Poor Robin's master had gotten a custom that the man did not at all like, which was, that after he had tippled all day, sometimes till ten or eleven o'clock at night, he would then come home and fall asleep in a chair, during which time his man must not go to bed, but wait until his master awakened. Poor Robin to break him of this evil custom, one night when his master came home soundly fuddled, and falling asleep in his chair as usual; so he made a great fire, and then drew his master's legs so near thereto, that his toes touched some of the coals; which being done, he sits him down in the other corner to observe the sequel. He had not sat long till his master's shoes began to fry, whereupon he suddenly awakes, and jumps about as if he had been mad. The man all the while counterfeits himself asleep, and seemed not to awake for a good s.p.a.ce.

At last, seeming much to pity his master's misfortune, they went to bed.

But never after that would his master sit up to sleep in his chair.

CHAPTER III.

_How Poor Robin served a rich Miser._

In the same town lived a rich miser who had wealth enough to have been treasurer of the town, and wisdom answerable to a beadle of a parish.

This man, fuller of faith than good works, would neither feast the poor nor relieve their wants, nor hold brotherly unity with any. Poor Robin being resolved to put a trick upon him, it being then Christmas, made it fit for his purpose; and so counterfeiting himself to be the gentleman's man, about ten or eleven o'clock at night, just when people were in bed, he calls at sundry men's doors, inviting them the next day to his master's (naming the gentleman's name) to dinner. Whereupon the next day appeared the number of two and twenty in their roast-meat apparel; but, contrary to their expectations, finding small preparations towards a dinner, they began to wonder wherefore he had invited them; the gentleman as much wondered wherefore they came. At last the truth was cleared on both sides, some laughed, and some frowned; and so they all departed home.

CHAPTER IV.

_How Robin Married and set up for Himself._

Poor Robin having served out his apprenticeship would needs set up for himself, and thereupon hires a house and shop; yet thinking it inconvenient for him to live alone, and that two heads were better than one, he resolved to do as many others did, marry in haste though he should repent at leisure. But his fortune was better than his deserts, for though she was but a homely woman, with whom he joined in matrimony, yet she was provident to live in the world, and for his own part he stood not much on beauty, but had rather have a fat purse than a fair wife, seeing there was great profit in the one, and less danger of being made a cuckold by the other. Never did a couple more lovingly agree together than did this pair at first, insomuch that duck and lamb were the ordinary terms he bestowed upon her; whereupon a wit of the town hearing this loving language betwixt them, made this epigram to be read by any that can understand it.

Poor Robin thinks his wife excels most dames, And calls her duck and lamb, with such kind names, A duck's a bird, a lamb's a beast we know, Poor Robin's wife's a foul beast then I trow.

CHAPTER V.

_How Poor Robin served one of his Companions a Slovenous Trick._

Poor Robin having set up for himself (as you have heard), he would oftentimes travel abroad in the country to get acquaintance amongst the gentry. It happened one time, being belated homeward, and his brain intoxicated with the juice of Bacchus, that he took up his quarters in a country ale-house, where notwithstanding he had gotten a l.u.s.ty jug before, yet fell he to drinking of beer and cider, as if his belly was bottomless; at last growing sleepy he went to bed, where it was his chance to be lodged in the same chamber where one of his acquaintances was already in bed, who as he lay down sooner than poor Robin, so the next morning was he no sooner got up providing a pot and toast ready against poor Robin arose, but a foul mischance befel poor Robin in the meantime, for the wine, beer, and cider not agreeing in his belly, he very mannerly, sir-reverence vomited on the bed. Whereupon not knowing what to do, and being loth to be discredited, a crotchet came into his crown, which he presently put in execution. He takes the dirty sheets from off his own bed, and lays them on his friend's, and then takes his and lays them on his own bed, so spreading the coverlet as if nothing was amiss, he makes himself ready and downstairs he goes. No sooner was he below but his friend arrests him at Mr. Fox's suit, and by all means would make him pay his groat for being drunk. Poor Robin excused himself as well as he could, and would be judged by the landlord whether he was fuddled or no; whilst they were wrangling about paying the groat, the maid went up into the chamber to make the beds; but finding one of them in a pitiful pickle, she came chafing down, calling the man beastly fellow and nasty knave, with other Billingsgate language, such as came first to her tongue's end. The man thought her mad, thus to scold for nothing, till at last she told him plainly he had vomited the bed.

