He still loved them.

Always would.

Clearing his throat, begging himself not to break down in front of Lucy, he went on. "My younger brother Silas offered to drive us back, so he got into the driver's seat. By the time we took off, I was passed out, my hand in Leary's. But when I woke up, I was in the hospital and they explained to me that I was the only one who survived a crash with a semi."

Lucy's hands dropped his, covering her mouth as her eyes filled with tears. He had to look away again, swallowing hard. "Leary and Silas died on impact, they were hit first. But Ava wasn't so lucky. A piece of glass slashed her throat and she bled out slowly, and I did nothing. I was passed out drunk, and I still hate that I couldn't save her. That I was so fucked up, I couldn't be there for my wife. Once again."

Shaking his head, the tears threatened to fall as his jaw clenched and he was unable to look at Lucy. "I buried my brother on a Tuesday, my wife and my daughter on a Wednesday. All closed caskets because they were all so fucked up, and all I had was a stupid fucking broken arm."

"Benji, oh my goodness, Benji," she cried, her voice full of sorrow as she crawled into his lap, wrapping her arms around his neck.

He wasn't done, though. Tightening his arms around her, he pressed his head into her shoulder as his own shoulders started to shake, and he whispered in a tear-filled voice, "I lived, while they didn't. My family, her family, all hate me. I haven't really talked to them since the day of the funeral. I was alone, empty inside. So it's easy to say I went off the deep end." As he sucked in a breath, those months of hopeless bewilderment flashed through his mind. "I drank until I couldn't drink anymore. I got into fights. I fucked anything with tits. I was a poor excuse for a person. And one night, after a nasty fight in a bar, they threw me out the back, my face hitting the curb. God, it sucked. I rolled over, and when I sat up and I looked around, I saw this mirror. The person looking back at me, I didn't even know. I was disgusting. I didn't even remember the last time I'd showered. I wanted to die. There was even a piece of glass lying there, and I almost just ended it, I did. But then she was there, in the mirror. Ava. She was disgusted-who could blame her? She just shook her head, saying this wasn't the man she loved, and she was right. I wasn't that fresh-faced teenager; that kid was gone. All that was left was shit."

Swallowing hard, he closed his eyes. "I promised her I would change, and she said, I've heard that before. But this time was different. Somehow I got up, I went to the closest church, and I prayed. I prayed so fucking hard, it hurt. I asked for forgiveness, not only from the Lord, but from Ava, Leary, and Silas. When I opened my eyes, I knew what I had to do. I took a cab to the nearest rehab center and I checked myself in."

Pulling back, she looked at him, tears streaming down her face as he spoke the words that choked him on the way out. "Never touched another drink another day in my life. Never wanted it. Never wanted to disrespect their names, since I had already taken their lives."

"You didn't take their lives, Benji. It wasn't your fault," she tried, but he shook his head. He had heard that plenty of times.

"If I hadn't been drunk, I could have driven my family home. My seventeen-year-old brother wouldn't have had to drive on the interstate where he wasn't comfortable. It's my fault they are dead and I've coped with it, but I turned into a hermit because I blame myself so bad. I always knew that someone would come along and wake me up, make me happy again. And I don't want to scare you, Lucy, I don't, but I believe that person is you." Her eyes widened and, shit, why did he say that? Before he knew what he was doing, he was stammering out words. "Wow, okay, sorry. I just got carried away there. Please-"

"Don't apologize," she demanded, holding his face. "But you listen to me right now."

He met her gaze. Her eyes were full of tears, her mouth parted, her nose red from her crying.

For him.

For Ava and Leary.

"First, please tell me that you like me for me and not because Angie and I remind you of Leary and Ava." Her eyes were wild, and fear settled deep in his chest as he quickly shook his head, his eyes widening.

"God, no, not at all. It's been twelve years since I lost them. I promise, I was attracted to you for you. I saw you first. I saw your eyes, Lucy. It was you, not you guys as a package-that's just a bonus. I promise. I can't replace what I lost, I know that, but I want to be happy. I want to love my life."

"Then you can't fucking blame yourself, Benji," she said, her hands tightening on his face. "This fucking sucks, and I hate that you have suffered this kind of loss. I do. It hurts my soul. No one should have to go through that, but, Benji, it is not your fault. Yes, you were a drunk, you fucked up, but you did not kill them. Yeah, shoulda-coulda-woulda, but you have to stop blaming yourself or you will never move on. Believe me, I know. Totally different situation, but you can't blame yourself."

He swallowed thickly. "I know, but it's hard."

"And I don't doubt that. I can't imagine. But you will never be happy until you are at peace with what happened."

"I'm happy with you," he whispered, holding her gaze, and her face contorted in pain.

"But are you using me to mask that pain?"

