RISPOLoZHENSKY. Some other time, Agrafena Kondratyevna, some other time I'll finish telling; I'll run in some day about dusk and tell you about it fully.

BOLSHoV. What's the matter with you; trying to be sanctimonious? Ha, ha, ha! It's time you came to!

AGRAFeNA KONDRaTYEVNA. There, now, you're beginning! You won't let us have a heart-to-heart talk together.

BOLSHoV. Heart-to-heart talk! Ha, ha, ha! But you just ask him how his case was lost from court; there's the story he'll tell you better.

RISPOLoZHENSKY. On the contrary, it was not lost! That's not true, Samson Silych!

BOLSHoV. Then what did they turn you out for?

RISPOLoZHENSKY. This is why, my dear Agrafena Kondratyevna. I took one case home with me from the court; on the way my friend and I just stepped aside--mortal man is weak; well, you understand--if you'll permit me to say it, into the wine-shop, so to speak. I left it there, and when I was rather tipsy, I suppose, I forgot it. What of that? It might happen to anybody.

Afterwards, my dear lady, they missed that case in court; we looked and looked, and I went home twice with the bailiff--still we couldn't find it.

They wanted to bring me to trial, but suddenly I remembered: it must be, now, I forgot that thing and left it in the wine-shop. I went there with the bailiff, and there it was.

AGRAFeNA KONDRaTYEVNA. I declare! That may happen to a sober man as well as to one who drinks. What a pity!

BOLSHoV. How is it they didn't send you off to Kamchatka?

RISPOLoZHENSKY. To Kamchatka! But why, permit me to ask you, why should they send me off to Kamchatka?

BOLSHoV. Why? Because you're drunk and disorderly. Do they have to show you any indulgence? Why, you'll just kill yourself drinking.

RISPOLoZHENSKY. On the contrary, they spared me. You see, my dear Agrafena Kondratyevna, they wanted to try me for that very thing--I went immediately to our general, and flopped at his feet! "Your Excellency!" I said. "Don't ruin me! I've a wife," I said, "and little children!" "Well," he said, "deuce take you; they won't strike a man when he's down: tender your resignation, so I shan't see you here." So he spared me. What now! G.o.d bless him! He doesn't forget me even now; sometimes I run in to see him on a holiday: "Well," says he, "how are you, Sysoy Psoich?" "I came, your Excellency, to wish you a happy holiday." So, I went to the Troitsa monastery not long ago, and brought him a consecrated wafer. I'll just take a thimbleful, Agrafena Kondratyevna. [_Drinks._

AGRAFeNA KONDRaTYEVNA. With my compliments, my dear sir. Ustinya Naumovna, let's you and me go out; the samovar is ready, I suppose; I'll show you that we have something new for the wedding outfit.

USTiNYA NAuMOVNA. I suppose, my jewel, you have heaps of stuff ready.

AGRAFeNA KONDRaTYEVNA. Why certainly. The new materials have come, and it seems as if we didn't have to pay money for them.

USTiNYA NAuMOVNA. What's the use of talking, my pearl! You have your own shop, and it's as if they grew in your garden. [_They go out._

SCENE X

BOLSHoV and RISPOLoZHENSKY

BOLSHoV. Well, Sysoy Psoich, I suppose you've wasted a good deal of ink in your time on this pettifoggery?

RISPOLoZHENSKY. He, he! Samson Silych, cheap goods! But I came to inquire how your business is getting on.

BOLSHoV. You did! Much you need to know! Bah, you low-down people! You bloodsuckers! Just let you scent out something or other, and immediately you sneak round with your diabolical suggestions.

RISPOLoZHENSKY. What kind of a suggestion could come from me, Samson Silych? What kind of a teacher should I be, when you yourself, perhaps, are ten times wiser than I am? I shall do what I'm asked to do. How can I help it? I'd be a hog if I didn't; because I, it may be said, am loaded with favors by you, and so are my kiddies. I'm too much of a fool to advise you; you know your own business yourself better than anybody else.

