_Q. C. S_. Proud and imperious man, I can't believe it.

Religion, law, and physick, were design'd By heaven the greatest blessings on mankind; But priests, and lawyers, and physicians, made These general goods to each a private trade; With each they rob, with each they fill their purses, And turn our benefits into our curses. [_Exit_.

_Fust_. Law and Physick. Where's Law?

_Enter_ PHYSIC.

_Phys_. Sir, Law, going without the playhouse pa.s.sage, was taken up by a lord chief-justice's warrant.

_Fireb_. Then we must go on without him.

_Fust_. No, no, stay a moment; I must get somebody else to rehea.r.s.e the part. Pox take all warrants for me! if I had known this before I would have satirized the law ten times more than I have.

ACT V.

SCENE I.--_Enter_ FUSTIAN, SNEERWELL, Prompter, FIREBRAND, LAW, PHYSICK.

_Fust_. I am glad you have made your escape; but I hope you will make the matter up before the day of action: come, Mr Firebrand, now if you please go on; the moment Common Sense goes off the stage Law and Physick enter.

_Fireb_. Oh! my good lords of Physick and of Law, Had you been sooner here you would have heard The haughty queen of Common Sense throw out Abuses on us all.

_Law_. I am not now To learn the hatred which she bears to me.

No more of that--for now the warlike queen Of Ignorance, attended with a train Of foreigners, all foes to Common Sense, Arrives at Covent-garden; and we ought To join her instantly with all our force.

At Temple-bar some regiments parade; The colonels, Clifford, Thavies, and Furnival, Through Holborn lead their powers to Drury-lane, Attorneys all compleatly armed in bra.s.s: These, bailiffs and their followers will join, With justices, and constables, and watchmen.

_Phys_. In Warwick-lane my powers expect me now: A hundred chariots with a chief in each, Well-famed for slaughter, in his hand he bears A feather'd dart that seldom errs in flight.

Next march a band of choice apothecaries, Each arm'd with deadly pill; a regiment Of surgeons terrible maintain the rear.

All ready first to kill, and then dissect.

_Fireb_. My lords, you merit greatly of the queen, And Ignorance shall well repay your deeds; For I foretel that by her influence Men shall be brought (what scarce can be believed) To bribe you with large fees to their undoing.

Success attend your glorious enterprize; I'll go and beg it earnest of the Sun: I, by my office, am from fight debarr'd, But I'll be with you ere the booty's shared.

[_Exeunt_ FIREBRAND, LAW, _and_ PHYSICK

_Fust_. Now, Mr Sneerwell, we shall begin my third and last act; and I believe I may defy all the poets who have ever writ, or ever will write, to produce its equal: it is, sir, so crammed with drums and trumpets, thunder and lightning, battles and ghosts, that I believe the audience will want no entertainment after it: it is as full of shew as Merlin's cave itself; and for wit--no rope-dancing or tumbling can come near it. Come, begin.

[_A ridiculous march is played_.

_Enter_ Queen IGNORANCE, _attended with_ Singers, Fidlers, Rope-dancers, Tumblers, &c.

_Q. Ign_. Here fix our standard; what is this place called?

1_Att_. Great madam, Covent-garden is its name.

_Q. Ign_. Ha! then methinks we have ventured too far, Too near those theatres where Common Sense Maintains her garrisons of mighty force; Who, should they sally on us ere we're joined By Law and Physick, may offend us much.

[_Drum beats within_.

But ha! what means this drum?

1_Att_. It beats a parley, not a point of war

_Enter_ HARLEQUIN.

_Harl_. To you, great queen of Ignorance, I come Emba.s.sador from the two theatres; Who both congratulate you on your arrival; And to convince you with what hearty meaning They sue for your alliance, they have sent Their choicest treasure here as hostages, To be detain'd till you are well convinced They're not less foes to Common Sense than you.

_Q. Ign_. Where are the hostages?

_Harl_. Madam, I have brought A catalogue, and all therein shall be Deliver'd to your order; but consider, Oh mighty queen! they offer you their all; And gladly for the least of these would give Their poets and their actors in exchange.

_Q. Ign_. Read the catalogue.

_Harl_. [_Reads_.] "A tall man, and a tall woman, hired at a vast price. A strong man exceeding dear. Two dogs that walk on their hind legs only, and personate human creatures so well, they might be mistaken for them. A human creature that personates a dog so well that he might almost be taken for one. Two human cats. A most curious set of puppies. A pair of pigeons. A set of rope-dancers and tumblers from Sadler's-wells."

_Q. Ign_. Enough, enough; and is it possible That they can hold alliance with my friends Of Sadler's-wells? then are they foes indeed To Common Sense, and I'm indebted to 'em.

Take back their hostages, for they may need 'em; And take this play, and bid 'em forthwith act it; There is not in it either head or tail.

_Harl_. Madam, they will most gratefully receive it.

The character you give would recommend it, Though it had come from a less powerful hand.

_Q. Ign_. The Modish Couple is its name; myself Stood gossip to it, and I will support This play against the town.

_I Att_. Madam, the queen Of Common Sense advances with her powers.

_Q. Ign_. Draw up my men, I'll meet her as I ought; This day shall end the long dispute between us.

_Enter_ Queen COMMON SENSE _with a_ Drummer.

_Fust_. Hey-day! where's Common Sense's army?

_Promp_. Sir, I have sent all over the town, and could not get one soldier for her, except that poor drummer, who was lately turned out of an Irish regiment.

_Drum_. Upon my shoul but I have been a drummer these twenty years, master, and have seen no wars yet; and I was willing to learn a little of my trade before I died.

_Fust_. Hush, sirrah! don't you be witty; that is not in your part.

_Drum_. I don't know what is in my part, sir; but T desire to have something in it; for I have been tired of doing nothing a great while.

_Fust_. Silence!

_Q. C. S_. What is the reason, madam, that you bring These hostile arms into my peaceful realm?