PODKHALYuZIN. Oh, able to be around, ma'am.

[_He sits down_.

USTiNYA NAuMOVNA. I'll capture a little mamzelle for you if you want me to.

PODKHALYuZIN. Thank you kindly--I don't need one yet.

USTiNYA NAuMOVNA. If you don't want one yourself, my jewel, I'll do a good turn for your friends. I suppose you have friends around town, a whole pack.

PODKHALYuZIN. I have quite a few, ma'am.

USTiNYA NAuMOVNA. Well, if you have, thank the Lord! If you know of a marriageable man, whether he's a bachelor, unmarried, or a widower--drag him straight to me.

PODKHALYuZIN. Will you find him a wife?

USTiNYA NAuMOVNA. I will. Why shouldn't I find him a wife? I'll do it in a jiffy.

PODKHALYuZIN. That's very fine, ma'am, But now I ask you, Ustinya Naumovna, why do you come here to us so confoundedly often?

USTiNYA NAuMOVNA. What's that to you? Why shouldn't I come? I'm no thief, no sheep without a name. What do you mean by that question?

PODKHALYuZIN. But, really, aren't you wasting your time coming?

USTiNYA NAuMOVNA. Wasting my time? Where did you get that idea, my jewel?

Just see here, what sort of a husband I've found: an aristocrat, has peasants, and a fine young man.

PODKHALYuZIN. Why has the thing come to a halt, ma'am?

USTiNYA NAuMOVNA. It hasn't come to a halt! He wanted to come to-morrow to get acquainted. So we'll hitch him up, and it'll all be over.

PODKHALYuZIN. Hitch him up, try it--he'll give you the slip.

USTiNYA NAuMOVNA. What's the matter, are you in your right mind, my jewel?

PODKHALYuZIN. You'll see!

USTiNYA NAuMOVNA. May I die before to-night, but you're either drunk, my jewel, or you've wandered clean out of your head.

PODKHALYuZIN. Be so good as not to trouble yourself about that; you look out for yourself; but I know what I know.

USTiNYA NAuMOVNA. Well, what do you know?

PODKHALYuZIN. No matter what I know, ma'am.

USTiNYA NAuMOVNA. If you know something, tell me what it is: I suppose your tongue won't fall off.

PODKHALYuZIN. That's the point of the thing--that I can't tell it.

USTiNYA NAuMOVNA. Why can't you? Why do you hesitate to tell me, my jewel?

Go ahead, talk--it doesn't matter what it is.

PODKHALYuZIN. It's not a matter of conscience. But if I tell you, of course you'll go and blab!

USTiNYA NAuMOVNA. Curst if I do! You may chop off my hand!

PODKHALYuZIN. That's it, ma'am; a promise is better than money.

USTiNYA NAuMOVNA. Of course. Well, what do you know?

PODKHALYuZIN. Here's what, Ustinya Naumovna: isn't it possible to throw over that suitor you've found, ma'am?

USTiNYA NAuMOVNA. What's the matter with you; are you gone daft?

PODKHALYuZIN. Gone daft nothing, ma'am! But if you want to have a heart-to-heart talk, honor bright, ma'am; then here's the sort of thing it is, ma'am: at my house there's a certain Russian merchant I know, who is very much in love with Olimpiada Samsonovna, ma'am. "No matter what I have to give," says he, "so long as I get married," says he; "I shan't grudge any sum."

USTiNYA NAuMOVNA. Why didn't you tell me about that before, my jewel?

PODKHALYuZIN. There was nothing to tell for the good reason that I only just now found out about it, ma'am.

USTiNYA NAuMOVNA. But it's late now, my jewel!

PODKHALYuZIN. And what a suitor he is, Ustinya Naumovna! He'll shower you with gold from head to foot, ma'am; he'll have a cloak made for you out of live sables.

USTiNYA NAuMOVNA. But, my dear, it's impossible! I'd be tickled to death, but I've given my word.

PODKHALYuZIN. Just as you please, ma'am! But if you betroth her to the other fellow, you'll bring such bad luck upon yourself, that you'll not get clear afterwards!

USTiNYA NAuMOVNA. But just consider yourself, how'll I have the nerve to show my face before Samson Silych? I gave it to him hot and heavy: that the fellow is rich, and handsome, and so much in love that he is half dead; and now what'll I say? You know yourself what a fellow Samson Silych is; you see he'll pull my cap over my ears before you know it.

PODKHALYuZIN. Pull your cap nothing, ma'am!

USTiNYA NAuMOVNA. And I've got the girl all worked up. Twice a day she sends to me and asks: "What's the matter with my suitor?" and, "What's he like?"

PODKHALYuZIN. But don't you run away from your own good fortune, Ustinya Naumovna. Do you want two thousand rubles and a sable cloak for merely arranging this wedding, ma'am? But let our understanding about the match be private. I tell you, ma'am, that this suitor's such a sort as you've never seen; there's only one thing, ma'am: he's not of aristocratic origin.

USTiNYA NAuMOVNA. But is she an aristocrat? Pity if she is, my jewel!

That's the way things go these days: every peasant girl is trying to worm her way into the n.o.bility.--Now, although this here Olimpiada Samsonovna--of course, G.o.d give her good health--gives presents like a princess, yet, believe me, her origin's no better than ours. Her father, Samson Silych, dealt in leather mittens on the Balchug; respectable people called him Sammy, and fed him with thumps behind the ears. And her mother, Agrafena Kondratyevna, was little more than a peasant girl, and he got her from Preobrazhenskoye. They got together some capital, climbed into the merchant cla.s.s--so the daughter has her eye peeled for the t.i.tle of princess. And all that through money. How much worse am I than she? Yet I have to trot at her heels. G.o.d knows what kind of bringing-up she's had: she walks like an elephant crawls on his belly; whether French or piano, it's a bit here and a bit there, and there's nothing to it; and when she starts to dance--I have to stuff a handkerchief in my mouth.

PODKHALYuZIN. But, look here--it'd be more proper for her to marry a merchant.

USTiNYA NAuMOVNA. But how'll I stand with the first suitor, my jewel? I've already a.s.sured him that Olimpiada Samsonovna is such a beauty, that she's the real ticket for him; "and educated," I said, "in French, and is trained in all sorts of society ways." And now what am I going to say to him?

PODKHALYuZIN. Why, just tell him also: "Now, she is a beauty, and cultivated in a good many ways; only they've lost all their money." And he'll break off himself!

USTiNYA NAuMOVNA. Well, now, that's so, my jewel! But, no, wait! You see I told him that Samson Silych is rolling in money.

PODKHALYuZIN. See here, you talk too much. But how do you know how much money Samson Silych has; you haven't counted it, have you?

USTiNYA NAuMOVNA. Ask anybody you please; every one knows that Samson Silych is the richest sort of merchant.