want you. Your time, your attention, your love. But it felt like you couldn't give me that."

"Was that why you looked for another man?"

"No. I didn't look for another man. He just came and he gave me what I wanted."

Foul words sprung out of his mouth. It was just a m.u.f.fle, but I felt it. It hit me hard. I stroked his chest with my hand to calm him. I don't want to ruin his mood. We need to talk; we need to understand each other.

“Tell me, Vanessa. Did I bore you that much?”

I shook my head. “No. I just felt hopeless with you, that there wouldn't be a chance that you'd fall for me. I've been waiting for you for so long and you know that. I've been stalking you since I was in high school. There's no words for the blithe I felt when I got to marry you. Even if I know that you didn't want it, I kept the faith.” I buried my face into his chest even deeper. “But I got tired, Allen. You were so cold. I don't know, but I just seemed to lose it. I just wanted to feel loved.”

He moved his head. Even if I can't see it, I can feel that he turned his eyes on me. “And why Zian? What's with that a.s.shole?”

I gulped before I answered. “Because he cared. He understood how I felt and he took care of me. And somehow, I feel loved.”

Then, I noticed that his hands were trembling in anger. I held his hands to calm him down.

“How many times did he do you?”

I was startled by his question that I looked up at him instantly. His eyes were shut tight, like he was suppressing his temper.

I bowed my head down, “Please Allen, don't ask."

He pulled my hair, causing my head to move and look at him. I felt scared when I saw that his eyes were fuming anger. “I want to know. Answer me.”

I shut my eyes hard so that I wouldn't see how he would react to my response.

“Just once.”

He must already know that, but he still got mad.

Suddenly, he got up and sat on the edge of the bed. I can hear him cursing, uttering bad words, and taking out all his anger on himself.

I got up to comfort him, but he suddenly stood up.

He reached on to the box of cigarettes and the lighter on top of the dresser and stamped his feet towards the balcony. I held on to my face. I made him mad again. I shouldn't have answered his question. I should've just shut my mouth.

I tried to get up from bed even if I can still feel the pain down there. I reached for my silk robe just hanging outside the closet, wore it, and followed him on the balcony. I sat beside him while he was smoking and watched the heaving waves of the sea.

The sky was gloomy, as if rain will pour anytime soon.

“Sorry." I muttered.

I glanced at him because he didn't answer. He didn't even look at me. He was just busy and caught up by smoking. And then I asked him, "Can't you really forgive me?”

And that caught his attention. He turned his eyes on me. His face looked so serious. He threw the cigarette he was holding outside and suddenly embraced me with one arm. I was completely surprised. I was forced to lean on his chest.

“Do you really think I cannot?” I felt hope in his words.

“You don't know the amount of ego I had to swallow just to forgive you.” He said. “It wasn't easy for me, Vanessa. It was so difficult, but I tried. Because I realized…

…I can't bear to see you with another man.”

He pulled the strand of my hair back my ear and then I felt his lips on my earlobe. “n.o.body can have you. I want you only for me, Vanessa. You understand?"

I brushed his hair with my fingers and looked at him straight. And I don't know why I'd still pose a big smile, knowing that what he said was a very selfish thing. It just feels so good that he's claiming me, that he wants me all to himself. After all, this is what I want. This is what I've been longing for - to be under his 'possession'.

I noticed that his eyes were on my lips. I know that he's up to something again. I know him very well that I know what his actions mean. I closed my eyes in complete surrender. I suddenly felt his warm, soft lips pressed on mine. And then again, I felt my knees getting weak.

He tugged my neck with one hand, while the other tweaked my bosom. He pushed me, then pinned me against the full gla.s.s sliding door. I even b.u.mped my head. Ouch! Then, he trailed kisses - aggressive kisses - down my neck that my nails almost ingrained on his back.

His kisses became harder. He even planted love bites and he pushed me harder against the door. Slowly, Allen! Have you forgotten that this is a gla.s.s door? It might break!

“Wait, Allen…” I pushed him away slightly. He inched away and gave me a frustrated look, as if I left him hanging, unsatisfied again. “What?” He asked in an irate manner.

I looked down biting my lower lip. “Does this mean we're okay? Are you giving me another chance?”

Then I raised my head as I didn't hear his answer. He was just looking down at me. I caressed his cheeks and gave him a smile, a bittersweet smile. “Please, Allen… Let's start all over again. Give me back your trust.”

And then for the first time, he looked at me straight into my eyes. “Only if you promise me you'll avoid that moron. Stay away from him, okay? I don't want you having any affair with him.”

Even if he didn't give me a direct answer, I felt relieved and happy. I smiled at him sweetly and nodded full of hope, “Yes, Allen. I promise.”

He embraced me tight and I hugged him back. He is so warm, so I hugged him tighter. Thank you, Allen. It felt like after I gambled to uncertainty for so long, at last it was a win! I wanted to cry happy tears!

This is the best birthday gift I ever received – the gift of forgiveness – and I'll treasure it.

I know it was really hard for him to forgive me for my mistake, but still, he did. All of my pain and endurance were worth it. I'm glad that I didn't give up on him.

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