_Fust_. That will, indeed, surprise me.

_Trap_. Sir, you are not the first man my writings have surprised. But what's become of all our players?--Here, who begins the second act?--Prompter!

_Enter_ 1st Player.

_I Play_. Sir, the prompter and most of the players are drinking tea in the green-room.

_Trap_. Mr Fustian, shall we drink a dish of tea with them?

Come, sir, as you have a part in my play, you shall drink a dish with us.

_I Play_. Sir, I dare not go into the green-room; my salary is not high enough: I shall be forfeited if I go in there.

_Trap_. Pshaw! come along; your sister has merit enough for herself and you too: if they forfeit you, I'll warrant she'll take it off again.

ACT II.

SCENE I.--_Enter_ TRAPWIT, FUSTIAN, Prompter, Lord PLACE, Mrs and Miss Mayoress.

_Trap_. I am afraid, Mr Fustian, you have hitherto suspected that I was a dabbler in low comedy; now, sir, you shall see some scenes of politeness and fine conversation among the ladies. Come, my lord, come, begin.

_Place_. Pray, Mrs Mayoress, what do you think this lace cost a yard?

_Fust_. A very pretty beginning of polite conversation, truly.

_Trap_. Sir, in this play I keep exactly up to nature, nor is there anything said in this scene that I have not heard come out of the mouths of the finest people of the age. Sir, this scene has cost me ten shillings in chair-hire, to keep the best company, as it is called.

_Mrs M_. Indeed, my lord, I cannot guess it at less than ten pounds a yard.

_Place_. Pray, madam, was you at the last ridotto?

_Fust_. Ridotto! the devil! a country mayoress at a ridotto!

Sure, that is out of character, Mr Trapwit!

_Trap_. Sir, a conversation of this nature cannot be earned on without these helps; besides, sir, this country mayoress, as you call her, may be allowed to know something of the town; for you must know, sir, that she has been woman to a woman of quality.

_Fust_. I am glad to hear that.

_Mrs M_. Oh, my lord! mention not those dear ridottos to me, who have been confined these twelve long months in the country; where we have no entertainment but a set of hideous strolling players; nor have I seen any one human creature till your lordship came to town. Heaven send us a controverted election! then I shall go to that dear delightful place once more.

_Miss M_. Yes, mama, and then we shall see Faribelly, the strange man-woman that they say is with child; and the fine pictures of Merlin's cave at the playhouses; and the rope-dancing and the tumbling.

_Fust_. By miss's taste I believe she has been bred up under a woman of quality too.

_Place_. I cannot but with pleasure observe, madam, the polite taste miss shows in her choice of entertainments; I dare swear she will be much admired in the beau monde, and I don't question but will be soon taken into keeping by some man of quality.

_Miss M_. Keeping, my lord?

_Place_. Ay, that surprize looks well enough in one so young, that does not know the world; but, miss, every one now keeps and is kept; there are no such things as marriages now-a-days, unless merely Smithfield contracts, and that for the support of families; but then the husband and wife both take into keeping within a fortnight.

_Mrs M_. My lord, I would have my girl act like other young ladies; but she does not know any men of quality, who shall introduce her to 'em?

_Place_. That, madam, must be your part; you must take a house and see company; in a little while you may keep an a.s.sembly, and play at cards as high as you can; and almost all the money that is won must be put into the box, which you must call _paying for the cards_; though it is indeed paying for your candles, your cloaths, your lodgings, and, in short, everything you have. I know some persons who make a very considerable figure in town, whose whole estate lies in their card-box.

_Mrs M_. And have I been so long contented to be the wife of a poor country tradesman, when I might have had all this happiness?

_Fust_. How comes this lady, Mr Trapwit, considering her education, to be so ignorant of all these things?

_Trap_. 'Gad, that's true; I had forgot her education, faith, when I writ that speech; it's a fault I sometimes fall into--a man ought to have the memory of a devil to remember every little thing; but come, go on, go on--I'll alter it by and by.

_Place_. Indeed, madam, it is a miserable state of life; I hope we shall have no such people as tradesmen shortly; I can't see any use they are of: if I am chose, I'll bring in a bill to extirpate all trade out of the nation.

_Mrs M_. Yes, my lord, that would do very well amongst people of quality who don't want money.

_Fust_. Again! Sure Mrs Mayoress knows very little of people of quality, considering she has lived amongst them.

_Trap_. Lord, sir, you are so troublesome. Then she has not lived amongst people of quality, she has lived where I please; but suppose we should suppose she had been woman to a lady of quality, may we not also suppose she was turned away in a fortnight, and then what could she know, sir? Go on, go on.

_Place_. Alack-a-day, madam, when I mention trade, I only mean low, dull, mechanick trade, such as the canaille practise; there are several trades reputable enough, which people of fashion may practise; such as gaming, intriguing, voting, and running in debt.

_Trap_. Come, enter a servant, and whisper my lord.

[_Enter a_ Servant.] Pray, sir, mind your cue of entrance.

[_Exit_ Servant.

_Place_. Ladies, a particular affair obliges me to lose so good company. I am your most obedient servant.

[_Exit_.

_Mrs M_. He is a prodigious fine gentleman.

_Miss M_. But must I go into keeping, mama?

_Mrs M_. Child, you must do what's in fashion.

_Miss M_. But I have heard that's a naughty thing.

_Mrs M_. That can't be if your betters do it; people are punished for doing naughty things, but people of quality are never punished; therefore they never do any naughty things.

_Fust_. An admirable syllogism, and quite in character.

_Trap_. Pshaw, dear sir! don't trouble me with character; it's a good thing; and if it's a good thing, what signifies who says it?--Come, enter the mayor drunk.

_Enter_ Mayor.

_May_. Liberty and property, and no excise, wife.