AGRAFeNA KONDRaTYEVNA. Ashamed of what, you little fool? Speak out if you need anything.

USTiNYA NAuMOVNA. Shame isn't smoke--it won't eat out your eyes.

LiPOCHKA. No, by heavens, I'm ashamed!

BOLSHoV. Well, hide your face if you're ashamed!

AGRAFeNA KONDRaTYEVNA. Do you want a new hat; is that it?

LiPOCHKA. There! you didn't guess it. No, not a hat.

BOLSHoV. Then what do you want?

LiPOCHKA. To marry a soldier!

BOLSHoV. Just listen to that!

AGRAFeNA KONDRaTYEVNA. Wake up, you shameless girl! Lord help you!

LiPOCHKA. Why--you see, others marry soldiers.

BOLSHoV. Well, let 'em marry 'em; you just sit by the sea and wait for a fair breeze.

AGRAFeNA KONDRaTYEVNA. And don't you dare give me any of your lip! I won't give you my mother's blessing.

SCENE IV

_The same and_ LaZAR, RISPOLoZHENSKY, _and_ FOMiNISHNA _in the doorway_.

RISPOLoZHENSKY. How do you do, my dear Samson Silych! How do you do, my dear Agrafena Kondratyevna! Olimpiada Samsonovna, how do you do!

BOLSHoV. How are you, old man, how are you! Do us the favor to sit down.

You sit down, too, Lazar!

AGRAFeNA KONDRaTYEVNA. Won't you have a snack? I have a relish all ready for you.

RISPOLoZHENSKY. Why shouldn't I, dear lady? I'd just like a thimbleful of something now.

BOLSHoV. Let's all go in together pretty soon; but now, meanwhile, we can have a little talk.

USTiNYA NAuMOVNA. Why not have a little talk? D'you know, my jewels, I heard--it must have been printed in the newspaper, whether it's true or not--that a second Bonaparte has been born, and it may be, my jewels----

BOLSHoV. Bonaparte's all right, but we'll trust most of all in the mercy of G.o.d; it's not a question of that now.

USTiNYA NAuMOVNA. What is it a question of, my pearl?

BOLSHoV. Why, about the fact that our years are approaching their decline; our health also is failing every minute, and the Creator alone can foresee what is ahead. So we have proposed, while we're still living, to give in marriage our only daughter; and in regard to her settlement we may hope also that she'll not bring into ill repute our resources and origin; above all, in other people's eyes.

USTiNYA NAuMOVNA. Just hear how sweetly he tells that, the jewel!

BOLSHoV. And since now our daughter is here in person, and in view of the fact that we are convinced of the honorable conduct and the sufficient means of our future son-in-law, which for us is a matter of extreme concern, in consideration of G.o.d's blessing, we hereby designate him in the presence of these witnesses. Lipa, come here.

LiPOCHKA. What do you want, daddy?

BOLSHoV. Come here to me. I shan't eat you, never fear. Well, now, Lazar, toddle up!

PODKHALYuZIN. Been ready a long time, sir!

BOLSHoV. Now, Lipa, give me your hand.

LiPOCHKA. How! What nonsense is this? Where did you get this rubbish?

BOLSHoV. Look out that I don't have to force you!

USTiNYA NAuMOVNA. Now you're catching it, young lady!

AGRAFeNA KONDRaTYEVNA. Lord! What on earth is this?

LiPOCHKA. I don't want to! I don't want to! I won't marry anything so disgusting!

FOMiNISHNA. The power of the cross be with us!

PODKHALYuZIN. Evidently, daddy, it's not for me to see happiness in this world! Evidently, sir, it can't be as you would wish!

BOLSHoV. [_Seizes_ LiPOCHKA _violently by the arm; takes_ LaZAR'S _hand_]

Why can't it, if I want it to be? What am I your father for, if not to command you? Have I fed her for nothing?

AGRAFeNA KONDRaTYEVNA. What're you doing! What're you doing! Recollect yourself!

BOLSHoV. Stay on your own side of the fence! This is none of your business!

Well, Lipa! Here's your future husband! I ask you to love and cherish him!

Sit down side by side and talk nice; and then we'll have a fine dinner and set about the wedding.

LiPOCHKA. What! Do you think I want to sit down with that b.o.o.by! What nonsense!

BOLSHoV. If you won't sit down, I'll sit you down, and put an end to your monkey-business!

LiPOCHKA. Who ever heard of educated young ladies being married off to their employees!

BOLSHoV. Better shut up! If I say so, you'll marry the porter. [_Silence_.

USTiNYA NAuMOVNA. Say, now, Agrafena Kondratyevna, if that isn't a pity!

AGRAFeNA KONDRaTYEVNA. I myself, the mother, am as much in the dark as a clothes-closet. And I can't understand what in the world has caused this!