THE ORIGIN OF THE FERRET.

WITH HINTS TO DARWIN.

We have stated, in the first chapter of this book, that the verb "ferret" is derived from the animal of the same name, but many _savants_, and even "plain people," as Lincoln said, have cudgeled their brains trying to trace from whence the _animal_ has derived its name.

After long and tedious delving into histories and musty tomes having even the slightest bearing on the subject, we are able herewith to enlighten these gentlemen. For this illumination they have long been waiting, we have no doubt, with the utmost anxiety and impatience. This requires us to go at length into the matter, and entails upon us the writing of the ferret's development from prehistoric times until merged into the animal of to-day, with its present shape, instincts, and habits. In the course of the essay we also prove conclusively that the animal originally comes from America. Many scientists will no doubt deem it peculiar to find us using many modern and untechnical terms in the following history, but let them rest a.s.sured that if we were to make use of our extensive scientific knowledge of the subject it would compel them to hunt up all the lexicons that had ever been compiled!

In the very good and very old days before our present reckoning, when mankind sported tails and was protected against the wind and weather by a long, hairy covering, and when both animals and man had a language of their own--in those times it was that two fair-sized buck Martens, one of the Beech and the other of the Stone species, stood on the southern point of what is now called Cape Farewell, in Greenland, longitude 30 30' east, lat.i.tude 60 2' north. They trembled violently from excitement, because they had just finished a friendly set-to of 64 rounds, lasting 3 hours 10 minutes, New York time, and which both had so far survived. The referee, an old good-natured fox, saw with his keen off-eye that there was no more fight in either of them, and p.r.o.nounced the battle a _draw_, telling them to try it again on some future day, whereupon he speedily took his departure, as he was very busy just at that time umpiring base-ball games. The contestants then shook forepaws, a custom which has survived the centuries, and after a little cold water and rest had restored them they mended their broken friendship and made solemn pledges not to try harming each other any more. They further made a bargain to set up a business firm, which meant in those days, as it does now, division of spoils. In the language of that time the Beech Marten was called _Ver_, and his partner, the Stone Marten, _Rect_, therefore the firm was called "The Ver and Rect Bill-of-Fare Improving Co." This t.i.tle explains part of their object in making the trip described in the following pages. The other agreements were to do it in perfect harmony, and at the end of their pilgrimage to stick forever by that particular diet that had suited them best. They were both very glad of their compact, because each one had formed a high opinion of the other's powers evidenced in the pummeling of one another's ribs.

Talking things over leisurely, they found themselves getting hungry, and as their stomach was and is yet the Mainspring of their actions, they resolved to start immediately on the expedition. After they had traveled 48 hours due south-east (a direction which they instinctively followed all through their wanderings) they had the good luck to stumble upon a small but very fat pig, snoring comfortably on the banks of a river, known then as the Atlantic river, but since developed into the ocean of the same name, a further account of which is given further on. Ver and Rect found the stream about the size of our present Hudson as it flows by Weehawken. The partners accordingly killed the pig without much bother, ate it, and took a short nap (for those times) of three days, and after waking they stretched themselves, hopped around, and took a drink from the river, but no sooner had they swallowed a little of the water than they commenced spitting, spluttering, and twisting their faces into all shapes, as the water was very salt and brackish. Eating the very fat pig and drinking the salt water had not agreed with Ver and Rect, and they put down the following on the tablets of their minds for future reference: "Fat pig bad feed--salt water ditto." Hence all their descendants, right up to this day, never indulge in pork or use salt at all.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

Ver, who wore spectacles, then took the reckoning, and found they had just traveled 1910 prehistoric miles, quite a distance for those days.

The firm resolved lazily to start again, and after yawning a good deal, and lying in the sun a little while longer, they still felt unpleasant fat-pig and salt-water sensations. They paddled across the Atlantic river, and by the time they had arrived on _the other side_ they had no objection to lunching again, and as fortune seemed to favor them, they spied in the distance a very big woodchuck. After an exciting chase, Ver and Rect captured him, and at first devoured him with vim. The poor Martens, however, were doomed to disappointment, for when they had bolted their prize and had taken their usual nap of three days, they woke up with great pains in their much-abused interior departments. They thought the woodchuck business over carefully and made this inward memorandum: "Woodchuck may be very good, but we prefer lead-pipe."

