We displayed the calico signpost at the front of the inn, and at the appointed hour in the evening we had a crowded audience in the room. I must give my comrade Spencer more credit than myself for the "show;" for he would have two strings to his bow. While he and I were entering the place, he picked up a black cat belonging to some poor neighbour, and quickly stowed it away in one of his capacious pockets. The cat will appear later. As John put p.u.s.s.y away, he said, "If t'War Pig doesn't satisfy 'em, I'll show 'em something else." We commenced the performance.

I brought the pig out of the box, and exhibited the animal on a small table in the middle of the room. The audience was on the tiptoe of expectation, and crowded towards the table to see the famous war pig, which, after its long confinement, and also, of course, from its natural condition, was hardly able to stand. In a few words I introduced the war pig-"Ladies and gentlemen,-In opening the performance this evening, I have to show you the famous war pig from South America," &c., &c.

THE COBBLER'S DISCOVERY

There was an old fellow at the back of the room wearing a leather ap.r.o.n and red cap, with his blue shirt sleeves rolled up-a typical old cobbler.

He pushed up to the table, and, after "eyeing" the "exhibit" somewhat critically through his spectacles, he held forth as follows:-"Nah, dus ta call thet a war pig?" in the vernacular peculiar to the natives. I said, "Did ta ivver see a war pig i' thi life?" "Noa," said he blankly "it's t'

_warst_ pig I ivver set mi een on." And then the audience saw where the "war" pig came in, and they laughed heartily over the joke. It was a relief to me when they did put the best face on the affair. Under cover of the diversion I stole from the room, and prepared to leave the place.

I met Mrs Stangcliffe at the foot of the staircase. She said "she did not know what to think about us, but there had been a fearful noise, and she took it that we had pleased the company." With this I left the inn, and got away to a place where I had arranged to wait for Spencer.

TIPPO-SAHIB-THE INDIAN CAT

Yes; you will be wondering what has become of Spencer. Well; he stayed behind to continue the show. As he told me afterwards, he appeared before the screen and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen,-You don't seem to be quite satisfied with the war pig from South America. I can a.s.sure you that I have here a cat which I brought from India; they call her Tippo-Sahib.

She can tell fortunes. Tippo has told the fortunes of all the Indian kings and princes, and I have brought her here expressly to tell the ladies present their fortunes. Now, Tippo (introducing the Haworth-bred cat to the audience), walk round the room and tell the ladies their fortunes." Puss had no sooner been liberated than she bounded out at the open door. Spencer said hastily, "I believe the climate of England is too cold for Tippo; but I'll fetch her back." Upon this he darted out of the door, and down the stairs after the scared cat; and this was the way Spencer effected his escape. Of course, the audience tumbled to it that the whole concern was a swindle, but they "bore up" well, and even seemed satisfied with the swindle, for they had many good laughs out of it.

Spencer joined me on the road just out of Haworth, and together we returned to Keighley.

AT HAWORTH AGAIN-FUNNY STORIES

As I remarked in the earlier part of the above incident, I had on a former occasion figured in the large room attached to the Fleece Inn.

This occasion turned out a kind of "slope," though not so bad a one as that already described. There happened to be staying in Keighley Wild's Theatre, and John Spencer and I thought we could manage a bit of "business" at Haworth. So we borrowed two costumes. Mine was a monkey dress-a kind of skin covering for the whole body-which I had lent to me by "Billy Shanteney." Spencer obtained the loan of a clown's dress. At this time there was a drummer who lived in Wellington-street. He was well known to Keighley folk as "Old Bill Heblett." Bill used to march the streets in company with bands of music, and caused some amount of wonder and amazement by throwing his drum-sticks into the air and catching them between the beats. On this occasion we induced Heblett to lend us his famed drum; so that with a monkey's and a clown's costumes, and a drum, we were in a fair way of business. We had intended that the show should consist of Spencer lifting heavy weights, and I was to amuse the audience with jokes and funny stories. We went up to Haworth, engaged the rooms from Mrs Stangcliffe, and borrowed the landlady's bed-curtains to hang across the room to form a screen and so make the place look something like a show-room. For footlights we fastened candles on the floor, placing each candle between three nails.

THE BELLMAN'S SHAKESPEARE!

