FOMiNISHNA. Lord! I'm past sixty, and how many weddings I've seen; but I've never seen anything so shameful as this.

AGRAFeNA KONDRaTYEVNA. What do you mean, you murderers; do you want to dishonor the girl?

BOLSHoV. Yes, much I have to listen to your high-falutin' talk. I've decided to marry my daughter to a clerk, and I'll have my way, and don't you dare argue; I don't give a hang for anybody. Come now, we'll go take a snack; but just let them kid each other, and maybe they'll make it up somehow or other.

RISPOLoZHENSKY. Let's go, Samson Silych, and you and I, for company, will just take a thimbleful. Yes, yes, Agrafena Kondratyevna, that's the first duty, that children should obey their parents. We didn't start that custom, and we shan't see the last of it.

_They all rise and go out except_ LiPOCHKA, PODKHALYuZIN, _and_ AGRAFeNA KONDRaTYEVNA.

LiPOCHKA. Mamma, what does this mean? Does he want to make a cook of me?

[_She weeps_.

PODKHALYuZIN. Mamma, ma'am! Such a son-in-law as will respect you and, naturally, make your old age happy, aside from me you won't find, ma'am.

AGRAFeNA KONDRaTYEVNA. How are you going to do that, my dear?

PODKHALYuZIN. Mamma, ma'am! G.o.d has made me aspire so high, ma'am for this reason, ma'am, because the other fellow, mamma, will turn you down flat, ma'am; but I, till I land in my coffin [_weeps_], must have feeling, ma'am!

AGRAFeNA KONDRaTYEVNA. Ah, saints alive! But how can this be?

BOLSHoV. [_Through the door_] Wife, come here!

AGRAFeNA KONDRaTYEVNA. Coming, my dear, coming!

PODKHALYuZIN. Mamma, you remember the word I said just now!

AGRAFeNA KONDRaTYEVNA _goes out_.

SCENE V

LiPOCHKA _and_ PODKHALYuZIN

_Silence_

PODKHALYuZIN. Olimpiada Samsonovna, ma'am! Olimpiada Samsonovna! I suppose you abominate me? Say only one word, ma'am! Just let me kiss your little hand!

LiPOCHKA. You blockhead, you ignorant lout!

PODKHALYuZIN. But why, Olimpiada Samsonovna, do you want to insult me, ma'am?

LiPOCHKA. I'll tell you once, now and forever, that I won't marry you, and I won't!

PODKHALYuZIN. That's just as you please, ma'am! Love can't be forced. Only here's what I want to announce to you, ma'am----

LiPOCHKA. I won't listen to you; go away from me! As if you were an educated gentleman! You see that I wouldn't marry you for anything in the world--you ought to break off yourself!

PODKHALYuZIN. Now, Olimpiada Samsonovna, you were pleased to say "break off." Only, if I should break off, what would happen then, ma'am?

LiPOCHKA. Why, the thing that would happen would be that I'd marry an aristocrat.

PODKHALYuZIN. An aristocrat, ma'am! But an aristocrat won't take you without a dowry!

LiPOCHKA. What do you mean, without dowry? What are you talking about? Just take a look and see what kind of a dowry I have; it fairly hits you in the face!

PODKHALYuZIN. Those dish-rags, ma'am? A n.o.bleman won't take dish-rags. A n.o.bleman wants it in cash, ma'am.

LiPOCHKA. What of it? Dad will give cash!

PODKHALYuZIN. All right, if he will, ma'am! But what if he hasn't any to give? You don't know about your papa's affairs, but I know 'em mighty well; your papa's a bankrupt, ma'am.

LiPOCHKA. What do you mean, bankrupt? And the house and shops?

PODKHALYuZIN. The house and shops--are mine, ma'am!

LiPOCHKA. Yours! Get out! Are you trying to make a fool of me? Look for a bigger goose than I am.

PODKHALYuZIN. But I have here some legal doc.u.ments. [_He produces them._

LiPOCHKA. So you bought them of dad?

PODKHALYuZIN. I did, ma'am!

LiPOCHKA. Where'd you get the money?

PODKHALYuZIN. Money! Glory to G.o.d, I have more money than any n.o.bleman.

LiPOCHKA. What in the world are they doing to me? They've been bringing me up all these years, and then go bankrupt! [_Silence._

PODKHALYuZIN. Now suppose, Olimpiada Samsonovna, that you married a n.o.bleman--what will that ever amount to, ma'am? Only the glory of being a lady, but not the least pleasure, ma'am. Please consider: ladies themselves often go to the market on foot, ma'am. And if they do drive out anywhere, then it's only the glory of having four horses; but the whole team ain't worth one merchant's horse. By heaven, it ain't, ma'am! And they don't dress so blamed superbly either, ma'am! But if, Olimpiada Samsonovna, you should marry me, ma'am--here's the first word: you'll wear silk gowns even at home, and visiting, and to the theatre, ma'am--and we shan't dress you in anything but velvets. In respect to hats and cloaks--we won't care what's in style with the n.o.bility, but we'll furnish you the finest ever!

We'll get horses from the Orlov stud. [_Silence_] If you have doubts on the question of my looks, then that's just as you like, ma'am; I'll put on a dress coat, and trim my beard or cut it off, according to the fashion, ma'am; that's all one to me, ma'am.

LiPOCHKA. You all talk that way before the wedding; but afterwards you cheat us.

PODKHALYuZIN. May I die on the spot, Olimpiada Samsonovna! d.a.m.nation blast me if I lie! Why should I, Olimpiada Samsonovna? D'you think we'll live in a house like this? We'll buy one in the Karetny, ma'am; and how we'll decorate it! We'll have birds of paradise on the ceilings, sirens, various Coopids[1]--people'll pay good money just to look at it.

[Footnote 1: These are not the only words that Podkhalyuzin misp.r.o.nounces; _Olimpiada_ is another.]

LiPOCHKA. They don't paint Coopids any more nowadays.

PODKHALYuZIN. Then we'll let 'em paint bokays. [_Silence_] If you'd only agree on your side, then I don't want anything more in life. [_Silence_]

How unfortunate I am, anyhow, that I can't say nice compliments.

LiPOCHKA. Why don't you talk French, Lazar Elizarych?

PODKHALYuZIN. Because there was no reason why I should. [_Silence_] Make me happy, Olimpiada Samsonovna; grant me that blessing, ma'am. [_Silence_]

Just tell me to kneel to you.