I couldn't use the cane.

Would you?

THE SPOTTED HEIFERS

Mr Jeremiah Jeffers Owned a pair of spotted heifers These he sold for two pounds ten To Mr Robert Raymond Wren

Who reared them in the lucerne paddocks Owned by Mr Martin Maddox, And sold them, when they grew to cows, To Mr Donald David Dowse.

A grazier, Mr Egbert Innes, Bought them then for twenty guineas, Milked the cows, and sold the milk To Mr Stephen Evan Silk.

Who rents a b.u.t.ter factory From Mr Laurence Lampard-Lee.

Here, once a week, come for his b.u.t.ter The grocer, Mr Roland Rutter,

Who keeps a shop in Sunny Street Next door to Mr Peter Peat.

He every afternoon at two Sent his fair daughter, Lucy Loo,

To Mr Rutter's shop to buy Such things as were not priced too high, Especially a shilling tin Of "Fuller's Food for Folk Too Thin."

This food was bought for Lucy Loo-- A girl of charming manners, who Was much too pale and much too slight To be a very pleasant sight.

When Lucy Loo beheld the b.u.t.ter Stocked by Mr Roland Rutter, She said, "I'll have a pound of that."

She had it, and thenceforth grew fat.

We now go back to Mr Jeffers, Who sold the pair of spotted heifers.

He had a son, James Edgar John, A handsome lad to gaze upon,

Who had now reached that time of life When young men feel they need a wife; But no young girl about the place Exactly had the kind of face

That seemed to suit James Edgar John-- A saddening thing to think upon, For he grew sad and sick of life Because he could not find a wife.

One day young James was pa.s.sing by (A look of sorrow in his eye) The shop of Mr Roland Rutter, When Lucy Loo came out with b.u.t.ter.

At once James Edgar John said, "That Is just the girl for me! She's fat."

He offered her his heart and hand And prospects of his father's land.

The Reverend Saul Sylvester Slight Performed the simple marriage rite.

The happy couple went their way, And lived and loved unto this day.

Events cannot be far foreseen; And all ths joy might not have been If Mr Jeremiah Jeffers Had kept his pair of spotted heifers.

TEA TALK

'Excuse me if I sit on you,' the cup said to the saucer.

'I fear I've been here all the afternoon.'

'Spare excuses,' said the saucer; 'you have sat on me before, sir.'

'Oh, I'll stir him up directly,' said the spoon.

'Stop your clatter! Stop your clatter!' cried the bread-and-b.u.t.ter platter 't.i.ttle-tattle!' sneered the tea-pot, with a shrug; 'Now, the most important question is my chronic indigestion.'

'Ah, you've taken too much tannin,' jeered the jug.

'Hey, hey, hey!' sang the silver-plated tray, 'It's time you had your faces washed. I've come to clear away!'

THE LOOKING-GLa.s.s

When I look into the looking gla.s.s I'm always sure to see-- No matter how I dodge about-- Me, looking out at me.

I often wonder as I look, And those strange features spy, If I, in there, think I'm as plain As I, out here, think I.

WOOLLOOMOOLOO

Here's a ridiculous riddle for you: How many o's are there in Woolloomooloo?

Two for the W, two for the m, Four for the l's, and that's plenty for them.

I wonder what the Jacks have got to laugh and laugh about I'm sure the worms don't see the joke when Jacky digs them out.

I wonder which is best: a rich plum-pudding stuffed with plums, Or lemon ice, or plain boiled rice, or long-division sums.

THE BARBER

I'd like to be a barber, and learn to shave and clip, Calling out, "Next please!" and pocketing my tip.

All day I'd hear my scissors going, "Snip, Snip, Snip;"

I'd lather people's faces, and their noses I would grip While I shaved most carefully along the upper lip.

But I wouldn't be a barber if . . .

The razor was to slip.

Would you?

FARMER JACK

Old farmer Jack gazed on his wheat, And feared the frost would nip it.

Said he, "it's nearly seven feet-- I must begin to strip it."

He stripped it with a stripper and He bagged it with a bagger; The bags were all so lumpy that They made the lumper stagger.