Four days after the feast of the woodchuck, wandering on rather discontentedly, they were suddenly delighted by a wonderful change in the climate, that had previously been harsh and cold, but was now mild and radiant. Birds were singing from beautiful trees, Nanny and Billy goats, and sheep were gamboling about cheerfully. Lions and wolves were doing a thriving business, and, just like the bulls and bears of to-day, were all living on the poor lambs. The Martens wandered about a mile through this happy land, and in course of time, bethinking themselves of their sacred mission, they fell to work on a Billy goat, who was slain, after a hard fight, as an offering to their great G.o.d, The Stomach. It is evidenced by our records that this goat must have been a huge animal, for Ver and Rect lived three days on his carca.s.s, although at the end of this time they felt rather sick. The entry in their inward journal was as follows: "Disgusted with Billy goat; hopes of finding our steady feed very gloomy." Rect began to feel discouraged, but Ver cheered him up, saying unto him: "Rec', I have a feeling within my bones which tells me our promised land of Good Feed draws near. Brace up thy suspenders, and let us be of good mien and travail onward, for there is no philosopher on earth of a cheerful temper with his belly unhinged."

Verily, after a two days' journey, they observed, to their joy, right on their road, a great mountain overgrown with timber and underbrush. Upon reaching it, they found it full of game of all kinds, some of which they began to attack immediately. Among others they caught a little, delicate gray rabbit, and after critically tasting its flesh, were delighted with its flavor. They thought now they had found a solid bill-of-fare material, and made arrangements for staying in the place by digging themselves comfortable beds under the roots of a big tree. There was such an abundance of these delicious rabbits that Ver and Rect concluded they had enough of a wandering life, and that the mission of the "Bill-of-Fare Improving Co." was fulfilled. They called the land, on account of the great number of these little animals, _Engelland_, meaning the land of the Engels, or angels, at present England. Having kept bachelor's hall for awhile under the big tree, they formed the acquaintance of some of their rich neighbors, who were very kind to them, and whom the Martens found to be relatives of theirs. To Ver and Rect's former pastimes of hunting, eating, drinking (cold water), and sleeping, they now added courting. Ver acquainted himself with a pretty young Miss Weasel, a blonde, and paid her attention, and Rect took fancy to a handsome and stately Miss Mink, a brunette. In two hours after their first courtship--the thing was done quicker in those days--Ver and Rect were married men. They begot children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren, who in their turn intermarried into the families of the Sables, the Fitches, and the Ermines, but all the descendants of Ver and Rect went under the name of Ver-Rects, afterwards verrects, until it has been gradually mellowed into our present _ferrets_. The ferrets now lived in the woods of old Engelland, hunting and eating rabbits and enjoying themselves with all their families on this only ingredient of their bill-of-fare, which Ver and Rect thought of making the permanent ferret food by law. Of course the ferrets grew into the most expert of rabbit-hunters, and they have retained this ability to the present day. Never after they had been in Engelland did Ver or Rect or their descendants subsist on pigs, woodchucks, or billy-goats. One morning a great accident happened, which brought them a different kind of food, consisting of a large army of black rats. The way it happened was this: The earth on which we now live, and which swings around at a pretty good gait on its own axle, broke it right near the north pole and all the waters spilled out there. They overflowed the Atlantic river 1500 miles on each side, and thus formed our present Atlantic Ocean. The high mountain of England was just saved from the water, making it an island, and just then 750,000 live rats swam on sh.o.r.e to save themselves from drowning.

The ferrets killed a few of these rats to experiment upon, and were more than delighted with the tender meat, Ver and Rect making the ferret's bill-of-fare for all ages chiefly consist of rabbits and rats. Sometimes the ferrets went rabbit and sometimes rat-hunting, and were as expert in the one as in the other, and so it is that the ferret of to-day occupies itself, by the mandates of its forefathers, Ver and Rect, in the vigorous hunting throughout all lands of the rat and the rabbit. From whence the rats came before they arrived in England will be found in the next chapter.

THE CONTINUATION OF THE FORMER CHAPTER.

