I heard the gasps of the others gathered and knew they were shocked, but I couldn't help hating the sight of Jake.

"Tasha, baby, you don't mean that." My mother squeezed my shoulders and looked at Jake. "She's upset. She doesn't meana""

"I do mean it!" I pulled away from my mother and stormed over to stare up at Jake. His face still bore the traces of the bruising from where I'd battered him and I had to clench my hands into fists to keep from clawing my nails down his face. "Get out and don't come back! JR and I don't ever want to see you again."

"Mom!" JR grabbed my hand in protest. "Mom, we need Uncle Jake."

"He's not your uncle, JR. He's the man who let your father get killed!"

Jake blanched and turned and walked out of the house. I didn't see him again until the funeral. I allowed him to be a pallbearer because I knew that's what Steve would have wanted, but I refused to allow him to come back to the house afterwards.

The weeks following Steve's funeral were horrible. I fell asleep every night, reliving our last night together. I savored the remembrance of how wildly wead made love. Knowing I'd never experience that joy again was almost more than I could bear.

Jake called often, but I couldn't talk to him.

"Girl, you know that man would have died for Steve," my best friend Tia said one night after I'd again refused to take Jake's call.

"The man is white," I said bitterly. "And because of that my Steve is dead."

"What does thata"a she sighed. aYou know Steve trusted him with his life."

"And look where it got him. I don't want him anywhere near me or JR ever again."

She gave me an angry pat. "Oh, so it's all about what you want. Well, what about want JR wants and needs?"

"JR doesn't want to see him either."

"Girl, you are talking foolish and you know it. You know how JR feels about him and you know how Steve felt about him. I am not going to sit here listening to this. You know in your heart that if there was anything that man could have done to save Steve, he would have. Or have you conveniently forgotten that he got shot three years ago because he jumped in front of a bullet meant for Steve?"

"So what. It was just a scratch."

"He was in the hospital a week!"

I stared at her with angry tears streaming down my cheeks. "Fine! But this time he let him get killed!"

"Girl, get a grip. Remember he and Steve were friends since high school. How do you think he's feeling?"

I guess I knew she was right, but I needed someone to hate. And at six foot two and roughly a hundred and ninety pounds, Jake made a nice sized target. "So?"

She hugged me. "So? You know you and JR are all he has. He needs to be with you."

I shook my head. "No."

"Yes." She gripped my hands. "You've kept him away for over four months. You think that's what Steve would have wanted?"

That shook me because I knew it wasn't. Steve had often told me that Jake was like the brother he'd never had. "I don't know."

"Tash, do the right thing." She sighed, shaking her head. "If you'd talked to him just now, you would have heard howaI'm afraid for him. Call him to make sure he's all right."

"So now I'm supposed to be his keeper?"

"No. Just a friend. As he's been yours and Steve's for years. Don't you think he needs a friend right now?"

"He has other friends."

"None as close as you and Steve. You know that. Tash, the man sounded as ifayou'd better call him. Tonight. Now."

I shook my head. "I wouldn't know what to say to him. The breech between us is too wide now."

"Narrow it. Go see him."

I thought of the things I'd said to him. Things I couldn't take back. Things I didn't want to take back. "I can't leave JR alone."

"Alone? So I'm n.o.body now?" She pulled me up from the sofa. "Go see him. Stay the night if you have to. I'll stay with JR."

Jake had a small ranch on the other side of town. I knew he was home because his car was in the driveway and his house lights were on. But he didn't respond to the bell.

I wanted to go home, but deep in my heart, I knew I'd treated him badly. And I did miss him. During the past six years, he'd had dinner with us at least twice a week. He stood in for Steve at any father-son event with JR that Steve couldn't make. He sent me a dozen red roses on my birthday and sometimes for no reason at all. And he'd always provided a shoulder to cry on whenever Steve and I were fighting.

In fact, I'd once told Steve that when I needed to hear an endearment I went to Jake. Steve's idea of an endearment had been to call me "girl," in that deep voice of his that I'd loved so much. Steve had often joked that Jake called me honey so often he must think it was my name.

I rang the bell again. When he still didn't answer the door, I walked around the house and peeked in the window of his living room and nearly screamed. Jake was sprawled in a recliner with his gun in his hand, pointing it toward his body.

With a pounding heart, I ran back around to the front of the house, digging in my handbag for the key to his front door. I was shaking so hard, I couldn't get the key in the lock. "G.o.d, please! Help me!" I prayed. I stepped back from the door and took several deep breaths. When my hand was steadier, I opened the door and ran down the hall to the living room.

"Jake! Oh, G.o.d, Jake, what are you doing?!"

He didn't answer, but lifted the gun higher.

"No!" I screamed and ran across the room to his chair. "No!" I grabbed his arm and tried to wrestle the gun away.

He resisted and lifted his free hand to push me away. I stumbled back and nearly lost my balance. "Jake! Jake, what are you doing?"

When he turned to look at me, the anguished look in his eyes made me realize how badly I'd hurt him. He'd loved Steve like a brother and I'd treated him like dirt and kicked him to the curb and beat him down. Tia had been right. He needed comfort too. I hated myself.