His brows came together, his lips twisting in confusion. "No, not at all. I blame myself," he said, and her eyes pleaded with his, needing to know that he wasn't bullshitting her. "But I've coped. I accepted that I can't change what happened. I understand that it was out of my control. I still believe I should have done something different, but I want to move on. I want to be happy. I'm so tired of being lonely and sad. I've been trying to find someone, but no one has stuck, Lucy. Then you came along. And you make me feel things I've never felt in my whole adult life."

Her eyes searched his, and she bit into her lip before nodding slowly. "I just worry that we'll get too far into this, and then you won't be able to feel what you need to feel for me."

He knew what she was saying and he understood, but what she didn't know was that he was already falling in love with her. He couldn't tell her that, she wasn't ready, but he had to reassure her that he was good.

"Losing them, my family, sucked. No other words can adequately describe it. Being alone, dating people and not clicking with them, blows. If finding you had happened a year or two ago, I could completely understand your worry, and you are completely right to have it. But Lucy, I've known you for two weeks, and in these two weeks, I've never been so damn happy in my life. I get excited to wake up, to talk to you, I love helping Angie on the ice, and seeing you does things to my heart. So please don't worry about me not being into this. Us. I am so into us."

Her lip wobbled and she closed her eyes. Opening them again, she held his gaze as she sucked in a deep breath. Then, with all the strength in the world, she said, "I don't trust people. Ever. The grown men I loved, trusted, needed, depended on, both fucked me over. Badly. And I haven't recovered from it. Then you came along... And I trust you, Benji. So I'm going to say, okay, I'm going to believe you and I'm gonna trust that you have my best interests in mind. But I swear to God, you fuck me, you break my heart, I will skin you alive."

He couldn't help it, he grinned as he leaned his forehead to hers. "I don't make promises lightly, Lucy, not since Ava, as you can understand. But I promise I will not hurt you. I promised your brother that, and I have no problem promising the same to you."

Her lip wobbled again. "You did?"

"I did."

Wrapping her arms around him, she hugged him tightly and his eyes drifted shut. Holding her as she straddled his lap, he kissed her temple and then her cheek as she clung to him.

"I'm sorry about your family," she whispered, her lips moving against his jaw.

Swallowing hard, he kissed her cheek once more. "Thank you."

They clung to each other. He was holding her for support, for love, and he hoped she was doing the same. She didn't say anything for a long time, almost until the water started to chill a bit, and then she whispered, "I feel good about this. That we talked about all this."

And his heart just blew up in his chest. "Me too, Lucy. Me too."

As he held her, her heart pounding into his, he was pretty sure he had just fallen in love with her.

Lucy was running on coffee.

Only coffee.

Because she hadn't walked into Jayden's house until eight in the morning, four minutes before Angie woke up. And, of course, there was no time for a nap. Nope, Angie was up, ready to go, already fully dressed in her equipment before Lucy even sat down on her bed.

No rest for the wicked, she guessed. And last night, she was wicked.

Oh, the things she did with Benji... Great freaking sex, never-ending orgasms, and tub sex. God, she loved tub sex. While Lucy wanted just an hour-one hour of sleep, that's all-she didn't regret one thing about going to Benji's. Not the run-in with the cops, not the endless amounts of orgasms, and definitely not when he opened up to her. No, last night was amazing, perfect even, and she still felt it way deep in her soul.

One thing was for sure, she would never forget the look of pure loss on Benji's face. Or how his body shook with sobs as he talked about his wife and daughter. It was hard to hear, and it gutted her as if she had lost two people she had loved. But at the same time, it was beautiful. He loved them-hell, she was sure he still loved them-and he felt horrible for his mistakes. She appreciated his honesty and the fact he wanted to move on. She felt like he trusted her, cared enough about her to share that side of him. He might never know how much that meant to her. How much he touched her heart last night.

And one day, well into the future, she hoped he could love her and Angie like he did his wife and daughter.

The thought scared the living bejesus out of her, of course. She hadn't had that hope in her heart since Rick, but it was true. For so long, she couldn't trust men, minus her brothers. Rick ruined her, and then her dad broke her heart-the two men she had loved and looked to for guidance. For the last four years, she had been doing it on her own, navigating life, and then she met him.

Benji.

When he said he would fight her for her, the walls around her heart crumbled, and it just felt right. He felt right. So damn right. No one had ever said that to her, and he was saying it. After only knowing her two weeks. Shit, it was all going so damn fast, and she almost felt like she was getting whiplash. Was it too good to be true? Could this really be happening? And really, why couldn't she have met him sooner? Or maybe this was good timing because they were both ready?

She was ready.

Right?

Yes.

But fuck, above all, what was he going to say when he had to really deal with Rick? Learn of his betrayal and be able to do nothing about it, because Benji couldn't take him out. No, that would be bad. But she felt in her heart that he would try. It scared her to the core. She wasn't sure what the future held, but today... She just hoped today went okay.

