A Girl Like You - A Girl Like You Part 19
Library

A Girl Like You Part 19

'No,' says Henry defensively. 'I just wish he was here to balance things out.'

'Henry's got a bromance,' says Plum.

My phone beeps. It's a text.

Great time last night. Would absolutely love to do it again. What about Sunday lunch? Jon.

'Oh, it's blind date guy,' I say. 'Sayonara, big guy.' Delete, ignore, continue.

'Fucking hell,' says Plum under her breath.

'Right, let's go,' says Henry, getting up. Charlotte quickly follows him and they start chatting on the way out the door.

As Plum and I walk out of the pub, I sigh happily. After two glasses of champagne, I feel ready for whatever this speed dating night has in store for me. I may be the last single girl in London to try it, but by God, I'm going to give it my best shot.

'Try not to hog all the fucking men tonight, alright, Abigail?' says Plum, as we reach the street.

I instantly realise what her problem is: she thinks I'm taking male attention away from her.

It crosses my mind to say that describing herself as Debbie Desperate and/or Dateless isn't the most attractive thing in the world, and maybe that attitude is why she's not getting as much dating action as she'd like, but I'm a firm believer in not kicking someone when they're down. Even if she's being frankly a bit of a cow. So I just ignore her and keep walking.

Charlotte and Henry are striding ahead, chatting away flirtily.

'Looks like Charlotte and Henry are getting along,' I say happily.

'Why'd you have to bring the extra competition?' says Plum crossly.

That's it. Fuck firm beliefs.

I stop walking and turn to her. 'Plum, what the hell is wrong with you tonight?'

'Nothing,' she says defensively.

'Then why are you acting like this?' I say. 'You don't need to take out your bad mood on me. You're ruining the night.'

Plum starts scrabbling in her bag, and I notice the tears streaming down her face.

'I'm sorry,' I say immediately. Fucking hell, I didn't expect her to explode with misery. 'Plum, please, don't cry, it's fine . . .'

'It is not fucking fine,' she says, through sobs. 'I can't face tonight, I c-c-c-can't take the rejection. Dan was the last straw, I really thought it was different, I really, really fucking liked him and he's disappeared like the rest of them. I have nothing left. I am toxic with singledom.'

'Oh, Plum,' I say, putting my arm around her. The others are still walking ahead of us to The Perseverance, oblivious to what's going on. 'Can't you just . . . detach from it all? Just have fun? Just fake it?'

'No I fucking can't,' she snaps furiously, pushing my arm away. 'Stop giving me Robert's advice. Everything is so easy for you. You break up and boom, you're on dates all the time. You don't even want them to text, and they still do. It's so unfair.'

'I am not on dates "all the time",' I exclaim. 'And it's not like any of them are any good . . . Fucking hell, Plum, being single is a novelty for me, of course I'm going to enjoy it.'

Plum makes a sarcastic snorty-huff sound.

'None of them are amazing or even that interesting. I can't even imagine ever falling in love again, I'm just trying to enjoy myself . . . And just so you know, everything is not easy for me,' I add. That particularly upset me. She knows how hard I fight to keep my nerves under control.

'It looks easy,' she says glumly, holding a tissue gently under each eye to dry her tears without ruining her makeup.

'Well, that's your perception,' I reply. 'Try to think of it from my perspective. I'm just trying to, I don't know, do my best. You'll find a good guy. Both of us will. One day.'

'I know,' she says chokingly. 'I'm sorry . . . It's just . . . it's so hard.'

I sigh. There's nothing I can say to change how she feels about that. Too many shit things have happened for her to be happy right now. It's almost scary: when someone as cool and confident as Plum can't handle singledom, what hope is there for me? No, I'll be fine. I have Robert to help me. Plum just needs a Robert, but I don't think she wants to hear that right now.

'Shall we have a Good Will Hunting moment, where I tell you over and over again that it's not your fault?'

Plum smiles, sighs, and shakes her head. 'No. You know, I thought Dan was a good guy. Maybe there are no good guys left.'

'Come along tonight and have some fun,' I say. I take her bag, take out her cigarettes, put one in her mouth and light it for her. 'Let's see what's out there.'

'Let me save you the bother,' she says, exhaling smoke dramatically. 'Nothing, and no one, is out there. I don't even know why I suggested fucking speed dating. I give up. Do you hear me, universe?' She shouts. 'I give up!'

At that moment, her phone rings.

She locates it in the side pocket of her bag, and looks at the screen.

'No fucking way . . .' she says quietly, and presses the answer button. '. . . Hello?'

There's a pause, and I see her eyes scanning space as she listens. 'Yes, oh, oh, hi,' she says, and quickly covers the phone while she wipes her nose and clears her throat. 'I'm marvellous, thanks, Dan. How are you?'

Dan! Her good guy! From the nightclub! Who hasn't called in weeks!

'It did? . . . You did?' she pauses, and smiles. 'Really? What a nightmare.' Seeing Plum grinning is one of the nicest things I've seen in days. Like cold feet in a hot bath, my worry slowly eases. She mouths that she'll catch up, and I nod and skip to where Henry and Charlotte have stopped to wait for us.

'Sorry,' I say.

'Everything alright, Abigay?' asks Henry.

'Smashing,' I nod. 'She'll just be a second.'

Plum runs up to us, buzzing with happiness. 'Dan's suitcase was lost on the way to Atlanta! And his phone was inside it as he'd changed jackets at the last minute! And he was emailing Rich, trying to get in touch with me! But Rich wasn't responding cos he's got a new job in Hong fucking Kong! And then he tried to find me on Facebook but my privacy levels were too high! So Dan finally got back to London yesterday and just got his suitcase back today and the first thing he did was call me! He said he was sitting on the floor of his flat because he had to charge it at the same time because the battery was dead! I'm seeing him tomorrow!'

