The Toad in the Bed I AM DESOLATE SO I am taking up my pen. I had said I would only do so when there was something interesting to write about. I did not think it would be heartbreak. I am so hurt, so humiliated and I think above all angry. My anger is none the less fierce because I hide it from the world; it is like a fire inside me, a banked-up fire which is waiting for the moment to burst forth, and when it does I believe I should be capable of killing the one who has brought me to this state.

I put down my pen then and wrung my hands together; I wished that it were her neck I had in my hands. They are very strong, my hands. I could always do things with them that Angelet could not attempt.

At this time I am only half believing it. I say to myself: It can't be true. But in my heart I know it is. Grandfather was a prophet when he said she would bring disaster to us. He was thinking of me, I know, because Grandfather has a special feeling for me. There is a bond between us. I think I know what it is, for it is a need, a desire, which he himself possessed and which came down through him to me. I appear outwardly quiet ... quieter than Angelet, but internally I am not.

If I had not been as I am, this would not have happened to me. I should not have lain with Bastian in the forest and have revelled in that wild exultation which I could no more resist than he could. I used to think that if we were discovered they would blame him; they would say he had seduced me; he was older than I and I was little more than a child. But it would not be true. I was the one who had tempted him-artlessly, subtly, it was true. He used to kiss me and be frightened by the kisses I gave him in return; I would caress him in such a manner as to arouse his desires. He thought it was innocence which made me do these things. He didn't understand that virgin though I was, at that time I was possessed by a raging desire to be possessed.

When I was fourteen years old I knew that I wanted Bastian to be my lover. He had singled me out as his favourite and this endeared him to me, for although we were so much alike people were more comfortable in Angelet's company. She was not prettier than I ... how could she be when most people did not know which of us was which? It was something in her manner. When I pretended to be her-it was our favourite game to delude people into thinking one of us was the other-I could a.s.sume her nature: open, thoughtless, chattering without thinking very much what she was saying, light-hearted, believing the best of everyone, and being easy to deceive because of that. I just had to think of Angelet's ways to be her. But she never really succeeded in being me, because if she lived to a hundred she would never know this deep sensuality which was the strongest force in my nature and which was why Bastian and I had become lovers when I was but fifteen years old and he was twenty-two.

The first time it happened we were riding in the woods near Castle Paling where I was staying with my mother and sister. A party of us had gone out riding and Bastian and I slipped away from the others. We came to a thicket and I said the horses were tired and we should give them a rest.

Bastian said, Nonsense. We had not long left the castle. But I dismounted and tied my horse to a tree and he did the same. I lay down on the gra.s.s and looked at him standing above me. Then suddenly he was lying beside me and I took his hand and held it against my breast. I remember how his body shook with his heartbeats and how excited I was. And then he was beside me, saying: 'We must go, Bersaba. Dear little Bersaba, we must go back.'

But I had no intention of going back, and I put my arms about him and told him I loved him because he loved me more than he loved Angelet. And all he could say was: 'No, Bersaba, we must go. You don't understand.'

I understood perfectly but he would not know that. He was the one who did not understand. I knew then that there are people who are born with knowledge and I was one of them. There was one of the servants-we called her Ginny-who was the same. I had heard the servants say that she had had lovers since she was eleven years old. But perhaps I was not the same, for I did not want lovers: I wanted my cousin Bastian.

Afterwards Bastian was frightened. When we stood up beside our horses he took my face in his hands and kissed me.

He said: 'We must never do that again, Bersaba. It was wrong, and when you are old enough I'm going to marry you, and if necessary before.'

I was happy then but Bastian wasn't. I thought he would betray what had happened by his mournful looks. For some time he would take great pains not to be with me. I would look at him with hurt and yearning eyes, and then one day it happened again, and again he said: 'It must never happen like that until we are married.'

But it did. It became a ritual, and afterwards he would always say that we were going to be married.

I thought of Bastian all day. My sketchbook was full of sketches of him. I could not wait until the day I would be old enough to marry him.

He said: 'We shall be married on your birthday and announce our intentions six months before.'

I used to think: I shall be married before Angelet is. Another of my characteristics which is almost as strong as my sensuality is the need to better Angelet. She is my sister, my twin, so like me that many cannot tell one from the other, and she is important to me. Sometimes I feel that she is part of me. I love her, I suppose, for she is necessary to me. I should hate it if she went away, and yet there is an insane desire within me always to better her. I must do everything better than she can or I suffer. People must prefer me or I am consumed with jealousy-and as she has this open, sunny, frank manner and mine is dark and devious, it is often that they turn to her.

