IT'S A FAMILY AFFAIR--WE'LL SETTLE IT OURSELVES

A COMEDY IN FOUR ACTS

CHARACTERS

SAMSoN SiLYCH BOLSHoV[1], _a merchant_

[Footnote 1: Samson Strengthson Bigman.]

AGRAFeNA KONDRaTYEVNA, _his wife_

OLIMPIaDA SAMSoNOVNA (LiPOCHKA), _their daughter_

LaZAR ELIZaRYCH PODKHALYuZIN[2], _a clerk_

[Footnote 2: Sneaky.]

USTiNYA NAuMOVNA, _a professional match-maker_

SYSoY PSoICH RISPOLoZHENSKY[3], _a lawyer_

[Footnote 3: Unfrocked.]

FOMiNISHNA, _housekeeper_ } } _in_ BOLSHoV'S _house_ TiSKA[4], boy }

[Footnote 4: A nickname for Tikhon.]

ACT I

_Drawing-room in BOLSHoV'S house_

SCENE I

_LiPOCHKA is sitting near the window with a book_

LiPOCHKA. What a pleasant occupation these dances are! Very good indeed!

What could be more delightful? You go to the a.s.sembly, or to somebody's wedding, you sit down, naturally, all beflowered like a doll or a magazine picture. Suddenly up runs a gentleman: "May I have the happiness, miss?"

Well, you see, if he's a man of wit, or a military individual, you accept, drop your eyes a little, and answer: "If you please, with pleasure!" Ah!

[_Warmly_] Most fas-ci-nat-ing! Simply beyond understanding! [_Sighs_] I dislike most of all dancing with students and government office clerks. But it's the real thing to dance with army men! Ah, charming! ravishing! Their mustaches, and epaulets, and uniforms, and on some of them even spurs with little bits of bells. Only it's killingly tiresome that they don't wear a sabre. Why do they take it off? It's strange, plague take it! The soldiers themselves don't understand how much more fascinatingly they'd shine! If they were to take a look at the spurs, the way they tinkle, especially if a uhlan or some colonel or other is showing off--wonderful! It's just splendid to look at them--lovely! And if he'd just fasten on a sabre, you'd simply never see anything more delightful, you'd just hear rolling thunder instead of the music. Now, what comparison can there be between a soldier and a civilian? A soldier! Why, you can see right off his cleverness and everything. But what does a civilian amount to? Just a dummy. [_Silence_] I wonder why it is that so many ladies sit down with their feet under their chairs. There's positively no difficulty in learning how! Although I was a little bashful before the teacher, I learned how to do it perfectly in twenty lessons. Why not learn how to dance? It's only a superst.i.tion not to. Here mamma sometimes gets angry because the teacher is always grabbing at my knees. All that comes from lack of education. What of it? He's a dancing-master and not somebody else. [_Reflecting_] I picture to myself: suddenly a soldier makes advances to me, suddenly a solemn betrothal, candles burn everywhere, the butlers enter, wearing white gloves; I, naturally, in a tulle or perhaps in a gauze gown; then suddenly they begin to play a waltz--but how confused I shall be before him! Ah, what a shame!

Then where in the world shall I hide? What will he think? "Here," he'll say, "an uneducated little fool!" But, no, how can that be! Only, you see I haven't danced for a year and a half! I'll try it now at leisure.

[_Waltzing badly_] One--two--three; one--two--three--

SCENE II

LiPOCHKA _and_ AGRAFeNA KONDRaTYEVNA

AGRAFeNA KONDRaTYEVNA. [_Entering_] Ah, ha, shameless creature! My heart told me so; before it's fairly daylight, before you've eaten G.o.d's bread, you start off dancing right away!

LiPOCHKA. Now, mamma, I've drunk my tea and eaten some curd-cakes. Look here, is this all right? One, two, three; one--two--

AGRAFeNA KONDRaTYEVNA. [_Following her_] What difference does it make if you have had something to eat? I suppose I'll have to keep watching what sinful pranks you're up to! I tell you, don't whirl around!

LiPOCHKA. Pooh! where's the sin in that! Everybody's doing it nowadays.

One, two--

AGRAFeNA KONDRaTYEVNA. Better knock your forehead against the table, but don't fiddle around with your feet. [_She runs after her_] What's the matter with you? Where did you get the idea of not obeying?

LiPOCHKA. Who told you I didn't obey? Don't meddle; let me finish the way I want to! One, two, three--

AGRAFeNA KONDRaTYEVNA. Shall I have to run after you long, old woman as I am? Ouf! You've worn me out, you barbarian! Do you hear? Stop! I'll complain to your father!

LiPOCHKA. Right away, right away, mamma! This is the last time around! G.o.d created you expressly for complaining. Much I care for you! One--two--

AGRAFeNA KONDRaTYEVNA. What! you keep on dancing, and talk impudently into the bargain! Stop it this minute! It'll be so much the worse for you; I'll grab you by the skirt, and tear off the whole train.

LiPOCHKA. Well, tear it, and much good may it do you! You'll simply have to sew it up again, and that's all there is to it! [_She sits down_] Phew!

phew! my, I'm soaked through! as if I'd been pulling a van! Ouf! Mamma, give me a handkerchief to wipe off the perspiration.

AGRAFeNA KONDRaTYEVNA. Wait, I'll wipe it off myself. You've half killed yourself! And it's just as if somebody were making you do it. Since you don't respect your mother, you might at least respect these walls. Your father, my dear, has to make a great effort even to move his legs; but you skip about here like a jumping-jack!

LiPOCHKA. Go away with your advice! How can I act according to your notions? Do you want me to get sick? That would be all right if I were a doctor's wife. Ouf! What disgusting ideas you have! Bah! What a woman you are, mamma, drat it! Honestly, I sometimes blush for your stupidity!

AGRAFeNA KONDRaTYEVNA. What a darling child you are! Just consider how you're insulting your mother! Ah, you stupid chatterbox! Is it right to dishonor your parents with such words? Was it for this I brought you into the world, taught you, and guarded you as carefully as if you were a b.u.t.terfly?

LiPOCHKA. You didn't teach me--strangers did; that'll do, if you please.

You yourself, to tell the truth, had no bringing up. What of it? You bore a child--what was I then?--a child without understanding, I didn't understand the ways of society. But I grew up, I looked upon society manners, and I saw that I was far more educated than others. Why should I show too much indulgence for your foolishness? Why, indeed! Much reason for it, I must say!

AGRAFeNA KONDRaTYEVNA. Let up, let up, you shameless girl! You'll drive me out of patience; I'll go straight to your father, throw myself at his feet, and say: "Samson, dear, there's no living because of our daughter!"

LiPOCHKA. Yes, there's no living for you! I imagine so. But do you give me any chance to live? Why did you send away my suitor? Could there have been a better match? Wasn't he a Coopid[1]? What did you find in him that was soft?

[Footnote 1: An attempt to reproduce Lipochka's illiterate p.r.o.nunciation of the Russian word.]

AGRAFeNA KONDRaTYEVNA. He was soft enough; just a grinning b.o.o.by. He came swaggering around, swaggered, strutted, strutted. What a rare bird!