Then we engaged a fiddler who went by the name of Billy Frenchman-a well-known character in Haworth at the time. Bill had been in the army for some years. In his old age he had been appointed town's herald or crier of Haworth. It was in this capacity that we engaged him to "cry"

our show about Haworth, before we turned out on parade. Billy told us to write down what we wanted him to say, and this was our programme-"This is to give notice to the public of Haworth and the surrounding neighbourhood that a company of dramatic performers will appear tonight at the Fleece Inn Garret. The performance to commence with Shakespeare's comedy, 'Katharine and Petruchio; or, The Taming of the Shrew;' to be followed by 'Ali Pasha; or, The Mussulman's Vengeance,' and tricks by the monkey, and comic sketches." These were the words Billy had written on his paper, but through some misunderstanding _these_ were the words I heard him cry out: he gave them in broad Haworth dialect:-"This is ta gie noatis ta t'publick o' Howarth et ther's bahn ta be sum play-acters at t'Fleece Inn Garritt, and ther bahn ta act 'Catherine fra t'Padding Can, er Who's ta tak t'screws;' ta be follered bi 'Alpaca, er t'smashing up o'

t'engines.'" But Billy's blunder was perhaps for the best; for, seeing that this was about the time when hand woolcombing was on the decline, and engines were being brought out, the people had an idea that the announcement had some startling reference to their trade. Myself, I could not help but laugh heartily over this choice specimen of bellman's oratory.

BILL PLAYS THE STREET MONKEY

About 5.30 in the evening Jack put on his clown's costume, and I put on the monkey's garb, and Jack, taking the drum and leading me by a chain, paraded up the main street of Haworth. Opposite the White Lion we "pitched," and the customers soon came out of the public-house, and pa.s.sers-by stopped to see "whoa we wor." I distinctly heard one of the onlookers say that "if it wor a real un, it wor t'biggest monkey ut he'd ivver seen." Then a few of the folks standing together held a hurried confab., and as a result one of them announced, "I'll tread on his tail, an' if he squeaks it'll be a reight un." Suiting his words to action the joskin advanced and trod on the end of the monkey's tail. Of course the monkey squeaked. Jacko also turned round suddenly, and, with a horrid grin on his features, sprang on the shoulders of his intruder. The poor fellow screamed, and his first words on finding himself out of danger were "Oh! he's a reight monkey." Within the next few minutes another native came up, and inquired of Spencer "Ah say-can thy monkey chew bacca?"-producing a tobacco-box, the size of which was awe-inspiring.

"Try it," said Spencer, "Give him the box-he's very careful." So the big-hearted joskin handed his big tobacco-box to the monkey. I was wearing a mask, which allowed for a large mouth, and I popped the box into the "yawning cavity." "By gow," said the at-one-time owner of the box, "What a stummack!-he's swallered t'box an all!" With such an uncomfortable article as a tobacco-box in his mouth, the monkey could not do very much in the way of performing, so the return was made to the Fleece Inn Garret. People-particularly the disappointed owner of the tobacco-box-followed us down, and by opening-time we had

A DENSELY-CROWDED HOUSE

The old fiddler-a host in himself-was the orchestra. He knew about three tunes, and these he played o'er and o'er. I forgot to mention that we had not an appointed door-keeper, or cashier, so I undertook that superior office myself. "My word," said some of the people as they came in, "just lewk at that monkey; it's t'moast remarkable monkey et ivver wor knawn i'

Howarth; it's soa mich sense woll it can tak t'bra.s.s at t'door." Well, the house became so crowded that there was scarcely any room left for us to perform. The time for commencing arrived, and we appeared before the curtain, though we felt at a great loss to know how we were going to manage to perform in the s.p.a.ce there was left; for it must be known that we did actually intend to give a performance. We had gone through a few "feats"-Spencer lifting and performing with 56lb. weights, and I doing a few tricks at tight-rope walking and dancing. Spencer was behind the curtain waiting his "turn," and when I retired he said: "It's no good; we cannot give satisfaction here."