Once when we were very young my mother bought us sashes for our dresses-mine was red and Angelet's blue. 'We shall now be able to tell you apart,' she had said jokingly. And when I saw Angelet in the blue and how people turned to her first and talked to her more than they did to me, I became obsessed by the blue sash and it seemed to me that there was some magic in it. I took her blue sash and told her she could have my red one. She refused this, saying that the blue was hers. And one day I went to the drawer in which the sashes were kept and I cut the blue one into shreds.

Our mother was bewildered. She talked to me a great deal, asking me why I had done this, but I did not know how to put my thoughts into words.

Then she said to me, 'You thought the blue one was better because it was Angelet's. You were envious of her blue sash, and you see what you have done. There is now no blue sash for either of you. There are seven deadly sins, Bersaba.' She told me what they were. 'And the greatest of these is envy. Curb it, my dear child, for envy hurts those who bear it far more than those against whom it is directed. You see, you are more unhappy about the blue sash than your sister is.'

I pondered that. It was true, because Angelet had forgotten the sash in a day, though it lived on in my memory. But the incident did nothing to curb my envy. It grew from that to what it is today. It's like a parasite growing round an oak tree and the oak tree is my love and need of my sister-for I do love her; she is a part of me. Nature, I think, divided certain qualities and gave her some and me the others. In so many ways we are so distinctly different, and it is only my secretive nature that prevents this being obvious, for I am certain that no one has any idea of the dark thoughts which go on in my mind.

After Carlotta and her mother had arrived Angelet came up to our room. She was very uneasy, because although she had no idea of the nature of my relationship with Bastian, she knew that I admired him and sought his company and he mine.

She looked at me anxiously. How relieved I am that I am not one of those girls who shed tears at the slightest provocation. I cry with rage sometimes; never the soft sentimental tears which Angelet gives way to. A sad story will bring the tears to her eyes, but they are easy tears, for she will have forgotten what made her cry a very short time afterwards.

'What do you think of it?' she cried. 'Carlotta and Bastian!'

I shrugged my shoulders, but that couldn't deceive even Angelet.

'Of course,' she went on, making an effort not to look at me, 'he is getting old and I suppose it's time he married. He was bound to marry sooner or later. But Carlotta! Why, she has only been there a week or so. What do you think of her, Bersaba?'

'I suppose she is very attractive,' I said calmly.

'It's a strange sort of attraction,' said Angelet. 'There's something odd about her ... and about her mother. I wonder if it's true that her grandmother was a witch.'

Horrible pictures came into my mind, but I did nothing to suppress them because they soothed me.

Once, when I was about twelve years old, we had been riding with our mother and some of the grooms and we had come upon a shouting mob. There had been a woman in their midst and she was not such an old woman either. Her clothes were torn from her body and she was half naked, but it was the look of abject terror in her face which I had never forgotten. The crowd was chanting, 'Hang the witch. Hang the witch.' I don't think I ever saw such fear in any face, before or after.

My mother had said: 'We will go now.' She turned her horse, and we rode off at speed in the opposite direction from that in which we had been going. 'These things happen,' she told us, 'but it will not always be so. People will become more enlightened.'

I wanted to ask questions but my mother said: 'We won't speak of it any more, Bersaba. We'll forget it. It's unpleasant; it exists; but in time people will be wiser. We can do no good by talking of it, thinking of it ...'

That was the att.i.tude in our home. If there was anything unpleasant one did not think of it. If my mother had a fault it was pretending that things were so much better than they were. She told herself every time my father went away that he would come safely back. She was wise in a way; but it had never been mine to pretend, even to myself. I look straight into my heart, soul and mind and ask myself why I did such a thing. I think I know myself better than my mother or Angelet will ever know themselves because of this side of my nature which demands the truth however unpleasant or detrimental to myself.

Afterwards I went back to that lane and I saw the woman hanging there. It was a gruesome sight, for the crows were attacking her. Her hair was long and I could see even then that she had been a beautiful woman. It was beastly; it was vile; it haunted me for a long time; but at least it was reality.

And now I was thinking of Carlotta in the hands of that mob, Carlotta being dragged to that tree. Her grandmother was a witch ... Perhaps she was. Perhaps that accounted for the manner in which she had taken Bastian from me. She had cast some spell upon him. An odd excitement possessed me and I felt better than I had since I had heard.

I said: 'Is witchcraft something that is handed down from grandmother to mother and then on and on, I wonder?'

Angelet looked happy because she had come to the conclusion in her light let's-see-the-best-of-everything manner that my childish fondness for Bastian had not gone as deep as she feared. One of the lovable things about Angelet had always been that my trouble had been hers. I looked at her now with a kind of contempt-which might have been another form of envy, for I admitted it must be pleasant to sail through life without these intense feelings which beset people like myself-as she answered: 'Perhaps it is. Oh, I do wonder if Carlotta is a witch.'

