_Phys_. My lord of Law, you speak my sentiments; For though I wear the mask of loyalty, And outward shew a reverence to the queen, Yet in my heart I hate her: yes, by heaven, She stops my proud ambition! keeps me down When I would soar upon an eagle's wing, And thence look down, and dose the world below.

_Law_. Thou know'st, my lord of Physick, I had long Been privileged by custom immemorial, In tongues unknown, or rather none at all, My edicts to deliver through the land; When this proud queen, this Common Sense abridged My power, and made me understood by all.

_Phys_. My lord, there goes a rumour through the court That you descended from a family Related to the queen; Reason is said T' have been the mighty founder of your house.

_Law_. Perhaps so; but we have raised ourselves so high, And shook this founder from us off so far, We hardly deign to own from whence we came.

_Fireb_. My lords of Law and Physick, I have heard With perfect approbation all you've said: And since I know you men of n.o.ble spirit, And fit to undertake a glorious cause, I will divulge myself: know, through this mask, Which to impose on vulgar minds I wear, I am an enemy to Common Sense; But this not for Ambition's earthly cause, But to enlarge the worship of the Sun; To give his priests a just degree of power, And more than half the profits of the land.

Oh! my good lord of Law, would'st thou a.s.sist, In spite of Common Sense it may be done.

_Law_. Propose the method.

_Fireb_. Here, survey this list.

In it you'll find a certain set of names, Whom well I know sure friends to Common Sense; These it must be our care to represent The greatest enemies to the G.o.ds and her.

But hush! the queen approaches.

_Enter_ Queen COMMON SENSE, _attended by two_ Maids of Honour.

_Fust_. What! but two maids of honour?

_Promp_. Sir, a Jew carried off the other, but I shall be able to pick up some more against the play is acted.

_Q. C. S_. My lord of Law, I sent for you this morning; I have a strange pet.i.tion given to me.

Two men, it seems, have lately been at law For an estate, which both of them have lost, And their attorneys now divide between them.

_Law_. Madam, these things will happen in the law.

_Q. C. S_. Will they, my lord? then better we had none: But I have also heard a sweet bird sing, That men unable to discharge their debts At a short warning, being sued for them, Have, with both power and will their debts to pay, Lain all their lives in prison for their costs.

_Law_. That may, perhaps, be some poor person's case, Too mean to entertain your royal ear.

_Q. C. S_. My lord, while I am queen I shall not think One man too mean or poor to be redress'd.

Moreover, lord, I am informed your laws Are grown so large, and daily yet increase, That the great age of old Methusalem Would scarce suffice to read your statutes out.

_Fireb_. Madam, a more important cause demands Your royal care; strange omens have appear'd; Sights have been seen, and voices have been heard, The G.o.ds are angry, and must be appeas'd; Nor do I know to that a readier way Than by beginning to appease their priests, Who groan for power, and cry out after honour.

_Q. C. S_. The G.o.ds, indeed, have reason for their anger, And sacrifices shall be offer'd to them; But would you make 'em welcome, priest, be meek, Be charitable, kind, nor dare affront The Sun you worship, while yourselves prevent That happiness to men you ask of him.

_Enter an_ Officer.

_Q. C. S_. What means this hasty message in your looks?

_Offic_. Forgive me, madam, if my tongue declares News for your sake, which most my heart abhors; Queen Ignorance is landed in your realm, With a vast power from Italy and France Of singers, fidlers, tumblers, and rope-dancers.

_Q. C. S_. Order our army instantly to get Themselves in readiness; our self will head 'em.

My lords, you are concerned as well as we T'oppose this foreign force, and we expect You join us with your utmost levies straight.

Go, priest, and drive all frightful omens hence; To fright the vulgar they are your pretence, But sure the G.o.ds will side with Common Sense.

[_Exit c.u.m suis_.

_Fireb_. They know their interest better; or at least Their priests do for 'em, and themselves. Oh! lords, This queen of Ignorance, whom you have heard Just now described in such a horrid form, Is the most gentle and most pious queen; So fearful of the G.o.ds, that she believes Whate'er their priests affirm. And by the Sun, Faith is no faith if it falls short of that.

I'd be infallible; and that, I know, Will ne'er be granted me by Common Sense: Wherefore I do disclaim her, and will join The cause of Ignorance. And now, my lords, Each to his post. The rostrum I ascend; My lord of Law, you to your courts repair; And you, my good lord Physick, to the queen; Handle her pulse, potion and pill her well.

_Phys_. Oh! my good lord, had I her royal ear, Would she but take the counsel I would give, You'd need no foreign power to overthrow her: Yes, by the G.o.ds! I would with one small pill Unhinge her soul, and tear it from her body; But to my art and me a deadly foe, She has averr'd, ay, in the publick court, That Water Gruel is the best physician; For which, when she's forgiven by the college, Or when we own the sway of Common Sense, May we be forced to take our own prescriptions!

_Fireb_. My lord of Physick, I applaud thy spirit.

Yes, by the Sun, my heart laughs loud within me, To see how easily the world's deceived; To see this Common Sense thus tumbled down By men whom all the cheated nations own To be the strongest pillars of her throne.

[_Exeunt_ FIREB., LAW, _and_ PHYS.

_Fust_. Thus ends the first act, sir.

_Sneer_. This tragedy of yours, Mr Fustian, I observe to be emblematical; do you think it will be understood by the audience?

_Fust_. Sir, I cannot answer for the audience; though I think the panegyrick intended by it is very plain and very seasonable.

_Sneer_. What panegyrick?

_Fust_. On our clergy, sir, at least the best of them, to shew the difference between a heathen and a Christian priest. And, as I have touched only on generals, I hope I shall not be thought to bring anything improper on the stage, which I would carefully avoid.

_Sneer_. But is not your satire on law and physick somewhat too general?

_Fust_. What is said here cannot hurt either an honest lawyer or a good physician; and such may be, nay, I know such are: if the opposites to these are the most general I cannot help that; as for the professors themselves, I have no great reason to be their friend, for they once joined in a particular conspiracy against me.

_Sneer_. Ah, how so?

_Fust_. Why, an apothecary brought me in a long bill, and a lawyer made me pay it.

_Sneer_. Ha, ha, ha! a conspiracy, indeed!

_Fust_. Now, sir, for my second act; my tragedy consists but of three.

_Sneer_. I thought that had been immethodical in tragedy.

_Fust_. That may be; but I spun it out as long as I could keep Common Sense alive; ay, or even her ghost. Come, begin the second act.

_The scene draws and discovers_ QUEEN COMMON SENSE _asleep_.

_Sneer_. Pray, sir, who's that upon the couch there?

_Fust_. I thought you had known her better, sir: that's Common Sense asleep.

_Sneer_. I should rather have expected her at the head of her army.

_Fust_. Very likely, but you do not understand the practical rules of writing as well as I do; the first and greatest of which is protraction, or the art of spinning, without which the matter of a play would lose the chief property of all other matter, namely, extension; and no play, sir, could possibly last longer than half an hour. I perceive, Mr Sneerwell, you are one of those who would have no character brought on but what is necessary to the business of the play.--Nor I neither--But the business of the play, as I take it, is to divert, and therefore every character that diverts is necessary to the business of the play.