BOLSHoV. Know my own business! That's the trouble; men like me, merchants, blockheads, understand nothing; and this just serves the turn of such leeches as you. And now you'll besiege me on every side and haunt me to death.

RISPOLoZHENSKY. How can I help haunting you? If I didn't love you I wouldn't haunt you. Haven't I any feelings? Am I really a mere dumb brute?

BOLSHoV. I know that you love me--you all love us; only one can't get anything decent out of you. Here I'm worrying, worrying with this business so that I'm worn out, if you believe me, with this one anxiety. If I could only get it over with, and out of my head.

RISPOLoZHENSKY. Well, Samson Silych, you aren't the first, nor the last; aren't others doing it?

BOLSHoV. How can they help it, brother? Others are doing it. But how do they do it; without shame, without conscience! They ride in carriages with easy springs; they live in three-storied houses. One of them will build a belvedere with pillars, in which he's ashamed to show his ugly phiz; and that's the end of him, and you can't get anything out of him. These carriages will roll away, Lord knows where; all his houses are mortgaged, and all the creditors will get out of it'll be three pairs of old boots.

That's the whole story. And who is it that he'll fool? Just some poor beggars whom he'll send out into the world in nothing but their shirts. But my creditors are all rich men; what difference will it make to them?

RISPOLoZHENSKY. Naturally. Why, Samson Silych, all that is in our hands.

BOLSHoV. I know that it's in our hands; but are you equal to handling this affair? You see, you lawyers are a rum lot. Oh, I know you! You're nimble enough in words, and then you go and mess things up.

RISPOLoZHENSKY. But come now, Samson Silych, if you please: do you think this is the first time for me! As though I didn't know that already! He, he, he! Yes, I've done such things before; and they've turned out fine.

They'd have sent anybody else long ago for such jobs to the other side of nowhere.

BOLSHoV. Oho! What kind of a scheme will you get up?

RISPOLoZHENSKY. Why, we'll see--according to circ.u.mstances. I'll just take a thimbleful, Samson Silych. [_Drinks_] Now, the first thing, Samson Silych, we must mortgage the house and shops; or sell them. That's the first thing.

BOLSHoV. Yes, that positively must be done right away. But on whom shall we shove the stuff? Shall it be my wife?

RISPOLoZHENSKY. Illegal, Samson Silych! That's illegal! It is stated in the laws that such sales are not valid. It's an easy thing to do, but you'll have to see that there're no hitches afterward. If it's to be done, it must be done thoroughly, Samson Silych.

BOLSHoV. That's it: there must be no loose ends.

RISPOLoZHENSKY. If you make it over to an outsider, there's nothing they can cavil at. Let 'em try to make a row later, and try to dispute good legal papers.

BOLSHoV. But here's the trouble: when you make over your house to an outsider, maybe it'll stick to him, like a flea to a soldier.

RISPOLoZHENSKY. Well, Samson Silych, you must look for a man who knows what conscience is.

BOLSHoV. But where are you going to find him nowadays? Everybody's watching his chance these days to grab you by the collar; and here you want conscience!

RISPOLoZHENSKY. Here's my idea, Samson Silych, whether you want to listen to me or not: what sort of a fellow is your clerk?

BOLSHoV. Which one? Do you mean Lazar?

RISPOLoZHENSKY. Yes; Lazar Elizarych.

BOLSHoV. All right, Lazar; make it over to him; he's a young man with understanding, and he has some capital.

RISPOLoZHENSKY. What do you want, Samson Silych, a mortgage-deed or a purchase-deed?

BOLSHoV. Whichever you can get at the lowest interest rate'll suit me. But do the thing up brown and I'll give you such a fee, Sysoy Psoich, as'll fairly make your hair curl.

RISPOLoZHENSKY. Set your mind at rest, Samson Silych, I know my own business. But have you talked to Lazar Elizarych about this thing or not?