"He says he did."

"He says he did. Weren't you aware of it?"

"Not really," I admitted. "But it hardly matters. Where was that invitation to the Harpers' late supper? I believe I feel like going after all."

Notes from the Journal of Victor Leonard Seth Re: Mrs. C.

January 20, 1885 Today was my second appointment with Mrs. C. I had thought I would start with the electrotherapy to win her confidence, but then I noticed a p.r.o.nounced languor in her eyes of a kind I have rarely seen, so I determined to try hypnosis first.

Mrs. C. responded immediately, with a deep level of unconsciousness that I have never encountered. I was able to produce rigid catalepsy by raising her arm and instructing her to keep it raised. a.n.a.lgesia was produced as well-she was completely insensate to a pinp.r.i.c.k on the tenderest spot of her forearm. When I told her to rise and walk, she continued until she nearly plunged out the window, and was riveted to a stop when I suggested it. I then told her that she was thirsty, and that I was handing her a gla.s.s of water, which she should drink. The water, the gla.s.s, all was imaginary, yet she took it from me and drank with gusto until I informed her that she was drinking urine, at which point she gagged and threw the gla.s.s from her, spitting and wiping at her mouth. I told her the sensation of having drunk urine was completely gone, and she then relaxed.

I then tried another simple illusion, telling her she was going for a walk through the woods on a lovely spring day, pointing out the things she saw along the way: a rock, a tree, a pretty bird. She responded to each item with obvious plea-sure and interest.

I suggested to her that she would remain calm and happy over the next few days, that the memory of the walk would stay with her and relax her whenever she felt the urge to give in to hysterical fits. I also suggested that she would have more confidence in her doctor, and that when she returned home, she would feel refreshed and energized. I then proceeded to create hypnotic zones: A touch on the underside of her right wrist will send her into a deep hypnotic state, a touch on her shoulder will awaken her.

Mrs. C. woke with complete amnesia, which I have seen only twice. She did not even realize there had been any pa.s.sage of time. I informed her that she had been "asleep" for nearly an hour. She was incredulous.

In an attempt to bolster my suggestion regarding her confidence in me, I then treated her with electrotherapy-general faradization at the common areas of s.e.xual neurasthenia: upper and lower spine, inner thighs, v.a.g.i.n.a, and c.l.i.toris, which seemed to have good effect.

She has agreed to return twice a week for treatment, which I think necessary to fully effect a cure in as little time as possible. Given the extent of her suggestibility, I think it will not be long before Mrs. C. has no more need of me, for which I am profoundly grateful-although I am uncertain why, given that there will simply be another to take her place. Another invalid, another bored society matron, another reason for my peers to disparage me because they refuse to understand or believe that there is room for hypnosis in the treatment of illness and disease. How long must I bear their criticism and their ignorant fear? What must I do to gain their respect? Such a thing cannot be found in treating upper-cla.s.s neurasthenics, I am afraid. My peers can only feel the same contempt for my patients that I do. To convince them that the mind itself can cure, that the unconscious can be trained to direct the will-they do not believe that at Salpetriere, Charcot himself is creating hysterics through suggestion! They are afraid to believe such a thing is even possible! And if they do not believe that such a thing is possible in those who suffer from true madness, how then will they come to believe my own experiments, performed as they are on those who suffer from self-indulgent invalidism?

They will not-that is the only answer. Yet I cannot help but persist in believing that someday I will find a way to convince them all.

Chapter 6.

That night was as peaceful a one as I could remember. William and I went to a late supper at the Harpers', and though I knew William was watching me carefully, I felt none of my usual strain. It was as if I'd slept deeply for hours; my mind was clear, and I laughed and ate as I had not for . . . oh, as I never had. Even Elizabeth Sykes remarked on it, saying I seemed especially gay; had I had good news?

I thought I would not need my cordial that night, but when we arrived home well after midnight, I was more tired than I'd thought, and my good mood had inspired William in ways I had not counted on. He came to my room just as I was undressing, and when he left, I felt an overwhelming desire for my nightly dose.

I had the strangest dream. I was in Dr. Seth's office, and he was sitting in that bright red chair, watching as I walked across the room. The window beyond me was bright but hazy, and I was walking toward it. Walking and walking, as if I could somehow climb up into it and be lifted to the heavens, such a beautiful light. How much I wanted to be within it, I could not wait to be within it . . . when came the doctor's voice, a steady, sonorous "Stop, Lucy," though I had never given him leave to call me by my first name. Then the light faded to merely the thin, crisp sun of a January day, lapsing into late afternoon. I jerked to a stop at the sill, my hands against the gla.s.s, as sad as I had ever been.

When I woke, my cheeks were wet with tears.

I had grown used to odd dreams since I'd started taking the morphia, so I did not give this one any more thought. When Moira brought my morning coffee, she asked what I would wear to the Carrs' supper that evening, and the thought of that made me truly forget the dream and its sadness.

