901 Guys, I don't blame you for being freaked out by the whole Valentine's Day thing. The problem is not with you-it's with our screwed-up culture.

The problem, you see, is with Cupid. Cupid represents romantic love, right? Now Cupid is a cute, naked little cherub who flits around and boinks people with his little arrows. How cute! So along comes February, and the store windows are full of flitting Cupids and are, of course, swathed in pink and red. What's the problem with this? The problem is that the images are either infantile or feminine.

The ancient Romans understood love better than we do. Cupid was originally the Roman god of romantic love. His mother, Venus, was the goddess of love. So the Romans had both feminine and masculine images for the concept of love. Pretty smart, huh? You may also be interested to know that Cupid was an adolescent-not a chubby cherub. (Picture one of those classic marble sculptures: Heroic pose, bulging muscles, and a bow big enough to bring down a bear, much less two lovers!) All of which is to say...that there is a masculine side to romantic love. It's just that our culture has few good male role models. Our culture also promotes simplistic, stereotypical thinking ("Men are logical, women are emotional,") which makes it doubly difficult for us guys to get in touch with that side of ourselves.

Best guy quote from a Romance Class: "I'm not dumb-I'm just confused."

Real Men love the Three Stooges, right? So get him a gift from the "Soitenly Stooges" catalog! Call 800-3-STOOGES, or visit www. soitenlystooges.com.

What to do? Well, you could celebrate Valentine's Day in a masculine way on even years, and celebrate in a feminine way on odd years. (So, for example, on even years you'd go on a bowling date, give tools for gifts, dine at a pub, and then have sex. Then on odd years you'd stay at a bed and breakfast, give perfume, dine at a French cafe, make gentle love.)

GAL STUFF.

902 Many men would consider this the Ultimate Gift: a "Fantasy Photo" of you. You can get a sensual, provocative and stunning "Fantasy Portrait" made of yourself by contacting a photographer who specializes in the growing art form often called "Boudoir Photography."

Many of these photographers are women with a talent for making their subject feel comfortable, and then bringing out the subtle, sexy side of her personality, and capturing it on film. "Lingerie" portraits seem to be most popular, followed by "Fantasy Outfit" shots, "Pin Up Girl" poses and "Playmate/Nude" photography. Look for professional studios in your area, check references, or call: Fantasy Photography by Daphne, in Arlington, Massachusetts, at 781-641-2100 or www.fantasyphotography.com.

Lucien Flotte Photography, in New York City, at 212-564-9670.

The classics of romance are fine in the beginning. Then what??

903 F.M. Shoes.

904 Take a quick look through Playboy or Penthouse-see for yourself what men in general find sexy. Then ask your guy specifically what he finds sexy. You might be surprised at what you learn about him! You might also open up the door to more frank discussions about sexuality and sensuality.

CHARACTERISTICS OF TRUE ROMANTICS.

905 Romantics are cheerleaders.

Romantics are the biggest fans of their lovers. They provide enthusiastic support, constant encouragement, and unconditional love. (They don't succeed 100 percent of the time, naturally, but they're always in there trying.) Guys, kiss her in a special way: Cup your hands and hold her face gently in your hands when you kiss her.

906 Romantics are creative.

Romantics see their relationships as opportunities to express their creativity, as arenas for self-expression, as safe havens for experimenting, and as places for growth.

907 Romantics are mind readers.

Those who are tuned in to their lovers-those who listen really well-develop a kind of "sixth sense" about what their lovers would love. One of the best things about long-term relationships is that you can develop this sense. And as it develops, your relationship deepens and your intimacy grows.

What kind of special gift do you know would please your partner?

What little gesture do you know would bring a smile to his or her face?

What special meal or dessert could you prepare that you know he or she simply loves?

What has he really wanted for a long time, but held back from buying? Get it for him!

Have you complimented her lately?

Have you thanked him recently?

Have you encouraged her lately?

Have you surprised him lately?

Have you acknowledged her accomplishments?

Have you marveled at his talents lately?

CHARACTERISTICS OF CRAZY ROMANTICS.

908 Slow-dance at a restaurant-when there's no music playing. (When one man from the Romance Class did this with his girlfriend, he reported that they were applauded by the other patrons, and given a complimentary bottle of champagne by the management!) 909 Snuggle up to a roaring fire in the fireplace-in the middle of August.

910 Cool things you could rent from a rental store. Great for theme dates, surprise parties, or fantasies acted out in great detail!

An automatic bubble machine A "fogger" that makes special-effects fog Various costumes A jukebox A Victorian carriage and horse A pinball machine Don't forget to open the flue!

911 On a budget? Create a "Disney World Vacation-At-Home"! Shop at a Disney Store for paraphernalia such as Mickey ears, stuffed animals, wind-up toys, balloons, puppets, and posters. Rent the most romantic Disney movies: Beauty and the Beast, Lady and the Tramp, The Little Mermaid, and Pocahontas.