THE VANISHING TRICK

"There isn't room for you to work, never tell of me;" adding, "You had better go and get you right clothes on. Bring the drum and all our belongings you can get hold on, and slip out at the back door the best way that you can." I obeyed. The "orchestra" was discoursing diverting music. I went down to exchange monkey for man, so to speak, and, this done, and having collected our properties, I made my way, happily undetected, out of the house, and cut across the fields. Weighed down as I was with the copper taken at the door, and in my anxiety to look after everything and get away as fast as I could, I let the drum slip from my grasp. It rolled down a steep field, and for a short time I had a fine chase after it. "But where was Jack Spencer?" readers will be wondering.

Yes; I had forgot all about Jack for the minute. As he afterwards told me, he got away all right except for a little mishap which befell him just after he had left the place. Opposite the Fleece Inn was a cartwright's shop (I believe the shop is there now), and behind the wall skirting the roadway was placed an old cart. Spencer knew not of either of these things, and when he lightly mounted the wall and leaped-before he had looked-it was to find himself in the cart, or, to be more precise, falling through the bottom of it. He rather lamed his leg, and had to limp up to Merrall's mill, where I was waiting for him. Together, we made for Keighley, and on arriving there we "put up" at the Lord Rodney Inn, in Church Green, which was then kept by Mrs Fox. Safe in the hostelry, we counted up our spoil, and, perhaps, congratulated ourselves that we had got off so easily. Jack told me that before leaving the entertainment he told the fiddler to play up "special," as he was going to do a "fine trick."

THE AUDIENCE DISCOVER THE "SLOPE."

Next day we learned from a young man whom we came across at Wild's theatre how affairs had developed at Haworth the previous night. He said that for half-an-hour the fiddler went on playing his favourite tune, "Rosin the bow." By-and-bye, the audience manifested signs of active curiosity as to the position of affairs, and one man said he would go behind the curtain and see for himself, adding, "There must be something wrong." He went to the front, and pulled the screen on one side to find-nothing! The audience generally bore up with good heart, but one determined-looking individual said, "I've paid my two-pence, an' I'm bahn ta hev a cannel for it, if nowt else." And with that he stalked up to the front, and possessed himself of one of the candles which had been in use as footlights. Others then made a rush for the remaining candles, and in the disorder the poor fiddler fared rather badly, for he got his fiddle broken. But Spencer and I afterwards visited him, and made good the loss he sustained. I must say that we never intended the affair to be a swindle, and, borrowing one of my friend Squire Leach's forcible expressions, I may say we "started with good intentions, whatever came out of 'em." Perhaps I may be excused for introducing the following verses of my own, ent.i.tled "Haworth Sharpness," to close this chapter:-

Says a wag to a porter i' Haworth one day, "Yer net ower sharp-ye drones o't' railway; For fra Keighley to Howarth I've been oft enough, But nivver a hawpenny I've paid yer, begoff."

The porter replied, "I varry mich daht it, But I'll gie thee a quart ta tell all abaht it; For it looks plain ta me tha cuddn't pa.s.s t'snicket, Without tippin' ta t' porter thi pa.s.s or thi ticket"

"Tha'll write up ta Derby, an' then tha'll deceive me."

"I willn't, this time," said t'porter, "believe me."

"Then aht wi' thi bra.s.s, an' let us be knocking.

For I've walked it a fooit-back all raand bi t'Bocking."

CHAPTER VII

Perhaps it will not be out of place for me to introduce a few recollections I have of several gentlemen who were about this time of my life prominently before the public.

ABOUT OLD JOE FIRTH

I have heard Oastler speak of the tyranny of factory life in Keighley. I remember hearing him speak at the "Non. Con." Chapel in Sun-street, when Joe Firth, an old Keighleyite, rose from the gallery and began to address the meeting. Mr Oastler invited Firth to the rostrum. He went and delivered a vivid description of factory life. He was an illiterate man, and spoke in his native dialect. His speech was so telling that it was well reported, a column appearing in the _Leeds Weekly Times._ Firth was fond of speaking of the way his speech was reported and dressed up so that he really could not recognise his own words. Firth was afterwards called to London to give evidence, and he saved enough money out of his allowance to enable him to abandon hand wool-combing, and set up as a hawker of tea and coffee. He never looked behind him after that, and, being a great "spouter," he got onto the Keighley Local Board. He was one of the opponents of the Baths and Washhouses Scheme, and, in fact, he liked opposition in many things. He was a staunch teetotaller. He died leaving some property.

TH' CROOKED LEGGED 'UNS O' KEIGHLEY