I had not remembered that William had accepted the invitation to Berry Carr's blue supper, though I should have. My friends had been talking about it for weeks, the plans, the orchestra she'd hired, the entertainment she'd planned-with several of the season's young debutantes playing out the drama of Tennyson's The Charge of the Light Brigade, all in the most elaborate costumes-and canvasback brought in at wretched prices for two hundred guests.

It was just the kind of event that usually sent my nerves jangling. I was surprised at my own calm when I said, "The black and blue Worth, Moira."

The Carrs lived on Fifth Avenue, near the site of our soon- to-be home, in their own plush chateau of pale limestone complete with all the worst accoutrements: elaborate dormers, bal.u.s.trades, gaudy ornamentation. But for all Robert Carr's horrible architectural taste, Berry Carr had a genius for flamboyant interior decoration.

We arrived near nine, joining the long line of carriages that stretched from the Carr door down Fifth Avenue. A rich, thick blue carpet had been spread from the curb to the front door, with an awning-to protect it, no doubt, from the snow that had started to fall only an hour before.

William held tight to my arm as we handed our invitations to the doorman and made our way inside. He released me reluctantly, so we could pa.s.s into separate cloakrooms. There, a maid was waiting to take my cloak and hat. I went to join the other women who were preening in front of gilded mirrors.

"My, Lucy, how lovely you look this evening." Daisy Hadden turned from her primping as I approached. "I haven't seen that gown in- What has it been? A year, at least. How brave you are to wear it tonight. I never could have accomplished it."

"It's blue," I said, trying to think of a suitable lie, when the truth was I could hardly remember that I'd worn the gown before. Papa always said I should keep a record. William would have remembered, but I'd already had on my cloak when I came downstairs, and he hadn't seen it. "I had nothing else this color."

"Such a pity there wasn't time to order a new one. Who could have known Berry would decide on blue? I would have thought gold, perhaps, after the Goelings' silver supper. . . . Well, that one is lovely."

I smiled at her. "Thank you, Daisy. I've always liked it."

"Don't worry, I'm sure Berry won't notice. She's far too busy making sure the cooks don't spoil the ices."

I bent pointedly to another mirror, patting into place a loose hair, waiting until Daisy left before I fluffed the black lace demi-sleeves and adjusted my diamond and sapphire necklace so it fell just at the point of the heart-shaped neckline. I had always liked this gown, and I wished I could recall where I had last worn it-not to some huge entertainment, I hoped.

I went out of the cloakroom to find my husband waiting impatiently. He frowned when he saw me. "Lucy, that gown-"

"I'd forgotten," I interrupted, and together we went upstairs.

The entire ballroom, which had once been wallpapered in roses, was now papered in a deep blue brocade. The drapes were deep blue velvet with silver-embroidered hems. At the far end, an orchestra played a low, quiet tune meant not for dancing but for arrivals. There were orchids everywhere, a profusion bunching from blue urns and small silver and blue vases. Near the door, a table stood piled with rows and rows of white gloves and tiny blue velvet boxes holding some kind of favor.

"This is the kind of supper we shall hold," William whispered, "when our own house is built. Can you imagine it?"

I pulled away from him. "I see Millicent," I told him, and he let me go.

My friend stood not far away, talking to Major Grunnel. An orchid tickled her ear from the vase on the table behind her; she was wearing blue and fuchsia and sparkling diamond eardrops. I didn't know I had been anxious until she looked up with a smile and I felt something inside me loosen and ease.

"Lucy!" she said, and then her eyes widened when she saw my gown. "Oh, you look wonderful."

"Indeed you do, Mrs. Carelton," said the major with a slight bow. "In fine form, I should say."

"Thank you," I said.

We talked of the usual things, the beauty of Berry's room, the inspired choice of blue, the sweetness of the orchids. Then the gray old major walked away, limping slightly-a wound from some war-and Millicent and I were left alone.

"You must tell me," I said, "where did I wear this gown before? Do you think Berry will be furious?"

"A year ago, at least," Millicent said. "At some supper-I can hardly remember, Lucy, and Berry certainly will not. She was in London then. Don't you remember?"

"I don't think so."

"Yes, of course you do. There was a rumor of an affair with that old baron. They said she met him in his rooms at the Dartmouth House."

"No, I don't remember."

"Honestly, Lucy, it was the talk of the season. Robert himself went to bring her home. I can't believe you don't remember."

"Much of the last week is in a fog. Last year seems a century ago."

Millie looked at me oddly. "You seem well today."

"So everyone says."

"Did you see your new doctor?"

"Yesterday."

"And?"

"It was quite . . . interesting."

"What do you mean?"

"He is very odd. But the truth is, I do feel better today."

"And William, what does he think?"

I glanced through the crowd and found my husband easily. He stood talking to Robert Carr, who was smiling as William regaled him with some tale or another-it was one of William's talents, to engage people thoroughly. It was how he'd captured my father. How he'd captured me.