Our rats are from China. The proof of this will be found in more particularly observing the rat's looks, vices and nature, the manner in which he carries his (pig)tail, and further, the great love of the Chinaman for him. We contend also that the Chinaman and the rat are relatives, for it can be said of both, as it has been said of one,

"That for ways that are dark, And for tricks that are vain, The heathen Chinee is peculiar."

So we say positively that the rat is Chinese, and there is no record that can prove the contrary. The rats were kept locked up in that great empire of solid fences before they showed themselves to the other countries of the earth. Forty years before the great Ver and Rect battle, 750,000 big rats, with their tails out straight, like real Chinese pig-tails, concluded to make an exodus out of the heavenly territory, under the leadership of 75 big chiefs. They didn't want to leave particularly, but they were afraid of being starved out altogether, or else murdered for food by the Chinese army. After the rats had put themselves in battle array, and were duly formed in procession, the 75 big chiefs, who were distinguished from the others by their big red noses and muscular forms, held a council. At the end of a three days' session, during which a great many speeches had been made and a good deal of fighting had been going on, a very old political rat-boss arose and made a proposition. His speech was about as follows: "Honored Rats, and fellow-citizens: I have been a rat for a good many years, and don't want to change my business. I must say I like being a rat. But if we are hacked up in soup, or starved out completely, I have my doubts of our staying powers. Countrymen and lovers, this is what we are threatened with, and we must move. Where to? is the question that arises, and I have thought it over. The climate is hot to suffocation and very unhealthy here; let us trust to luck and go west, as a friend of mine said on a similar occasion. 'Go West, young man, go West,' I say unto you now, and I advise you to do so as speedily as possible." This speech was received with "tremendous applause" for the old rat waxed very eloquent, and the "go west" resolution was pa.s.sed unanimously. An amendment was put in, changing the course to north-west, for the meeting was held during such hot weather, that some of the radicals wanted to start out immediately and settle on the North Pole. They were promptly overruled, of course, and the 750,000 rats, including males and females, wandered on slowly in their chosen direction, increasing on the road to a wonderful extent. The council concluded to hold a thorough count or census of rats, and each male rat, it was provided, should not be bashful about coming forward and giving the true number of his whole family--no doctoring of the returns allowed. After the count was completed, all the rats over and above the original amount, 750,000, agreed to stay in the country they had arrived at. The originals kept on moving towards the north-west, but the others filled up every section of the earth they pa.s.sed through. The rats made friends with neither man nor animal on their journey. First they made a stop in a state where all the owls--although they were countrymen of the rats, having emigrated from China--fell upon them, and there was a pitched battle, the rats afterwards hiding themselves in their holes under ground after losing a great many in dead and wounded. One day they agreed to make an excursion out of the line of their route and so take in Egypt. In a few weeks they here ate up all the corn from the fields, stealing and hiding away anything edible, and quite creating a panic, but always fighting shy of the daylight. We read in the histories of a great locust plague in Egypt, about this time, but on this point we have a revelation to make.

The locust was just as innocent of this crime as it is of building the Brooklyn Bridge--_it was the rats that did it_. When the rats arrived in Greece they scored a signal victory, because it was there that they extirminated a whole nation--the mice--and the former have strongly held this country ever since. We are authentically informed, by reference to our own private rat historian's notes of this trip, that the first place the rats met their great enemy, the Dog, was in Ancient Rome, where the dogs were put on them by man with much success, and here the rats could get no firm foothold. This caused them a roundabout journey north, and when they thought they had pretty well established themselves in ancient Gaul, now France, they were raided by a strange tigerish kind of animal which proved afterwards a lasting antagonist of theirs--the Cat. The poor rodents found here the other enemies they had encountered on the road, the owl and the dog, who were always urged on fiercely by man.

While the rats were struggling along in France, the land was convulsed by an earthquake, causing the Atlantic river's banks to be overflowed.

This submerged the land on which the rats were, and as they all could swim they headed their course for England, the nearest dry land. It was here the ferrets joined man, dogs, cats and owls, but the more the rats were hunted, the more acute and crafty they got to be, until they found out innumerable hiding-places and ways of preservation, so we have them still with us to-day. We thus close our story of research, through which we have shown America as the birthplace of the ferret, China of the rat, and England as the first country employing ferrets for rat-hunting.