'It would be interesting to find out,' I said.

'How?' she asked.

'We could think about that,' I suggested.

'There are good witches as well as bad ones,' Angelet said, in keeping with her nature immediately bestowing benign qualities on the woman who had stolen my lover. 'They cure you of warts and styes and give you love potions to enslave a lover. I believe that if you have bad luck some witches can help you find illwishers who could be causing that bad luck. I was talking to Ginny the other day. She knows a lot about witches. She's always fancying herself ill-wished.'

'We'll talk to Ginny,' I said, and all sorts of thoughts were whirling round in my head; they soothed me.

'I wonder if Bastian knows,' giggled Angelet. 'You'd better ask him.'

'Why don't you?'

'Oh, you know he always liked you best.'

'Did he show it then?'

'You know he did. Wasn't he always losing himself with you in the woods?'

Now she must see. Her words stabbed me as though they were knife blades. Riding in the woods with him, his pursuing me, intending to be caught, lying on the gra.s.s among the bracken ... His voice: 'This is madness. What if we were seen?' And not caring because it was so important, so necessary to us both.

And now ... Carlotta.

I said fiercely: 'I'm going to find out if she's a witch.'

'We will,' replied Angelet blithely. She would be less blithe when they took Carlotta down the lane, when they stripped her clothes from her, when they hung her up by the neck and the crows came.

It was difficult hiding the fact that I was so stunned. Carlotta knew that I had been fond of Bastian, but did she know how far that fondness had carried us? The more I thought of that the more angry I became. I thought of the insult, the humiliation; I, Bersaba Landor, to be cast aside. And his own cousin too. He must have been completely bewitched.

Carlotta was watching me as a cat watches a mouse, teasing me in the same way, patting me with her paw, letting me run a little way then clawing me back. I comforted myself with the thought that she didn't know how wounded I was. I was sure she thought I had had a little girl fondness for Bastian and that I, childish like Angelet, was just a little hurt because he no longer paid me the same attention.

At supper that night Fennimore sat at the head of the table and Carlotta turned her langorous eyes on him. Fennimore was made in the image of his father, and as Carlotta was engaged to marry his cousin Bastian, it would not occur to Fennimore to be aware of her fascination. Like my parents, my brother created a sense of security and made even me think that whatever happened, this would always be my home and my parents would shelter and protect me.

Carlotta talked of her coming marriage and what it would mean to her.

'I hesitate,' she said. 'I am not sure that I would wish to be buried in the country.'

'You'll get used to it,' said Fennimore easily. 'Bastian will be involved with the estates and that can be a full-time job, I a.s.sure you.'

'When we were in Madrid we went to Court often. I am already beginning to find it somewhat dull here.'

'Then,' said Angelet logically, 'you should not marry Bastian, unless you have other interests.' Angelet looked slyly at me, and I thought: Oh no, sister, not now.

'What interests are there in the country?'

'There's riding, for one thing. You can ride far more in the country than in the town. There are exciting things ... like the May revels and Christmas when we bring in the holly and the ivy. We do have the occasional ball.'

'They are nothing like the Court b.a.l.l.s, I do a.s.sure you,' said Carlotta coldly.

'There are exciting things, though,' insisted Angelet, 'like going to see the witch of the woods.'

'Who's that?'

'They hanged her some time ago,' said Angelet soberly, 'but there'll be another. There are always witches.'

'What do you know of them?' Carlotta was animated.

'That they do all sorts of interesting things, don't they, Bersaba?'

'They sell their souls to Satan in return for special powers on earth which enable them to get what they want.'

'It's strange,' said Fennimore, 'that witches so often seem to be ugly old women. If they could have what they want you'd think they'd be beautiful.'

'Perhaps there are some beautiful ones,' said Carlotta.

I thought exultantly: She is. I am sure she is.

'My grandmother was said to be a witch and I never saw a more beautiful woman,' she went on.

'I wonder,' I said slowly, 'if witchcraft powers are pa.s.sed down through families.'

Carlotta looked steadily at me: 'I think that could be very likely,' she replied, and I knew that she wanted me to think that she had special powers, powers to get what she wanted-attract people to her, for instance, take them away from those whom they loved by making herself irresistible.

Fennimore-how typical of him-evidently considered the subject unsuitable for his young sisters and determinedly and deliberately changed it.

I didn't listen to what was said. I was excited and felt better than I had since I had heard the news.

Two days after Carlotta and Senara had come to Trystan Priory Bastian rode over. I saw him from one of the castle windows and I did not know what to do. Part of me wanted to run to our room and shut myself in, but it was Angelet's room too and how could I shut her out? Another part of me wanted to go down to him, to rage at him, to abuse him, to tell him that I hated him.