"He seems grateful," I said.

"How could he not be?" she said. "He has his wife back. No doubt he'll hold on as tightly as he can."

"Yes, no doubt," I said. I could not think of another thing to say, though Millicent began to talk of something else, and I didn't think she noticed.

By the time we went in to supper, I was exhausted from smiling and trying to concentrate on conversation. It was late-one-thirty-before we were called again to the ballroom. The young debutantes came out wrapped in gold tissue, with huge, elaborate winged breastplates made of gilded papier-mache, their hair fashioned into elaborate helmets. They gathered, posing as they sang in unison: Half a league, half a league, Half a league onward, All in the valley of Death Rode the six hundred.

"Forward, the Light Brigade!

"Charge for the guns!" he said: Into the valley of Death Rode the six hundred.

"It's inspired," whispered someone to my right.

William touched my shoulder. "You look pale, Lucy."

Cannon to right of them Cannon to left of them . . .

The gold of the breastplates was flickering. I recognized Antoinette Baldwin among the girls. She had a lovely voice, very dramatic, and she struck a pose as if she'd been born for the stage.

It was such a pity, how that voice would go to waste. She would have her debut this year or the next, then marry, and that voice would be used for pointless gossip over tea, polite conversation, chastising children. The thought made me horribly sad. I could not lose the sense of my own life unfolding before me, so much the same, and my breath caught. I was suddenly desperate for a place to sit down. William's arm was hard behind me, holding me in place. Not a fit. Not now. I closed my eyes, forcing a breath, and a vision came into my head then, a pretty forest. I smelled the damp earth. I heard the song of a bird-a little wren. I was walking.

But the forest was strange. There was a falseness about it, as if it were a set staged for me alone, a memory told to me that I had grasped hold of and made my own, though it was not mine.

While horse and hero fell, They that had fought so well Came thro' the jaws of Death Back from the mouth of h.e.l.l- I didn't know where the vision had come from. There was an insistency about it: The images commanded me to be comforted, to be soothed. It was disconcerting; my head pounded. I had to find a place to sit down, to think-these were not my thoughts, not my memory.

I turned from William's arm and escaped the ballroom, past the table of gloves and gifts, down the stairs into the foyer, where a servant clad in black looked at me questioningly, saying, "Madam?" as I went to wrench open the door and rush into the cold night air.

But William was behind me. "What are you doing, Lucy?" He grabbed my arm, pulling me back again, slamming shut the door I had just begun to open. "What are you doing?" This time a hiss, an anxious look about, a rea.s.suring smile for the servant. Then William grasped my wrist and backed me against the wall, leaning close enough that anyone watching might mistake it for a lovers' tryst. "Everyone noticed-what were you thinking?"

"No one noticed," I said. "No one at all. They were watching the six hundred-"

"Until you ran out of there."

"I cannot stay." I grabbed his arm with my free hand. "Please, William, take me home, or I swear I will go by myself."

"You'll do no such thing." His face was angry, intent. "You'll go back in there and dance with me."

"Oh, I can't. I can't." I could not bring my voice above a whisper; I felt the hot beginning of tears. "Please, William."

"I cannot go now. Robert Carr is unhappy with Stevenson. He wants a new broker."

"Please, William, if you love me, you'll send me home."

He paused. His grip eased.

"You can stay if you like," I plunged on. "Say I was taken ill."

"I don't understand," he said, and I saw the confusion in his face and was sorry for him in a way I could not communicate. "You seemed so much better. Last night . . ." He shook his head, and then he let go of me sadly and turned to the servant, who was trying hard not to watch. "Fetch my wife her wrap and summon our carriage," he said. He put his arm around my shoulders, drawing me back as the servant nodded and hurried out the door.

"When do you see Seth again?" William asked in a low voice.

"Tomorrow."

The servant returned with my cloak. Within moments, my husband was escorting me from the hall into the blessedly cold night air. He opened the carriage door for me and bundled me inside, saying, "I'll make your excuses," in a forlorn and familiar way. Then he closed the door, and I watched as he turned and hurried back up the stairs as if I was already forgotten.

Chapter 7.

I'm not feeling well," I told Dr. Seth the moment I entered his office. "Last night we were at supper, and I began to feel ill. I had the strangest thoughts."

Seth rose from his chair, frowning. "Mrs. Carelton, you're trembling."

I was fumbling with my gloves, which I could not get off. "Yes, I . . . I've been like this since last night."

"Please, sit down."

"It's so odd, really. I was feeling better. Much better, and then I began to have these visions. It was like a nightmare, really."

"Please, sit down," he said again. He motioned toward the big red chair.

"A nightmare," I repeated. My bag was slipping out from beneath my arm. My right glove simply would not come off. I shook my hand in frustration. "Oh, this . . . this-"