We all start cheering and high-fiving, even Charlotte, who seems pretty confused by the whole story but just rolls with it. By the time we reach The Perseverance, I am feeling uberconfident and ready to go. I am going to make this speed dating night my bitch. We walk in, and I look towards the bar.

And then I see Josh From HR.

And Skinny Jeans guy.

And Peter's brother, Joe.

Shit.

Chapter Eighteen.

'Fuckety fuck, fuck, fuck it,' I say. I'm saying it to no one, because the minute I clocked the three of them, I ran straight for the bathrooms. Now I'm locked in a cubicle, having what I sup pose is a very mild version of a panic attack: I'm looking at my shoes and saying 'fuck' a lot.

What do I do now? I have to leave, right? I cannot brazen my way out of this, no matter how detached and cool I pretend to be. I'll text Plum and ask her to come in here, perhaps we can fashion a burkha of some kind out of her scarf, and I can escape without them seeing me- 'Abigail?' says a voice. It's Plum. 'Why did you just do a pirouet te and leap for the ladies?'

I open the toilet door and walk out just as Charlotte bursts into the bathroom.

'What's going on?' she says. 'You left me with Henry!' she stops short. 'Not that I mind . . .'

'I have to leave,' I say, fighting the urge to laugh hysterically. 'The dweeb is here and the guy that I, you know, was a drunken slutty nightmare with, and Peter's brother, Joe, who hates me and called me a selfish bitch. What are the odds? I can't possibly stay and sit face-to-face with them for three minutes each!'

'You can't leave!' they say in unison.

'I need you here,' says Plum. 'And if you leave, you'll fuck up the guys-to-girls ratio.'

'I only came because of you!' says Charlotte nervously.

Fuck. It's true, I really can't leave Charlotte since I invited her. Plum was practically hysterical on the street just now, I mean, she seems stable since Dan rang but God knows what might happen if something went wrong. And it really would be difficult to hold a speed dating night with too many guys.

'Oh God, I'm having a hot flush from nerves, this may have brought on The Change,' I say, leaning over the sink and running my wrists under the cold water.

'I find it unlikely that you're going through menopause at 27,' retorts Plum.

'When were you a drunken slutty nightmare, by the way?' says Charlotte. Ah yes, I pretended I was sick. Oh well, we're friends now. I give her a quick rundown on the Skinny Jeans date, and she laughs so hard I think she might be ill.

Then we're all silent for a second. 'There's what, seven million people in London? What are the odds?'

'I thought it was eight million,' says Charlotte.

'Whatever,' I say. 'I need some thinking time. What time is it starting? We're just butterflying now, right?'

'We're supposed to go to the private room upstairs by 9 pm,' says Plum, glancing at her phone. 'You have half an hour.'

'I'll tell Henry what's going on,' says Charlotte, dashing back out. 'He'll be worried.'

'I'll get us some drinks,' says Plum. 'Then we can figure out what to do.'

And I'm alone again. I feel sick, like I've been caught doing something I shouldn't . . . I never responded to any of the texts from Josh From HR or Skinny Jeans. Perhaps this is my comeuppance for being so arrogant. Karma is a bitch. Should I say I lost my phone? Or that I just never got their texts? Perhaps I could pretend to have amnesia. Like Guy Pearce in Memento.

Fuck it, I'm calling Robert.

'Why are my spidey senses telling me that you need advice?' he says, instead of hello.

'Total fucking meltdown. Can you talk?'

'I learned to talk when I was a year old, but I was advanced for my age. What's up?'

'I'm at speed dating, you know, and Skinny Jeans the one night stand guy is here, and Josh From HR, remember that bad date at the Albannach? And Peter's brother Joe who hates me, and called me a stupid bitch, and I'm going to have to talk to them all for three minutes each, and I can't leave or the girls will kill me.'

There's a pause.

'You'd better not be laughing!' I say.

'Sorry,' he says. I can tell by his voice that he's smiling.

'Why is it echoing?'

'I'm hiding in the, uh, euphemism.'

'Right . . . So, who cares? Three minutes. You can do anything for three minutes.'

'No! I need help!' I am overreacting, but I can't help it. 'Joe was so horrible to me the last time I saw him, and I couldn't even say anything back, I just clammed up and ran away and cried. And last time I saw Skinny Jeans guy, he was passed out in bed and I was crawling around his room looking for my knickers. I will die of mortification when I have to face him.'

'If you die, text me.'

'I don't think that the state of deadness or the speed dating environment, for that matter is conducive to texting.'

'Drinks!' says Plum, bursting back in with two very large vodkas.

'Is that Robert? Hi, Robert!'

'Is that Plum?' he says. 'Christ, she's cheerful.'

'I'm putting you on speaker,' I say, and press loudspeaker. 'Robert is my scriptwriter.'

'Right then. To to the Josh guy, you say that you lost your phone,' he says, his voice sounding all tinny over the loudspeaker.

'Roger that,' I nod. 'But he might ask me out again.'

'Then say that you're, God, I don't know . . . working through a few issues with a recent break-up,' he says.

'So she's allegedly working through break-up issues by going to a speed dating night?' says Plum dubiously.

There's a pause. Plum and I stare hopefully at my mobile.

Robert clears his throat. 'Let's move on. Skinny Jeans. Just act like you're mildly amused to see him again.'

'That's no help!' I exclaim. 'I need a script, Robert. What if he asks me why I left before he woke up? Or why I ignored his texts? I'm too embarrassed to tell him that I was too embarrassed.'

'What?' Robert starts laughing again. 'Why do you care what he thinks?'

'And what if Joe picks a fight again? I'm not good with people being mean! What if I mean, what if-'