"Jakea"what are you doing?"

"Cleaning my gun."

I'd never heard him sound so miserable and defeated. I glanced wildly around. I saw none of the paraphernalia I knew was necessary for gun cleaning. "Jakea" I bit my lip and inched forward. "What are you doing?"

He pointed a finger at me. "I'm thinking of taking care of your little problem."

"Whatawhat problem?"

He shrugged and took a deep sobbing breath that made me ache for him. "Of my being alive when Steve is dead."

My eyes filled with tears and terror filled me as I realized that I'd driven him to this point. "No! No! I didn't mean that, Jake!"

"Oh, yes you did. Don't you stand there lying to me. We both know you meant it. You want me dead. Well, d.a.m.n you, if that's what it takes to get your forgiveness, I'll give you want you want!"

"No! No!" I stumbled over to the chair, grabbing his arm. "No, you selfish b.a.s.t.a.r.d! You put that gun down! How much grief do you think me and JR can bear? We can't lose you too! You put that gun down now!"

He pushed me away again and I scrambled to my knees, fear clutching at my heart. When I realized how close he was to shooting himself, I think that's the first time I realized how much he meant to me. How much emptier I'd feel if he were dead too. "No! No! G.o.d, Jake, no! No! Oh, G.o.d, don't!"

He stared at me, his eyes filling with tears. "d.a.m.n you, Tasha! How could you shut me out of your life? How could you think for a single moment that I wouldn't have died to protect Steve? You think I would have allowed anyone to take him from you and JR if I could have prevented it? I tried, d.a.m.n it, but I couldn't reach him in time! It happened so fast. I heard the shot and when I got thereahe was lying on the ground. When I picked him up and knew he was dead, part of me died too!"

He put his free hand over his face and sobs shook his body. I was used to Jake being strong. Strong for Steve, strong for me, and strong for JR. To see him sobbing like this was more than I could stand.

"Don't. Please!" I rushed to him and wrapped my arms around him. "I'm sorry, Jake. So sorry." I reached for the gun and this time he allowed me to remove it from his hand. I put the safety on, placed it on the table out of his reach and wrapped my arms around him. "Oh, Jake. Jake, I am so sorry for hurting you."

His arms went around me and he buried his face against my b.r.e.a.s.t.s. "Oh G.o.d, I can't stand the pain anymore. I failed you and JR. I let Steve get killed!"

"No." I pulled away and cupped his face in my hands. "No. You didn't fail us. You've never failed us! It wasn't your fault, Jake. I know that. Iave always known that. I was just hurting so badlyaI needed someone to blame."

He stared up at me. "I feel empty. I have nothing and no one."

"That's not true." I stroked his damp cheeks. "You have me and JR. We need you, Jake."

"I would have died to protect him. If I could, I would have taken that bullet. I just couldn't get there in time," he said hoa.r.s.ely.

"I know that. I always have." I stroked my fingers through his dark silky hair. It was longer than he usually wore it and he looked as if he hadn't shaved in days. I sighed. "I am just soa"sorry I made this so much harder for you. Forgive me, Jake."

He stared up at me, his eyes filled with sorrow. "I'm the one who needs to be forgiven." He pulled me down onto his lap and pressed his cheek against mine. "I thought I'd die when you wouldn't let me be there for you and JR. I need to be with you both." His arms tightened around my waist. "Oh honey, I've missed you," he said wearily.

"We've missed you too, Jake." When I turned to face him, he leaned forward and devoured my lips with his mouth. At the contact, a series of electric charges sizzled through my body, making my flesh clench and throb.

It wasn't the first time he'd kissed me on the mouth. When his parents had been killed in a plane crash two years earlier, he'd been so distraught that Steve had asked me to spend the weekend with him. "He needs a woman's touch, and right now girl, you're the only woman in his life."

That first night, I'd held him in my arms, kissing his hair and rocking him. When he lifted his head, his blue eyes wide, looking like a little lost boy, I'd done what I did when JR looked like that: I leaned down and kissed him gently. He'd responded by kissing me back. We'd traded a few gentle, healing kisses that had held no trace of pa.s.sion. And although I'd been vaguely aware that he was slightly aroused, he'd made no "move" on me.

So it was strange to feel the rush of desire that surged through me when he kissed me now. Maybe it was sitting on his lap while he held onto me like he'd never let me go again. Or maybe I'd missed him so much. I don't know. I just know that one moment I wanted to comfort him, and the next I'd wrapped by arms around his neck and I was eagerly returning his kiss, conscious of a mounting need to feel him inside of me.

His lips were warm and sweet against mine. He kissed me slowly, as if savoring the taste and feel of my mouth. With a gentle tenderness that took my breath away, he encouraged me to part my lips. When I did, I felt his tongue, warm and moist, searching for mine.

I leaned into him and he deepened the kiss. Within moments, I could feel him hardening under my buns. When I felt his big hands brushing against my b.r.e.a.s.t.s, I shivered and dragged my mouth away from his. I pressed my face against his shoulder, aware I'd already reached the point where I was ready to slam my p.u.s.s.y down onto his hard c.o.c.k.