Chapter Theme Song:.

"Crazy Love," Van Morrison

SPEAKING OF LOVE.

912 Let other things speak for you.

Romantics do not constantly buy gifts and presents for their partners. But they do give "things." Little things. Private things. Goofy things. Meaningful things. Things like comic strips, love quotes, a "perfect" cup of coffee, flowers, greeting cards, penny candy, magazine articles, little toys.

913 Let other people speak for you.

You don't have to be eloquent in order to be romantic. You don't have to write great poetry-or even mediocre love letters. And, you don't have to be particularly well-spoken. But you do have to express your feelings somehow. One great strategy is to borrow the romantic words of the great poets, songwriters, and wordsmiths of the world.

Let these people speak for you: William Shakespeare, Billy Joel, Paul McCartney, Charlie Brown, Susan Polis Schutz, Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Kahlil Gibran, Stevie Wonder and, Emily Dickinson.

Now, I don't suggest that you try to take credit for composing "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways." Your expression isn't diminished in the least when you borrow others' words. Simply add to the note something like, "Stevie Wonder expressed my love for you when he sang 'You Are the Sunshine of My Life.'"

914 Let your touch speak for you.

Sometimes words are simply inadequate to express the incredible feelings of love inside of you. At those times a simple touch can express volumes. A caress, a squeeze, a hug. Sometimes the simplest things are just right.

Chapter Theme Song:.

"Speaking of Love," Air Supply "No sooner met but they looked; no sooner looked but they loved; no sooner loved but they sighed; no sooner sighed but they asked one another the reason; no sooner knew the reason but they sought the remedy; and in these degrees have they made a pair of stairs to Marriage..."

-William Shakespeare, As You Like It

SPEAKING OF ROMANCE.

915 Guess which major magazine this quote is from: "...we need romance and sentimentality in our lives...Note that I say 'we need'-all of us, men and women, right down to the most macho truck driver or professional mud wrestler. There was a general supposition a couple of decades ago, when women first banded together to seek 'liberation,' that one of the first casualties would be 'romance,' particularly in its more obvious and exploitative forms. Would Betty Friedan really expect a box of chocolates on February 14? Would Kate Millett wait for flowers? Would women, once they had become astronauts, weight lifters, firepersons, and entrepreneurs, and after becoming dependent on the Pill and sisterhood, still crave romance? And was not romance itself merely another of those many cultural traps that men had perfected for women over the centuries? As anyone could have predicted, romance won out, in fact was never in danger at all."

Where did this item appear? Cosmo? Nope. Glamour? Nope. Reader's Digest? Nope. Penthouse? Yup! By Michael Korda.

916 A word to the wise: Don't equate romance with sex. Romance is intertwined with both love and sex, so there's plenty of opportunity for misunderstandings between lovers.

Romance is really love-in-action. But sometimes actions that look a lot like romance are used for seduction. And sometimes actions that look a lot like romance are used for peace offerings. And sometimes actions that look a lot like romance are used for barter.

When it comes to romance, the passion is more important than the happy ending. Think: Rome and Juliet Titanic The Notebook Gone with the Wind

WHAT'S IN A NAME?

917 Name your boat after her.

918 If her name is April, May, or June, declare the corresponding month "her" month, and Do something special for her every day that month. (Every woman is "one-in-a-million," but few are "one-in-twelve"!) Her name in a song: "Jane," Ben Folds Five "Denise," Fountains of Wayne "Maria," Green Day "Joanna," Kool & the Gang "Kathleen," Willie Nelson "Tracy," The Cuff Links His name in a song: "Ben," Jackson 5 "Daniel," Elton John "William," The Others "Jeremy," Pearl Jam "Rudy," Supertramp If you ever have occasion to discover a new planet or comet, name it after your lover.

919.

What's in a name? Make special use of her name flower if she's a Rose, Daisy, Ivy, Lily, or Iris.

What's in a nickname? Use Buttercups, Poppies, and Sweet Peas.

If your pet name for her is Angel: Make angels in the snow; celebrate August 22nd-it's "Be an Angel Day"; visit Los Angeles, the "City of Angels"; record these songs for her: "Angel of the Morning," by Merrilee Rush; "I Married an Angel," by Larry Clinton; "Angel of Mine," by Monica; and "Lips of an Angel," by Hinder.

920 Most couples have private "pet names" for one another. Many pet names lend themselves to specific gifts. From some of my Romance Class participants here are some pet names and their corresponding gifts.

Big Bear: a five-foot-tall teddy bear Macho Man: a "muscle T-shirt" and the Village People's CD Bunny: bunny motif clothing, posters, figurines Sweetie: candies of all kinds Cookie: a cookie-a-day, for nine years-so far!

Tiger: 1) A stuffed "Tigger," 2) Calvin & Hobbes books

THE MEANING OF A NAME.