Neither of these actions could I take, and there is another trait in my character which I don't quite know whether I should be grateful for or deplore. When something good or bad happens I seem to stand outside the event, to look in and watch myself and others, so that whatever my feelings I can always curb them and ask myself what action will bring most advantage to me. Angelet never stops to think; she does what comes naturally. If she is angry her anger bursts forth, so does her joy. I sometimes think it would be easier for me if I were like that. As at this time. If I did what was natural-either to go to my room and burst into floods of tears or go down and abuse Bastian-people would know what I was feeling. But being myself, even in my most abject misery and hatred, and feeling everything so much more intensely than Angelet ever could, I must be outwardly calm and say: What is the best thing for me to do? And by best I always mean advantageous to myself.

So now I pondered, and I decided that I would go away from the house, so that if he looked for me he would be unable to find me. That would give me time to think.

I quickly changed into my riding-habit and went down to the stables, saddled my mare and rode out. As the wind brushed my face and caught at the hair under my riding-hat, I could smell the dampness of the earth, for it had been raining in the night. I felt the tears coming to my eyes, and I knew that if I could have cried I should have felt relieved to some extent. But I would not cry. Instead I nursed my anger. I thought of the insult to my pride, and I knew that I had loved Bastian because he had noticed me more and liked me better than my sister and that it was my pride which had made me love him; now he had wounded that pride he had taken away my reason for loving him and I hated him. I wanted to hurt him as he had hurt me.

I heard a small voice within me saying: 'You never loved Bastian. You loved only yourself.'

And I knew it was true and I wished that I were like Angelet who never probed her own secret mind as I did.

I went down the old pack-horse track where the flowers on the blackberry bushes were out in abundance, and where we came with our dishes at the end of summer and gathered them so that they could make preserves in the stillroom. I started to gallop past the fields of deep green wheat and I came to the woods-the woods where I had lain with Bastian when he visited us at Trystan Priory. The foxgloves were flowering there. Angelet and I once gathered them and took them into the house, and old Sarah who worked in the kitchens said they were poison flowers and witches knew how to brew a potion from them to make you sleep forever.

I would like to make Carlotta sleep forever.

I was wrong to have come to the woods where there were too many memories. I thought of the last time we had been here together. It was six months ago-in January-and the trees were bare-lacy branches seen against a grey sky. How beautiful they had been; more beautiful, I had said to Bastian, than they were in summer.

'I'd rather have the leaves to shelter us,' he had said. 'It's dangerous here.'

'Nonsense,' I had replied. 'Who'd come to the woods in winter?'

'We did.'

It was cold, I remember-the wind was chill; but I said to him: 'While our love is warm, what matters it?'

And we laughed and were happy and he said: 'This time next winter we shall announce our betrothal.' And it was an enchanted afternoon.

When we rode back I pointed out the points of yellow in the jasmine which climbed over one of the cottages we pa.s.sed.

'Promise of spring,' said Bastian. It seemed significant. The future was full of promise for us.

Why did I want to come here to revive memories? Better to have stayed in the house.

Then I saw a man riding towards me, and I felt a sudden quiver of alarm because I was doing what was forbidden-riding out alone. I spurred up my horse and, turning off the road, broke into a canter across the meadow. My alarm intensified, for the man who had been on the road was coming across the meadow in my direction.

There is nothing to fear, I admonished myself. Why should he not come this way?

I seemed to hear my mother's voice. 'I never want you girls to go out alone. It is all right if Fennimore or Bastian is with you. But always make sure that there are two grooms at least.'

He had ridden past me and was pulling up his horse. Strangely enough my fear had left me; excitement took its place, for the rider was no ruffian. Far from it. He was elegant in the extreme and a stranger, for we did not often see such gentlemen in the country.

I noticed his hat first because he swept it off and turned to me, waved it in his hand as he bowed his head; it was of black felt, broad-brimmed, and adorned with a beautiful white feather which trailed over the brim. His hair-light brown, almost golden, curled at the tips-fell to his shoulders. We did not wear our hair like that in the country, yet I had heard that it was the latest fashion. Fennimore had laughed at the time and said he would never wear his hair like a girl. But I had to admit that if the face it framed was manly enough the effect was not effeminate. His doublet was black, with wide sleeves caught in at a cuff with lace edges; his breeches were of black material that had a look of satin; and he wore square-toed boots fitting up to his leg to just below his knees. I suppose I noticed his appearance so minutely because I had never seen anyone like him before.

'Your pardon, mistress,' he said. 'I would ask your help. Do you live hereabouts and know the country?'

'I do,' I answered.

'I am looking for Trystan Priory, which I believe is in this neighbourhood.'