For Angie.

"Mommy, were you working last night?" Lucy looked up in the rearview mirror, her little hockey player looking back at her. Helmet and stick were both in place as Angie held her gaze, and panic filled Lucy's gut. "I woke up and you weren't in bed. But Jayden walked in, like, right as I woke up and asked me if I was okay. I said yeah, and then I went back to sleep."

"Um, yes," Lucy replied and felt like the lowest scum on earth. She had just lied. To her baby. Because she was out doing her coach. Why did she keep thinking things like that?

"You work all the time. When do you sleep?"

Lucy smiled; she hadn't really cared about sleep last night. But now...now, she was realizing she was way too old for such late nights. "I get it in. I'm just trying to get everything taken care of."

"So we aren't homeless."

"Angela Lynn."

"Oops, sorry. You know what I mean."

"Yes, and yes," she answered before clearing her throat. "But hey, good news, I have a new office."

"Woo-hoo!" Angie said, throwing her hands up and doing a little shimmy in her booster seat. "Is it nice?"

"Yeah, um..." She paused. She didn't have to say her next sentence, but she wanted to. "It's actually in Coach Benji's backyard."

"No way! Can I go hang out with him when I'm not in school?"

Lucy smiled. "I don't know. We'll see."

"He's so freaking cool. It's so nice he is letting you use it."

"I'm renting," she said, more for herself than her daughter, who had no clue what she was talking about.

"Still, he's so cool. You should marry him," she said, so offhandedly and annoyingly carefree.

But Lucy, she gasped. "What?"

Angie giggled. "You're so silly, Mommy. You sound like you saw a ghost."

She sounded like that because this was crazy talk. "Because you're crazy! Marry?" she laughed, her stomach going nuts. "Please, Benji wouldn't want to marry me."

"Why? You're so pretty," Angie said simply. "And he always stares at you."

"No, he doesn't."

"Yes, he does!" She laughed, smacking her thigh. "I'm gonna ask him."

"You better not," she warned, and Angie was full out laughing like they were in comedy hour.

"Ha! Mommy has a crush."

"Angela Lynn! What in the world? How do you know what a crush is?"

"I'm seven, Mom, not a baby."

"You are a baby, thank you," she said, breathless, pulling into the parking lot. "And I do not have a crush."

"Yes, you do."

"Angela! No, I do not," she said, by this point giggling as she parked. Why was she giggling? Stopping, she glared back at her daughter. "And if you say one word to Benji about that nonsense, I'll ground you."

Angie only snickered as she threw the door open and got out. Lucy, on the other hand, was shaking her head. Kid was going to give her gray hair before she was thirty. She swore it. She grabbed Angie's bag out of the back, and Angie met her by the trunk and bounced on her heels.

Wait. Did she say that because she wanted Lucy to get married? Crap. Looking over at Angie as she shut the trunk, Lucy found herself asking, "Do you think Mommy needs to be married?"

Angie shrugged. "Daddy is married to Heidi. And I don't know, I think it would make you happy."

Lucy bit into her lip. "But you're happy, right, baby?"

"Duh, I have the best mom in the world!" she gushed, giving her a half hug. "I just want you to be happy."

"I am."

"I know, but I think you need someone to talk to who isn't a kid, who loves you like I do."

"You are way past your years, Angela," she said, squeezing her baby to her side. "Plus, I have my mom, Jude, Jayden, and Jace."

Angie gave her a deadpan look as they walked up to the rink. "But they are busy with the people they love. You need someone to love."

"I love you!"

"Mom, come on. You know what I mean," she said, rolling her eyes. Lucy did, she just hated that her daughter thought this. What did she do wrong? Was she really that pathetic all the time? "There's Grandma and River!"

Running off like they hadn't just had a very eye-opening conversation, Angie jumped into River's arms, him throwing her up in the air before hugging her tightly. Smiling, Lucy made her way to them, catching the very end of River giving Angie a pep talk.

"Play deep, and when you get a chance, shoot. These girls don't even know what's in store for them! You know you're the best, so play it. Okay?"

"It's the peewees, River, not the NHL," Lucy sang and he grinned.

Angie giggled happily as Lucy's mom beamed. "Are you ready, sweetheart? I'm nervous for you."

"Mom," Lucy complained and she shrugged.

"What? You know how I am. My baby, come here. Let me hug you."

Angie went willingly as Lucy and River chuckled at how silly she could be. She was a mother hen, and her babies were just that, her babies. Hugging her grandma, Angie looked back at Lucy. "Mom, is Dad coming?"

Lucy swallowed hard, pulling her phone out of her pocket. "I told him the time. But it's still early, honey. I'll text and ask, okay?"

She looked dejected as she turned to Autumn. "You have your iPad, right? Uncle Jace and Jude want to watch the game."

Autumn patted her purse. "Done, River is gonna set it up."