"Nay," quoth poor Robin, "I will be judged by my landlord which of us was most fuddled last night." "Truly," said the host, "I can judge no otherwise but that he was, or he would not have played such a nasty trick." Whereupon it was judged by all the company that the man should pay his groat, and poor Robin got free.

CHAPTER VI.

_Of a sad Disaster that befel Poor Robin._

It happened on a time, during the late unhappy wars, that all the Ess.e.x Trainband were a.s.sembled at Walden, to resist the king's forces, who, in a bravado, had made their excursions as far as Huntingdon. Amongst other military weapons of destruction, they brought a drake, which they planted under poor Robin's chamber-window, to be shot off at nine o'clock at night, for a warning for all people to repair home. Poor Robin and his wife were at that time newly gone to bed; now it is to be understood, the chamber where they lay went out half over the room below, a rail of about four feet high being set up by the side to keep them from falling, close by the rail was poor Robin's bed. But whilst they were going to sleep, the drake was shot off, which poor Sarah, his wife, hearing, with the fright gave a sudden start, and threw poor Robin quite over the rail into the room below. Poor Robin was much bruised in body and half dead. At length he got up, but his courage was so cooled with the greatness of his fall that he had more need of a doctor than a sleep.

CHAPTER VII.

_How Poor Sarah was cheated of her Mutton Pie._

Poor Sarah on a time made a very great pie, into which she had put a whole loin of mutton besides other things, so that it was valued worth five or six shillings at least. This pie she sent to the common oven to bake, which, being perceived by three or four merry blades, they resolved, if they could possibly, to cheat her of the pie, which at last they brought to pa.s.s on this manner. At such time as the baker used to draw, two of them went and held poor Sarah in a tale, whilst the other sent one of her neighbour's boys to the baker's with a pail, a napkin, and money to pay for the baking. The baker mistrusting no knavery, delivered the boy the pie, which was presently carried to the next ale-house, whether inviting some more of their companions unto them, with much mirth and laughter; and because the jest should be publicly known they set the crier to work, who published the same in every corner of the town.

CHAPTER VIII.

_How Poor Robin ate Dog-stones instead of Lamb-stones._

As Poor Robin was more addicted to flesh than fish, so of all sorts of flesh he loved a dish of lamb-stones best. A merry disposed companion knowing his appet.i.te, resolved to put a trick upon him. A gentleman of the town who kept a pack of hounds, having gelt his dogs, he gets the stones, and with a few sweet breads presents them to poor Robin as a dainty dish. Poor Robin very thankful for so great kindness would not stay, but presently had them dressed, making all the haste he could, for fear any should come in to be partakers with him in his dinner. But having eaten them, and understood the truth, he fell a-spewing as if his gall would come up with it. Poor Sarah, in like manner, disgorged her stomach, so that who should have seen them, would have concluded them drunk with eating.

CHAPTER IX.

_A witty Jest that Poor Robin gave a Sergeant._

The Blue Regiment of Train-Soldiers being on a time at Walden, one of the sergeants, to show his bravery, had gotten a great blue scarf about his middle, being as much or more than the ensign had in his colours.

Poor Robin thinking him too fine to fight, would venture to put a jeer upon him, and calling him, asked if he wanted any work? "Why," said the sergeant, "what makes you ask?" "Pray your pardon," quoth poor Robin, "I was mistaken in you, I took you for a shoemaker, because you had gotten your blue ap.r.o.n before you."

CHAPTER X.

_How Poor Robin won Five Shillings by kissing his Hostess._

Poor Robin, with some other of his mates, being drinking in an ale-house, where was an exceeding tall hostess, one of them offered to lay five shillings (because Poor Robin was low) that he should not kiss her as he stood on the ground. Poor Robin accepted the challenge, and covered the money. But when he went to kiss her, his mouth would not reach higher than her ap.r.o.n string. Whereupon dropping a shilling on the ground he made her stoop to lift it, then he clasped his arms round her neck, gave her a kiss, and so won the wager.

CHAPTER XI.

_Poor Robin's sayings of Ambitious Men._

Poor Robin, being in company with some gentlemen who were talking of the ambition of some men now-a-days, that would venture the loss of their souls for the possession of a kingdom: "Yea," quoth poor Robin, "but the success of many of them is far different from King Saul's, for he seeking a.s.ses found a kingdom, and they seeking a kingdom find themselves to be a.s.ses."