He lifted my face and looked down at me, asking for permission to continue. "Honeya?"

My mind screamed that I needed to stop this now, but I felt limp and needy. I wanteda"I needed to be made love to. I needed to feel a c.o.c.k inside my aching, empty p.u.s.s.y. And who better than Jake, the man who'd always been sweet and gentle and who had called me honey from day one to fill that need of mine?

"Yes," I whispered and lifted my face for his kiss.

He lifted me in his arms and carried me down the hall to his bedroom. Once there, he undressed me slowly, kissing each part of my exposed dark body. He lingered a long time over my b.r.e.a.s.t.s, sucking and licking me until I was wet and my entire body was shaking with l.u.s.t.

When he undressed, a fresh surge of dampness oozed from me as I stared at him. He had an absolutely beautiful body with broad shoulders, flat abs, narrows hips, and a surprisingly large c.o.c.k with a thick, pink head. He slipped between my parted thighs, rubbed his d.i.c.k against my p.u.s.s.y, against my c.l.i.t, and then finally, slowly, he pushed the enormous head into my aching, hungry flesh. It had been so long and I was so h.o.r.n.y that I moaned, shuddered, and came when he bottomed out in me.

"Oha"Oh, G.o.d! Jakea"Jake! Please! Oh, morea"more!"

The feel of his big d.i.c.k moving inside me in slow, measured strokes was mind numbing. I lifted my head and looked down our bodies. The sight of his pale, thick c.o.c.k sinking b.a.l.l.s deep into my dark p.u.s.s.y was enough to send me to the brink of another o.r.g.a.s.m. I fell back against the bed, pushing my hips up to meet his downward thrusts, loving the feel of his hot c.o.c.k cleaving through my wet flesh.

"Please! Jake, please. I'm almost there again! Please!"

He suddenly cupped my bottom in his big hands, lifted my hips, and ground his down against mine. Then he thrust his hard length deep in me at the same time as his hot devouring mouth found that sensitive spot below my left ear.

I moaned and shuddered and sobbed with delight and shattered into a million pieces as my body was flooded with delicious wave after wave of blistering pleasure. He stopped to soothe me before following me over the edge into pure paradise, pumping my unprotected p.u.s.s.y full of c.u.m.

Afterwards, he held me in his arms, kissing me gently, and cupping my b.r.e.a.s.t.s in his warm, caressing palms. I loved having my b.r.e.a.s.t.s held and my nipples tweaked. And I liked to be talked to after s.e.x.

"Honey? Are you all right?"

I felt safe, loved, and happy. I rubbed my body against his and smiled when he shuddered in response. "I'mafine."

He pressed a tender kiss against my forehead. "Did Ia.please you?"

"Yes. Oh, yes, Jake. Yes!"

He sighed and hugged me against him. I fell asleep feeling warm and content for the first time since Steve's death.

He woke me in the night, wanting me again. "Honey?" he rasped out.

I felt him hard and throbbing against my leg and a jolt of desire shot through me. I turned willingly into his arms and moaned when he slid into me with a slow steady movement that left me gasping with wanting him.

"Oh honey, you're so sweet." He rained soft, heated kisses on my b.r.e.a.s.t.s. His callused hands were everywhere, stroking my b.r.e.a.s.t.s, my thighs, cupping and ma.s.saging my rump, rubbing my c.l.i.t.

My whole body burned everywhere he touched. I found myself wanting him as much as I'd wanted Steve. "Jake," I gasped. "Jakea"oh, Jake!"

"Honey, you feel so good. You smell so good. I need this. I need you."

His whispered words of delight fueled my pa.s.sion and hunger for him. I clung to him and we kept at each other until, exhausted and s.e.xually sated, we fell asleep in a tangle of arms and legs, his slowly deflating c.o.c.k still in my p.u.s.s.y.

In the morning, I couldn't believe what I'd done. Steve was barely cold in his grave and there I was jumping in bed with his partner. His white partner.

"Honey, about last night. I don't want you to think that IaIa" He ran a hand through his dark hair and gazed at me with a helpless look in his eyes.

I stared at him, wondering why I'd never noticed how blue his eyes were or how handsome he was. I shrugged with a nonchalance I didn't feel. Having him call me honey reminded me of the night before, when he'd groaned the word in my ear as he'd repeatedly plunged into me. And I'd happily accepted and welcomed him in my arms and deep into my body.

"Last night was something we both needed. It wasatherapeutic. We don't need to apologize for it or a.n.a.lyze it to death. We needed it and it happened."

He sighed, leaning against the counter. "Honeya"

I put down my coffee cup and went over to him. I leaned up and kissed his cheek. "It's all right, Jake." I drew back and looked at him, amazed I could look him in the eye. That last time we'd made love, I'd responded to him like an alley cat in heat, demanding that he f.u.c.k me. And he had, driving into me in a frenzy until my whole world centered around him.

"Just promise me that you won't clean your gun like you were going to do last night."

He sighed. "There didn't seem to be much point to anything. Steve was dead and you'd tossed me out of your life."

"And now?"